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View Full Version : First paragraph of my short story: Through the School



dratsab
07-17-2014, 06:06 PM
I can't fit the full short story on here, so if you like the first paragraph, PM me and I will send you the full thing.

What were mere velleities to a large array of the kids in my school, and other schools, and was formerly a velleity to myself would manifest itself today. I woke up in the same bed, in the same position, just like I did every day. It felt like the movie Groundhog’s Day, only not quite as worthy. In reality you have to face the accumulation of disappointments from the previous days tacked on with the unknown new anxieties that new days, new events, new people with new behaviors in new situations would present. Unpredictability is scary. Groundhog’s Day applied to reality would be like a video game, and instead of accumulated disappointments there would only be the accumulation of knowledge and skill. Every day you would be leveling up while your enemies stagnated. You would become a God as long as you had the will to grind it out. I could walk into a library and instead of a depression hitting, with the knowledge that I would never live to read all the beautiful thoughts written by all the notable authors, I could repeat the same actions of walking into the library and reading everything eventually without the distraction of responsibilities. I could safely read the philosophical musings of death without being overcome with the thought that these would one day happen to me. Every time I am faced with an appointment to go to, I always assume this appointment will be the end of the world for me. I read books like they are my last; I make it a race. I don’t even enjoy them; I just stuff the knowledge in my brain like a glutton stuffing his face with food in the fear that he will be pried away from it. Today’s goal I promised to accomplish would be no different… well, in that sense.

nicksherman9
07-22-2014, 10:31 AM
dratsab - I think it's off to a good start. There area parts that I really like a lot and others I feel could use some editing. Comparing each Groundhog's day to leveling up in video games is good and raises some interesting questions. Also, the part about reading a book so fast you don't enjoy it, like a glutton eating food is great. We've all done this and can relate. The last sentence does a good job of leaving you wanting to know what's going to ensue.

As far as critiques, I feel it's a bit too wordy and at times gets a bit preachy. Examples of edits I'd make: Use of the word "velleity" since no one ever really says it. The sentence "Unpredictability is scary" and "Every time I am faced with an appointment to go to, I always assume this appointment will be the end of the world for me." I feel these are both a bit over the top and unnecessary. Taking out some of the fluff will also help with the voice of your character, as at times it doesn't read like a high school kid. You might also want to consider splitting this up into a few smaller paragraphs since there are a lot of ideas here. But, these are fairly easy fixes.

Again, I think you're off to a good start and with some editing, the more interesting parts will really shine. Best of luck.

dratsab
07-25-2014, 02:31 AM
Thanks, I will send the full story to you via PM.

WolfLarsen
07-26-2014, 05:55 PM
It seems like most of the writers on this site are just too good to be best-selling airport novelists.

I'm not saying I'm a big fan of the paragraph I've read. I'm just saying that the writing here is more interesting than most airport novelists. I'm referring to the writing style.

So like the others I just read I'm sorry to say it appears that you will never be a best-selling airport novelist. Sorry.

Decent writing though.

dratsab
07-28-2014, 07:14 PM
I'm having problem deducing exactly what you mean. I'm sensing a touch of sarcasm, but it's subtle, so I could be wrong. Are you criticizing my writing style as trying too hard to be deep, or are you making fun of mass produce novelists, or what? Haha.