Recorded Death

[Lykren]

Beauty keeps a subtle life.
The mountains burn
and the sky is faint
with smoke.
Red joy, amber softness
gleam in the window.
You can do many things
alone, however,
I have never escaped
what knowledge there is
to escape.
Red joy, amber softness
glow in the window.

[Lykren]

Tweaked this one, but I still don't like it. Oh well.

Beauty keeps a subtle life.
The mountains burn
and the sky is faint
with smoke.
Red joy, amber softness
gleam in the window.
You can do many things alone.
But I have never escaped
what knowledge there is.
Red joy, amber softness
move inside the window.

[virtuoso]

I think that "Beauty has but subtle life" would be better. Also, the lines "You can do many things alone.
But I have never escaped" are awkward. I have a sample poem for you.


Beauty has but subtle life
mountains fade into the mist
and the burning sky's
last ember smokes
red joy, amber softness
stream through my pane
as the day's last shadows
enfilade my teetering mind