Mystyr Mystyry On The Moon

[MystyrMystyry]

I built meself a rocket
Out of odds and ends and junk
Did it in me backyard
The local council's in a funk!

I blast off at midnight
For to get the clearest view
Of me distant destination
A Moony visit overdue

If I wait any longer
They'll probly take me away
So with all this pressure
There's no reason to stay

Packed a picnic basket
An eski crammed full of beer
A spacesuit and spare
Shoes, socks and underwear

I've settled in
I've paid me dues
I've checked me list
I've lit the fuse

Loud the engine roars
I'll soon be out of sight
Rocketing so far above
Like a fast bird in flight

Sailing across the sky
So far so good - so long!
Meters are ticking over
It couldn't possibly go wrong

I've landed on the Moon
And dancing in low gravity
A lunch of pies and ale
And Moonies for company

Can't say when I'll be back
Fateful error of miscalculation
It was the price of gas
When I filled up at the station

Couldn't afford a full tank
Well at least that's me excuse
If anyone comes looking
I'll say I ran out of juice



.

[YesNo]

Nice trip to the moon. I liked the stanza best where you "lit the fuse".

[qimissung]

Me, too. He makes it seem so easy! I hope he doesn't run out of air!

[MystyrMystyry]

Thankyou YesNo! :)

Actually the original stanza caused me some grief: rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. Abandon. Rinse and repeat.

[MystyrMystyry]

Thankyou Qimi! :)

Air! Of course! I completely forgot about air!

I'd better hurry back!

[Maximilianus]

I bet the price of air at the air station is as high as the price of gas at the gas station... everything is so pricy at the stations these days... world economy! Moon economy! http://smiles.kolobok.us/artists/just_cuz/JC_shakehead.gif But there's always an elegant poetic way to frame a complaint http://smiles.kolobok.us/standart/ok.gif

[AuntShecky]

Actually the original stanza caused me some grief: rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. Abandon. Rinse and repeat.

Can you stand to do just one more rewrite, in order to smooth out the meter? In some lines, all that's necessary is to drop a syllable or two (or add one, whatever the case may be.)

Here are some suggestions:


The local council are in a funk!
The local council's in a funk. (The noun is singular anyway.)


A Moony visit long overdue
Drop "long"


So with this pressure
That line actually needs another syllable:
So with all this pressure.
But this one is too long:

I can find no reason to stay
There's no reason to stay

Drop the "and" in both these lines:

And so far so good - so long!


And I'll soon be out of sight

Drop the "very":

Like a very fast bird in flight


I'll tell 'em I ran out of juice
I'll say I ran out of juice

It's good to have rhyme in humorous poems, but just like serious verse, the meter in each line has to be consistent. Otherwise it sounds a little "off." You don't really have to take a pen and mark each syllable, but it might be a good idea to read your rhyming poems aloud. That way your "ear" will pick up the clunkers in the rhythm.

Subject matter, however, is, as always,cute as heck.

Auntie

[MystyrMystyry]

Thankyou Max! :)

Good to see you back around! :)

[MystyrMystyry]

Thankyou Aunty! :)

Whoo!

That's a pretty complete assessment, no excuses except same disease, similar delerium.

I shall take your sensible recommendations to heart, and use them as soon as I settle down (just got in after much hecticity in the city)

:)

[Bar22do]

Pls perpetuate your delirium, it's so very sweet and enjoyable, light like jumping on the mooon...

And this time at least you built yourself a proper rocket (though hmmm... rockets!), after all a safer means of transportation than riding ocean waves on half broken a refrigerator!

Thank you Mystry

Bar

[Maximilianus]

Thankyou Max! :)

Good to see you back around! :)

And good to see you keep keyboarding fine pieces of text http://smiles.kolobok.us/standart/ok.gif http://smiles.kolobok.us/remake/bye.gif

[Maximilianus]

Pls perpetuate your delirium, it's so very sweet and enjoyable, light like jumping on the mooon...

And this time at least you built yourself a proper rocket (though hmmm... rockets!), after all a safer means of transportation than riding ocean waves on half broken a refrigerator!

Thank you Mystry

Bar

I second this! http://smiles.kolobok.us/artists/just_cuz/JC_rockin.gif

[Spotted Fever]

haha a very playful piece. i truly enjoyed the lighthearted sense of exploration and the search for happiness that i assume was the metaphorical theme of this piece. great job man definitely deserved multiple reads!

[MystyrMystyry]

Thankyou Bar22do! :)

Long time no see - looking forward to some future submissions ?? (please)

[MystyrMystyry]

Thanks again Max! :)

[MystyrMystyry]

Thanks Spotted Fever! :)

[MystyrMystyry]

Finally got around to updating it, to my ears it still needs work though...