Heading South With Mum

[Delta40]

I couldn't conquer the South St hill.
Not today
So I hopped on the bus
And rode to the top.
Past all the Colonial homes
And their resident ghosts.

Yeah.

I know.

So I only made it halfway.
You made it walking Rusty
While I lug a backpack filled
With dialectical therapy homework.
Must get it done by next week Lesley
Or what?

Yeah.

I know.

Even though you're powered by
Caffeine,
Alcohol
And a dog pissing on old gum trees,
I'm afraid it might kill me.
All this head-on traffic
Rushing toward me
Leaves me stuck in the island
Gazing upwards at the distant lights
Determined that one day
I'll make it to Pizza Express.

Yeah Mum.

I know.

Honestly Mum,
I gotta take my time.
Coz right at this moment,
From where I stand,
It really is a steep hill.

Mum?

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta,

I really like this, but I feel it needs some stanza breaks, far more effective than the "(More unspoken everything here)" Splitting it up gives the piece breathing room (matching the effort of climbing the hill). Also, I feel you don't need the opening line. The title gives us a clue. The info comes out in the body of the poem. If I might suggest...

"I couldn't conquer the South St hill,
Not today.
I only made it halfway.
I hopped on the bus
And rode to the top,
Past all the Colonial homes
And their resident ghosts.

Yeah.

I know.

You made it,
walking Rusty,
While I lug a backpack
filled with dialectical therapy homework.
Must get it done by next week, Lesley.
Or what?
Yeah.

I know.

Even though you were powered by
Caffeine, alcohol, and a dog
pissing on old gum trees,
I'm afraid it might kill me.
All this head-on traffic

Leaves me stuck in the island,
Gazing upwards at the distant lights,
Determined that one day
I'll make it to Pizza Express.
Yeah, Mum.
I know.

(Mum?)

Honestly,
I gotta take my time,
Coz right at this moment,
From where I stand,
It really is a steep hill."

Like this, the monologue to an absent (perhaps deceased) mother has a little more poignancy, I feel.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Thanks Hawk. Insightful suggestion about climbing the hill with regard to the stanza breaks. I really appreciate it and Im glad you like the poem. Edits on notebook are such a pain. Give me 12hrs to make the changes!

[Bar22do]

I like it too, especially if divided into stanzas, as Hawk suggests. The climbing of the mountain feels as recovering from a painful loss, "it really is a steep hill..."

Your poetry, Delta, always amazes (me at least).

Bar

[YesNo]

Nice description of walking up a hill. I could feel the exhaustion like walking up streets in San Francisco.

[Delta40]

Thanks Bar, so nice to hear from you again! What a lovely visual Yes/No. Readers really do give so much to poetry.

[AuntShecky]

Yeah, life's an uphill climb.

RE: previous comments about stanzas. You can make the individual lines even shorter to depict a kind of "breathiness," or panting often experienced on a strenuous climb.

[Delta40]

Lol. I'm out of breath doing an edit on my Samsung. A nightmare in fact but I see your point auntie. It would be nice to format it as a hill!