Crimson

[M.T.]

This is actually the first chapter of a longer story I'm writing, but I think it more or less stands on its own. I'm greally grateful for any kind of feedback :)

The cows’ shadows were drawn into long brushstrokes as they ran and stirred up dust in front of the crimson sky. Something was in the air and made them nervous. It drove them to stamp their hooves and shake their heads, eyes wide open and breathing in spurts.
The younger folk laughed at their panic – the sweat on their fur, the dangling tongues, it looked ridiculous on a summer day as quiet as this. But the elders gripped their walking sticks tighter and could feel their hearts growing heavy with fear. The animals always knew first, and as they scanned their surroundings, they noticed it too. It was hard to breathe. The air was getting humid and stale, the sky seemed to be pressing down on them and black clouds were gathering over the mountain. Their rooms felt smaller and smaller by the minute.
They had to get out of here.
Some youngsters laughed even now, as the adults hurried about with flickering eyes and flailing arms, as panicked as the cattle and just as ridiculous. But as the elders started to shout at them, their whole skin shivering and their bony hands shaking as they gripped them by the shoulders and pushed them forwards, away, away, just away, they started to worry too. They wouldn’t let them take anything, not a toy, not a blanket, not a book, while the adults raided the houses for supplies as quickly as they could. They young ones were pressed onto the carts, one after the other, they were pushed together as tightly as hens in a coop and they looked just as confused. Adults mounted the carts soon after, some were carrying sacks, some jumped from there onto horseback, others ran away again to fetch something else. Parents pulled their children closer, started talking softly about happy things and that they shouldn’t be afraid, that everything would be fine, but that they would have to be strong now and they should never ever let go. The children were none the wiser, but they nodded bravely. They had never seen their parents so scared.
Their carts started to roll, one of them filled solely with sheep, and the horseman were driving the horses like the earth would crumble behind them.
And crumble it did.
It started with a hollow roar breaking through from the depths of the earth, as if a monster had been awoken. The mountain started to vibrate, the ground started to shake and the people were all pushed together into one small corner of their carts. Little stones were flying up, trees seemed to be caught in a tension and shudders went through the earth like waves.
They came almost rhythmically, as if driven on by an ancient drumbeat and they came with such a gleeful brutality that it almost seemed natural, like a nightmare that was feared yet expected.
The quaking only grew stronger and by now, even bigger rocks were thrown up and about, trees were torn in two or three, even parts of the mountain crumbled and rolled down with ever-growing quickness. The horsemen were trying their best, but the horses were scared out of their minds and many were trying to shake off their harness and break free. Most of the people were crying – it wasn’t a conscious decision, the earth seemed to press it out of them and they had to obey. Little children were covering their ears, but they still heard the howling.
Big holes had opened up in the earth, hungry mouths just waiting to be fed with surface and ready to crush all with their teeth of stone. The bulkier animals which hadn’t been able to escape slid into them, throwing their legs upwards, trying to climb out, desperation in their every movement, screaming. But gravity always won.
And just as the tears were shaken out of them, liquid spilled forth from the mountain. It was beautiful and deadly and even now, while the earth was wreaking havoc, their faces smeared with dirt and cuts, through the flying debris and the ash, they simply couldn’t stop looking at it.
It was as hot and bright as the sun. Steam fizzled from it and rose to the sky as the liquid poured down the black mountain like an ancient snake goddess of forgotten tales. Its scales were made from fire, its tongue was forged in heat and its mighty glow illuminated the dirty blackness surrounding it: gold, ruby and orange gleamed in its eyes and it roared.
A million sparks spluttered from the top of the mountain and came raining down as the earth ruptured with one last tremble and came to rest.
The sparks were majestic, more impressive than any firework and they whizzed through the dark clouds like shooting stars before they landed on the ground in a hot explosion of vapour. By now, the snake had separated into many smaller branches, like veins on the black skin of the mountain and they crackled as they slid into a comfortable position and settled down.
It was quiet now.
Only a weak hum was in the air and it came from the clouds which had yet to play their part in this birthday celebration. For this was the inception of a new life.
The humans had disappeared out of sight. It didn’t matter that the ground was still. They were still shaking.

[M.T.]

Nobody? Well, here's the second part.

At the foot of the mountain, no more than three steps away from the wrecked village, a particularly large puddle of lava had formed. It was entirely golden and bubbling like boiling water.
It was a curious sight: every time a bubble popped, a small, golden creature put its head out of the puddle and looked around in confusion. It grew an upper body and little arms and it raised them as it emerged from the depths. Soon it was standing there on its feet: quaint, golden, ravishingly beautiful and baffled at its own existence.
Bubbles popped one after the other and the creatures slowly realized that they were not alone. They carefully took their first steps (some fell down and had to be helped up, some had trouble putting their feet forward), poked each other, went around each other, held each other’s hands and stared for a while.
“This is what I look like?” they thought “How stunning I must be”
They were creatures of light and warmth, shining like stars and candles in honey and they smelled like hot chestnuts as they swarmed around one another in a rush of happiness.
“Look at me!”, one of them shouted, “Look at what I can do!”
And she closed her little eyes, clenched her little fists and with a rush of heat, she shone even brighter than all of the others and smiled brilliantly. Then she rolled a little ball of lava out of her hand and started juggling with it. The other creatures were amazed, clapped their hands and gathered around her to get a good look. They were so enthralled, they didn’t even notice the black clouds over their heads drawing closer.
She performed other tricks for them, things that just came to her mind as she went along: merging her arm with her head, so that it went in on one side and would come out on the other, or whirling around, so that the glimmering liquid of her body formed a fluttering skirt, or picking up a stone and burning through it with her scorching hands, skipping and jumping, dancing and laughing, the others were shouting for more, were roaring and cheering. She was the first of their kind to make them laugh and the first to have a name: They called her Ea.
But amidst the happy crowd, one voice disappeared with a hiss. One second before, there had been a jolly little creature, but now, there was only an ashen blot on the lava puddle and black smoke soared up from it. It had started to rain. The others fell into a frenzy and started screaming, but even though they tried to run from the drops, they were extinguished left and right, with nothing left but a stain and some smoke.
This was when the last bubble popped. The red lava had petered out into the dirty black soil around the puddle and with a very last effort, the head of the snake bit into a dark rock and dissolved around it, only to form a sturdy, dirty-red bubble seconds later.
This was my bubble.
I emerged like all of the others, but even before I had opened my eyes, I heard screaming.
Ea was shouting orders. She got the others to run to a mountain ledge and take shelter under it. She ran out time and time again to get everyone to safety. She was the very first thing I saw. I admired her instantly. If this was who I am, I thought, then surely, I could be proud.
Ea was still running about, helping those who had fallen, when the creatures under the ledge detected my emerging figure. They were mumbling and pointing at me, because they were confused: their bubble had looked quite different. My bubble popped and for now, I was still a shadow in front of the lightning streaked sky, growing taller. Suddenly, they gasped.
A raindrop had hit my head.
A shiver went through me. I opened my eyes. I stretched. I wasn’t dead. Obviously. But while I was admiring Ea, the others shuffled around nervously to the back of the cave. They felt uneasy about me. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to be dead.
Naturally, I didn’t know that, so I didn’t correct my mistake and dropped dead that instant, as would have been polite. Instead, I slouched over to the ledge, just like the others had done. But unlike the others, water droplets were still running down my face and as I was approaching, the crowd drew back even further to the back of the stone. Nonetheless, I stepped into the light they were radiating and tried, just like Ea, to greet them with a flashing smile. I raised my hand. I looked around.
They all stared at me. First, with something like wonder. Then, very quickly, with something like disgust.
Water droplets trickled to the floor in suffocating silence. I didn’t get it. I slowly lowered my arm and as I did, I couldn’t help looking at it. In horror, I actually snapped it away from me, in some stupid hope that I could throw it away, to get it off me, so that a normal one might grow afterwards. I was terrified. I had expected a smooth, golden arm just like the others had, but mine was hideous.
The others noticed my agony and very quietly, someone in the back started to giggle. I must have looked ridiculous. Staring at my own arm like that. Others joined in. Soon the whole crowd was laughing as I was forced to examine myself.
I brought my arm up to my face and I shuddered. I was half old lava, half stone. My hands were pure black, grained with some delicate veins of lava, while my arms were a dirty, crimson red that covered most of my body, covered in ash and little pebbles. I reached up to my head, where the raindrop had hit me: just like my hands and various other parts of my body, it was made of solid stone.
I was dirty.
That explained it.
My arms slumped to the side as I tried to grasp this. But I was born just a few seconds ago. The others were at an advantage. I think their laughing would have never ended, hadn’t one of them stepped forward and declared “Ea must never see you. She must be protected from defects like you”
“Yes!” “YES!” the others joined in and threw their beautiful arms up in the air.
Two bulky creatures came towards me and gripped me so that I wouldn’t escape. It was unnecessary. All energy had left my body and I hung in their middle as if I was already dead.
I was a defect.
They guy who had shouted before, Nuri, the second one to be named, spotted a small hole at the very back of the cave. “Throw her in there!”, he demanded and the two creatures dragged me along and hurriedly threw me in there, as if I was something contagious.
Nuri thought for a moment. Ea had shown them that they could burn through rocks, but my stone hands would be useless against stone. “Now roll a big stone in front of it!” He had to hurry. Ea was approaching, with the last creature on her back.
They had to protect her from “it”.
The two big ones carefully rolled the stone so that they wouldn’t burn it too much and I just watched. I couldn’t think at all. I was only filled with something that I would later call pain, but in this moment, I had no word for it. So I just sat there, my eyes hollow, my arms ugly, my body shaking as they shut me out from the rest of the world. I watched as I saw last glimpses of the cloud-filled sky. Last glimpses of beautiful, worried, angry faces. Last glimpses of Ea as she joined the others. And soon, there was nothing but darkness.
I could hear them talk. They explained that they didn’t feel comfortable here, that they’d rather move to the other end of the ledge. Ea saw no reason why not. I could have screamed. To this day, I am certain, that if I had screamed, Ea would have helped me. But I didn’t scream. Because I still couldn’t think. I only felt pain.

[DATo]

OK .... I think I'm starting to get into it.

It's abstract but interesting. Let's see where you go from here. Please continue.

[108 fountains]

I liked the basic structure of this story. There is a lot of imagination on display here, and I’m looking forward to what comes next. But let me make just a couple of observations on how you might improve the narration:

Bringing the first person narrator into the story after so much action has already passed seemed incongruous. (How would she, the narrator, know about and be able to relate the flight of the humans and the coming into being of the lava people and their destruction by the rain if she wasn’t there to witness it?) I’d strongly recommend leaving the entire story in the third person and making the “I” another third person character.

When you said, “…they were extinguished left and right, with nothing left but a stain and some smoke,” I thought you meant they had all been wiped out, only to find that some had survived. Might want to change that to “…many of them were extinguished, with nothing left but a stain and some smoke.”

There are a few curious choices of diction throughout, and you might want to go back and make sure that each word you use is the best word for whatever it is you are describing. Two places in particular where the word choice seemed out of place:

“I was dirty. That explained it.” It would have been better and more accurate to say, “I was cooling. That explained it.” Or, if you want to convey that the others felt she was dirty, you could say something like, “I was cooling. That explained it. And to the others I appeared dirty.”

“…She must be protected from defects like you.” “Defect” is not the right word to use here. It means a flaw or imperfection in something. A better choice of words would be “freak” or “abomination” or “monster” or “loathsome creature,” or something like that.

But overall, I enjoyed the inventiveness of the story and think it has good potential.

[M.T.]

I routinely forget I have this account, so here's a very belated update to the story. I really appreciate all feedback :)

It was dark in the cave and blackness enveloped my world. I didn’t know much else. The mountains, the clouds, the rain, the light I had seen in the outside world quickly became uncertain, dreamlike fragments of my mind, existing in a space of what if.
If the others hadn’t come by every now and then, I probably would have started to doubt whether any of it had actually happened. But they came. They checked up on me.
That sounds very pleasant, but most of the time, they merely laughed in my face. Or they burnt holes in the stone, stuck their faces through and dared each other to go in (- they never did). Or they called me names. Threw little pebbles at me. Taunted me. Asked how I was doing. Whether I had feelings. Whether I hated them. Whether I would rather die. They always came at night and when they were done, they replaced my one-way door to the world with another stone, while one of them guarded the entrance.
At first I acted like I couldn’t hear them. I didn’t move. I let the stones bounce off me. I faced the other way. But there was some power in me that wanted to live. And this wasn’t living.
I wanted to get out of there. My eyes were growing dimmer by the minute, and I wanted to look at the light I couldn’t see.
I started walking. Running in circles. I started to push against the stone. Hitting it, kicking it, scratching it, biting it, none of it worked. I tried various pressure points, all angles, taking run ups, jumping and then kicking in the air, digging below and upheaving it, nothing. I tried to ignite my hands, to make them shine like the others could, but they remained dead stone.
I started crying. I screamed. I wanted to do something, anything, everything just to get out of this cave. I wanted to run. I didn’t want to see any of it anymore. It made me sick. The same stone walls, the same ups and downs of the ground, the way my voice echoed, the loneliness, the fear, the futility of it all, the laughing, the hitting, the way the stone started to sizzle when they were burning holes in it, the way I could feel them coming, could hear their voices even when they weren’t there, felt stones hitting me when I was alone in the night.
It was driving me insane.
I wanted out. I started throwing my own stones at them when they peeked through. I tried to run when only one of them was guarding the opening. I made accusations. I screamed at them. I told them to let me out. I started scratching pictures into the walls, the mountain as I remembered it, the rain that was coming down, the others gathered together at the back of the cave, Ea carrying a small one to safety, me, in the middle of the cave, on the floor, where I was always lying, something, anything, just to do something that was me, something that wasn’t forced on my back and I was crying again.
And then I became quiet.
The others thought that I was accepting my fate. They sighed in relief. My screaming could have been noticed by Ea. Silence was good. Silence was easy to hide. Silence meant approval. Silence meant I was okay with it.
I knew better. Silence meant my mind was working. Silence meant I was coming up with something new. Silence I meant I was serious now. And so I sat myself down and just thought about it. I had been sitting like that for days when I heard the familiar “Sssssss” of someone burning through the stone. I didn’t turn around. My mind was clear now. They should say whatever they wanted to. I didn’t care anymore. They couldn’t hurt me. I had survived them so far, so whatever they had in store, I was intrinsically better.
My eyes were closed as they started the usual. “Wow, it really stinks in here, huh?” “Must be all the old ash flying around” “What a horrible atmosphere” “Do you see that thing in the middle?” “Uuuuh, what could that be?” “I don’t know. It’s just so ugly. Is it even alive?” “I think it is” “I think so too” “You know what else I think? I think it likes stones” “I sure think it does. It’s practically begging for it” “Oh, yes, let’s give it some. Let’s be nice” “Let’s be”
And they almost started to throw them, when I stood up and very, very slowly turned around to face them. They hesitated. I wasn’t running towards them. I was just walking. Slowly. Resolutely. Towards them. They were silent. They were staring at me. Just like that day in the rain. They were hanging on my lips.
“Leave me alone”, I said. This wasn’t a plea. This was a command. “Go away”
I don’t know why, but in that moment, I wasn’t scared. They had pushed me for too long. There was no scared in me left. I just felt hollow. I felt my eyes lighting up. It must have looked pretty scary in the dark: two ruby-red flashes in the nothingness. And a third flame I hadn’t expected.
One that no one had expected. But they didn’t even notice it anymore. They had never heard me talk so coldly and it had scared them. Maybe I had discovered a trick. Maybe I was out for revenge. And they had run away like the brave warriors they were.
But I was still here. And all of a sudden, the cave was illuminated. It wasn’t because of the five holes in the stone. It was because of me. Something on me had lightened up. The third flame. I was looking at my body, when I realized that it was on top of me: flames were dancing on my head like a crown.
I reached up to feel it, but my hand caught on fire too! I was about to panic, when I noted that it didn’t hurt. At all. But my stone hand was now glowingly hot and so I did the same for my other hand and I had two perfectly good melting punches at my disposal.
I almost had to thank the others for leaving so many holes in the stone. I merely had to connect them and soon I had a hole I could slip through. Even while I was still working on it, relishing in the “ssssss” that was now coming from me, I shyly glimpsed at the world: there was a sky, more beautiful than I had remembered and so very blue, and clouds and mountains and the rest of the golden puddle, still gurgling happily. There were sounds and there was wind and the sun shone brightly and my body felt warmer and light. I even saw the others, far away on the other side, celebrating one thing or another while I was breaking into freedom.
And soon, I was out of the cave. Standing in the light, breathing the fresh air and laughing like mad. I couldn’t believe it. I was free. I was… I was… it didn’t want to get into my head, but yes, I was free.
I looked into the cave for one last time, looked at the scratching of me lying on the floor and I bid it goodbye. This was the past. And I was stepping into the future.
---------------------------------------------------
The world was very bare but I couldn’t care less. Everything was a miracle: every blade of grass, no matter how few and in between, every charred tree, every destroyed house that I crawled over, every rock I had to climb, the sun that shone on my head and made me feel comfortable and warm, everything was new and exciting.
I loved how the clouds could change their shape, how the world felt under my feet, how I could walk against the wind and take shelter under trees. I loved the forest as soon as I entered it: the ever changing shadows dancing with circles of light, the sounds of animals, moles and worms far below, dragonflies and birds far above, fluttering their feathers and singing their songs. There was other life than the beings I knew, there were beings that looked not a bit like the others and it was beautiful. I saw deer and I saw bunnies, I saw ants and I walked alongside their troops until I heard something that sounded like rain.
I could jump and could run without bumping against walls, towards the horizon which only went on and on towards the infinite blue that was garnished by twisted huge trees that climbed up to the fluffy white clouds from where troops of red leaves sailed down on a gust of wind and rushed around me in a flurry of joy and I danced among them like a dandelion and I crawled under roots and I looked under stones and I shouted hello, I used a flower as walking stick and a nutshell as a hat, I dozed in moss and I rolled down a hill, I laughed until I hurt and I was filled with a completely new sensation, one I never wanted to end, as I peered through droplets of morning dew and saw the world upside down, as I slid down a crooked tree and dug a hole just because I could, as I spotted a turquoise butterfly and decided to follow it for the rest of my life, as I tumbled and toppled through the underwood and finally fell on my stomach in complete exhaustion, crawled and slumped down against a bush of honey berries that cushioned me softly.
My eyes were shining so brightly, they lit up my hands as I held them in front of my face. The fire crown on my head was long gone by now, but it felt as if it had wandered down into my stomach where it kept heating my weary body. I was completely out of breath and wriggling with juicy felicity and as I kept looking at my arms in the tender afternoon sun, I couldn’t help thinking that maybe they weren’t that bad after all. Ugly, no question, but at least they had gotten me out of the mess they had gotten me into. That had to amount to something.
I breathed out a happy sigh when I saw the turquoise butterfly again. I pushed myself up and stared at it. It almost seemed as if it was staring back at me, but in a sudden turn it flew away from me as fast as it could. Determined not to let it get away, I started running again and I almost twisted my neck as I kept looking up to spot it. It seemed to be playing with me – whenever I thought I had lost it, it just popped back up again only to disappear in another direction. At first it only peeked through bushes and flowers, but after some time I had to up my game as it flew higher and higher and I climbed up the branches of the nearest tree, which still wasn’t enough, because now it started moving forward, so I had to jump from tree to tree which was terrifying. And also the greatest fun I’d ever had.
When it really seemed like I’d lost it and I was scouting out the tree tops, it suddenly materialized in front of me. I almost lost my footing and would have fallen down quite a distance, but it grabbed me and helped me stabilize on the branch. I flinched. It was the first time someone had touched me ever since I’d been thrown in the cave. She noticed and carefully let go when I was sure-footed.
She was smiling at me. That was something I’d never seen. Hesitantly, I smiled back and she giggled without making a sound. She was wearing a sort of bag out of which she now got a white petal and a short piece of stalk. She started scribbling on the petal and then handed it to me.
I was confused. She had drawn a lot of symbols on there, but I didn’t know what they meant. I shook my head, apologized and handed it back to hear. She seemed very surprised and was about to draw something else on there, when pure horror grew on her face. She was looking beyond me and started to shiver, before pushing me in a cluster of leaves and flying away in a hurry.
I cautiously looked out between the green and saw a huge monster of an eagle darting in my direction. It had seen me. I tried to dive back into the tiny grove, but it was already here. It waltzed through the branches and hit me with its right wing, which catapulted me right out of the tree.
While falling and seeing it racing further, I understood: It hadn’t been after me.
It had been after her.