Luck Charm

[Fatimah A]

Hello everyone!
I'd done this story as a homework on my English school and it's the first story written by me.
I hope to find here a good recommendation to improve my writing skils....


Luck Charm

On a cold night, the rain was so heavy and the wind was blowing hard. A beautiful girl walked down the street. She does not have any goal or anything to do, like everyday. She walks for nothing, for nowhere. She feels like she is controlled by something invisible, something pushes her to walk around, maybe she lost something or maybe it's destiny pushing her to help others but she didn't think that her necklace was the hidden power. It was given to her from a woman. She can't forget that day when she was on the beach and saved a child's life from drowning. His mother thanked her a lot and gave her a white heart necklace. "wear it all the time and don't remove it from your neck, it's your luck charm, it will turn to red if you find love". Since then, her life changed for the worst, in her opinion. Everyday from 6pm to midnight, she starts wondering for nothing.

All of a sudden when she was walking on the sidewalk, she heard a sound of car horns and then a strong collision. She closed her eyes and cried out. It's not the first time she witnessed an accidents but she doesn't know why she feels so scared and feels like her heart will jump out of her body at this moment!?

After a moment, she heard someone asking for help. She looked back and saw a man trying to get out of the car. He was covered in blood but she felt better that he is still alive. She called the ambulance asking them to hurry up!!!

In the hospital, she was just out side the emergency room waiting for the doctor when a nurse came out.
She said "could you please tell me what happened to him?"
- "sorry but who are you?"
- "I'm the one who came with him"
- "oh ok, don't worry, he has got a broken arm and some slight scratches. He's in a good condition, could you go to the receptionist to fill out the entrance application?"
- "ok, thank you so much, I'm very grateful"
She filled out the application and then she felt comfortable, now it's time to leave.

When he wake up, he asked the nurse about the person who helped him and she said that she filled the application and then she left.
He tried to find out her information from the receptionist and finally he got her phone number before he left the hospital.
After a few days he called her in the morning.
hello!
She answered with soft voice: hi, who is this?
I'm Adam, you helped me last week in the accident.
Her heart beat was so fast when she realize that he is ok: oh, how are now? I hope that you have recovered and you feel better, I'm Rose.
nice to meet you Rose, I'm better now and I want to thank you so much for helping me, I appreciate it.
oh!!! it's nothing, I'm happy that your better.
would you allow me to buy a cup of coffee for you today? I really want to meet you and to thank you personally. Are you available to come this afternoon?
not today, how about saturday?
ok, no problem.
But where?
in any coffee shop near by.
ok, there is a coffee shop on the main street.
ok, see you then.
see you.

In the coffee shop, Adam was surprised, he was wondering about one thing, Something unreal and fascinating about her.
Rose was holding her necklace in her hand, she was so nervous when they started talking, but she felt better after a few minutes.
it's nice to meet you Rose and thank you again, I really can't explain how it was painful that time and you helped me so fast, I felt safe when I saw you.
nice to meet you too, it's really nothing.
They talked about them selves in a long conversation and before they left Adam said: I would to meet you again as friends.
sure, it would be my pleasure.
thank you Rose, see you soon.
see you.

In the house, she was thinking of him standing in front of the mirror and surprised. She looked at the necklace, the heart turned to pink! What happened? I'm sure it was white and then she remembered the woman. Is it true that I will find love?
After they met, she stopped being directionless.

They started dating since then, they felt like they belong together and the necklace turns red day by day.
One day, Adam told her that his mother wants to meet her. It was a surprise to Rose and to his mother as well. His mother was the one who gave her the necklace.
The mother said: hello Rose, nice to see you again.
hello ma'am, nice to see you too.
Adam surprised: do you know each other?
Mother: yes, we met a few months ago on the beach, she helped your brother from drowning.
oh my god!
and she helped you as you told me, thank you so much dear, you are the luck charm for my family. Last time I gave you the necklace, it was white and now it's red, which means you found your true love. Now I will give you my son to thank you for every thing, I trust you and I hope you will live together in happiness and peace for ever.


The End


Thank you for reading it and I'm waiting for your feedback ;)

[EvoWarrior5]

Hello Fatimah, welcome to the Literature Network.

As your story was written for an assignment for your English class I am not sure how far to take my feedback; how deep I should go into it. I will just say what comes to mind and hope you find help in my feedback.

To start off with a general comment on the plot: I do like the idea, but I should say that it comes across as cheesy. In a way it is interesting, but it did not really grip me. Nonetheless, if you wish to broaden this story and edit it so that it becomes more interesting (even when the plot remains the same) then here are some tips.

Firstly, the conventions and style are off. There is a lack of capitals sometimes, and the dialogue is not really put in properly, at least in the part where you add dashes before the lines, which is not needed. I am no hero at this though, so I advise you to open a novel or look at a short story or two and look at how dialogue looks there. Then, regarding your tenses. Sometimes you use present tense and sometimes you use past tense. Be consistent about this: always speak in the present or past tense depending on what you are going for, I presume past tense in this story.

Now for linguistic stuff. The first advice I give you is to be more descriptive. The story is so short and it all happens so quickly. To grab your reader you must sketch out scenes further to create the mood and get some build-up in your scenes. A concrete example I have of this right away is the “strong collision” you speak of. You could for example change this to “the sound of metal clashing on metal, echoed by the surrounding buildings.”; the message is the same but it sounds more dramatic. Or when you say the man “asked for help”: this sounds too casual coming from someone who was just in a car crash and is now in danger of dying; you should change the word “ask” to something that fits how he would sound better, or at least add an adjective that indicates he is weak. I could go over more examples but I advise you to go back over it and look at what you could broaden out and describe more deeply.

Another thing that I advise you to change is your usage of punctuation marks at the end of a few sentences, like in “…and feels like her heart will jump out of her body at any moment!?” and at the end of the next paragraph with “…asking them to hurry up!!!”. If you want to emphasise something one exclamation mark suffices, but you should mostly let your language speak for itself. Convey the emotions through description, and the reader will know how to read and feel it.

Aside from that there are some minor errors such as “it was given to her from a woman” which should be “by a woman”. Also for those minor mistakes I advise you to look back on it and see what seems off, and to look up things you are not sure about.

It is late here so I will not go into further examples and stop writing here. Hope you found use in my comments and good luck with any further stories you may write.

Evo

[Fatimah A]

Thank you very much, these are a very helpful advices.
I will look on it again to find what I have to correct here :nod:

[CoreySchell]

I like the basic plot of the story, but the characters aside from the Mom seemed to talk almost as if they were robots. Some punctuation and grammar was off, but it happens time to time. From the moment she saw the Adam it's obvious he's the one, and the story became predictable. It would have been a little interesting if there was more to the story. For example: Adam didn't get along with his mother so he didn't see her often which is why he never told her before she was dating a girl, and hadn't seen her for so long he didn't recognize the necklace. So the charm would essentially be bringing the whole family together. All in all I liked it, it was interesting enough for me to read it all. :)

[Fatimah A]

Thank you CoreySchell for the addition.
I'm only an intermediat English student and till now I can't avoid all grammer mistakes, I hope that I can do it one day without any errors.
I like the idea about not getting along with his mom, it would be more interesting with this addition.
Thank you again, I'm happy with all effective comments from all members here :)

[Fatimah A]

Hello everyone!
I looked back on the storry and I tried to use your recommendations and to correct my mistakes, I hope it's better now.

Luck Charm

On a cold night, the rain was so heavy and the wind was blowing hard. A beautiful girl walked down the street. She did not have any goal or anything to do, like everyday. She walked for nothing, for nowhere. She felt like she was controlled by something invisible, something pushed her to walk around, maybe she lost something or maybe it was destiny pushing her to help others. She didn't think that her necklace was the hidden power. It was given to her by a woman. She can't forget that day when she was on the beach and saved a child's life from drowning. His mother thanked her a lot and gave her a white heart necklace. "wear it all the time and don't remove it from your neck, it's your luck charm, it will turn to red if you find love". Since then, her life changed for worst, in her opinion. Everyday from 6pm to midnight, she started wondering for nothing.

All of a sudden when she was walking on the sidewalk, she heard a sound of car horns and then the sound of metal clashing on metal, echoed by the surrounding buildings. She closed her eyes and cried out. It wasn't the first time she witnessed an accidents but she didn't know why she felt so scared and felt like her heart will jump out of her body at this moment!

After a moment, she heard someone screaming "please help me". She looked back and saw a man trying to get out of the car. The blood was everywhere covering his body and (he was holding his left hand by the other hand). She felt better that he is still alive. She called the ambulance asking them to hurry up!

In the hospital, she was just out side the emergency room waiting for the doctor when a nurse came out.
She said "could you please tell me what happened to him?"
"sorry but who are you?"
"I'm the one who came with him"
"oh ok, don't worry, he has got a broken arm and some slight scratches. He's in a good condition, could you go to the receptionist to fill out the entrance application?"
"ok, thank you so much, I'm very grateful"
She filled out the application and then she left "A new person adding to the list"

When he wake up, he asked the nurse about the person who helped him and she said that she filled the application and then she left.
He tried to find out her information from the receptionist and finally he got her phone number before he left the hospital.
After a few days he called her in the morning.
"hello!"
She answered with soft voice: "hi, who is this?"
"I'm Adam, you helped me last week in the accident"
"oh, how are now? I hope that you have recovered and you feel better, I'm Rose"
"nice to meet you Rose, I'm better now and I want to thank you so much for helping me, I appreciate it"
"it's nothing, I'm happy that your better"
"would you allow me to buy a cup of coffee for you today? I really want to meet you and to thank you personally. Are you available to come this afternoon?"
"Sorry, I have an appointment today, how about saturday?"
"ok, no problem"
"But where?"
"in any coffee shop near by"
"ok, there is a coffee shop on the main street"
"ok, see you then"
"see you"

In the coffee shop, Adam was wondering about one thing, Something unreal and fascinating about her.
Rose was holding her necklace in her hand, she was so nervous when they started talking, but she felt better after a few minutes.
"It's nice to meet you Rose and thank you again, I really can't explain how it was painful that time and you helped me so fast, I felt safe when I saw you"
"Nice to meet you too, it's really nothing"
They talked about them selves in a long conversation and he told her that he just moved on this neighborhood.
Before they left Adam said: "I would to meet you again as friends and neighbors"
"It would be my pleasure, I'm sure you will like this peaceful neighborhood, all neighbors are kind"
"I hope so, thank you and see you soon"
"See you"

They had been meeting sometime on weekends. She was amazed that the necklace turned to pink and she stopped being directionless.
They started dating after a month, they felt like they belong together and the necklace turns red day by day.

One day, they were talking about their families. She asked him about his mother: "I knew only one thing about your family that your father passed away a year ago but you had never tell me about your mother!"
"To be honest, I didn't get along with her since my father died"
"Why?"
"I was out of the country when he died and she didn't even tell me. I shocked when I came back after two weeks. I bought his favorite tea but he wasn't there. It would be better if I saw him or even if I was in his funeral. Since then, I moved out from the house. I visit her in holidays"
"I understand you, it's really painful feelings but I think your father will be happy in his place if he see you together, I will help you to break the ice. Can we visit her to get her blessings?"
He didn't convinced at first but she insisted until he accept.

In the week end, they went to the village where his mother lives. Rose liked their house, it was in the middle of a small field and there were orange trees everywhere, it seemed legendary with wooden doors.
They pressed the bell and then the mother opened the door. She was so happy when she saw him and she didn't realized that there was someone with him, and Rose couldn't say anything.
Adam started talking: "How are you mom?"
"I'm fine, I really miss you dear, how are you going?"
"I'm quite well, mom this is Rose my girlfriend"
It was a surprise to Rose and to his mother as well. She was the one who gave her the necklace.
The mother said: "Hello Rose, nice to see you again"
"Hello ma'am, nice to see you too"
They entered to the living room while they talked.
Adam: "Do you know each other?"
Mother: "Yes, we met a few months ago on the beach, she helped your brother from drowning"
"What's a surprise! She helped me in that car accident, too"
"Oh dear, thank you so much"
Rose answered: "I did what I had to do, I didn't think that you are his mother, I'm glad to see you again"
Adam: "We are planing to get married and we need your blessings"
Her tears flowed out her eyes and she hugged him.
"He will be happy if he is here"
Rose: "I'm sure he is happy even though he isn't here, it's enough to see his family together"
"You are the luck charm for my family. Last time I gave you the necklace, it was white and now it's red, which means you found your true love. Now I will give you my son to thank you for every thing, may god bless you, I trust you and I hope you will live together in happiness and peace for ever"

The End


I will be happy with your feedback :)