Troubador
05-05-2014, 01:16 AM
Corsica (working title)
It’s a beautiful day in the sovereign state of Manhattan in the year eighteen of the third era. Manhattan has taken over New York and Pennsylvania and is working on the assimilation of the two states. A young man walks towards Fifty-seventh on Baxter during the midday rush. This man is in his mid twenties with short dark hair and bright green eyes. His smile is very charming with a touch of mischief. Dressed in a gray, three-piece, slim, fitted Versace, he reaches into his pocket for his silver pocket watch to check the time. “It’s almost three. I’ll be there a little earlier than I expected.” The young man walks into a building on the corner of Fifty-second and Baxter and strolls up to the receptionist.
“May I have your name, sir?” the receptionist inquired. He notices the stack of paper on her right. She is behind in her work.
“Daniel Corsica. Here to meet a Mr. Jack Mallard,” the young man replied. Daniel notices her shirt is untucked on her left side. She left her home hurriedly and didn’t see it.
“Of course,” she said. “He’s waiting for you. Take the lift to the twenty third floor and someone will bring you to him.” Her nametag says Wendy.
“Thank you Wendy,” Daniel replied graciously. There is a faint lipstick mark on her neck under her chin, but she has no ring on her finger. Either she is a lesbian or her boyfriend is very effeminate. Daniel couldn’t worry about Wendy’s affairs right now though; he needed to get to Mr. Mallard, so he sauntered off to the lift
Upon reaching it, he pressed the call button and waited a minute and twenty-four seconds for it to come from the top floor. He was only going half way up at the twenty-third. When the doors slid open, a monster of a man appeared and stepped out of the lift. He took one look at Daniel, scowled, and walked out the front door. The man intrigued Daniel so he a made a mental note to ask Mr. Mallard about him when he got up there. Daniel stepped in to the grayscale lift and hit the button for the twenty-third floor.
“HOLD THE DOOR, PLEASE!!”
Daniel slid his arm between the doors right before they closed and let the person in the car. The very loud individual was a woman, blond hair, blue eyes and two armfuls of files and paperwork. Her glasses were slightly askew and her hair was a little frazzled but Daniel couldn’t help noticing how incredibly attractive she was under the halogen lighting.
“Thank you for holding the door for me. My name is Alice.”
Daniel, realizing he was staring, gave his head a little shake and smiled his mischievous grin. “Where are my manners. Daniel Corsica, at your service.” He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it lightly. She has no ring. Alice giggled. Daniel just kept smiling, thinking of the all the different places he could take her out to later this week. “What floor are you going to Alice?”
“Twenty three” she said. The doors closed.
Daniel beamed. “What a coincidence. That’s the same floor I’m going to. If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly should I expect up there?”
Alice looked at Daniel, puzzled. “You mean you don’t know why you’re going up?”
Daniel shook his head.”Nope.” He recently received a letter from the Emperor himself, inviting him to join a task force assembled to deal with unusual cases that the normal bureaus aren’t equipped to handle. He was intrigued at the very least, but it didn’t give very much information. “I was just instructed to be here by three and ask for a Mr. Jack Mallard.” The display showed floor eight.
Alice almost recoiled at the sound of his name. “You must be his new partner then, right?”
Daniel’s smile faded and took on a more concerned expression. “Alice, is there something I need to know about Jack Mallard?” Floor ten.
Alice hesitated for a moment. “N-no, it’s just that he is a very stoic man and I didn’t think he would ask for a new partner, considering what happened to his last one.”
“What happened to the last one, Alice?”
Alice looked away for a moment. “He was chasing a suspect with Jack and didn’t quite make a jump across building and, well, you can guess what happened after.” Floor sixteen
Daniel was more curious than frightened. “Does Mallard blame himself?” The display was reading floor twenty.
Alice bobbed her head from side to side and shrugged. “Yes and no, he tells himself that he should’ve helped him but counters it with, ‘I told him to stay put’. I’m not sure what he thinks.” There was a ding. Floor twenty three.
Daniel looked out as the lift doors slid open and saw something he thought didn’t exist. He stepped out and walked around it, admiring it from all angles. He couldn’t believe there was one in existence, here of all places. Daniel reached out to touch it when someone grabbed his wrist and pulled him back.
“Don’t touch my car!”
Daniel looked down at the hand and observed the man’s tan line stopped at the wrist. His eyes travelled up the arm to the stoic face of the owner. Daniel shook his arm free and put his hand out to shake.
“Daniel Corsica, at your service.” Daniels eyes wandered around the room for a second. “And by the way everyone is looking at us, I can safely assume that you, my good sir, are Mr. Jack Mallard.” Daniel noticed a crease along Jack’s suit jacket. Only military veterans fold the same way every time.
“You’re assumption is correct,” Jack grumbled. “If you don’t mind, you were the only new face here so I can assume you are my new partner, right?”
Daniel watched Jack’s eyes as they looked him up and down a few times. Daniel grinned.”Yupp, that would be me.” Daniel’s eyes flitted back to the car again. “This may be off topic, but how did you get your hands on one of those?”
I want the reader to really get a sense of what the character observes without overwhelming them and experience it as he does. I want the reader to be stuck in suspense if the character has gotten into trouble.
I am concerned that the setting is understated or the reader loses sense of where they are throughout the story. I’m worried that the reader won’t get hooked where I try to grab them. I’m worried that the reader will be confused because there is not enough background information. I’m also concerned that the third person omniscience isn’t working out well. I also think that all the quick observations my character makes is a too much too fast or is boring my reader and turning them off to the piece.
It’s a beautiful day in the sovereign state of Manhattan in the year eighteen of the third era. Manhattan has taken over New York and Pennsylvania and is working on the assimilation of the two states. A young man walks towards Fifty-seventh on Baxter during the midday rush. This man is in his mid twenties with short dark hair and bright green eyes. His smile is very charming with a touch of mischief. Dressed in a gray, three-piece, slim, fitted Versace, he reaches into his pocket for his silver pocket watch to check the time. “It’s almost three. I’ll be there a little earlier than I expected.” The young man walks into a building on the corner of Fifty-second and Baxter and strolls up to the receptionist.
“May I have your name, sir?” the receptionist inquired. He notices the stack of paper on her right. She is behind in her work.
“Daniel Corsica. Here to meet a Mr. Jack Mallard,” the young man replied. Daniel notices her shirt is untucked on her left side. She left her home hurriedly and didn’t see it.
“Of course,” she said. “He’s waiting for you. Take the lift to the twenty third floor and someone will bring you to him.” Her nametag says Wendy.
“Thank you Wendy,” Daniel replied graciously. There is a faint lipstick mark on her neck under her chin, but she has no ring on her finger. Either she is a lesbian or her boyfriend is very effeminate. Daniel couldn’t worry about Wendy’s affairs right now though; he needed to get to Mr. Mallard, so he sauntered off to the lift
Upon reaching it, he pressed the call button and waited a minute and twenty-four seconds for it to come from the top floor. He was only going half way up at the twenty-third. When the doors slid open, a monster of a man appeared and stepped out of the lift. He took one look at Daniel, scowled, and walked out the front door. The man intrigued Daniel so he a made a mental note to ask Mr. Mallard about him when he got up there. Daniel stepped in to the grayscale lift and hit the button for the twenty-third floor.
“HOLD THE DOOR, PLEASE!!”
Daniel slid his arm between the doors right before they closed and let the person in the car. The very loud individual was a woman, blond hair, blue eyes and two armfuls of files and paperwork. Her glasses were slightly askew and her hair was a little frazzled but Daniel couldn’t help noticing how incredibly attractive she was under the halogen lighting.
“Thank you for holding the door for me. My name is Alice.”
Daniel, realizing he was staring, gave his head a little shake and smiled his mischievous grin. “Where are my manners. Daniel Corsica, at your service.” He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it lightly. She has no ring. Alice giggled. Daniel just kept smiling, thinking of the all the different places he could take her out to later this week. “What floor are you going to Alice?”
“Twenty three” she said. The doors closed.
Daniel beamed. “What a coincidence. That’s the same floor I’m going to. If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly should I expect up there?”
Alice looked at Daniel, puzzled. “You mean you don’t know why you’re going up?”
Daniel shook his head.”Nope.” He recently received a letter from the Emperor himself, inviting him to join a task force assembled to deal with unusual cases that the normal bureaus aren’t equipped to handle. He was intrigued at the very least, but it didn’t give very much information. “I was just instructed to be here by three and ask for a Mr. Jack Mallard.” The display showed floor eight.
Alice almost recoiled at the sound of his name. “You must be his new partner then, right?”
Daniel’s smile faded and took on a more concerned expression. “Alice, is there something I need to know about Jack Mallard?” Floor ten.
Alice hesitated for a moment. “N-no, it’s just that he is a very stoic man and I didn’t think he would ask for a new partner, considering what happened to his last one.”
“What happened to the last one, Alice?”
Alice looked away for a moment. “He was chasing a suspect with Jack and didn’t quite make a jump across building and, well, you can guess what happened after.” Floor sixteen
Daniel was more curious than frightened. “Does Mallard blame himself?” The display was reading floor twenty.
Alice bobbed her head from side to side and shrugged. “Yes and no, he tells himself that he should’ve helped him but counters it with, ‘I told him to stay put’. I’m not sure what he thinks.” There was a ding. Floor twenty three.
Daniel looked out as the lift doors slid open and saw something he thought didn’t exist. He stepped out and walked around it, admiring it from all angles. He couldn’t believe there was one in existence, here of all places. Daniel reached out to touch it when someone grabbed his wrist and pulled him back.
“Don’t touch my car!”
Daniel looked down at the hand and observed the man’s tan line stopped at the wrist. His eyes travelled up the arm to the stoic face of the owner. Daniel shook his arm free and put his hand out to shake.
“Daniel Corsica, at your service.” Daniels eyes wandered around the room for a second. “And by the way everyone is looking at us, I can safely assume that you, my good sir, are Mr. Jack Mallard.” Daniel noticed a crease along Jack’s suit jacket. Only military veterans fold the same way every time.
“You’re assumption is correct,” Jack grumbled. “If you don’t mind, you were the only new face here so I can assume you are my new partner, right?”
Daniel watched Jack’s eyes as they looked him up and down a few times. Daniel grinned.”Yupp, that would be me.” Daniel’s eyes flitted back to the car again. “This may be off topic, but how did you get your hands on one of those?”
I want the reader to really get a sense of what the character observes without overwhelming them and experience it as he does. I want the reader to be stuck in suspense if the character has gotten into trouble.
I am concerned that the setting is understated or the reader loses sense of where they are throughout the story. I’m worried that the reader won’t get hooked where I try to grab them. I’m worried that the reader will be confused because there is not enough background information. I’m also concerned that the third person omniscience isn’t working out well. I also think that all the quick observations my character makes is a too much too fast or is boring my reader and turning them off to the piece.