Underwater

[Lykren]

My grasp this morning
was not so good. It trembled.
The sky sunk hollow caverns
into my ears, my skull.
Mistlike, dawn preceded
consciousness; although
I desired to forget,
desired to return,
the gates had closed
behind me.

Separate gleams of intelligence
through the night had shone
on me. Now I had no secrets
to consider. All was still:

still singing, still burning,
still staggering through gardens,
still swept through the stream.

Music played its part,
creaking. I strummed
the guitar, awkwardly.
I turned to face the wall,
the rain repeating itself
from the evening before,
the dry house remaining so.

So. You kept your purpose.
Through the dense lilacs you leapt,
in minds like mine your vulgar pose
keeps fresh, returning
to Spring and to Spring and to Spring.

[blank|verse]

Gimme an L – Gimme a Y… :)

An engaging, evocative poem, Lykren, which contains the usual blend of memorable imagery and skilful use of language, with several plays on words, if you will, using homonyms to check the reader into reconsidering meaning, which is reinforced formally through the noticeable use of rhythm and repetition.

The title is intriguing – why ‘Underwater’? The reader might be left wondering, as the poem’s narrative doesn’t appear to be set there; maybe this is metaphorical, and one could speculate about similarities between the kind of half-waking drowsiness and the sense of being submerged in half-sleep.

There are interesting allusions to Orpheus in the underworld and the myth of Persephone and Demeter.

Personally, I find the opening two lines a bit weak and ‘telling’. I wonder if cutting straight to the stronger image later in the stanza would be more effective:

Dawn preceded
consciousness; the sky
sunk hollow caverns
into my ears, my skull.
I desired to forget,
desired to return,
but the gates had closed
behind me.

If I’m honest, there are a few parts which I don’t think work as well as they could, the ‘still’ section being one of them; the first two sentences of the fourth stanza also. (But I did enjoy ‘the rain repeating itself’.) And this sentence seems awkwardly constructed:

Separate gleams of intelligence
through the night had shone
on me.

not helped by the repetition of the ‘on’ morpheme: ‘shone | on’. The last line reminds me of Larkin’s ‘The Trees’ (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do?poemId=7109):

Last year is dead, they seem to say,
Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.

So overall, perhaps it’s not my favourite of yours – although your style is generally oblique, maybe greater clarity here would have helped the poem have greater impact – but a skilfully written poem nonetheless.

[Lykren]

Hey blank|verse,

sorry about the delay. Thanks again for your thoughtful commentary. This one was composed in an even more rushed and distracted manner than is usual for me, and as you noticed, it shows. I will probably try and trim it down a little (though I probably won't post the end result).

You correctly note that obliqueness is my modus operandi, and also that I went a little overboard on it here - in the title, for instance, and in the third stanza. Again, thanks so much for your careful attention!

(p.s. Another poem coming in a moment - I'd say I'm pleased with this one, but I always am immediately after writing one, though that feeling rarely lasts. So we'll see.)

[Delta40]

I hate reading a thoughtful response in case it changes how the poem affected me. Still, one should read them...

Having said that it's really the essence of your poem and its uniqueness that moves the reader. Anything else is just suggestions on how your work might shine even more by valued critics.

So keep shining!