PDA

View Full Version : Helping With Enquiries.



MANICHAEAN
09-09-2014, 12:51 AM
He came himself to the front door of the Mansion to meet me, eyes as dead as stale oysters; a seemingly perpetual tight grin of thin lips that appeared curled in petulant disdain.The dressing gown, I was expecting. It was all part of the act as far as I was concerned. He looked slyly sideways and seemed to lean forward with a concentration, alien to his normal public demeanour.

“Come in Detective Baker”

He led the way. Heavy ornate and excessively stuffed furniture, vied with dark crimson drapes for wealthy mediocrity, and what penetrating light apparent, reluctantly prevailed like shafts of ennui into this man's private world.

The broad with the balcony had already mixed him a drink and enquiringly looked across. Translucent lids, of fine texture scarce hid the dark blue orbs that burned below with unapparent fire.

“Mine’s Jack on the rocks,” the policeman responded.

She somehow managed to negotiate the sheath of a dress from the drinks cabinet across to where he was sitting. Bending to place the tumbler on a side table, he noted the droplet of moisture on her top lip, and the balcony precariously cantilevered forward.

Sustaining anticipation on her part? It was if she would have to touch him. To speak, to see, was nothing. Darkness and silence must fall perfectly on her, then she would know mystically in unrevealed touch; fingers of silence upon silence.

“Have you heard of Appius Claudius Caecus?” from the host opposite. The voice was soft and the mask slipped just a touch.

“I thought I was here to interview you about the murder, but sure, was he not the Roman senator who coined the phrase “fabrum esse suae quemque fortunae?”

“Correct. He was in fact originally a Censor under the Roman system and had not previously been Consul. He got his promotion by seeking support from the lower classes, and allowing sons of freed slaves to serve in the Senate. He later went blind according to Livy, apparently due to a curse. But it was when he gave a famous speech against Cineas, declaring that Rome would never surrender, that this became the first recorded political speech in Latin, and is the source of the saying "every man is the architect of his own fortune."

“So, where is the connection for a dick from Homicide like myself?”

“ I’m sorry Detective. I realise that this might at first appear as irrelevant as Oprah interviewing this months celeberity of the month, but bear with me.”

Fear is a *****. Stroke its neck and it will follow you faithfully to the darkest corner of your room. One could smell it on him.

Over in the corner, this months centrefold wished he were passionate, because in passion she was at home. But this was so still and frail, as space is more frightening than force.

When the owner of the house spoke, it was slowly and with effort as if wrestling with an accommodating vice as opposed to an obstinate virtue.

“You are well aware of my business and my age Detective.Sometimes I have said to myself that sensual pleasure would put an end to my trouble, and I have increasingly tried to liberate my mind by exhausting my flesh. But wheras rejection is unknown in my position, pity and humiliation is too hurtful. I strangled her in the knowledge there was some of the inevitability and the beauty of fate, fate which one asks for, and which one accepts in full. Do you understand?”

“Actually I do,” answered the detective, and went through the litany of the formal caution.

The squad car eventually took the arrested individual away; outside of the Mansion, in a setting where clouds were a canopy akin the sun's resplendent couch. As the block sedan pulled away down the long drive, one could see in the rear, a handcuffed figure of crime, the likeness of a fallen throned king.

The lambent warmth of the lady stood aside to let the detective re-enter the house. In both his mind and hers, there was unfinished business.

NOTE: ***** denote a female canine.

Hawkman
09-09-2014, 02:21 AM
Hi Man,

I'm afraid there are some awkward sentences in this, beginning with the first one. I'm also thrown a bit by the sudden switch from first to third person narration in the third paragraph from the end. It would be interesting to watch someone negotiate a sheath of a dress from the drinks cabinet across to where someone is sitting. Perhaps if she were naked and the dress lying stretched out on the carpet, her dainty feet could follow the folds of silk or satin en route ;)



Live and be well - H

AuntShecky
09-09-2014, 05:35 PM
Once again I've run out o' time. Will be back later to give this the attention it deserves.

AuntShecky
09-10-2014, 05:47 PM
Okay, I'm back. (Bet you were waiting with bated breath.)

This one seems off to a good start, but alas, it ain't perfect. The opening could use some identifying nouns; the pronoun "He" lacks antecedents. When the "I" inexplicably changes into still another "he," it makes for confusion as to who is the detective and who is the suspect.

Some spelling errors: man's private world
mediocrity
homicide
Oprah --Not the conventional Biblical spelling. She alludes to it in the name of her production company--"Harpo" -- not the mute Marx brother, but Oprah spelled backwards. Like the first name of the former legendary Boston Red Sox infielder, Garciaparra: "Nomar" (Ramon spelled backwards.)

MANICHAEAN
09-11-2014, 04:31 AM
Hi Hawk.
Tried to experiment and get away with changing the tenses, but you caught me "al fragrante." Bet I've bloody spelled that wrong and will have Aunty crawling all over me. Not sure on the point you are making about the "dress." I've read writing styles before where the most notable item in a character is their mode of clothing. e.g "The Suit made an appearance." Very much used by Raymond Chandler and adapted into this tale, (not that I'm in that league.) Or perchance you were talking dirty with all the reference to naked broads, dainty feet, silk and satin. Would you care to elaborate?

Dear Aunty
Your endless patience in correcting my schoolboy spelling exuberance never ceases to amaze, and please note that I've taken it on board. Thanks for reading.

Best wishes from the Land of the Rising Sun as I raise my chopsticks in salute.
M.

Hawkman
09-11-2014, 05:25 AM
I see you've conformed to third person narration, except for the opening line (which is still awkward). As for the negotiation, if someone negotiates an object such as a rock or trees or whatever, they do so from outside, clambering over or around. One can negotiate a path, if its tricky, and of course one can negotiate face to face in order to strike a bargain or reach an agreement. Negotiate is just a plumb weird word for wearing a dress and walking between to points, unless of course she was outside it :D It would have been funnier or more appropriate to have said something like, "Somehow she persuaded her sheath of a dress to cooperate as she slunk from the drinks cabinet to the place he was sitting." That, "he came himself" is just tautologous. If he came to the door, he came to the door. It's over-written and trying too hard. Kind of clashes with the hard-boiled tone. Methinks it should be pithier. "Translucent lids, of fine texture scarce hid the dark blue orbs that burned below with unapparent fire." again, overwritten and the comma's in the wrong place. "Scarce(ly) hid?" "unapparent fire?" Kind of drifts into the realms of nineteenth century romantic poetry, which is just clashing with the Warner Brothers noir!

I think the problem with this is that you're writing to parody the genre (which inevitably involves being cliched) and in order to make it less cliched, you've over-egged the pudding, with the result that it just reads oddly. My advice would be to stick to the cliché's. Just wind it back a bit so we can enjoy the parody without being bemused by the use of English. You can get away with overwriting for fun, I do it a lot, but it needs to be done in a way that doesn't stretch the language to breaking point.

Live and be well - H

AuntShecky
09-11-2014, 02:50 PM
She somehow managed to negotiate the sheath of a dress from the drinks cabinet across to where he was sitting.


Despite the handicap of a form-fitting sheath impeding normal mobility she somehow managed to negotiate the distance between the drinks cabinet and the man's chair.