People, more people and then – She.

[Sourabh]

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[Nicolle]

Well done. Simple and seems straight from the heart.

[Igor, Froderick]

Clever use of theme and metaphor. Poignancy underlies this piece: Why doesn't the narrator care for his pet? Or other people for that matter? And there's a subtext that he won't like anyone else like her.

Aside from small syntax and grammar fixes, voice is strong. I prefer hope, optimism and good karma allusions, but despite the sadness I enjoyed your story.

[DATo]

I like the way you constructed the analogy between the dog and the narrator. Cleverly done! Of course the dog is meant to be entranced by the bone shaped toy as the narrator is entranced by "She". I might be so bold to suggest that those in the office who served up the one-liners can also be compared to the squirrels who went unnoticed and ignored by the dog. That seems like a plausible extension of the analogy.

The narrator asks the same question with regard to the dog's fixation over the bone and his own fixation with the woman. The bone was inedible for the dog and the woman was unattainable by the narrator but this did not dissuade either from their fascination of the object of their dreams. At the end of the story the narrator wonders what it was that caused his fixation with the woman leaving the question open for each reader to answer for himself.

Perhaps the bone was for the dog the manifestation of the IDEAL Bone, and for the narrator the woman was the ideal and archetype of all women. In each case I believe both the dog and the narrator are mesmerized by what they believe to be the incarnation of the ideal represented by the object of their yearning which is at hand i.e. the bone and the woman. Each is searching for, and finds, if only ephemerally, the object of his dreams.

The theme of your story reminds me of the poem Eldorado, by Edgar Allen Poe.

Gaily bedight,
A gallant knight,
In sunshine and in shadow,
Had journeyed long,
Singing a song,
In search of Eldorado.

But he grew old—
This knight so bold—
And o'er his heart a shadow
Fell as he found
No spot of ground
That looked like Eldorado.

And, as his strength
Failed him at length,
He met a pilgrim shadow—
"Shadow," said he,
"Where can it be—
This land of Eldorado?"

"Over the Mountains
Of the Moon,
Down the Valley of the Shadow,
Ride, boldly ride,"
The shade replied—
"If you seek for Eldorado!"

Good job Sourabh!

[Sourabh]

Thanks Nicolle. Yes, I guess right from it!

[Sourabh]

Hi Froderick, thanks for pointing things out.

I think I was having a shot at some sarcasm and humour which clearly didn't go too well.

The narrator was supposed to be a kid or a teen when his family had the dog and he didn't like it that much. I just wanted to highlight the fact that the dog caught his fancy only after its obsession. I might have even used is to shift focus from the dog to the other subject.

Also, I meant that the narrator was seeking some traits in the people around him which he finally got to see in her. Hence, the use of "wasn’t that good at liking people".

Your comments made me realize that I tend to leave the sentences a bit too open. It's like I'm writing to myself more than the reader. Hence, missing the intended.

English is my second. Working on it.

Thanks a lot and I am glad you enjoyed reading it.

[Sourabh]

Hello DATo,

I saw your feedbacks on other posts and really hoped to see your views on this one.

It's amazing to know how well you connected to the analogy. Although I'm not a Poem guy, I loved this one.

Thanks a ton and keep up the good work.

[AuntShecky]

Here are a few comments per your request.

According to your replies to previous comments I understand that English is your second language. On that point you are way ahead of me, as I don't know a word of your language. As a matter of fact, it has been decades since I've sat in a so-called "foreign" language class. To this day I'm dependent on various bilingual dictionaries.

Even so, if you wish to continue in writing in English, I think that your prose might improve if you invested some time into learning grammar and usage. From the small sample of your writing, I detect that among other things, you have a little trouble with pronouns.

The important thing about pronouns is that they substitute or "stand in" for nouns. For that reason, each pronoun you use should directly refer to the last (closest) noun that has previously appeared. This noun is called the "antecedent."

In this story, your pronouns seem isolated little orphans with no parent noun supporting them. For example,the reader doesn't know who the "she" in the title is. The pronouns in a later sentence are totally confusing, simply because the antecendents are unclear:


"A senior manager was interviewing me, and she took a seat beside him." This sentence reads in such a way that "she" refers to "a senior manager," which is the closest noun. And when the reader comes to the "him" at the end of the sentence, we don't really know who that person is.

Not only that, a carefully-chosen noun carried more weight than a pronoun. For instance
"I saw this girl" Which girl? Since she is crucial to the story, at least identify her more specifically. For example, you could say, "My new co-worker." Would it kill you to give her an actual name?

Another pitfall to avoid is misplaced modifiers, or as old-time English teachers use to call them, "dangling participles." Just as the case of pronouns, when you include descriptive material, make sure it describes the closest noun. Here's an example of what I mean:
"The frown between the eyes that she had each time people came with an issue with her was just like a kid would have on his first trip to the zoo." I assume the "kid on his first trip to the zoo" is intended to modify "frown," but the position of the phrase in the sentence actually modifies "issue."

Incidentally, from a literal standpoint the sentence is weak. First of all, a frown doesn't normally occur "between the eyes" but in a more southerly direction on the face. Additionally, the phrase "each time people came with an issue with her" doesn't really tell us anything. It's too vague. Try to be more specific.

As you become more comfortable with the language, your vocabulary would (one would guess) increase.One of your goals in writing should be to choose words that are concise yet strong. Make every word count.By picking nouns packed with meaning you won't have write yourself into a corner with excessive adjectives and other modifiers. Choose powerful, active verbs rather than depending on "is" and other forms of the verb "to be." If your verbs are strong enough, there is less of a need to employ adverbs ("-ly" words.) as in this sentence:
"She was aberrantly calm like she owned the space around her." Why do you need "aberrantly," which means "deviating from the normal course of behavior"?

Avoid passive constructions, as well as avoiding awkward constructions, as in your sentence beginning "Being mean. . ." Additionally try to vary the types of sentences. Your writing seems to favor passages full of simple declarative sentences, which have the tendency to sound "choppy." Mix in some compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences so to establish a rhythm or a "flow" of your prose. Don't start successive paragraphs in the same way; for instance, two paragraphs in a row begin with "I."

About the opening, I would say that it seems lackluster. Try to open your story in medias res, if not with an action scene but with a sentence, even a word, designed to "hook" the reader.

It's perfectly all right to draw an analogy,such as a dog obsessed with a bone; as it is presented here, however, the parallels are too blatant, as if there were neon signs shimmering around it. Writers of modern and contemporary fiction are less heavy-handed. A more effective place for the analogy would be within the narrative, and even there, it should be subtle.

Finally, the overall effect of this story is somewhat underwhelming. If you were to submit this for publication, the editor might comment that it is "too slight"; it seems that little in the way of significance or urgency is going on. We owe our readers enough respect to present a story worthy of the time it takes to read it. Pick a topic that has the potential to amuse,if not stir the passions. Move the reader or at least make her laugh.

The problems with your work will gradually diminished as you increase your skills. Again, do this by studying grammar and usage and building a vocabulary. Reading a wide variety of short stories from various eras would help you in both areas, along with giving you an idea (over the long haul) of how to produce a good short story.

Hope this helps.

Good luck, and welcome to the NitLet.

Auntie

[Sourabh]

Hi Auntie,

I really appreciate your advice on the grammar and specifically sentence structuring.

At the same time I would like to clarify certain things.

I would not give an actual name to 'She' even if someone pointed a gun at me and asked me to do so. Being specific would steal so much away from this piece. It would transform this anecdote from a 'thought' into a 'fact'.

As per my knowledge, a frown is about one's brows in an expression indicating disapproval, displeasure, or concentration.


She was aberrantly calm like she owned the space around her.

'abberrantly' was used to signify that her calmness was very unusual and strange in a way. I guess I should have used a more suitable word but I can't see this one as odd or wrong.


We had this little dog whose world suddenly turned upside down when we got him a bone shaped toy. He got so much obsessed with it that food, play and people hardly mattered to him. Even the squirrels in the backyard were starting to feel bored of not being stalked at. Finally, we had to get rid of the toy. Soon he died a natural death but I still like to think that it was the plastic bone which he had all this while in mind. I wish I could ask him how he felt about the bone. I knew the poor thing was sane enough to know it wasn’t edible. Then what was it that kept him going? What was so special about it?

The opening may seem very week. But that is the way it was supposed to be. Honestly, I wanted it to seem very natural and life-like rather than lustrous enough to be able to 'hook' people.

I hope I don't sound blunt but some of your advice seems rather restrictive. You suggesting a more 'amusing' topic, 'specifics' and 'action scene' obviously points to the fact that you were unable to connect to the abstract-ish anecdote that it was supposed to be. That's what can happen with all this bad grammar.

I personally like to read very open and feathery light simple pieces and believe there is a section of readers who do.

Overall your comment has been very helpful and I hope to work on my grammar.

Thanks.

[AuntShecky]

As per my knowledge, a frown is about one's brows in an expression indicating disapproval, displeasure, or concentration.
That's correct, of course. (I guess I'd better put the English dictionary in the same pile as the foreign ones.) I think I must've been thinking of it as the antithesis of a smile, as in the expression "Turn that frown upside down." Let it not be said that Auntie doesn't own up to her mistakes. Even so, I'm right about the other things I told you, which I had to learn over the course of nearly half a century.


I would not give an actual name to 'She' even if someone pointed a gun at me and asked me to do so. Being specific would steal so much away from this piece. It would transform this anecdote from a 'thought' into a 'fact'.The opening may seem very week. But that is the way it was supposed to be. Honestly, I wanted it to seem very natural and life-like rather than lustrous enough to be able to 'hook' people.

I hope I don't sound blunt but some of your advice seems rather restrictive. You suggesting a more 'amusing' topic, 'specifics' and 'action scene' obviously points to the fact that you were unable to connect to the abstract-ish anecdote that it was supposed to be. That's what can happen with all this bad grammar.


I still maintain that the weaknesses in your writing will diminish as you enrich your reading experiences. From this sample of your work, I would say that you haven't really been exposed to enough of the "good stuff" yet.

As for abstractions, avoid them like the proverbial plague. Please take a moment to take a look at this thread:

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?79868-Be-Afraid-Be-Very-Afraid&p=1268478#post1268478

Good luck.

Auntie

[Calidore]

Couple bits of input:



'abberrantly' was used to signify that her calmness was very unusual and strange in a way. I guess I should have used a more suitable word but I can't see this one as odd or wrong.

Actually, "strangely calm" would be fine for your intent. "Aberrant" means "deviating from normal", so "aberrantly calm" would mean "calm in a different way". It's describing the type of calm rather than the fact of her calmness.


The opening may seem very week. But that is the way it was supposed to be. Honestly, I wanted it to seem very natural and life-like rather than lustrous enough to be able to 'hook' people.

I think it's important to remember that you're still writing a story. Even if you're going for natural and life-like, you still need to win the reader's interest. I sometimes see people do that with dialogue also; they'll try to make it as "real" as possible, with the result that it's as boring as most real dialog between two people. What they actually want is realistic dialogue that sounds real, but still serves its basic purpose of moving the story forward. That's a real skill. So see if you can grab your reader's interest right away without sacrificing the lifelike feel of the story.