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108 fountains
09-06-2014, 11:27 PM
I'm not completely satisfied with this yet. Still, I would be happy for any comments. I'm particularly interested if readers think the mixture of prose and iambic pentameter works or doesn't work.


The Mule, the Cow, and the Owl

Violet, golden and maroon wildflowers swayed in the late afternoon breeze. The shadowy green copse wood stood sentinel on the far side of the meadow. A solitary linden tree, with a straight, sturdy, corrugated trunk and smiling heart-shaped leaves graced the grassy green knoll. Underneath, lethargic, submissive and motionless, except for the twitch in his shoulder and the occasional swish of his tail to ward off the blue-bottle flies, and with head bent low to the ground in a natural, perpetual expression of humility, stood Yeoman the mule, grazing lazily after his hard day’s labor on the Zuckerman farm. *

Yeoman was not a pretty mule; in fact, he was quite an ugly mule. His ears were long and stuck out from his head horizontally. His eyes tended to bulge out in an expression of everlasting surprise. His mouth was pie-shaped, and gray whiskers hung like so many wires from his nether lip. His nose displayed a much too wide expanse of leather between the nostrils that bespoke a kind of desolation. Yeoman generally eschewed company. When his day’s work was done, he was content to stand still, tranquil and placid, under the linden tree and remain in a dreamy, meditative state until the rumble in his stomach told him it was time for his afternoon meal. Following dinner, usually a meal of timothy hay, but occasionally a treat of alfalfa and beet pulp, he generally spent the last waning hour of sunlight walking along the wooden rail fence in the company of his friend, Mirabelle the cow. As twilight deepened into darkness, he was content to stand in his solitary stall and let his musings wander where they might until he was reminded by the winking of the stars that it was time to retire for the night.

Yeoman knew nothing but work. Even now that spring planting was over and he no longer had to pull the plow, Farmer Zuckerman hitched him up to the buckboard wagon every day to pull loads of various types of cargo. Farmer Zuckerman used an oaken yoke with ropes rather than a leather harness to join his mule to the shaft – he was old-fashioned that way. All day long, Yeoman pulled the wagon from place to place – from the sorghum shed to the fields, from the vegetable garden to the back porch, from the corncrib to the machine shed, and from the cattle barn to the compost heap. Sometimes the wagon was loaded with bales of straw, sometimes with bushel baskets full of vegetables, sometimes with tools and spare parts, and sometimes with manure. Whatever the location, whatever the load, whatever the job called for – Yeoman performed the task doggedly, methodically and without complaint. But by the end of the workday, every day, Yeoman was exhausted. By mid-afternoon even an empty wagon weighed him down. Yeoman was never so thankful as when Farmer Zuckerman removed the wooden yoke and patted him affectionately on his neck. Then he slowly wandered off toward the linden wood tree, complacent in the thought that rest – and the pleasant interval of Mirabelle’s company – was the only reward he sought.

On this particularly sunny afternoon, as the shadows of the linden wood tree stretched longer and longer towards the ethereal east, Yeoman’s attention was drawn to the nearby wooden rail fence that demarcated the pastureland where farmer Zuckerman’s cattle grazed.

“Yeoman! Yeoman! Tarry hither, if you please!”

This was spoken by Yeoman’s lone companion, already mentioned, Mirabelle the cow. She was of the traditional Hereford breed. Mirabelle had a rusty brown body, a white stripe from her neck to her withers, patchy white wooly under parts, and a face that was the ideal of bovine beauty – gently curling white hairs on her forehead and cheeks, a supple, pink nose, delicate ears with brown and white variegation, small horns that sloped subtly downward as if too bashful to call attention to themselves, a mouth fashioned in the shape of a coquettish smile, and big, dark brown eyes that beamed contentment and joy on all whom she looked upon. Mirabelle fluttered her long, white eyelashes for no reason whatsoever, knowing full well how their movement drew attention to those lovely eyes. Her demeanor was such that it expressed, “Yes, I know am beautiful, but I just cannot help it.”

Yeoman had no particular interest in social intercourse, but he liked Mirabelle. He appreciated her beauty and admired her insouciance, but mostly he liked her simply because she took notice of him, unlike the other animals on the farm, and because she was pleasant. Without Mirabelle’s company, Yeoman would have little left to make his days bearable.

Mirabelle liked Yeoman because he was so little affected by her beauty, neither infatuated with it nor intimidated by it. Mirabelle was never at a loss for companionship on the farm – the bulls, of course, vied for her attentions, and the other cows felt radiant in her company. Even the rabbits poked their heads out of their burrows, and the chipmunks peeked out from behind fallen logs to get a glimpse of her and to wish her “Good morrow!” when she passed. Yet although her days were saturated with friends, conversation and good-natured gossip, she always reserved time in the late afternoons for Yeoman. While the other animals wanted her company, Mirabelle felt that Yeoman needed it. So, over the spring and all through the summer, through the lukewarm days of autumn and the frosty winter, she strode alongside him on the other side of the wooden rail fence in the late afternoon, conversing while the golden hue of the waning sky turned to amber and then to umber.

“Faith, sirrah, come hither!” she repeated.

Yeoman meandered over to the wooden rail fence. Mirabelle waited, her dark brown eyes beaming more brightly than usual.

“Good morrow, Mirabelle,” said Yeoman.

“Good morrow, Yeoman,” Mirabelle replied.

“Marry, how fares my noble lady?”


MIRABELLE
Oh, well in sooth, for here is cheer enough.
The sky today is clear and cobalt blue
And prospects for the happy morrow tell
Of fortune flushed with expectations new.

YEOMAN
I too would voice such sentiments indeed
If the merry world shed cheer on chary steeds,
But sooth it is my fate, my lady fair,
To bear the yoke of toil and ne’er look up
At sunny skies nor sup on oats or rye –
Alas, to view creation’s tender bliss
Through eyes with want of ecstasy and lips with want of kiss.

MIRABELLE
Pained am I to hear such heartfelt sorrow,
Yet methinks the cloud of listlessness
That shades thy heart is but a wisp of gloom
Dispersed with ease to naught by breath of air
So long as air is fresh and breathed with breath.

YEOMEN
I pray, speak not to me of expiration
Nor fantasize on brilliant expectations,
In troth, such thoughts as these needs must expire
‘Ere Yeoman lays aside his heavy yoke,
Procure a rest, or raise his spirits higher.

MIRABELLE
Dear Yeoman, speak no more of luckless fate.
Stay anon and speak to me of joy –
Of times gone by when you and I like king
And queen of meadow green walked idly as we
Do today, companions to the end.
For ‘ere the morrow lies in restful sleep,
I bid adieu to thee my gracious friend
And to this merry world of ours anon
To meet new friends and hear new compliments,
Tread paths green and full of light and song,
And wander climes unknown. In sooth, my friend,
I seek my fortune in yon distant town
Where pleasure calls and smiling faces beckon.
I pray thee set thy doleful thoughts aside
And smile on me your faithful confidante
For ‘ere the sun sets twice on yonder wood,
Thy Mirabelle departs no more to gaze
Upon thy steadfast, honest, rugged face
Or hear your simple words of gentle grace.

YEOMEN
How now, my noble lady?
Art thou bound from me, this place, this life
To lands so far away and undiscovered?
Upon my life, I never thought to see
A day when you would not be near to me.
Most perfect dame, for whom the clouds doth part
And pause their rain for sun to shine anon,
Woe am I to hear these tidings thine.
Though glad for thee thy fortune come to hold,
They leave poor Yeoman downcast, spent, and old.

MIRABELLE
Fie, goodly steed! By your leave and by mine honor,
Away with tired and woeful declarations!
Whither so downcast? Be not greedy
In thy loss, but rather share my joy.

YEOMAN
Madam, pray forgive my doleful plaint.
No more. What worth when once the die is cast?
I yield, in troth, bright hope in all you do.
But a word, I pray, how came about this chance?

MIRABELLE
In faith, sirrah, ‘tis all the talk about
That Farmer Zuckerman hath spake anon
With Seth the hand to rig the wagon-crate
For Mirabelle to bear at morn to town.
See you him now! He makes a bed of straw
For morrow journey’s comfort and repose.

YEOMAN
Alas! In sooth, your grace has graced this farm
Since time when you were calf and I a colt.
Although this turn I doubt is naught for best,
I canst not help but feel a pang of pain
At thy departure, nor extreme regret.

MIRABELLE
I truly understand and share thy thoughts.
In troth, good Yeoman, am I bound to thee
For the kind tranquility thy company hath wrought.

YEOMAN
Upon my life, I thank thee, good, fair lady.
The words you spake with kindness on this day
Shall be a comfort great when you’re away.
And now, as shadows shroud the way ahead
And naught remains between us left unsaid,
I take my leave with full and goodly heart
‘Til morrow tears the two of us apart.

MIRABELLE
Adieu, dear friend. Remembrance be assured.
While fortune bright my arrow doth pursue,
In troth, your face and form will fill my dreams.

YEOMAN
“My dreams,” sayeth she. What dreams are these
Where past and future twine reality
‘Twixt thoughts of things that never were and things that cannot be?


At this, Mirabelle and Yeoman parted ways. Mirabelle trotted up the gentle hill to join her bovine fellows in unrestrained anticipation of her impending emigration. Yeoman followed his lonely path to the linden tree where he contemplated the coming great change in his life. He consoled himself with imagining the wonderful new adventures in store for his dear friend Mirabelle.

Later, alone in his stall as the frogs croaked and the crickets creaked, Yeoman spent a dreamless, sleepless, restless night while dim stars shed cold light upon empty fields. Long before daybreak, while the new-mown hay still sent serpents of steam wriggling into the chilled nighttime air, Yeoman crept forth. Impatient for the dawn, he trod the path down to the linden wood tree and strayed beyond, all the way down to the shadowy green copse wood at the bottom of the hill on the far side of the meadow.

“Who, who? Who is there?” called a voice from within the darkness.

“Only me. ‘Tis only me,” answered the mule.

A fluttering of wings disturbed the stillness of the copse wood, and a great apparition alighted on the lower branch of a white pine at the edge of the meadow.

“Yeoman!” cried the owl – for the phantom that appeared overhead was a great gray owl, with rounded, yellow eyes set in rippling circles on its mottled face. “What spirit moves thee to tarry hither so early on this gentle morn?”

“I cannot sleep for want of rest and cannot rest for want of sleep,” answered Yeoman shaking his head.

“By your leave, methinks I detect a note of melancholy in thy voice and a sweep of gloom across thy face, aye, more than the gloomy air which is your wont to breathe.”

“Thou mayst say so, goodly gentleman, for by my troth, I am uneasy of mind and broken of spirit.”


OWL
Save thee, worthy steed. Discharge your burden. Though you canst not see my ears, they hear thee all the same.”

YEOMAN
Bound am I to thee, my gracious friend.
My thoughts fly fast towards Mirabelle the cow.
She shall depart from here, this farm, from me,
Alas, before the morning shadows shrink
To murky nothingness beneath our feet.

OWL
Speak thee not in riddles, mule. Speak plainly. I wish to understand.

YEOMAN
Mirabelle, the beauty thou hast seen
Trod these fields by day and walk with me
In afternoons. She leaves the farm today
Drawn by farmer’s truck in wagon-crate
To gladly graze the turf of yonder town.
In noble grace and splendor will she ride
To greet the lords and ladies of that realm,
E’en perhaps to meet the royal clan.

OWL
Who, who spake such tidings as these?

YEOMAN
The voice that spake this news to me her own.

OWL
What? She spake thee this herself?

YEOMAN
In troth, she is excitement all ablaze
Regaling forth with fortune’s fair approach.
And thus she hath become the happy mark
Of wondrous admiration on the farm.

OWL
Zounds! Upon my life, ye children of the farm – thou art so childlike, sweet, so innocent, so unknowing of the world. I wouldst not undeceive you of your puerile notions, but hold. Troth, by mine honor, sir, must needs disclosure, nor this nor that be of proper worth.

YEOMAN
What meanest thou?
Wil’t please your grace return plainspeak to me?
If deception snares my addled pate,
I doth beseech thee, undeceive me now.

OWL
I must needs entreat thee then, frame thy mind and gird thy loins. Yonder town hath not wonders nor hath it charms; it hath neither fortune nor treasure.

YEOMAN
How now, good gentleman? Explain thyself more fully.

OWL
Mirabelle’s visions are fiction, fables dressed in fantasy to hide distasteful troth.

YEOMAN
Sayest thou she dissembles?

OWL
Nay, she knows naught but sweet, enchanting tales invented for her submissiveness. But know ye this – the town shall devour her. She shall be led to slaughter. She shall be quartered, disemboweled, and dismembered. Her meat shall be ground as fodder for the voracious horde, and her bones shall be picked clean by vultures. Alas, ‘tis the fate of all the innocent, the inevitable destiny of beings of beauty.

YEOMAN
Hee-yaw! Oh, woeful star that speed the morn!
Wouldst that I could take her place anon
To save her from this evil and disgrace!

OWL
Trouble thyself not on her behalf. She and thee are creatures apart. Her fate is fixed. She shall be swiftly slain. Thy destiny, good sir, is suffering of another sphere, and I might add, more insidious and severe.

YEOMAN
My destiny is of no consequence
When misadventure to a friend portends.
And yet… and yet afraid am I to ask,
Good sir, in troth, afraid am I to hear –
But soft, your tone, your mien compels me ask
What destiny of mine entails to fear?

OWL
Thy destiny? Sirrah, thy purpose doth dictate thy fate. ‘Tis that of the yoke, the plow, the heat, and the sweat of the brow. Thou, and those such as thou, must needs labor long and scratch along to earn a livelihood. ‘Tis in the nature of things. Thou wert born for it. The farm is ought for thee, and thou art ought for the farm.

YEOMAN
Doomed am I then to lead a dismal life?

OWL
Thou art intended for work, sirrah, for toil and naught else. I prithee, as thou art a steed of good will, knowest thou that on the farm, what needs must be will must needs be fulfilled.

YEOMAN
Wouldst that I could flee this world and live
As free as thee from drudgery, from care,
From toil, and from dependence on the farm.

OWL
Hold, good sir! Fie! For shame! Thou knowest not of what thou speak. Freedom from the farm is procured at cost extreme. Trow thee to what cruelty I must resort for repast? Rodents and smaller, weaker creatures flee and fear me with good reason. Trow thee the sufferings of my mate and hatchlings in winter? A nest of sticks in yon barren tree provides scant warmth in frost and ice. In troth, sirrah, the likes of thee outside the farm would not survive, or if survive thou must, survival piteous and bleak.

YEOMAN
I am resigned, good sir, I am resigned.
In troth, confess I must such contemplations
‘Fore now have dimly stirred within my pate,
Disturbing, though with incomplete embrace.
And yet, in sooth, when Mirabelle is near
My heart doth not despond nor yield to fear.
Contrarily, she keeps me in good cheer.
Some need in me she doth somehow fulfill
And yet, alas, her fate as told by thee
Is worse than mine. Her freedom paid too dear.
Oh, wouldst I could protect her now! Oh, wouldst to keep her here!

OWL
Tempt not fate, nor hers nor thine. Keep thee she as thee wouldst have her – angelic and divine. Such beauty as hers is not for such as thee, save for fleeting moments in vast eternity. Be thankful for those moments. They shall ease thy times of trial. But wish not for the impossible. Accept thy calling. There is no escape.


Yeoman thanked the great gray owl for his wisdom and for his frankness. The sun had dawned long ago, and the chanticleers had long been calling. As he trudged up the hill, Yeoman heard behind him a great flurry of wings, and the great specter vanished into the shadows of the copse wood.

Farmer Zuckerman was waiting, clad in his blue jeans and sipping a steaming cup of coffee, sitting atop the wagon at the top of the hill. At Yeoman’s approach, he sprang down from the wagon, slapped the mule’s rump with a grin, and slid his hand affectionately across his neck. Yeoman submitted to the yoke and pulled on the wagon, laden heavily with a diesel generator and other electrical gear.

Throughout the morning, Yeoman hauled heavy equipment back and forth between the new aluminum machine shed and the old, wooden barn. Throughout the morning, he cast a wary eye in the direction of the pasture beyond the wooden rail fence for a glimpse of Mirabelle, but each glance was met with disappointment. Then, towards noon, he heard the roar of the red truck. The vehicle slowly emerged from the cowshed some distance away, driven by the hired hand Seth. Behind the red truck was the four-wheeled wagon crate bearing the object of Yeoman’s longing. She was half-hidden by vertical iron bars, but he could plainly see those smiling, big, brown eyes and the beaming, happy expression on her face. A herd of cows, a gaggle of geese, and a half-dozen piglets followed the wagon-crate out of the shed cheering and calling out.

Yeoman watched as Mirabelle, fluttered her eyelashes through the iron bars of the wagon-crate behind Farmer Zuckerman’s truck in farewell to her barnyard companions. She rode the gentle, sloping drive that led past the grassy green knoll to the road that would take her into town. She called out:

“Adieu! Adieu! Adieu, my friends, adieu!
I go forth happy, hearty, hale and new
With cares and trepidation cast away
And expectations joyful on display.
Adieu, I yield ye merry friends, adieu!”


The other animals – the cattle, the geese, the drakes, the hens, the pigs, the old gray tomcat, and even the wild rabbits – waved and shouted, quacked, clucked and lowed with pride and admiration that one of their own, their very own Mirabelle, was going to town to win fame and fortune. Only Yeoman turned away and shook his head in resignation. He beheld the cruel fate in store for Mirabelle, the cheerless days before him, and the certain fate of all his toil and stead.

He meekly took a step and felt the yoke
Pull hard upon his back. His spirit broken,
Listless heart, his body tired and sore,
From woe and hence he would forevermore
Aspire to naught but live days one by one,
Anticipate the hour his work be done,
Content at last with meager meal be fed,
And rest his own, his weary bones alone upon his bed.



* The Zuckerman farm is also the setting in E. B. White’s Charlotte’s Web.

Mohammad Ahmad
09-07-2014, 03:35 AM
Well, well, let me discuss now as I consider myself that I found interest in conversation you made on the tongues of animals as it was a type of imitation.
You made it delicious and miraculous as it firstly comes up to my mind as you used the names of the mule and the cow as words have another sentiment meaning.
"Yeomen" is a pretty officer US navy and Mirabelle is a sweet yellow fruit that looks like plum, to here, I am satisfied as in literature often to be referred as "Pun", as well as you used pronoun as he, she, and him as a personification.
Otherwise, the piece of poetry you offered it lacks to the sense of poetry, I didn’t see any iambic but as you mentioned in the beginning that it is a type of a mixture literature so it is alike.
Moreover, I find enjoyment in the "story" as it has delicate but rather complex words, so I find the description is very enjoyable.
I think if you shorten the dialogue, is rather better.

Good luck

************************************************** ***************


Examples I chose from your literary piece I find interest on:

Farmer Zuckerman hitched him up to the buckboard wagon every day to pull loads of various types of cargo. Farmer Zuckerman used an oaken yoke with ropes rather than a leather harness to join his mule to the shaft – he was old-fashioned that way. All day long,

Mirabelle liked Yeoman because he was so little affected by her beauty neither infatuated with it nor intimidated by it.
So, over the spring and all through the summer, through the lukewarm days of autumn and the frosty winter,

Yeoman meandered over to the wooden rail fence. Mirabelle waited, her dark brown eyes beaming more brightly than usual.

DATo
09-07-2014, 05:29 AM
Absolutely and totally enjoyed it! The verse / prose dichotomy worked well for me. Leave it in. It contributes to the fable-like atmosphere of the story.

I find shades of Krylov in this piece but of course Ivan's lessons were far more superficial than the interpretive lesson(s) found in your story.

I find several possibilities which can equally vie for interpretation. Let me know if I am close.

The owl is usually associated with wisdom having originally achieved this status as one of the symbols of Pallas Athena, the Greek goddess of wisdom and truth. In this piece the owl seems to assume the role of dispenser-of-wisdom and, in describing the travails of his own life, the symbol of 'objective reality'.

Mirabelle symbolises to me the idea of unrepressed optimism. Mirabelle has lived a life of ease and has basked in the adulation of the other animals. She has no direct experience of the disdain of others or debilitation resulting from work experienced by Yeoman. She cannot relate to the unpleasant realities of the world because she has had no direct experience of such things. Her unfounded optimism with regard to her future is based upon the premise that things can only get better with the introduction of any change upon her life.

Yeoman represents those who toil without hope of a better life and serves as a foil to Mirabelle. Yeoman is content with simple pleasures if only the ability to rest after a hard day of toil. He accepts his fate stoically. He receives a daily shot in the arm (as it were) of pleasure through his association with Mrabelle who perhaps reflects to him what famous and talented people reflect to us. We view rock stars and other famous people as being impervious to the travails that beset the rest of us. We have only to read the daily news to realize that their lives, like Mirabelle's future are not as idyllic as they appear on the surface.

Yeoman's life is in small measure lived vicariously through Mirabelle. He finds, reflected in her presence, hope - not for himself but rather the hope that happiness itself DOES exist even if not for him. He is happy just to be in the presence of one who is truly happy and admired. Isn't this a possible reflection of why fans seek autographs - a tangible affirmation in ink and paper that wealth, fame and success ARE potentially possible in the world even if we know that we, ourselves, will never be asked for an autograph?

Another possibility, or perhaps extension of this idea, is the unfounded belief of a life hereafter. Mirabelle approaches her doom with ignorance, supported by her deep-seated convictions that things will be better wherever she is going. This reminds me of people who are deeply religious and capable of accepting the travails of the world as "God's permissible will". Never fear though for things will be better in the next life. Yeoman, on the other hand, has no illusions about his "tomorrows". The owl, perhaps serving as his very own Angel Gabriel, has enlightened him to the reality of the world ... and yet he perseveres, and in this perseverance achieves a greater nobility than Mirabelle, for he carries on without hope. How often we admire, how often we bestow medals, how often we laud heroes who sacrifice their lives in the performance of their duty! And we are correct to do so, for to accept our fate and to persevere without hope is in my estimation the greatest display of courage. How many soldiers of the American military have been awarded the Medal Of Honor for throwing themselves upon a live grenade, with no hope of survival, to protect their fellow soldiers? More than you would think.

In your simple fable you illustrate, perhaps, the most fundamental of human virtues - to courageously play the game though we know in the end we must lose.

108 fountains
09-08-2014, 03:56 PM
Thanks Mohammad and DATo for commenting.

I wasn't even aware of the word Yeoman being a petty officer in the navy, nor did I know there was fruit called Mirabelle. I used the name Yeoman as that of an unskilled farmworker. Now that I look up the precise definition, I see that in that sense a yeoman was actually a small farmer who owned his land. Since I don't want the mule to be identified as a land owner, I might need to consider a different name. I chose Mirabelle for the cow because it means beautiful or wonderously beautiful. There are other fictional cows named Mirabelle out there (a character in a children's book, a toy, and even a brand of cheese), but I thought it was okay to use it, and I couldn't think of a better name. I left the owl unnamed because I wanted him to be a kind of outsider (which is also why he speaks in prose rather than poetry).

Mohammad, I agree that some of the conversations are too long. I had difficulty when writing in that rhythm to make the conversation flow easily from one toipic to another, and this led to some rather too long spoken passages. You're right - I need to go back and shorten some of that.

DATo, I like your interpretations - you are correct in much of what you say, but I think you give me more credit than is due. When I wrote the story, I had a couple of vague notions in mind. One was the idea of the farm as a modern capitalist socio-economic system where unskilled laborers, typified by Yeoman, are doomed to endles, repetitive work with no hope of a better future. MIrabelle was meant to represent art (music, poetry, theater, dance, etc.), which can be enjoyed by the lower classes, but in the end, even that is taken away from them when it suits the interest of the system (the farm).

Somewhat differently, I pictured Yeoman as representative of an average inhabitant of middle-class small town America, where he is trapped (again by the need to work for wages for a living with no real prospect for a brighter future). In this conception, Mirabelle represents those few people with some special set of skills or talent (and again I'm thinking along the lines of poet or artist or musician) who may be admired in the small town environment, but when they escape from small town life and try to make it in the world, they find only disillusionment, failure, or worse.

The owl is the outsider who is free of the system's economic and social constraints but also must fend for himself alone in an outside world that is even more cruel than the inside system, but because he is an outsider, he at least is able to see the picture more clearly. The tragedy occurs when Yeoman realizes he is trapped in a system that has no compassion and has lost any beauty that might have at least given him something to live for.

The story does need some more work, for sure. I need to cut back some of the dialogue and descriptions and make the allegory more clear. I will say it was fun trying to get the meter and the Elizabethan parlance correct. I read four of Shakespeare's plays while writing the story just to get the words and the patterns into my head.

AuntShecky
09-09-2014, 05:37 PM
Just happened to see this. I'll be back later when I can give it a proper reading.

AuntShecky
09-10-2014, 07:08 PM
Well! This certainly appears to be the result of an ambitious project. No doubt you put much thought and effort into writing it, including painstaking efforts to get the prosody right. That's why I am so reluctant to express my opinion --

but I will anyway.

Don't think for a moment that anything is lacking in the choice of subject matter. There certainly isn't.
What I am questioning is the form and style.

Some four or five decades ago when I first had the effrontery to attempt creative writing, I thought the best way to get started is to try to emulate the writers whose works I admired. (Of course one must read more than one writes, but when writing, try to learn the craft by a kind of osmosis, not direct imitation.) In my callowness,however, I believed the way to get "good" was to emulate Shakespeare and Donne by including a lot of "Thous" and Thys," archaic but classy-sounding expressions like "forsooth", and ending verbs with "th." Same with later poets like Wordsworth and Tennyson. I was an enthusiatic fan a la Jimmy Fallon --"Oh wow. 'In Memoriam' is so great! So great! Wow!"

I'm embarrassed to admit that it took way too long for me to realize that nobody in the late 20th and early 21th centuries wanted to read watered-down, second-hand versions of works from the past. If they wanted to read them, they'd read the originals! At the time when these literary giants were creating, their works were electrifying. Unique. New.]The works are still wonderful, no doubt, but they aren't responses to life as we are living it in this particular moment. That-- not the past --is what I want to replicate. Even so, there have been lapses. In the "30 Poems for 30 Days" thread of April 2012, I wanted to try various forms appropriate to the subject matter of each individual verse. So for St. George's Day, I wrote some "bob and wheel" stanzas, a verse form that flourished in the 14th century, as in one of the best poems in English language, "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight." (I did make an attempt to bring a twenty-first century sensibility to the St. George piece, though.)

This work of yours seems stuck in a time warp. The animals talk as if they're partying like it's 1599, but the Farmer Zuckerman drinks coffee, which would place him in an era closer to ours. (I do wonder why he's using obsolete farming equipment --couldn't get an E-Z payment plan from John Deere?)

I do realize that the story is in the form of a fable, but that genre doesn't necessarily mean you've got to sound exactly like Aesop. E.B. White used precise language all the time, yet the never wrote "down" to children and never underestimated the intelligence of his adult readers. The great ("so great! So great!") James Thurber wrote modern day fables, but he had no problem with using colloquial expressions from the 1930s and 40s, such as "loony bin."

My point is: although your experiment with archaic words is more or less technically correct, the question is "Why?" Recently, a LitNetter said that he was trying to channel Poe's style. My reply was that we are not writing in the era of Edgar Allen Poe, we're writing in ours. We should at least start with the language as it exists today, along with the fond-- though often vain-- hope that we might approach a place where we could be ahead of our time.

Literature " . . .must be taken away from the Arcadians;it must be made again the vehicle of contemporary feeling."The critic Douglas M. Davis wrote that back in 1967-- still relevant today. (Or at least more relevant than "thees" and "forsooth.")

Keep writin', 108 Fountains. I enjoy reading everything you post.

Auntie

108 fountains
09-11-2014, 03:22 PM
Thanks Auntie for the thoughtful comments. I agree with everything you say.

Most of my stories start from some personal experience or something I’ve read or seen or heard, but this one seemed to just come out of nowhere. I never sat down and thought, “Today, I’ll write an allegory using animals to ponder disillusionment with work and life and will have the animals speak in Elizabethan poetry” – I really don’t remember when or how those ideas came to me, but I do recall thinking as I was writing that the story would be banal and forgettable if the animals spoke just like humans using normal every-day English. When I tried using Shakespearian rhythm and language, it was really just an experiment to see if I could do it, and then I started thinking it might work, and then I kind of liked the irony of having animals speaking in a noble, elegant manner of speech. (Actually, I was pleased with some of it – “Alas, to view creation’s tender bliss/Through eyes with want of ecstasy and lips with want of kiss” – I thought that was pretty good!) :smile5:

So my defense boils down to having the idea that mixing the prose with the verse and using the archaic forms was in itself an attempt to be new and unique. But, yeah, I’m not sure if it worked, and your comments are useful.

When I started writing, nearly as many years ago as you, almost all my reading experience was with Dickens, and everything I wrote sounded like a very poor attempt to imitate Dickens. Even now, when I do my editing, I often have to work hard to “get the Dickens out of there!” So I understand and agree with you that a writer should write in his/her own time and voice.

The form of this one was an experiment, an attempt to do something different. I’ve got one or two up my sleeve that I’ll post soon that are more conventional in form and style, but hopefully still enjoyable and interesting.

I’ll go back and look at the 30 poems in 30 days thread. It sounds like something I would really like.

DATo
09-13-2014, 08:16 AM
108,

I understood immediately what you were trying to do by having the animals speak in a different form than our everyday English: to serve as a sort of demarkation element between the human world and the animal world. Upon consideration I can see what a challenge that would be to pull off well.

I do however have to agree to a certain extent with Auntie though. The choice of Elizabethan English seems to make the differentiation appear to be one of period history rather than species; also, it seems to suggest an elevation of the cognitive power of beasts over men. We are conditioned to hear this type (archaic) of speech in classical, period literature or stage performances.

We know animals to be our intellectual inferiors. We think of, treat, and talk to our pets as though they are children. When we hear them speaking in a style normally appreciated only by professors of English literature it just seems a bit incongruous.

Perhaps another approach would be to have them actually speak as we would expect children to speak - by taking the opposite approach and actually "dumbing down" the language in which they speak. Another option might be to have each species speak with a different, human, national accent. I thought Richard Adams pulled this off quite successfully in Watership Down.

I can totally appreciate the work you must have put into the dialogue used by the animals. I admit I could not have done half as good a job as you did.

Despite my comments above I think you did a great job with it and the story is certainly capable of standing as it now does with no alteration of any kind.

AuntShecky
09-13-2014, 03:16 PM
I think you did a great job with it and the story is certainly capable of standing as it now does with no alteration of any kind.

And despite what I said, I also agree with DATo, re: above. As a writing experiment and exercise, it certainly worked. But my original reply came from the notion that you, 108 Fountains, might be wanting to have your work eventually published, and my thinking stemmed from that assumed goal.

Congratulations, by the bye, on your recent publication. May you experience many more successes along that line.

Best of luck.

Auntie

Hawkman
09-14-2014, 05:57 AM
This was certainly an interesting idea. To be honest I was a little put off by the archaisms at first, it did jar a little, but once one gets into the flow of the piece, which doesn't take long, one warms to them. However, the idea is not so much at fault as the execution, which doesn't quite work. You fell into the trap of throwing far too many "in sooths" and "I Trows" and "Troth" in there. A little variation would have done no harm at all. Shakespeare was quite capable of using the word truth ;) The problem is that because we are not completely familiar with the idiom, when trying to emulate, we crimp it. I'm delighted that you didn't mix up the appropriate applications of thou and thee, although there are other minor flaws in grammar. For example, "Sayest thou she dissembles?" "Thou sayest she dissembles?" Take another look at your Shakespeare folio. Generally, I think, you'll find that the grammar is not so wrenched.

Here's another wee example where your enthusiasm has taken you a step too far: "Speak thee not in riddles, mule. Speak plainly. I wish to understand." This would flow much more naturally as, "Speak not in riddles, mule. Be plain, I wish to understand." Do you see what I mean? Less unnecessary embellishment and more concision aids comprehension and makes it feel more natural without loosing the Shakespearean tone. As it is, it's almost as if Shakespeare was trying to write in old English ;) :D

As for your contemporary diction, this, too, just occasionally, feels a little awkward. For example: "The shadowy green copse wood stood sentinel on the far side of the meadow." Personally, I'm not quite happy with your use of "sentinel" in reference to something as large and collective as a wood. This is far more appropriate to the "solitary linden tree" you mention in the next sentence. The description of the wood itself, as a "shadowy green copse wood" would read more naturally as, "the shady coppiced greenwood..." Do you see how much more easily this flows? If your use of shadowy was deliberate and intended to convey menace, then I'd drop the reference to coppicing altogether. Coppicing implies management and it lets in light.

For all that, though, I did rather enjoy the piece and I liked the idea.

Live and be well - H

108 fountains
09-14-2014, 10:29 PM
Thanks DATo, Auntie and Hawkman. I appreciate all the comments and suggestions. I know this story probably needs at least a couple more revisions and, while I'll keep the basic structure, I'll keep your comments in mind. Hawkman, those are some really good suggestions. (I have to admit, that I sometimes threw in the "in troths" and "anons" just because I needed two more syllables to fill the pentameter. That was lazy of me, and I'll take them out during the rewrites.")