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108 fountains
06-16-2014, 08:26 PM
I finished this one about 3-4 months ago and have been making minor adjustments ever since. Aunt Shecky, I think you will appreciate the sentiments, but I hope that won't prevent you from expressing your usual useful constructive criticism. And of course, I welcome any comments, constructive or otherwise, from other LitNetters, as well.


Men of Business

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., glanced in the mirror as he dried his hands with a crisp cloth towel in the marble-and-chrome-fixture restroom. A square jaw, bland features, graying temples, and colorless gray eyes glanced back at him. He raised his head slightly and sniffed. Yes, that was the look he wanted – aloof to the point of detachment, self-assured to the point of condescension. Appearances were not everything, but they were important.

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., walked briskly through the brass and hardwood lobby of the Rockefeller Building on 15th Street NW in Washington, DC. He felt at home in the lobby of this building with its cold, marble floors and distant, vaulted ceiling. It felt like a bank. He glanced dismissively at the receptionist behind the mahogany-paneled desk, a slender, apologetic, balding man in a dark blue uniform with gold epaulettes. Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., hated the receptionist. He had once overheard him laughing with a janitor. “Do you know that the word ‘Rockefeller’ comes from the language of Iceland?” the receptionist had asked. “In Icelandic, hrokafullur means ‘arrogant.’ Ha, ha, ha!” From that moment on, Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., hated the receptionist. One could accuse Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., of many things, but one could not accuse him of having a sense of humor.

He passed through the brass-plated elevator doors and pressed the button for the seventh floor. As he felt the subtle acceleration lifting him higher and higher, he recalled his telephone conversation with his brother-in-law earlier in the morning. The conversation had been quite unpleasant – not for Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., of course – it had been unpleasant for his brother-in-law, Frank Smith, a teacher at a junior college in Annapolis. He had called for advice on refinancing his house.

“I’ve paid on that house for four years, and I still owe nearly as much as when I first took out the loan! How can the banks get away with charging all that interest up front?”

“They are not charging interest up front,” explained Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., in his calm, painstaking, legal manner. “You are paying interest at five per cent per annum, not five percent over the life of the loan. In addition, you are paying to the bank into an escrow account for insurance and for property tax. Your payments are…”

“I know all that. They told me. But I still don’t understand how I could have paid all that money over the past four years, but have so little of it applied to principal. Explain that to me!”

“That is what I was attempting to do,” replied Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., in his calm, painstaking, legal manner. “In the first year, you would have paid off approximately one percent of the principal. In succeeding years…”

“It’s a thirty-year loan,” interrupted Frank. “One hundred percent divided by thirty is three and a third percent. That’s how much principal I should have paid in the first year.”

“My dear Frank, it is simply a matter of mathematics – mathematics and amortization…”

“Never mind. Never mind. I should have known better than to ask a lawyer,” and Frank hung up the phone.

The recollection of his brother-in-law’s impudence momentarily appalled Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq. “Idiot!” he muttered to himself as the elevator door opened.

He emerged into an elegant corridor and checked his watch before entering the conference room – 1:56 p.m. “Four minutes early,” he thought to himself and frowned. He would have to engage in banter and small talk with the other board members until the Chairman entered the room, and he hated banter and small talk, and he hated the other board members.

Several grave looking men in dark gray pinstripe suits were seated around an elliptical ebony table inlaid with a narrow fillet of zebrawood. Two or three others were standing, bending towards their seated counterparts, speaking in low murmurs and pointing to characters on spreadsheets they held in their hands. Some of the men looked up toward Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., and nodded acknowledgment of his presence before resuming their muted conversations. Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., returned their nods with a smile. He had read or heard somewhere that the human smile had evolved from lower primates eons ago who smiled as a way of baring their teeth in a defensive or semi-threatening manner. The smile he bestowed on the board was of that sort – defensive and semi-threatening.

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., began walking toward his accustomed seat at the end of the table across and furthest from the Chairman when a muscular man wearing khakis and a green polo shirt, who had been standing near the large bay window, sauntered up to him and put a friendly hand on his shoulder. “Moony! Just in time, as usual!”

The man was Mike McConnell, a retired Air Force colonel and newest member of the Board. Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., took a step back away from the Colonel’s touch and bared his teeth – smiled. He glanced at the green polo shirt and said, “Golf?”

“Just coming from,” replied Colonel McConnell casually.

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., sniffed and said, “Ah, I thought so.”

The Colonel touched Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., on his elbow, bent his head familiarly, and spoke in a more serious, confidential tone. “Mooney, after the meeting, I’d like to speak with you a few minutes. Jenner and I both want to speak with you.”

Jenner was the name of the Chairman. He was also the Chief Executive Officer. Had the Colonel been a man of keener eye, he would have noticed the almost imperceptible raising of the brow of Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., at his invoking Jenner’s name, as if to say, “Jenner speaks with you?”

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., respected Jenner. Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., sat on the Board of Directors of six companies, but Jenner was the only Chairman he respected. Jenner recognized that power is the ultimate goal, Jenner understood that money is the machinery that leads to power, and Jenner knew that profits are the fuel and influence is the oil for the machinery. Jenner had been Chief Executive Officer for eleven years, and in that time he had built his company into an enormous empire that wielded more power than most nation-states. And Jenner presided with skill, ruthlessness, and unlimited ambition – all qualities that Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., admired.

On the other hand, Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., believed Colonel McConnell was entirely wrapped up in money. Wealth to the Colonel was the end and means to itself. As a consequence, Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., despised the Colonel for his shallowness. He acknowledged, however, that the Colonel had excellent connections at the Pentagon. As such, he could be useful, but he could never be powerful – or even influential. Furthermore, he wore polo shirts and smelled of the outdoors.

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., bared his teeth and breathed, “I am available. I have no place else to go.”

“Ha, ha! Mooney!” cried the Colonel. “You are an original! A prodigy, I swear!” and he made a move as if he were about to clap Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., on the shoulder, but he refrained when he saw his interlocutor’s half-threatening smile. Instead, he took a half-step back and said with uncharacteristic reserve, “It will take only five minutes.”

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., took his chair. When he joined the board, he had been offered the seat just to the right of Jenner, but he had demurred. Appearances were important, but they were not everything. He preferred sitting directly across from the Chairman. From his position, he was able to see every movement of Jenner’s eye, no matter how fleeting, every slight inclination of his head, and every twitch of his mouth. And he could watch every other face around the table react to Jenner. And he knew Jenner watched him, too. He could send a furtive signal to Jenner by rubbing his chin, by shifting in his seat, or by simply casting his eyes downward or upward.

Jenner entered the room, crisp and stiff, like a newly printed banknote. The members of the board who were seated stood up. Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., remained seated. Jenner slid into his chair softly, scanned the room, and said, “Good afternoon, gentlemen.”

With that, he bid the secretary read an abridged version of the previous meeting’s minutes. Then Jenner requested a briefing from the Director of Human Resources on progress made in the past month on contemplated personnel modifications.

“As you know,” began the Director, “improvements in productivity from increased use of robotics, 3-D printing, and other efficiencies have made it necessary to adjust the workforce in several of our manufacturing facilities. The Board last month approved our plan for a four percent reduction in force across the board. Here you will see,” he said, handing out copies of a one-page document, “our implementation plan. While some of the specific adjustments will be determined at the local plant level, the overall consolidation numbers have been determined at the central level. The plant in Shreveport will lose 1500 workers, the plant in Sterling Heights will lose 600 workers, and the new facility in Beaumont-Port Arthur will gain 320 positions. Three hundred of the new positions will be on the 2nd and 3rd shifts to facilitate round-the-clock work on the Hummingbird Program, once we receive authorization to begin. As you can see, the cost of labor in Beaumont is much less than in Michigan, due to the absence of organized labor in Texas. In addition, the corporate tax rate in Texas is favorable, and there are other political factors involved, of which you are all aware.”

“Please take a moment to look over the figures, gentlemen,” said Jenner. “Most of you have already been made aware of the general outlines of the plan.” After a few moments, during which Jenner glanced at Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., who signaled his approval by a steady gaze accompanied by a nearly imperceptible movement of the head, Jenner resumed. “Are there any questions before we vote?”

“Yes, I have a question.” This came from a tall, grey-haired man in a black suit wearing reading glasses sitting fourth down from the Chairman’s right. He had a scholarly appearance like that of a university professor. Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., hated him.

“You are recognized, Mr. Johnson.”

“Thank you,” said Mr. Johnson. “I’d like to ask if any of the laid-off employees will be given the option to relocate to the Beaumont plant.”

“If I may?” inquired the Director of Human Resources.

“Please,” Jenner replied with a smile that had something of the lower primate in it – similar to the smile of Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq.

“Yes,” resumed the Director. “For any employee at either the Shreveport or Sterling Heights facility, we will offer employment in Beaumont, with company-subsidized moving expenses, but only for positions involving similar tasks and responsibilities. We expect a handful of workers at the Shreveport plant to relocate, but probably none from Sterling Heights, because of the distance involved and the fact that they would have to accept a reduction in pay.”

“Any other questions?” inquired Jenner after a pause.

“Then I will move that the secretary record that the Board unanimously approves the consolidation plan.” He did not actually call a vote.

”Next on the agenda is Board compensation, an issue that I know is important to all of you.” Here the entire assembly smiled, each in their own way – some with a snarl similar to Jenner’s and to that of Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., some with a smirk, some with wide grins, and some with just the slightest curl to the lip. Colonel McConnell laughed outright.

“As you know,” continued Jenner, “after the new tax law passed, we considered several options – stock options and options to purchase tax-exempt bonds among them. In the end, we took Theomund’s suggestion, and I am pleased to report that our legal department has reviewed and accepted the plan, and it begins immediately.”

The members applauded politely and nodded approvingly at Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq. Colonel McConnell even volunteered a “Hear, hear!”

As the applause seemed to call for an acknowledgment, Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., waved his hand benignly and smiled, “It was simply a matter of mathematics, gentlemen. The simplest solutions are always best. If the government raises taxes on personal income by two percent, then we simply increase our remuneration by five percent. A matter of mathematics, gentlemen, simply a matter of mathematics.”

Jenner observed Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., with an element of admiration. He appreciated Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq.’s ability to cut to the heart of any matter and the cold, brutal manner in which he made the cut. For all that, however, Jenner felt that Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., was incomplete. He was calculating, rational, merciless, and highly intelligent. Not only could he reduce integers to their prime factors, but he could also solve simultaneous and differential equations. Still, he solved them with substitution, elimination and logic. His comprehension encompassed the limits of calculus, but it did not extend to chaos theory, irrational numbers, or the uncertainty principle. Jenner felt that Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., did not fully appreciate the nuances that accompany complexity, that he did not fully comprehend the chaotic, irrational and uncertain character of human nature. Jenner considered Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., the perfect lawyer, the perfect accountant, or the perfect surgeon, but to be fully successful – to come out ultimately on top of the heap – one must be the perfect politician. One needed to be able to read people, to be able to distinguish subtle inconsistencies of character and exploit vulnerabilities and hesitation. Jenner judged Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., to be somewhat deficient in these skills.

The remainder of the session dealt with mundane matters. The meeting concluded in less than thirty minutes. When Jenner stood up, so did the members around the table. They filtered, mutely and translucently, singly and in pairs, out of the room. Jenner moved over to the large bay window, and Colonel McConnell joined him there, touching his elbow in a manner both familiar and supplicating. Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., glided leisurely over to the window to join his associates. As he did, he noticed down at the street level several persons on the opposite sidewalk walking south on 15th Street carrying American flags and dressed in casual, outdoor attire.

“Theomond, thank you for staying,” said Jenner. “I’ve been in discussions with Colonel McConnell about the obstacles we are still facing with the Hummingbird Program.”

“Representative Gray again?” Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., asked. Representative Gray was the Chairman of the House Armed Services Committee.

“Ah, yes, our own Representative Gray,” said Colonel McConnell. “Dear Representative Gray. The incorruptible Representative Gray.”

“The honest Representative Gray,” corrected Jenner. “Honesty is not the same as incorruptibility.”

“In any case,” continued Jenner, “the Colonel has discovered that the impediments are originating with General Harrison.”

“The Air Force Chief of Staff,” stated Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq. “Yes, I know the General.”

“He has been suggesting to the Committee that the new planes will be too expensive,” said Jenner, “and that our new technology to enable fighter aircraft to hover in one spot would have limited utility.”

“Hard to believe a former pilot could talk like that, but it’s true,” interjected Colonel McConnell.

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., observed Colonel McConnell rather coolly, sniffed, and then looked back at Jenner.

“I’ve discussed the matter personally with Representative Gray twice,” said Jenner. “He’s told me that the loss of even a single aircraft, at the price the government is paying for them, would be an unacceptable cost to the American taxpayer. He said for that reason, the Air Force would be reluctant to deploy the new fighters. His message was that if the planes are too expensive to use, then what good are they? Coming from Gray, I expected we would be able to prevail – he barely won his district in the last election – and we have some influence with the local press, but if this is the attitude of the Pentagon, then the matter is more serious.”

“Yes, I understand,” said Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq. He paused in contemplation and looked out the window. Several more people were walking south on 15th Street, more than usual for a Thursday mid-afternoon, many carrying placards and signs, in addition to those carrying flags. “In fact, it seems to me that General Harrison has an interesting point.”

Colonel McConnell looked out the window and down at the sidewalk, as well. “What point?” he asked, exasperated. “A fighter jet with the ability to come to a complete stop and hover in one spot would increase its maneuverability by an order of magnitude.”

“Yes, but is it necessary? Does it solve a need?” mused Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., in his calm, painstaking, legal manner. “Common sense and logic ask the question – is it, in fact, worth the cost?”

“If the technology is available,” replied Colonel McConnell, “then we need it. We need to deploy it. When it comes to the superiority of our Air Force, capability is tantamount. Necessity and cost is secondary. Common sense and logic be damned!”

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., smiled. Then, nodding towards the window, he asked, “What’s that all about outside – a demonstration?”

“The point is,” interrupted Jenner, “we spent millions developing the technology, millions more in developing engineering and manufacturing capacity. Now, with the new plant nearly completed, the Pentagon does an about-face and Congressional approval is less than certain.”

“We stand to make huge profits once we get Congressional approval,” added Colonel McConnell. “I can smell the bonuses. It’s good for us, good for the Air Force, and good for the United States of America, I swear!”

“I’ve spoken to Senator Diaz of Texas,” continued Jenner. “He’s fully on board. Those 320 new jobs were music to his ears. Gray is from Louisiana’s 7th District, just across the border from our new facilities in Beaumont. The handful of new jobs for people in his district means more to him than the loss of jobs in Shreveport.”

“We are job creators, after all,” interjected Colonel McConnell.

“I’m convinced that if left to his own devices, Gray would recommend approval,” continued Jenner. “But now we know that it’s the Pentagon – the Joint Chiefs – General Harrison – that is standing in the way.”

“What can I do to help?” asked Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq.

“I’ve set up a meeting on the 14th with the Joint Chiefs,” said Jenner. “The Chairman, the Vice-Chairman, and Harrison, the Air Force Chief. I’d like you to be there. I’m also arranging separate lunches with Secretary of the Air Force Garcia and with Deputy Secretary of Defense Martin. I want you to be at those lunches, too. I can talk about the technology, the business, and the matters of politics that they will relate to. But they will want to hear about the numbers too – the cold figures – and they may have questions best addressed by a lawyer. Can I count on you?”

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., smiled – his defensive, semi-threatening smile. “Cold figures? Numbers are malleable, like heated gold. One can forge them into any shape one wants.”

“Ha, ha! Mooney!” cried the Colonel. He made a move to as if to clap on the shoulder, but then thought better of it, satisfying himself by exclaiming, “You are an original! A prodigy, I swear!”

“But why me?” asked Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., ignoring the Colonel. “Surely, your Chief Financial Officer knows the details on the numbers better than I do, and the company’s legal counsel…”

Jenner cut short the comment with a nearly imperceptible sideways movement of his eye. He was reluctant to say more in front of the Colonel. “You know the numbers as well as anybody,” he said. “And your position as an outside consultant is useful. I may have to say certain things – make certain promises – that I prefer the company’s legal counsel not to hear.”

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq. bent his head slightly to signal that he understood and agreed. He was somewhat annoyed with himself for his lack of perspicacity in front of the Colonel.

“Mike, I’m afraid you’ll have to sit out of these meetings,” said Jenner, turning to his military associate. “You’ve been invaluable to our effort, but a retired Colonel just won’t make the cut for the next steps to be taken. You understand, of course.”

“I can take orders as well as give them,” replied the Colonel rubbing his hands, “especially when we are making money.”

Jenner turned and joined his interlocutors in gazing out the window. He was pleased that Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., had acquiesced to his request. Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., was not always an easy man to read, and Jenner had not been entirely sure if he would consent to participate in the high-level meetings. “My secretary will be in touch with your office,” he said.

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq. inclined his head once more.

“Ah, capitalism!” laughed Colonel McConnell. “What a wonderful system!”

Outside on the sidewalk, a continuous stream of pedestrians flowed southward. Some of them carried signs, but the observers on the seventh floor could not see clearly what was written on them.

“What are they protesting about, anyway?” Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., asked indifferently, glad that the business of the day was over.

“The new tax law,” replied the Colonel. “They’re going to the White House to protest the new tax increases.”

“But the new tax increases only apply to personal income above two million dollars,” said Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., somewhat bemused. He sniffed and peered more intently out the window. There were old and middle-aged men, some with scruffy beards and many with beer-bellies, wearing shorts and t-shirts and tennis shoes with white socks pulled up over their calves almost to their knees. There were younger men wearing baseball caps and bandanas. There were gray-headed old ladies, and there were women who looked like middle-aged housewives. “None of those people look like they have incomes of over two million dollars.” And under his breath he added, almost inaudibly, “Idiots!”

“What’s that?” asked Colonel McConnell. “Patriots? You called them patriots? Ha, ha! Mooney!” cried the Colonel. “You are an original! A prodigy, I swear! Well, patriots they are, after all. God bless ‘em. And God bless America!” And he clapped Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., on the shoulder with great familiarity and enthusiasm.

Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., took a step backward, appalled momentarily at the Colonel’s impudence. Then he regained his composure, sniffed, looked at the Colonel, looked at Jenner, and back out the window to the people below.

Jenner studied both men carefully. He had heard the misunderstanding. He watched the Colonel look rather wistfully at the demonstrators below and could read his thoughts plainly. Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq., on the other hand, was a different beast altogether. Jenner could never be sure what the lawyer was thinking. Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq. smiled as he looked out the window, and as he smiled, Jenner wondered at whom that smile was directed against.

AuntShecky
06-17-2014, 06:00 PM
You do realize, of course, that making fun of the ruling class is not exactly breaking new ground. There have many British and American works that do to the upper crust what Babbitt did to the middle class: three that immediately come to mind are The Late George Apley, the play and film of Dinner at Eight, even Jim Backus's "iconic" portrayal of Thurston Howell III on Gilligan's Island. Even so, the self-styled "Elites" are ripe for satire. They have it coming to 'em -- you know it, I know it, and the American people know it.

So, it wouldn't be precisely true to say that I didn't enjoy this story. On the other hand, I was a bit disappointed in it. My first impression is that it reads like an early draft. In any event, the story could use some hefty polishing.

First of all, the piece is much too lengthy. Remember the adage, "Brevity is the soul of wit." Some of the jokes drag on a bit too long, even for "running" jokes such as the simian origin of the human smile. I want to say that the constant repetition of the name Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq. gets old quickly,with one exception. When it's juxtaposed against the short-and-sweet name of his brother-in-law, a "lowly" college teacher named Frank Smith, it was subtle and dry but funny. You don't want to overdo a good thing, though.

To borrow an analogy from my favorite baseball announcing team, I say you should give this story the "Archie Bell and the Drells" treatment--"tighten up."

Ditch the first paragraph. We can deduce what Theomund(etc.) looks like without his looking at his reflection (which is itself a clichéd device to provide the character's physical appearance.) There are more description and details than we need. For instance, the building receptionist appears in the piece merely to voice a one-liner (albeit a damn good one), but why take up valuable space telling us that this minor character is "a slender, apologetic, balding man in a dark blue uniform"? In that same vein, we read an account of the office decor as if it came out of an interior decorator's playbook: "elliptical ebody table inlaid with narrow fillet of zebrawood." I know that we writers want to escape the humdrum and mundane --"it was a wooden table" -- but there should be a balance between the commonplace and the over-specialized description.

And when you're describing something with several appositives and the like, it's difficult to avoid the pitfalls of the dangling participle (aka "misplaced modifier"):

Several persons on the opposite sidewalk walking south on 15th Street carrying American flags and dressed in casual outdoor attire.
The sidewalk isn't doing the walking and 15th Street isn't carrying flags. Try this: "Several casually-dressed people were carrying American flag while they walked south on 15th Street."

Even though much of the piece suffers from too much description, that scene^ --in a way the most interesting part of the story -- could use more elaboration. We're told that these folks are protesting the income tax hike, even though the increase won't affect them, since, as Theomond (etc.) remarks that they don't look like they earn 2 mil. a year. So what are they really protesting --that the rate isn't high enough? Or is it the (true-in-reality) phenomenon of middle class people voting against their own interests, as astutely explained by Thomas Franks in his book, What's the Matter With Kansas? You really should clarify this in the rewrite; as it stands, it doesn't work as a joke and just confuses the reader, this one at least.

And it must be an intended joke that Theomund has lousy math skills, re: his non-answer to Frank Smith about the mortgage and especially the issue of compensation for the board. "If the government raises personal income by two percent, then we simply increase our renumeration by five percent." I'm not a financier (which you may have guessed) but I don't get this. Doesn't the government levy a tax on total gross income? It doesn't matter if you increase your salary by 5, 10, or 100 percent. Don't the rich hide their filthy lucre in tax shelters or secretly stash it in offshore islands or Swiss bank accounts? Again, this could be funny, but it's still a little confusing. (If you have to explain a joke, it don't work.)

Finally, good for you for attempting to lampoon an archtype that truly deserves skewering. We don't see the rich satirized often enough, perhaps because many folks (Americans anyway) are deluded and unrealistically "aspirational." A rich guy can be just as much a damn fool and an "idiot" as a poor guy. The thing about cutting the rich down to size is that you don't have to use a sledgehammer. A scalpel is even better.

Keep writin'.

Auntie

DATo
06-18-2014, 05:06 AM
Greetings 108 !

You subtly captured the essential elements of Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq.'s persona in many clever ways; from the description of the manner in which he regarded himself, and the way in which he wanted to be perceived by the world in the second paragraph, to the analytic crispness of his mind which was evident throughout the story, to the animosity and contempt with which he regarded those of inferior intellect. As I was reading this story the image of Secretary Swenson - the cold and calculating secretary of defense in Burdick and Wheeler's 'Fail-Safe' - came to mind.

I must disagree with Aunt Shecky on the charge that much of the description(s) could and should be watered down. It is a matter of taste, and I do not claim to be right, but I prefer colorful background description as long as it is complementary to the story or the ideas/emotions/mood it is attempting to evoke in the reader. This is what brings flavor and texture to a story and, as you have clearly shown, can also be implemented for metaphorical associations ...

He felt at home in the lobby of this building with its cold, marble floors and distant, vaulted ceiling.

... this is not only a description of the main character's present environment, but one of the man himself. It is not important that we know that the floor be marble or the ceiling vaulted and distant but the four words "He felt at home ..." give this description an entirely new association to the main character. Description often says more than the literal meaning of the words.

"a slender, apologetic, balding man in a dark blue uniform" - Servility ... unthreatening ... mundane ... common ... dismissive

"elliptical ebo[n]y table inlaid with narrow fillet of zebrawood." - Richness ... power ... elegance ... decadence

"... he felt the subtle acceleration lifting him higher and higher." - Elevator, ASCENDING to the rarified heights of wealth and power.

I think you use the descriptive device very well and intuitively 108. I wouldn't change a thing. Your writing is crisp, clear and to the point (Aunt Shecky's well-intended and insightful critique notwithstanding) without resort to flowery, ostentatious or pretentious wording (my personal pet peeve). I also liked, and understood, why you used the main character's full name constantly - well done! You may remember that I did something similar in Werewolf and The Wisdom Of Herr Hoffmann with regard to the main character. I also liked the reoccurring motif of the "smile" in all of its aspects and shaded meanings.

The last sentence leaves us with something to ponder regarding Theomund Jessup Edric-Moony, Esq.'s future disposition with regard to the project. Nice!

108 fountains
06-19-2014, 10:31 AM
Thanks Aunty and DATo for reading and taking the time to comment. One of the things I like about this Forum is seeing how different people react to different aspects of any story. Another thing I like is that I can always find good constructive criticism that I just couldn’t get if I relied on family or friends.

Thanks for your kind words DATo. It’s really nice to see you picked out some of the passages that I liked most myself for the very reasons you stated. Auntie, you also zeroed in on a couple of things that I was really unsure of – the repetition of the full name and the possible overuse of the threatening smile. I never can be sure, when I attempt to use devices like that, how readers will react to them. In fact, I’ve done a lot of revisions to shorten this piece already, but agree that it still needs some more cutting and some more work.

In the original draft, I had a long explanation from Theomund to his brother-in-law about how mortgages and amortization work, but I cut almost all of that out. It wasn’t intended to be funny or to show poor math skills on the part of Theomund; in fact, the intention was to show that Theomund knew all this stuff, but it seems I failed in conveying that message, so I’ll need to look at that part again. I’m tempted to just cut out that entire part of the story. (I used to think the same way as Frank Smith until someone explained it to me.) Similarly, I should go back to make it clear that the protesters were protesting against tax increase for the rich, which is why Theomund called them “idiots.”

I was also worried that I went into too much detail on Jenner’s air defense company’s workforce reduction program and the company’s “Hummingbird Program” – my original draft had even more details, which I cut out. Also, my original draft did not include Colonel McConnell, but I added him in since it seemed the story needed some lighter moments. I do think he adds some comedy, and some of his comments I think really show a certain way of thinking, but I am worried that I may have made him out to be too much of a fool.

In any case, thanks again for reading and sharing your reactions.