Troublemaker 2

[Neilson Black]

Pairs of students were scattered around the classroom working on a history assignment. Mr Parks was at the front marking papers, he was a mid thirties good looking man, the attention to his work showed he got great pleasure from being a teacher. The silver metaled wedding ring on his finger gleaming proudly, kind of showing off he was a happily married young man where his whole life is together. Jamie and Chessie were partnered up, to the far left of the class, looking as though they were working, but instead had a hidden rock music magazine underneath the history papers, scanning hot guys. They got too excited over one guy and their disruptive outburst caused Mr Parks to look up from his work.

"Jamie, Chessie, quiet" Mr Parks said.

The tone in Mr Parks' voice demanded he'd be listened too and his eyes were strong on his targets. Even though he was a younger teacher than most, the way he executed his command showed he could be strong when he needed to be. Jamie and Chessie took it like it was routine, but were straight back to their devious ways reading the magazine, also like routine.

"I can't stand him or History. It's doing my head in" Jamie said.
"I know. It's stupid" Chessie replied.

They flicked in and out of the History assignment just so they wouldn't fail it altogether. The piece was on something to do with Henry the eighth. Then Jamie's Iphone vibrated and she got a message from a friend through Facebook. She opened up her Facebook App and the friend announced there was going to be a "Kick *** party" that weekend. Jamie posted "All bets are off. Boooooom!" on the timeline, and out of nowhere Mr Parks was standing right over them.

"Right, detention you two. Phone, now" Mr Parks said

Jamie wasn't that much of a rebel to challenge Mr Parks in that situation, so she handed the phone over. Mr Parks walked back to his desk, put the phone in his draw and his hawk brown eyes peered at the naughty kids. Jamie and Chessie kept their heads low to the desk, muttering under their breaths when they saw Mr Parks eyes were coast of clear.

"Parasite. I can't stand him" Jamie said.

The silence in the detention room made it seem like something sinister, like something out of a movie, that's how the girls felt. It was so quiet. The clock ticked and every tock seemed like a hundred seconds than one. Jamie and Chessie were sat on either side of the room, this made them feel even more isolated. Mr Parks was at the front in his usual sitting position with the same concentrated but relaxed expression. Jamie felt like her soul was taking a constant hammering because she was forced to be one on one with her History assignment. She could do it, she wasn't dumb, she just hated the subject.

Both of the girls were thrown into amazement when they saw Mr Parks jabbering away at his mobile phone. They looked at each other from across the room, slightly opened mouthed with looks which spoke "Is he taking the piss?!" Plus, Mr Parks seemed excited, shining differently in a way the girls had never seen before. "He's probably texting his perfect young wife what they are cooking for dinner that night and what wine they were going to have with it, stupid perfect boring ****s" Jamie thought. When the texting was done, Mr Parks saw the girls looking at him but darting back to their work at the same time. The girls thought they were going to receive another teachers lecture, but to their surprise Mr Parks wasn't looking at them. Instead he seemed like the one in the guilt, almost hiding behind his sheets of work sheepishly. Jamie and Chessie looked at each other weirdly.

After school, Jamie and Chessie were in their usual hut out in the nearby fields. They were in a fowled mood, still scowling over the detention and the resentment they had towards Mr Parks and the subject History. Jamie was rattling on about how she would love to see Mr Parks fired somehow, where Chessie was coming up with suggestions as to how that could happen, even though both of them knew it was mainly just unbottling the whining. To the girls amazement! They couldn't believe it when they saw a car pull up at a far end of the field, to see Mr Parks and another younger teacher, Mrs English get out of the car, kissing each other rapidly.

"Isn't that Mr Parks?" Chessie said.
"That's Mrs English with her" Jamie replied and both of the girls looked at each other with OMG!
"Oh. My. God. It is" Jamie continued and they both returned to each other with supercharge in their eyes.
"Come on, let's do some messin" Jamie said.

They both ran towards the car, but carefully not to be seen. Mr Parks and Mrs English had bundled into a barn, in the super heat of passion, almost kissing each others face off. Inside the barn Mr Parks and Mrs English fell on a sack of hay and were really going at each other, tearing each others clothes off as they kissed frantically. Jamie and Chessie arrived at the barn door and peered inside, open mouthed.


“Can you believe it? He’s with Mrs English” Chessie said.
“So much for being married” Jamie replied maliciously.
“I know right”

Mrs English was a brunette, skinny, classic featured mid thirties lady. By this time her glasses were off, her skirt and shirt was eighty percent removed, Mr Parks shirt was off and his trousers were coming down. Jamie had removed her Iphone, loading up the camera.

“Oh go on, you read my mind” Chessie said.

Jamie took pictures, so many it was as though she couldn't take enough. By now Mr Parks had entered Mrs English and was thrusting her in a missionary type position against the hay. Jamie’s eyes grew more and more with devilishness as she took more and more pictures.

“There goes History lessons” Jamie said.
“Right place at the right time hey. We’re so lucky” Chessie replied.

Now Mr Parks bent Mrs English further backwards, a hand gripping each of her ankles, slamming her from upright as she moaned whilst lying on her back. Jamie had got enough pictures, the gleam in her eyes were sick like, sick with triumph.

“Mrs English though! She’s a bit stuck up” Chessie said.
“She’s young like him... Or young for people their age!” Jamie replied. Then they both sneaked away from the barn, running through the field elated.

In class, Mr Parks was walking around the room collecting the pairs of students History assignments. When he arrived at Jamie and Chessie, he took the folder of work from the desk, but not noticing the girls staring at him with laughter ready to burst under their breaths. His wedding ring seemed to shine a lot brighter to them on this occasion. When he sat at his desk, he went through the assignments straight away. Jamie and Chessie were like two balloons filling up, the air ready to release at any moment, as they sniggered as quietly as they could. About half an hour later, Mr Parks pulled out a photo of him and Mrs English having sex from Jamie and Chessie’s assignment, his heart sank, but that followed immediately with fiery attention on the girls.

“Jamie, Chessie, outside with me. Now!” Mr Parks shouted.

They girls found it funny so much they were laughing as they left the room. The rest of the students jumped like they never had done before when Mr Parks shouted at the girls, they looked at each other surprised at the side they never thought was in the good looking, love for being a teacher, teacher. Outside the girls stood by the wall and Mr Parks faced them directly.

“Is this some sort of joke?” Mr Parks said.
“No. This is our trade to getting out of History and you giving us an A this term” Jamie replied.
“To the principles office. Now”
“Shut up, you can't do anything. Not if you don't want your wife to find out about this” Jamie continued.
"Yeah" Chessie added.

Jamie held up more pictures of the incident and put them away again quicker. Mr Parks said nothing and his state went neutral. Jamie and Chessie sensed victory when they saw the transformation in him, it seemed they had literally out beaten their teacher!

“Fine. The two of you are excused from History” Mr Parks said.

And that was that, he darted into the room. Then returned a few moments later with the girls bags.

“And if you tell anybody about this, I will have you both expelled. Pictures getting out or not. Got it!”
“Yes” the girls replied simultaneously.

In her room, Jamie layed on her bed texting to her boyfriend Luke. She was excited to be meeting him that day, being Saturday. When she confirmed to meet him at one, she put her phone on the bed and went into a ponder. It seemed like a mission that could only be accomplished in the movies; how she got out of History for the rest of the year, she thought. How she did it, she still didn't know, perhaps she just got lucky, but still patted herself on the back for a job well achieved. A touch of emotion came when she thought about "poor old Mr Parks" and how he must have been feeling. But Jamie's soul was a large degree cold and always thought "In order to get ahead, some people have to get burnt" an attitude which kept her devious ways going, and one day will be her downfall, although she didn't know that yet.

Jamie's mum entered her room and gave Jamie her History exams scores which came through the post. Jamie opened them with a look of expectancy, and what she saw was an "A". She punched the air knowing it was kind of coming like a fixed boxing fight, then texted Chessie the news and got a reply two seconds later that she had got an "A" too.


www.neilsonblackblog.blogspot.co.uk

[108 fountains]

It’s an interesting story with an ending that was not really a twist, but was slightly unexpected in that I was expecting Jamie and Chessie to get some sort of moral lesson, but in fact, they were rewarded for their “bad” behavior.

You might want to go back and do some editing. There were a few grammar mistakes that can be overlooked, but throughout the story, the writing contained phraseology that, while not necessarily wrong, just seemed a bit awkward. Here are some examples:

“Jamie and Chessie kept their heads low to the desk, muttering under their breaths when they saw Mr Parks eyes were coast of clear.” -- I guess what you’re saying is that they muttered under their breath when they saw from Mr. Parks’ eyes that the coast was clear; at least, I guess that’s what you mean.

“The clock ticked and every tock seemed like a hundred seconds than one.” – Do you mean that every tock seemed more like a hundred seconds than one?

“…kissing each other rapidly.” -- I guess people can kiss each other rapidly, but do you mean passionately or hurriedly? “rapidly” just seems like an clumsy choice of words.

“But Jamie's soul was a large degree cold and always thought…” -- Do you mean that Jamie’s soul was cold to a large degree? Was it Jamie or Jamie’s soul that always thought…?

“…the good looking, love for being a teacher, teacher.” “Mr Parks said nothing and his state went neutral.” “…it seemed they had literally out beaten their teacher!” -- There is nothing really wrong grammatically in these phrases, but the diction is just awkward.

A few awkward phrases can be overlooked, but there were so many of these that they drew my attention to the writing style and away from the story itself, and that is something you don’t want to happen. I hope you take this as the constructive criticism it is meant to be.

[Neilson Black]

Hi 108 Fountains,

Thank you for your feedback. I'm glad you picked up on the ending as other people have said that needed work too. They said the story started off well and then the girls got away with their wrong doings too easily. Endings is what I need to work on, I put it down to laziness as my short stories are mainly just a hobby of mine. But thanks for that.

Also thanks for picking up on the grammar and phrases, this feedback is going to make me look into this a lot now. People have said I am a bit dyslexic, which is probably why the grammar seems normal to me. But I shall now look at this.

Love the constructive criticism, I want it to get better as a writer, so keep it coming and thanks for reading.

[108 fountains]

Hi Neilson,

Please understand that I wasn't complaining about the ending, just observing that it was unexpected. At least for me, I enjoy unexpected endings and I would not suggest to anyone to change the basic message they are putting across with any story.

It's interesting that people have told you that you are "a bit dyslexic." If true, it makes me wonder about the brain and how it processes language. As I mentioned, the examples I pointed out were not really incorrect grammatically, and I could understand what you were saying - they just seemed a bit oddly worded.

[DATo]

Hi Neilson,

I admire the way you responded to 108's criticisms. It shows you are genuinely interested in improving your skills. Perhaps something to consider which may prove helpful would be to read your writing aloud when you finish a story. Sometimes actually hearing the words can help one find errors. Just a thought.

Overall I like your writing style and the way you constructed this story. Much like 108 fountains I was expecting more at the ending but if it is any consolation I was recently criticized for a less-than-effective ending on a story I had written as well *LOL* ... so I know the feeling. Something that might have given a jolt to the ending would be if Jamie, after receiving the A, had revisited the teacher and turned over the pictures and offered to accept an F to clear her conscience. Actually, I thought maybe you were going to go in that direction as I was reading it. The story is well-written but the ending just seems to be missing something.

I look forward to reading more of your stories.

EDIT : OK, you know something, my conscience is getting the better of me here. If 108 fountains is in the room I'd like to ask him to chime in on the following. There is a part of me which sees the ending as lame and another part of me that sees it as brilliant. If the idea is to show that the girls have no remorse over what they have done, thus illustrating their ambivalence to the catastrophe which could have resulted from their immature selfishness, then the ending has indeed succeeded. If this had been the thrust of the ending then I might have had them, rather than texting, meet somewhere and make some offhand comments about the A they each received and then turn their attention to plotting a shoplifting mission. This ends the story by informing the reader that they were capable of more evil deeds than just blackmail. An isolated event the reader can excuse as a lapse of judgement but an additional evil deed brands the girls as true "Troublemakers".

[108 fountains]

Hi Neilson, Hi DATo,

Looking at the ending of this again, I think perhaps the disappointment I had with the ending was that the last couple of paragraphs gave mixed signals, rather than a clear picture of the intention/purpose of the piece. It wasn't clear if the 3rd person narrator was condemning what the girls did or excusing their actions on the basis of the idea, "In order to get ahead, some people have to get burnt." The second-to-last paragraph ends with a condemnation of that attitude, but then the last paragraph shows Jamie's celebration of the results of her action.

There are many ways you could make changes, and it's always a good idea to put a story away for a few days (or longer) once you've finished a draft, and sort of let it percolate in your subconscious. New ideas will come - that always happens to me.

But I do see the possibility of one quick fix. You could simply re-arrange the sentences of the last two paragraphs as follows:

In her room, Jamie lied on her bed texting to her boyfriend Luke. She was excited to be meeting him that day, being Saturday. When she confirmed to meet him at one, she put her phone on the bed and went into a ponder. It seemed like a mission that could only be accomplished in the movies; how she got out of History for the rest of the year, she thought. How she did it, she still didn't know, perhaps she just got lucky, but still patted herself on the back for a job well achieved.

Jamie's mum entered her room and gave Jamie her History exams scores which came through the post. Jamie opened them with a look of expectancy, and what she saw was an "A". She punched the air knowing it was kind of coming like a fixed boxing fight, then texted Chessie the news and got a reply two seconds later that she had got an "A" too.

A touch of emotion came when she thought about "poor old Mr Parks" and how he must have been feeling. But Jamie's soul was a large degree cold and always thought "In order to get ahead, some people have to get burnt" an attitude which kept her devious ways going, and one day will be her downfall, although she didn't know that yet.


This at least would end the story with a clear statement. You might come up with other ideas, as well, but actually, I think the story could stand alone pretty well this way.

[Neilson Black]

Hi guys,

Thanks for reading too DATo and commenting. I really am genuinely trying to get better as a writer and the best way to do that is what we are doing now; on websites sharing, not hiding (like I used to do in the really early writing days) so other writers can give feedback. The more feedback the better and I have found it most helpful. I was told to always read aloud my writing before publishing it from another writer, and it has been SO effective and I do it religiously now. I am pleased you like my writing style, I have been writing for a few years now and it is only really recently I feel I have found my style; I can start on any story/project and the style flows out naturally, which is good. My intention with the ending was for the girls to completely get away with their wrong doings. I am making a five part story to "Troublemaker" and the fifth one is where their behavior catches up with them. I really like your suggestion with the shoplifting idea, it could have made the story more concrete to the message it was trying to give. Which moves me onto 108 Fountain's point...

Perhaps that is what was missing; the clear intention and purpose. I appreciate the example you wrote there. Maybe overall the ending just needed to be clearer, and again something to develop for the future. Putting a project aside for a few days sounds like an interesting idea, I was told the more you try to perfect something, the more you will miss, you need to put it aside and then go back to it. That is definitely true, however because my short stories are a hobby, I am so eager to churn them out quickly ;)