Annabel

[DieterM]

Annabel, your dreams,
fickle friends of old,
ne’er come back,
ne’er came true.
Annabel, your life
reminds you of a flower
you’d examine
through the glass shade
of your mother’s
leaded lamp.
Annabel, your hopes
evaporated
in the fragile thread of smoke
arising from the wick
of your extinguished candle
in the parlour, and you chase it
with your hand, the way
you’d chase an irritating fly,
while the kettle whistles
a Cole-Porter-tune.
Annabel, your days
fade away while you
keep writhing on your
blood red armchair,
wishing there’d been more,
wishing you’d been
someone else but
Annabel.

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter. Not sure about the related use of the name. I think the poem would flow better without it. I'm also dubious about the overly 'poetic' use of ne'er and the tense change in the succeeding lines 'come' and 'came.' Although I accept how you are using them contextually it does jar a bit. in fact I think it would make more sense to say, "never came back, never come true".

"in the parlour, and you chase it
with your hand the way
you’d chase an irritating fly
while the kettle whistles
a Cole-Porter-tune."

you need to delimit the subordinate clause with commas and you could probably use a line break after "parlour"

"your days
fade away while you, you need to shift this comma to come after "away" or you could just leave it out
keep writhing on your
blood red armchair, /need a comma here
wishing there’d been more, /and here
whishing you’d been /typo.
someone else"

I'd be inclined to leave out the last Annabel if you decide to cut all the others. I don't think you really need them - the title is enough. It wouldn't do any harm to divide this piece into stanzas.

That said I really like the poem. Great imagery and flow (but better when revised).

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Some really nice moments, D, love this:

your life
reminds you of a flower
you’d examine
through the glass shade
of your mother’s
leaded lamp.

I think maybe an extinguishing candle?

[DieterM]

thank you for commenting, I shall come back to this poem sometime later. I like to treat my poetry as if I had been pouring good red wine: the lines need to decant a bit before I can enjoy them to ehri full extent (or, if need be, modify them). But of course, I'm very thankful for your comma- and typo-advice, dear Hawkman; this cannot wait. Hope to be able to offer you a revised version soon. :-)

[YesNo]

I wasn't sure if Annabelle was dead or not. It seems like she is just disappointed in her life. However, this sounds more like a view of someone looking at someone else called Annabelle, not Annabelle's own view of herself.

[prendrelemick]

Good stuff Dieter, and a theme that is universal and ageless.


Best of all I liked your, a poem is like a good red wine, simile

[Jerrybaldy]

Hey Dieter. Lots to like here but I was also struck by the repeating of the name and the use of ne'er. With the name I think that style works better in song but adds little to a poem.
Cheers
JB