Eva

[Hwo Thumb]

I don't usually write poetry, but here is something about space.

Stare into the void,
and it stares back into you.
Your brain cannot comprehend;
it simply misconstrues.

A little bit of fabric
and a simple orb of glass.
are all that separates you
from a fatal lack of gas

The planet's weight leaves you behind;
Nothing holds you safe in place.
Make a tiny slip or trip
and you'll be floating out in space

But leave your fears behind you, friends,
and let your body flow
Don't stop; don't think, just take a breath and

let go.

[YesNo]

I enjoyed it. I think "leave" should be "leaves" in the third stanza but that's a tiny detail. The "a" sound of "safe in place" was nice.

[Hwo Thumb]

Ah, I changed the wording and the conjugation changed with it.

Fixed. Thanks for the feedback.

[Hwo Thumb]

*removed*

[desiresjab]

I don't usually write poetry, but here is something about space.

Stare into the void,
and it stares back into you.
Your brain cannot comprehend;
it simply misconstrues.

A little bit of fabric
and a simple orb of glass.
are all that separates you
from a fatal lack of gas

The planet's weight leaves you behind;
Nothing holds you safe in place.
Make a tiny slip or trip
and you'll be floating out in space

But leave your fears behind you, friends,
and let your body flow
Don't stop; don't think, just take a breath and

let go.


Honestly, the entire first stanza is one big cliche. Poetry strives to find new ways to express old feelings that many others have had and written about.

No offense intended, but only constructive criticism. However, it is back to the drawing board if you want to capture the imaginations of those who are frequently immersed in quality poetry.

The section around here reserved for efforts such as yours, I believe, is the Personal Poetry section. That is where you get hammered on. You should read some serious poetry and see who dents you and how. You have the necessary awe of existence but not yet the awe of language that must translate it.