The Trophy Wife - Part 1

[Juve Alves]

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[Juve Alves]

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[108 fountains]

I enjoyed both these stories – “Jack and Molly” and “The Trophy Wife.” I liked the sentiments expressed and the optimistic, sentimental outlook. There are several areas, however, where the storyline is not entirely believable, where the dialogue seems a bit stilted, and where word choice could be improved.

Here are a few examples of what I mean:

In “The Trophy Wife,” it just seems hard to believe that neither of Melissa’s grandparents knows how to drive a car (or that their fear of flying would prevent them from taking a short plane ride to the next state to attend their granddaughter’s wedding). But even if you accept that premise, then why wouldn’t Melissa’s parents offer to drive them to the wedding? It just doesn’t make sense to me, and since this is a major part of the story, it seems to me that it’s also a major flaw.

Also, the title, “The Trophy Wife” just does not fit at all. If I understand the term correctly, “Trophy Wife” is a pejorative term to describe a young, pretty girl taken as a wife by a husband as a “trophy,” and where there are no feelings of love involved. This is exactly the opposite of the relationship described in the story.

"Tyler, my granddaughter really loves you. I have always wanted the best for her. Spending time with you these past couple of days, has convinced me hat you are a wonderful man. It is a pleasure to have you in our family, son" stated Mr. Gillespie as he touched Tyler's cheek.

-- While there is nothing technically wrong with the speech above, it just does not come across to me as natural. This is just one example; there are other places in this story and in “Jack and Molly” where the dialogue seems a bit artificial.

In “Jack and Molly,” a story that contains angels, I am willing to concede the existence of angels for the sake of the story, but it is a little hard to believe that a high school kid would befriend a homeless guy who sleeps next to a dumpster outside a fast food restaurant, and it’s even harder to believe that Jack distributed cupcakes with candles on them to all the spectators at a high school football game and that all of them obediently lighted their candles at his prompting – these are sweet sentiments, but they just don’t seem credible.

My comments above are meant as constructive criticism. There is also much to like about both the stories. I liked the circular storyline in “Jack and Molly” and I really enjoyed the part where Jack opened the notebooks left by David that contained his (David’s) obituary. I like the romance and the optimism of both stories.

I think you’ve have made a good start in your writing efforts and encourage you to continue. At the same time, I’ll advise you to read a lot, and study what you read, especially how great authors use realistic and compelling dialogue. When you write, draw on your own life experiences and put yourself in the place of your characters, and always re-write and try to make every sentence your best.

[AuntShecky]

I would advise brushing up on the basics, such as keeping verb tenses consistent, rather than shifting from past to present tense. Also, proofread. Quotation marks are missing in portions of the dialogue. The ellipsis (. . .) has a special use and that is to indicate that words or phrases have been deliberately omitted.

Avoid overfamiliar, hackneyed, and pedestrian situations, as well as clichéd phrases.

If you need a quick refresher on punctuation, click here. (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?56601-Auntie-s-Down-and-Dirty-Punctuation-Guide)