Louden918
05-03-2014, 11:22 AM
Coffeehouse
Quirky young employees at a corporate-owned coffeehouse serve mediocre coffee, converse with equally odd customers, and navigate unrealistic corporate expectations all while dealing with the pressures of early adulthood.
Synopsis
Evan, a college graduate well into his 20s, finds himself trapped in the day-by-day routine of an employee of the foodservice industry. While he isn't exactly motivated, there are a couple of reasons for Evan's predicament. One, he majored in philosophy. The other reason is comfort. It was incredibly easy for Evan to manage the stress of life by ceasing to give a damn. Evan found comfort in avoidance. Almost subconsciously, Evan chose, and everyday chooses to avoid thinking too much about the future. Though his continued employment at Coffeehouse certainly has many drawbacks, Evan has grown accustomed to the environment. His life is stagnant.
Alongside Evan is a colorful band of coworkers. Emma, a self-described stoner, has trouble remembering the recipes for the myriad of overpriced espresso drinks. Vanessa, a new member of the "team", posed for Playboy in her early 20s, which was 30 years ago. Jeb, the youngest of eight siblings, is on fire for Jesus and maintains a daily "sharing of the Word" quota. Samantha, the store manager, is an avid fan of anime, and it's no secret. Though she expects her employees to adhere to standardized dress code, it's not uncommon to spot Sam donning nerd regalia.
Coffeehouse wouldn't be complete without its customers, and the customers are excessive, to say the least. Coffeehouse is conveniently located in the well-to-do part of town. Many of the regulars have extremely high expectations for their coffee, but Evan and his coworkers always enjoy a laugh or two at the customers' expense. Of the regulars is Mido, a Korean American hairdresser who frequents Coffeehouse two or three times a day. Mido stands just under 4'11", but orders an extra-large iced coffee each visit. The caffeinated diva has no qualms being brutally honest to anyone and everyone. The employees often find Mido and the center of store mishaps. Peculiar as it may seem, Evan and Mido become quick friends, and the seemingly insensitive hairdresser offers Evan genuine, but often absurd advice on life.
Lead Characters
Evan Green - Evan has been with Coffeehouse for quite some time. Though the job is completely unsuited for his creative and quick-witted personality, Evan has yet to focus on the possibilities of his future. He’s rarely serious, and always enjoys finding humor in everyday life. He is constantly urged to strive for more. He is completely unconcerned with status or material possessions. To him, success is making a living of something he enjoys. Evan currently has no car. Because of this, he has quickly found out just how poor the public transit system is in his small Midwestern city. The bus runs every hour, and the nearest stop is just over a mile away. Due to the lack of sidewalks, Evan is forced to tread a mile’s worth of grassy slopes to reach his stop.
Mido Kim – Simply put, Mido’s personality is the exact opposite of Evan’s. Mido is extremely determined. For the most part, that determination has paid off. Mido is an incredibly skilled hairdresser. Her skillset includes everything from dreads to extensions. Mido is also very quick to anger, especially when drinking. Her tolerance for alcohol (and bull****) is very, very low. She has no filter, and it’s not uncommon for her to make a scene in public. Though her temper often flairs, Mido’s passion for those she cares about is just as intense as her anger. She cannot and does not understand Evan’s attitude toward life. Mido was raised in a very poor part of Seoul. Her work ethic is admirable.
Emma Barnes– Emma loves interacting with people, talking about coffee, and making espresso drinks. Emma hates Coffeehouse. She hates Coffeehouse because she’s able to see the bigger picture. Like Evan, she understands that it’s a dead-end job. She knows that she’s just an employee number. Though she’s quite intelligent, she isn’t willing to play power games to move up the corporate ladder. Because she isn’t too concerned with job security, Emma will often come to work stoned. As luck would have it, only Evan is able to recognize the tale-tell signs of a wake and bake. The other employees are oblivious, or maybe just too busy taking their job seriously.
Vanessa Lewis– Vanessa is a rarity of sorts for a Coffeehouse employee. She’s in her 50s. She experienced moderate success in acting and modeling endeavors in her early 20s, including a well-known Playboy cover. A series of bad luck and wrong decisions lead her to employment at Coffeehouse. Though she could be bitter, Vanessa has a cheerful attitude and positive outlook on her life and job. She also enjoys the attention from older male customers, who are used to employees being far too young and beyond reach.
Jeb Duran– Jeb is Christian. That’s the first thing about himself he offers to people. He may be a little brainwashed, but he’s sincere. Jeb works part time at Coffeehouse, but is a full-time servant of God, at least that’s what his advisor at Awakening told him. Jeb’s an intern at Awakening, a megachurch and young adult recruitment center. Jeb enjoys his employment at Coffeehouse, but is having second thoughts about devoting his life to the Awakening. While he certainly is a devout Christian, he’s beginning to question authority.
Samantha Rogers– Sam’s the manager at Coffeehouse. Now in her 30s, Sam has been with the company for most of her life. Sam’s a true nerd. She enjoys nerdy pursuits such as Japanese anime, Star Wars, and odd as it may seem, Pez. She actually has quite the extensive Pez dispenser collection. At an early age, Sam was discouraged from pursuing her interests. She has always wanted to be an illustrator, but was told to put her efforts into something more realistic and concrete. This led to Sam’s long-term career at Coffeehouse. She’s a little conflicted as a manager. On one hand, she can easily relate to most of her employees. Sam sees the overwhelming, unrealistic, and often inconsistent expectations of corporate. On the other hand, she has literally committed her life to this job and must adhere to expectations from an endless number of bosses.
Steven Sneed– Steven is a corporation’s wet dream. He’s an incredibly hard worker, never questions authority, and aspires to move up the corporate ladder as quickly as possible. It’s obvious that Steven is very insecure and obsessed with status. Steven views coworkers as opponents in a competition. Every workplace and classroom has one. Steven is the notorious snitch. He’ll use whatever he can to gain the favor of those in positions of authority.
Supporting Characters
Hal Newton – Hal’s the district manager of Coffeehouse. To those who work there, Hal is the face of corporate, though he’s pretty far down the command chain. Hal’s mousy demeanor and strict adherence to rules make him pretty damn unlikeable.
Garcia – Garcia’s real name is Oliver Smith, and he’s quite the douche. It’s common knowledge that he abhors corporations, yet he’s in Coffeehouse each and every day. He’s a compulsive liar and makes up elaborate tales to impress strangers. He’s also a “writer”.
Martha “The Driver” Johnson – Martha says whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Martha’s been a bus driver for over ten years, and she gives no ****s. She also has a habit of putting her needs ahead of those who ride her bus. She’s fond of humor, and enjoys making fun of the patrons of public transit.
Aubrey Hanks – Aubrey is one of many old, retired men who like to shoot the **** every weekday at Coffeehouse. Like most his friends, Aubrey has a crush on Vanessa. Unlike his friends, Aubrey often crosses lines. Antiquity allows him to get away with pretty much whatever he wants to say. He rides his bike to and from Coffeehouse, even in the dead of winter. This is a real concern of those who see Aubrey daily.
Marty Cook - Though his name kind of sounds like that of a pedophile, Marty’s pretty likable. Marty drinks black coffee and tips well. From the patio area, Marty and Mido regularly rag on some of the more excessive customers who come into Coffeehouse. It’s common knowledge that Marty is well-off, though no one is quite sure how he accumulated such wealth.
Terrance “Security” Tomlin – Terrance is the security guard for Evan’s apartment complex, Rolling Greens. He’s more than a little overweight, and his IQ is 90. Despite his flaws, Terrance aspires to enter the Police Academy in the near future.
Leroy Holmes – Leroy rides the number five bus with Evan most mornings. He’s pretty old, and smells like fish guts. In fact, Leroy carries his pole and tackle box with him every morning. Evan’s not sure if Leroy actually goes fishing every day, or if he’s just crazy. Either way, he’s interesting to talk to, if you like to fish.
Guest Characters
Rex Duly – Rex is a motivational speaker who’s hired out by Coffeehouse to inspire and teach employees customer service skills. He takes himself way too seriously and his enthusiasm is over the top.
Pilot / Decaf Almond Milk Latte
Evan closes and locks the door to his studio apartment. The sky is dark. He walks past several cars and crosses the snow-covered parking lot. A wrought iron gate bars access to the empty street beyond. Evan stands in front of the sensor. Nothing happens. Evan flails his arms awkwardly. Nothing happens. With a frustrated “ugh,” Evan approaches the gate. He tosses his backpack over and begins to climb. At the top of the gate, Evan’s corduroys snag one of the iron rods.
“Oh ****,” Evan mutters before falling back the way he came. A loud voice suddenly calls,
“ey, boy!” Evan briefly considers the voice before dismissing it. It’s early. Maybe he’s going crazy. Again, a voice calls,
“ey, boy. You, deaf, dumb, or just plain ignorin’ me?” Evan suddenly spots a sky blue Ford Taurus with the word “Security” plastered across one side of the vehicle. The guard inside is armed with a flashlight and what looks to be a breakfast sandwich.
“This is Terrance Tomlin’s watch, boy. Whatever you’re thinkin’ of doin’, best think again. Explain yourself.”
“I live here, apartment 412. The sensor didn’t detect me. I had to climb.” The guard chuckles, displaying a mouthful of half-chewed sandwich. “Climb? Looked more like you were gettin’ friendly with the post there. Where you goin’ anyway?”
“Work. And I’m running late. Can I go?” Evan asks.
“Hey! I got an idea. How bouts I race you over?”
“What? Are you serious?”
“Hell yes, I’m serious. What? You think just because I got a little extra padding I can’t move and maneuver when the situation calls? I’m gettin’ ready to enter the academy. I’ve been trainin’ at the Y and everything. I may not look it, but I’m a cat with the jump rope.”
“Cat?” Evan wonders aloud.
“Agile, boy. Where the hell you from?”
“Okay. I accept the challenge, but if I win, you give me a ride to work.”
“And what does Terrence get WHEN he wins?”
“I’ll buy you a new set of ropes.”
“They better be Valeo and they better be red. I don’t **** around when it comes to physical fitness.”
“Clearly,” Evan mutters under his breath.
“You mockin’ me?” Terrance asks as he struggles to get out of the Taurus. “Let’s do this.”
“Okay. I’ll say ready, set, go,” Terrance instructs.
“This really is ridiculous,” Evan admits, more to himself than Terrance.
“You chicken?”
“Let’s just get this over with.”
“Ready, set, GO!” Terrance bellows. Evan quickly, but awkwardly scales the gate. Terrance stays planted.
“How about that ride now?” Evan suggests flatly.
“****. I pulled something in my arm. You really lucked out,” a red-faced Terrance claims.
“Okay. Can we go now?”
The Ford Taurus pulls up to a bus stop, not Coffeehouse.
“You owe me a ride to work.” Evan conveys to Terrance.
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll keep my word. I just can’t go all the way to Heritage Hill this morning. Got a meeting with Rolling Greens management in thirty minutes. Might be gettin’ a raise.”
Without another word, Evan exits the Taurus.
“Later, loser,” Terrance declares. The sky blue security vehicle then peels out, makes a U-turn, and goes up and over the curb before speeding off.
Evan takes a seat on the bench next to Leroy Holmes, another regular bus rider.
“Good morning, Leroy.”
“A good morning. Yes, indeed. Gonna rain in the next day or so. Yes, sir. Them blue cats sure will be bitin’ today.”
“Where are you headed to?” Evan asks.
“Got a few places in mind. Might start at little private place I know about. Got a friend by the name Jasper. Well, we used to be friends. He don’t like me to come around no more. We got into a fight ten or twelve years ago over some broad. Tabitha, her name was. She was kinda big, and complained a lot. But lemme tell you. EWW. She had some big ol’ sweet tits. I can almost see ‘em now. Mmhmm. Where was I goin’ with this?”
“Fishing at Jasper’s.”
“Yes. Jasper. Like I said, we ain’t friends no more. But that don’t matter much. He got a lot of land, I tell you what. It’s real easy to sneak in and out. You art to come out sometime. Gotta pole?”
“No. I used to fish a lot as a kid, but I haven’t been in quite some time,” Evan says.
“Well, if you got enough sense to keep your damn mouth closed at the waters, you’re welcome to come anytime. I took my buddy, Ernest a few weeks back. We caught the nineteen out to Dooju Lake. Didn’t catch a damn thing. And I’ll tell ya why. That fool complained about his whore wife the ENTIRE time. Scared ALL the fish away. Damn. No sense. No sense ATALL.”
The bus pulls up to the stop. Evan and Leroy quickly react.
“Good mornin’ Ms. Johnson,” Leroy declares.
“Where you headed today, Timbuktu?” Martha Johnson inquires.
“Thinkin’ about headin’ down south to Lake Raqa,” Leroy says as he heads to the back.
“Ain’t goin’ to no Lake Craqa. You crazy as hell, Leroy,” Martha says under her breath.
While boarding the bus, Evan trips and falls flat on his face. Martha looks at him thoughtfully, as if she’s about to extend a hand. She then bursts into laughter. Some, if not all of the riders join in for a laugh at Evan’s expense. Martha finally gains control of herself.
“Damn, boy. You are CLUMBSY! You’ve been ridin’ this bus for what? Six months now. I know I’ve seen you fall more than a couple times. I like you, though. You make me laugh. And THAT makes this **** job bearable. Almost, anyway. Now sit the hell down. Got an extra stop to make this morning.”
Evan forces a smile, scans his pass, and takes a seat. A few minutes later, the bus comes to a stop at a gas station. The driver unbuckles her seat, stands up and says, “We’re ahead of schedule. Imma run in here and get a cappuccino and some eats. Be right back.” Evan looks at his watch. His shift starts in five minutes. Ten minutes later, the bus pulls to Evan’s stop. As he gets off the bus, the driver calls, “Have a nice day, swiftfoot.”
Evans enters the busy café. Without making eye contact, Evan heads to the backroom. Having shed a few layers of winter wear and now sporting an apron and ball cap, Evan quickly emerges from the backroom. He is immediately approached by Steven, one of Evan’s least favorite people in all of Coffeehouse, if not the entire world.
“You’re late. Take over for Jeb on bar. He’s overdue for a break.” Evan begins to explain, thinks better of it, and heads for the espresso bar.
“Hey Jeb, I’m taking over here. I think you’re going on break.” Although it’s the middle of morning rush, Jeb’s engaged in a conversation with a customer.
“Yep. We’re well over a thousand members now. Lots of young people. But there’s also a decent number of seniors who attend the 8 o’clock service. Oh yeah. There’s a potluck tonight at six. You and your wife should stop by. Bring your favorite dish and share your faith,” Jeb informs an unlucky older gentleman.
“My wife and I are Irish Catholic,” the man conveys to Jeb.
“Well, here. At least take this,” Jeb hands the man a brochure with a picture of Anglo-Saxon Jesus, fire, a lamb, and the words “ARE YOU READY FOR HIS RETURN?”
“I came here for caffeine, not Jesus. Just give me my ****ing caramel latte,” The man casually states. Jeb reluctantly hands the drink to the foul-mouthed Irishman.
“That could’ve gone better. And I’m really sorry about the line.” Jeb admits to Evan.
Evan looks at the long line of drinks, then at the horde customers. Some of the customers are pacing back and forth; some are standing with their arms crossed. They all look unpleasant.
“Damn, dude. You get paid to spin lattes, not to convert people,” a frustrated Evan tells Jeb.
“But which is more important, Evan? Which is more important?” Instead of responding, Evan stares blankly at Jeb. Jeb then heads to the back. Evan gets started on the first drink.
“Jesus, Jeb. Scale it back. Givin’ me a ****IN’ headache,” Evan mutters under his breath.
Evan is about to call out the first drink when Steven approaches him.
“Where’s Jeb?” Steven demands.   ;
“I dunno. Saving souls?” Evan muses. “
"Did you tell him to go on break, Evan?”
“You said he was overdue for a break. I said as much when I replaced him, so he probably took a break.” Steven’s face goes red.
“I said he was OVERDUE for a break, not that he was going on one immediately. It’s the middle of a rush, Evan. Also, are you aerating that milk for five seconds? That’s the standard.” Evan, obviously frustrated, stops want he’s doing and turns to Steven.
“Do you want to do this?”
“You’re scheduled to be on bar this morning.”
“Then get out of my face, and do something productive. It’s the middle of a rush, Steven.”
“You need to work on your attitude, Evan. I was trying to coach you.”
“This is coffee, not tee ball. I don’t need a coach.” Steven hurries off to track down Jeb. Just then, a lady clears her throat. Evan looks up to see a middle-aged woman with a sour face.
“Is this my drink? I’m in a hurry.”
“Well, what’s your name and what did you order?” Evan responds.
“My name is Priscilla and I ordered a small, decaf, almond milk latte. Is this it?”
“That’s a large mocha for Stan, so no, that isn’t it”, Evan rattles off.
“I pay six dollars for my coffee. I expect it to be served in a timely manner, and without the attitude.” Evan looks around for Priscilla’s drink. He spots it toward the end of the line. He says a silent curse. He then turns back to Priscilla. &nbs p;
“I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but there a still a few orders in front of you.”   ;
“Well, could you please make my drink next? I’m running late for a meeting.”
“You want me to make your drink out of turn?”
“Yes. That’s what I just said,” Priscilla states.
“If you were nice about it, I might consider it. That’s definitely not gonna happen now,” Evan informs Priscilla.
“Don’t talk to me that way.”
“What way? With honesty?”
“You’re paid to be polite to customers, not honest.”
“Last I checked, your name wasn’t on my pay stub.” &nb sp;
“Corporate will hear about this,” Priscilla mutters, then stomps off toward the door.
“What a *****,” Evan hears from the other side of the bar. He looks down.
“Hey, Mido. Here’s your iced-coffee.” Evan hands the extra-large drink to the extra-tiny lady.
“**** that situation. Jesus Jeb, dick Steven, and now that snooty *****? You’ve got some patience, my friend. I might admire you if that display wasn’t so damn pathetic.”
Emma walks into an empty café. Though her eyes aren’t red, they appear a little glazed over. Evan, on bar, is quick to spot her. “What the **** is up?” he inquires.
“Stoned as balls. Was this morning busy?”
“Eh. Not too bad. Hey, what are you doing tonight?”
“Uh, I work till 6:30, then nothing.”
“We should hang out. I found Jurassic Park on sale at Thrifty Shop this weekend. I haven’t seen it since I was a kid.”
“Down,” Emma quickly responds.
“Cool. I’ll take the bus over, but I may need a ride home. The bus stops running at 8:00 on weekdays.”
“That’s fine, as long as you give me some gas money. I’m broke as **** till Thursday.”
“Yeah, sure. No problem. Hey, look who’s coming.”
“Damn. Can you ring him up? He always flirts with me,” Emma begs.
“Haha. Sorry. I’ve got a ****-ton of dishes to do before I leave.” Evan scurries off.
“*******,” Emma mutters under her breath.
“Hey there, sweet thing. I’ll have my usual,” Garcia states.
“Large café au lait with soymilk and an extra shot of espresso?” Emma cringes.
“You know it,” Garcia smiles his cheesy smile. “Say. Did you know that a flamingo can only eat when its head is upside down? I came across that fun fact while doing some research on the migratory patterns of birds for my book.”
“Really?” Emma tries, but fails to sound the least bit interested. “Are you…..some sort of biologist?”
“Well, no. But I am a member of the American Birding Association. And then of course I’m a writer by trade.” &nb sp;
“Cool,” Emma mutters, her tone significantly less than enthusiastic. “Here’s your drink. I’ll see you later.” &nb sp;
“Oh. I’m gonna be here a while. I’ve got a lot of work to do today. You should come talk to me on your break. I’d love to talk some more about birds, since you seem to be so interested.”
“I just got here,” Emma informs him. &nbs p;
The phone rings. Steven’s quick to act. “Thank you for calling Coffeehouse. How can I help you?” “Yes, sir. He’s right here. It’s for you, Evan.” Evan reluctantly takes the phone from Lucy.
“Hello.” &nbs p;
“Evan, this is Hal. A customer just called, saying you were rude and acted in an unprofessional manner. What do you have to say?”
“The lady’s expectations were unrealistic. She wanted her drink immediately, and was self-centered enough to ask that I put her order at the front of the line. ”
“Evan, I’m sure she was a difficult customer, but I expect my team to put the customer first and diffuse these situations before they get to me. What could you have done differently?” Evan rolls his eyes.
“Are you saying I should have pushed her order forward?”
“Well, no. I’m implying that you should have been more apologetic, maybe tried a bit harder to appease her. I take customer concerns very seriously. That’s why I’m suggesting to Samantha you go through this weekend’s customer service seminar. It’s open to all team members who are interested, but mandatory for those who have received complaints. It’s being held this Saturday downtown. Rex Duly is hosting it. Maybe you’ve heard of his book, Smiles are Contagious.” Evan frowns.
“No, I certainly haven’t heard of Rex Duly or Smile……..that book. I’m sorry about the complaint. I won’t let it happen again.”
“That’s what I like to hear,” Hal responds. “Enjoy the seminar.”
Evan walks up to Mido, who is smoking out on the coffeehouse patio, right under the “No Smoking” sign.
“It’s about time you came out. I was getting bored,” Mido confesses. Evan sits down. Mido offers Evan a cigarette.
“If you’re bored, you could always go home,” Evan suggests to Mido.
“Nah. I’d rather be up here. My work hours are few and far between, and I get restless at home. Hey, wanna go the Harvest Festival this weekend? I feel like gettin’ blitzed. I’m also gonna enter the pumpkin contest.”
“Since when do you grow pumpkins?”
“Since last September. The winner got a year’s supply of Munster’s (beer) and a three-day paid trip to Reno. I think I’ve got this.”
“I can’t go. Thanks to Decaf Almond Milk Latte (Priscilla), I now have a seminar to attend. It’s on the importance of customer service. Should be real informative. I’m thrilled.”
“What!? Are you ****ing kidding me? You handled that ***** better than most would have. What are you going to do?” “
Go to the seminar?”
“No. I mean what are you going to do to get back at her? She one-upped you. You’ve got to get back.”   ;
“Haha. While I’d love to do that, I have no good ideas. Besides, I don’t want to put my job in jeopardy.”
“Evan, your job sucks. You’re way overqualified to still be working at a coffee shop, and the pay is ****. Tell you what. This one’s on me. I’ll get her back.”
“What are you doing to do?”   ;
“First thing’s first. I’m gonna ask around. Find out what this ***** does. She ****ed with your job. I’m gonna **** with hers.”
Evan and Emma are sitting on a couch. The air is thick with smoke. Emma confesses,
“I wish dinosaurs still existed. Like….your life would be at risk from pterodactyl abduction every time you went to your car.”
“That’d be scary as ****. But at least dinosaurs would weed out some of the weaklings and undesirables. You know, like survival of the fittest.” “I’d love to see that creep Garcia get snatched up by a pterodactyl or trampled by a triceratops while sippin’ on his ****in’ soy latte,” Emma admits. “Surprise, you arrogant, know-it-all bastard! You’ve just been weeded out, and mankind is better for it. Who would you like to see get got by a prehistoric leviathan?” Emma asks.
“Do I have to pick one person? It’s pretty close between Steven and that snooty, *****-of-a-customer Priscilla.”
“Decaf almond milk latte? What a nightmare.”
“A crone from the pits of Hell.”
“Yep. They both suck. But I’m gonna make you pick one,” Emma says.
“Before today, I totally would have said Steven, but now I’m gonna have to go with Priscilla. And if I get to pick the dinosaur, I choose velociraptor. Toe claw to the mother ****ing throat, *****!”
“What happened today?” Emma inquires.
“She called corporate on me. Said I was rude and unprofessional. Now Hal’s making me attend that dumbass seminar this weekend,” Evan sighs. “Bummer! How you gonna get back at her?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that?”
“Because those are the rules, Ev.”
“The rules to what?”
“Life. She’s winning. Are you gonna let her win? Are you a loser, Evan?”
“That’s petty. I’m not gonna sink to that level. Besides, Mido said something about doing some research on Priscilla.” “You told Mido? Damn. This is gonna be good. That ***** goes hard. I once saw her punch a Chihuahua.”
“What? Why would she punch a Chihuahua?”
“Because they’re annoying, Evan. Duh.”
“I didn’t know Samuel Jackson was in this movie. I must have seen it a dozen times as a kid. Never knew he was the black guy.”
“Shut up. I wanna watch this movie. I forgot it was on.”
Rex Duly is on stage for an audience of twenty, but that doesn’t affect his over-the-top enthusiasm and eccentric presence. You’d think he was doing Standup at Carnegie Hall. And of course he’s needlessly speaking into a microphone. His thinning red hair is spiked. His suit is brightly colored. In short, he’s a sensory overload. “Can anyone here tell me the key to great business?”
“Customer service?” a man ventures a guess.
“That is 100% correct, sir. And the easiest way to offer legendary customer service is to exude positivity. I tell you, positive attitude is contagious. If you smile, assume positive intent, and act professionally, the customer will walk away satisfied each and every time.”
“Bull****,” Evan mutters to himself.
“That just isn’t true,” a woman says aloud.
“A naysayer. That’s okay. I was a bit skeptical upon being introduced to this concept myself. What’s your name, dear?”
“Bridgette.”
“ Bridgette, thank you for voicing your concern. However, a simple smile can and certainly does have a powerful effect on people. I’ve cited several scientific studies on the brain’s response to positive intent in my book, Smiles are Contagious. Speaking of which, you’ll all be receiving a complimentary copy at the end of the seminar.”
Bridgette’s quick to respond.
“Last week a man yelled at me for ten minutes because we were out raspberry syrup. I addressed his concern in a professional manner, while keeping my composure. After listening to my explanation as to why we didn’t have the syrup, he called me an ignorant coffeehouse ****, threw iced-tea in my face, and kicked over a trashcan. He later complained to corporate, and here I am. Now that I think about it, I stopped smiling sometime between him calling me a **** and the tea hitting my face. Is that where I went wrong? I’m a single mother of three. I don’t have time for this ****.” Crying, Bridgette storms out of the auditorium.
Dr. Priscilla Hoffman, M.D. holds an office in the west wing on the third floor of St. Jerome Orthopedic Hospital. Her office just so happens to share a wall with the waiting room. Because Dr. Hoffman follows a strict schedule, Mido knows the good doctor will emerge from her office at exactly 2:00, the end of her lunch break. On this particular Friday morning, Mido has the waiting room to herself. The door flies open. Without a second thought or glance back, Dr. Hoffman shoots down the hall and around the corner. Mido, who is sitting in the chair closest to the door, needs only the slide of a foot to keep the door ajar. Mido waits until Dr. Hoffman is around the corner before slipping through the door. The first thing Mido notices is an incredibly clean and well-organized office. Mido goes straight for the computer. She attempts to start up the computer, but a security page bars access. Mido needs Dr. Hoffman’s passcode. She immediately types in “doctor,” “hospital,” “*****,” and “****”. Of course none of these work. “Okay. Think,” She says to herself. Mido looks around. She spots Dr. Hoffman’s framed diploma. She types in “Dartmouth”. No luck. She then notices a picture of Dr. Hoffman and a pig. No, not a pig. A dog. The ugliest dog Mido has ever seen. “What the ****?” Mido wonders. Under the picture reads the caption, “Rest in Peace, Vernon.”
“Ha. Veeernon,” Mido laughs to herself. She then remembers the passcode. She gives Vernon a shot. It works. Mido is granted access to Priscilla’s computer. She immediately clicks on calendar folder. The folder neatly displays Dr. Hoffman’s schedule for the upcoming week. Mido quickly scans the schedule for anything of sigficance. It appears that Dr. Hoffman is performing a surgical operation on someone named Eugenia Frank. Eugenia is in room 201. She scans the datebook for another old lady name. She quickly spots Maude Anderson, who is in room 211. Perfect. Mido switches the numbers. She then shuts down the computer and exits the office.
Monday Morning (several scenes later)
Dr. Priscilla Hoffman walks into room 211 to find a tiny, ancient Maude Anderson. Maude’s face is concealed by a pillow. “Good morning, Ms. Frank. How’s your foot feeling?”
Maude quickly removes the pillow and confesses (In her feeble, old lady voice),
“Everything hurts.”
“We’re going take care of that left foot today, Ms. Frank,” Dr. Hoffman casually states.
“I want to go home. The food here tastes like ****, and I don’t trust that male nurse. In all my life, I’ve never seen anything like it. A man should NOT be a nurse. He could sneak in here at any moment and have his way with me. No one would know the difference. And NO ONE cares.”
“I’m going to send in Dr. Holland. In a few minutes, you’ll be fast asleep. When you wake up, we’ll be all done. That foot will never bother you again. You’ll be able to go home in no time.”
(Several scenes later)
Doug Anderson walks into room 211 to find his mother sitting up in bed. She’s looking under the cover. “Hey, mom. How are you feeling?”
“Not too good. They took my goddamn foot, Dougie.”
“Mom, enough with the irrational fear. Nothing like that is going to happen. This is a hospital. You’re here to get better,” A tired Doug recites to his mother.
“Have a look. It’s gone.” Maude Anderson pulls her footless left leg from under the blanket.
“Oh. My. God,” Doug exclaims before he passes out.
“I TOLD him something like this was gonna happen,” Maude says as she presses the assistance button.
Priscilla Hoffman is having lunch in her office when she suddenly hears a knock at the door.
“Dr. Hoffman?” Regina Styles, the head nurse, inquires. Priscilla Hoffman, in all her confidence, slowly makes her way to the door.
“Regina, this is my lunch hour. What is it?” Priscilla Hoffman demands.
“We have a problem. You’d better come see for yourself.”
“Can it not wait half an hour? My lunch break is almost over.”
“No. It can’t wait, doctor,” Regina reluctantly conveys.
“Ugh. Very well then.”
Dr. Hoffman follows Regina Styles, who appears very nervous, into room 211. Dr. Hoffman looks irritated, but acts at ease. “How are you feeling, Ms. Frank?”
“Pissed. First you took my foot, then my pansy son passed out.”
“Your son?” Dr. Hoffman muses. She looks at Regina. Regina explains,
“Jessica came in to find her son out cold on the floor. We put him in a bed on the 4th floor. He’s hasn’t come to yet.”
“Where the hell is my foot? Can you put it back on? Gerald’s gonna be mighty upset if I can’t waltz on Wednesday nights,” Maude declares.
“Ms. Frank…….” Dr. Hoffman begins.
“Why do you keep callin’ me Frank? I’m Maude GODDAMN Anderson! Priscilla’s face goes white. Two police officers step into the room.
“Priscilla Hoffman, you’re under arrest for the theft of hospital property. You have the right to remain silent.”
“You should arrest her for stealin’ my FOOT!” Maude suggests. For once in her life, Priscilla Hoffman is speechless.
Mido, Emma, and Evan are all sitting around the TV. “Pill Happy Doctor Operates on Wrong Patient,” reads the headline of the six o’clock news. Above the headline, Maude Anderson rants and raves.
“First they took my house, and then they took my foot. Glenn Beck was right. You can’t trust the government. All they do is take.”
“What the…..?” a dumbfounded Evan wonders. Mido explains.
“Go big or go home. And it was all pretty easy. All I had to do was sneak into her office and change some room numbers. Then, of course, I used her security code to gain access to the hospital’s medical closet. I took a bagful of tabs, and then got the hell out of there. I took that bag of tricks to Roxxie, a friend from way back. She flipped ‘em, and now I’m a couple hundred richer. Spending money for Reno.” Mido then pulls out a giant pumpkin with a blue ribbon. “Yep. Did that, too. I’ll be out of town for the rest of the week. Until Monday, *****es.” With that, Mido makes her exit.
Quirky young employees at a corporate-owned coffeehouse serve mediocre coffee, converse with equally odd customers, and navigate unrealistic corporate expectations all while dealing with the pressures of early adulthood.
Synopsis
Evan, a college graduate well into his 20s, finds himself trapped in the day-by-day routine of an employee of the foodservice industry. While he isn't exactly motivated, there are a couple of reasons for Evan's predicament. One, he majored in philosophy. The other reason is comfort. It was incredibly easy for Evan to manage the stress of life by ceasing to give a damn. Evan found comfort in avoidance. Almost subconsciously, Evan chose, and everyday chooses to avoid thinking too much about the future. Though his continued employment at Coffeehouse certainly has many drawbacks, Evan has grown accustomed to the environment. His life is stagnant.
Alongside Evan is a colorful band of coworkers. Emma, a self-described stoner, has trouble remembering the recipes for the myriad of overpriced espresso drinks. Vanessa, a new member of the "team", posed for Playboy in her early 20s, which was 30 years ago. Jeb, the youngest of eight siblings, is on fire for Jesus and maintains a daily "sharing of the Word" quota. Samantha, the store manager, is an avid fan of anime, and it's no secret. Though she expects her employees to adhere to standardized dress code, it's not uncommon to spot Sam donning nerd regalia.
Coffeehouse wouldn't be complete without its customers, and the customers are excessive, to say the least. Coffeehouse is conveniently located in the well-to-do part of town. Many of the regulars have extremely high expectations for their coffee, but Evan and his coworkers always enjoy a laugh or two at the customers' expense. Of the regulars is Mido, a Korean American hairdresser who frequents Coffeehouse two or three times a day. Mido stands just under 4'11", but orders an extra-large iced coffee each visit. The caffeinated diva has no qualms being brutally honest to anyone and everyone. The employees often find Mido and the center of store mishaps. Peculiar as it may seem, Evan and Mido become quick friends, and the seemingly insensitive hairdresser offers Evan genuine, but often absurd advice on life.
Lead Characters
Evan Green - Evan has been with Coffeehouse for quite some time. Though the job is completely unsuited for his creative and quick-witted personality, Evan has yet to focus on the possibilities of his future. He’s rarely serious, and always enjoys finding humor in everyday life. He is constantly urged to strive for more. He is completely unconcerned with status or material possessions. To him, success is making a living of something he enjoys. Evan currently has no car. Because of this, he has quickly found out just how poor the public transit system is in his small Midwestern city. The bus runs every hour, and the nearest stop is just over a mile away. Due to the lack of sidewalks, Evan is forced to tread a mile’s worth of grassy slopes to reach his stop.
Mido Kim – Simply put, Mido’s personality is the exact opposite of Evan’s. Mido is extremely determined. For the most part, that determination has paid off. Mido is an incredibly skilled hairdresser. Her skillset includes everything from dreads to extensions. Mido is also very quick to anger, especially when drinking. Her tolerance for alcohol (and bull****) is very, very low. She has no filter, and it’s not uncommon for her to make a scene in public. Though her temper often flairs, Mido’s passion for those she cares about is just as intense as her anger. She cannot and does not understand Evan’s attitude toward life. Mido was raised in a very poor part of Seoul. Her work ethic is admirable.
Emma Barnes– Emma loves interacting with people, talking about coffee, and making espresso drinks. Emma hates Coffeehouse. She hates Coffeehouse because she’s able to see the bigger picture. Like Evan, she understands that it’s a dead-end job. She knows that she’s just an employee number. Though she’s quite intelligent, she isn’t willing to play power games to move up the corporate ladder. Because she isn’t too concerned with job security, Emma will often come to work stoned. As luck would have it, only Evan is able to recognize the tale-tell signs of a wake and bake. The other employees are oblivious, or maybe just too busy taking their job seriously.
Vanessa Lewis– Vanessa is a rarity of sorts for a Coffeehouse employee. She’s in her 50s. She experienced moderate success in acting and modeling endeavors in her early 20s, including a well-known Playboy cover. A series of bad luck and wrong decisions lead her to employment at Coffeehouse. Though she could be bitter, Vanessa has a cheerful attitude and positive outlook on her life and job. She also enjoys the attention from older male customers, who are used to employees being far too young and beyond reach.
Jeb Duran– Jeb is Christian. That’s the first thing about himself he offers to people. He may be a little brainwashed, but he’s sincere. Jeb works part time at Coffeehouse, but is a full-time servant of God, at least that’s what his advisor at Awakening told him. Jeb’s an intern at Awakening, a megachurch and young adult recruitment center. Jeb enjoys his employment at Coffeehouse, but is having second thoughts about devoting his life to the Awakening. While he certainly is a devout Christian, he’s beginning to question authority.
Samantha Rogers– Sam’s the manager at Coffeehouse. Now in her 30s, Sam has been with the company for most of her life. Sam’s a true nerd. She enjoys nerdy pursuits such as Japanese anime, Star Wars, and odd as it may seem, Pez. She actually has quite the extensive Pez dispenser collection. At an early age, Sam was discouraged from pursuing her interests. She has always wanted to be an illustrator, but was told to put her efforts into something more realistic and concrete. This led to Sam’s long-term career at Coffeehouse. She’s a little conflicted as a manager. On one hand, she can easily relate to most of her employees. Sam sees the overwhelming, unrealistic, and often inconsistent expectations of corporate. On the other hand, she has literally committed her life to this job and must adhere to expectations from an endless number of bosses.
Steven Sneed– Steven is a corporation’s wet dream. He’s an incredibly hard worker, never questions authority, and aspires to move up the corporate ladder as quickly as possible. It’s obvious that Steven is very insecure and obsessed with status. Steven views coworkers as opponents in a competition. Every workplace and classroom has one. Steven is the notorious snitch. He’ll use whatever he can to gain the favor of those in positions of authority.
Supporting Characters
Hal Newton – Hal’s the district manager of Coffeehouse. To those who work there, Hal is the face of corporate, though he’s pretty far down the command chain. Hal’s mousy demeanor and strict adherence to rules make him pretty damn unlikeable.
Garcia – Garcia’s real name is Oliver Smith, and he’s quite the douche. It’s common knowledge that he abhors corporations, yet he’s in Coffeehouse each and every day. He’s a compulsive liar and makes up elaborate tales to impress strangers. He’s also a “writer”.
Martha “The Driver” Johnson – Martha says whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Martha’s been a bus driver for over ten years, and she gives no ****s. She also has a habit of putting her needs ahead of those who ride her bus. She’s fond of humor, and enjoys making fun of the patrons of public transit.
Aubrey Hanks – Aubrey is one of many old, retired men who like to shoot the **** every weekday at Coffeehouse. Like most his friends, Aubrey has a crush on Vanessa. Unlike his friends, Aubrey often crosses lines. Antiquity allows him to get away with pretty much whatever he wants to say. He rides his bike to and from Coffeehouse, even in the dead of winter. This is a real concern of those who see Aubrey daily.
Marty Cook - Though his name kind of sounds like that of a pedophile, Marty’s pretty likable. Marty drinks black coffee and tips well. From the patio area, Marty and Mido regularly rag on some of the more excessive customers who come into Coffeehouse. It’s common knowledge that Marty is well-off, though no one is quite sure how he accumulated such wealth.
Terrance “Security” Tomlin – Terrance is the security guard for Evan’s apartment complex, Rolling Greens. He’s more than a little overweight, and his IQ is 90. Despite his flaws, Terrance aspires to enter the Police Academy in the near future.
Leroy Holmes – Leroy rides the number five bus with Evan most mornings. He’s pretty old, and smells like fish guts. In fact, Leroy carries his pole and tackle box with him every morning. Evan’s not sure if Leroy actually goes fishing every day, or if he’s just crazy. Either way, he’s interesting to talk to, if you like to fish.
Guest Characters
Rex Duly – Rex is a motivational speaker who’s hired out by Coffeehouse to inspire and teach employees customer service skills. He takes himself way too seriously and his enthusiasm is over the top.
Pilot / Decaf Almond Milk Latte
Evan closes and locks the door to his studio apartment. The sky is dark. He walks past several cars and crosses the snow-covered parking lot. A wrought iron gate bars access to the empty street beyond. Evan stands in front of the sensor. Nothing happens. Evan flails his arms awkwardly. Nothing happens. With a frustrated “ugh,” Evan approaches the gate. He tosses his backpack over and begins to climb. At the top of the gate, Evan’s corduroys snag one of the iron rods.
“Oh ****,” Evan mutters before falling back the way he came. A loud voice suddenly calls,
“ey, boy!” Evan briefly considers the voice before dismissing it. It’s early. Maybe he’s going crazy. Again, a voice calls,
“ey, boy. You, deaf, dumb, or just plain ignorin’ me?” Evan suddenly spots a sky blue Ford Taurus with the word “Security” plastered across one side of the vehicle. The guard inside is armed with a flashlight and what looks to be a breakfast sandwich.
“This is Terrance Tomlin’s watch, boy. Whatever you’re thinkin’ of doin’, best think again. Explain yourself.”
“I live here, apartment 412. The sensor didn’t detect me. I had to climb.” The guard chuckles, displaying a mouthful of half-chewed sandwich. “Climb? Looked more like you were gettin’ friendly with the post there. Where you goin’ anyway?”
“Work. And I’m running late. Can I go?” Evan asks.
“Hey! I got an idea. How bouts I race you over?”
“What? Are you serious?”
“Hell yes, I’m serious. What? You think just because I got a little extra padding I can’t move and maneuver when the situation calls? I’m gettin’ ready to enter the academy. I’ve been trainin’ at the Y and everything. I may not look it, but I’m a cat with the jump rope.”
“Cat?” Evan wonders aloud.
“Agile, boy. Where the hell you from?”
“Okay. I accept the challenge, but if I win, you give me a ride to work.”
“And what does Terrence get WHEN he wins?”
“I’ll buy you a new set of ropes.”
“They better be Valeo and they better be red. I don’t **** around when it comes to physical fitness.”
“Clearly,” Evan mutters under his breath.
“You mockin’ me?” Terrance asks as he struggles to get out of the Taurus. “Let’s do this.”
“Okay. I’ll say ready, set, go,” Terrance instructs.
“This really is ridiculous,” Evan admits, more to himself than Terrance.
“You chicken?”
“Let’s just get this over with.”
“Ready, set, GO!” Terrance bellows. Evan quickly, but awkwardly scales the gate. Terrance stays planted.
“How about that ride now?” Evan suggests flatly.
“****. I pulled something in my arm. You really lucked out,” a red-faced Terrance claims.
“Okay. Can we go now?”
The Ford Taurus pulls up to a bus stop, not Coffeehouse.
“You owe me a ride to work.” Evan conveys to Terrance.
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll keep my word. I just can’t go all the way to Heritage Hill this morning. Got a meeting with Rolling Greens management in thirty minutes. Might be gettin’ a raise.”
Without another word, Evan exits the Taurus.
“Later, loser,” Terrance declares. The sky blue security vehicle then peels out, makes a U-turn, and goes up and over the curb before speeding off.
Evan takes a seat on the bench next to Leroy Holmes, another regular bus rider.
“Good morning, Leroy.”
“A good morning. Yes, indeed. Gonna rain in the next day or so. Yes, sir. Them blue cats sure will be bitin’ today.”
“Where are you headed to?” Evan asks.
“Got a few places in mind. Might start at little private place I know about. Got a friend by the name Jasper. Well, we used to be friends. He don’t like me to come around no more. We got into a fight ten or twelve years ago over some broad. Tabitha, her name was. She was kinda big, and complained a lot. But lemme tell you. EWW. She had some big ol’ sweet tits. I can almost see ‘em now. Mmhmm. Where was I goin’ with this?”
“Fishing at Jasper’s.”
“Yes. Jasper. Like I said, we ain’t friends no more. But that don’t matter much. He got a lot of land, I tell you what. It’s real easy to sneak in and out. You art to come out sometime. Gotta pole?”
“No. I used to fish a lot as a kid, but I haven’t been in quite some time,” Evan says.
“Well, if you got enough sense to keep your damn mouth closed at the waters, you’re welcome to come anytime. I took my buddy, Ernest a few weeks back. We caught the nineteen out to Dooju Lake. Didn’t catch a damn thing. And I’ll tell ya why. That fool complained about his whore wife the ENTIRE time. Scared ALL the fish away. Damn. No sense. No sense ATALL.”
The bus pulls up to the stop. Evan and Leroy quickly react.
“Good mornin’ Ms. Johnson,” Leroy declares.
“Where you headed today, Timbuktu?” Martha Johnson inquires.
“Thinkin’ about headin’ down south to Lake Raqa,” Leroy says as he heads to the back.
“Ain’t goin’ to no Lake Craqa. You crazy as hell, Leroy,” Martha says under her breath.
While boarding the bus, Evan trips and falls flat on his face. Martha looks at him thoughtfully, as if she’s about to extend a hand. She then bursts into laughter. Some, if not all of the riders join in for a laugh at Evan’s expense. Martha finally gains control of herself.
“Damn, boy. You are CLUMBSY! You’ve been ridin’ this bus for what? Six months now. I know I’ve seen you fall more than a couple times. I like you, though. You make me laugh. And THAT makes this **** job bearable. Almost, anyway. Now sit the hell down. Got an extra stop to make this morning.”
Evan forces a smile, scans his pass, and takes a seat. A few minutes later, the bus comes to a stop at a gas station. The driver unbuckles her seat, stands up and says, “We’re ahead of schedule. Imma run in here and get a cappuccino and some eats. Be right back.” Evan looks at his watch. His shift starts in five minutes. Ten minutes later, the bus pulls to Evan’s stop. As he gets off the bus, the driver calls, “Have a nice day, swiftfoot.”
Evans enters the busy café. Without making eye contact, Evan heads to the backroom. Having shed a few layers of winter wear and now sporting an apron and ball cap, Evan quickly emerges from the backroom. He is immediately approached by Steven, one of Evan’s least favorite people in all of Coffeehouse, if not the entire world.
“You’re late. Take over for Jeb on bar. He’s overdue for a break.” Evan begins to explain, thinks better of it, and heads for the espresso bar.
“Hey Jeb, I’m taking over here. I think you’re going on break.” Although it’s the middle of morning rush, Jeb’s engaged in a conversation with a customer.
“Yep. We’re well over a thousand members now. Lots of young people. But there’s also a decent number of seniors who attend the 8 o’clock service. Oh yeah. There’s a potluck tonight at six. You and your wife should stop by. Bring your favorite dish and share your faith,” Jeb informs an unlucky older gentleman.
“My wife and I are Irish Catholic,” the man conveys to Jeb.
“Well, here. At least take this,” Jeb hands the man a brochure with a picture of Anglo-Saxon Jesus, fire, a lamb, and the words “ARE YOU READY FOR HIS RETURN?”
“I came here for caffeine, not Jesus. Just give me my ****ing caramel latte,” The man casually states. Jeb reluctantly hands the drink to the foul-mouthed Irishman.
“That could’ve gone better. And I’m really sorry about the line.” Jeb admits to Evan.
Evan looks at the long line of drinks, then at the horde customers. Some of the customers are pacing back and forth; some are standing with their arms crossed. They all look unpleasant.
“Damn, dude. You get paid to spin lattes, not to convert people,” a frustrated Evan tells Jeb.
“But which is more important, Evan? Which is more important?” Instead of responding, Evan stares blankly at Jeb. Jeb then heads to the back. Evan gets started on the first drink.
“Jesus, Jeb. Scale it back. Givin’ me a ****IN’ headache,” Evan mutters under his breath.
Evan is about to call out the first drink when Steven approaches him.
“Where’s Jeb?” Steven demands.   ;
“I dunno. Saving souls?” Evan muses. “
"Did you tell him to go on break, Evan?”
“You said he was overdue for a break. I said as much when I replaced him, so he probably took a break.” Steven’s face goes red.
“I said he was OVERDUE for a break, not that he was going on one immediately. It’s the middle of a rush, Evan. Also, are you aerating that milk for five seconds? That’s the standard.” Evan, obviously frustrated, stops want he’s doing and turns to Steven.
“Do you want to do this?”
“You’re scheduled to be on bar this morning.”
“Then get out of my face, and do something productive. It’s the middle of a rush, Steven.”
“You need to work on your attitude, Evan. I was trying to coach you.”
“This is coffee, not tee ball. I don’t need a coach.” Steven hurries off to track down Jeb. Just then, a lady clears her throat. Evan looks up to see a middle-aged woman with a sour face.
“Is this my drink? I’m in a hurry.”
“Well, what’s your name and what did you order?” Evan responds.
“My name is Priscilla and I ordered a small, decaf, almond milk latte. Is this it?”
“That’s a large mocha for Stan, so no, that isn’t it”, Evan rattles off.
“I pay six dollars for my coffee. I expect it to be served in a timely manner, and without the attitude.” Evan looks around for Priscilla’s drink. He spots it toward the end of the line. He says a silent curse. He then turns back to Priscilla. &nbs p;
“I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but there a still a few orders in front of you.”   ;
“Well, could you please make my drink next? I’m running late for a meeting.”
“You want me to make your drink out of turn?”
“Yes. That’s what I just said,” Priscilla states.
“If you were nice about it, I might consider it. That’s definitely not gonna happen now,” Evan informs Priscilla.
“Don’t talk to me that way.”
“What way? With honesty?”
“You’re paid to be polite to customers, not honest.”
“Last I checked, your name wasn’t on my pay stub.” &nb sp;
“Corporate will hear about this,” Priscilla mutters, then stomps off toward the door.
“What a *****,” Evan hears from the other side of the bar. He looks down.
“Hey, Mido. Here’s your iced-coffee.” Evan hands the extra-large drink to the extra-tiny lady.
“**** that situation. Jesus Jeb, dick Steven, and now that snooty *****? You’ve got some patience, my friend. I might admire you if that display wasn’t so damn pathetic.”
Emma walks into an empty café. Though her eyes aren’t red, they appear a little glazed over. Evan, on bar, is quick to spot her. “What the **** is up?” he inquires.
“Stoned as balls. Was this morning busy?”
“Eh. Not too bad. Hey, what are you doing tonight?”
“Uh, I work till 6:30, then nothing.”
“We should hang out. I found Jurassic Park on sale at Thrifty Shop this weekend. I haven’t seen it since I was a kid.”
“Down,” Emma quickly responds.
“Cool. I’ll take the bus over, but I may need a ride home. The bus stops running at 8:00 on weekdays.”
“That’s fine, as long as you give me some gas money. I’m broke as **** till Thursday.”
“Yeah, sure. No problem. Hey, look who’s coming.”
“Damn. Can you ring him up? He always flirts with me,” Emma begs.
“Haha. Sorry. I’ve got a ****-ton of dishes to do before I leave.” Evan scurries off.
“*******,” Emma mutters under her breath.
“Hey there, sweet thing. I’ll have my usual,” Garcia states.
“Large café au lait with soymilk and an extra shot of espresso?” Emma cringes.
“You know it,” Garcia smiles his cheesy smile. “Say. Did you know that a flamingo can only eat when its head is upside down? I came across that fun fact while doing some research on the migratory patterns of birds for my book.”
“Really?” Emma tries, but fails to sound the least bit interested. “Are you…..some sort of biologist?”
“Well, no. But I am a member of the American Birding Association. And then of course I’m a writer by trade.” &nb sp;
“Cool,” Emma mutters, her tone significantly less than enthusiastic. “Here’s your drink. I’ll see you later.” &nb sp;
“Oh. I’m gonna be here a while. I’ve got a lot of work to do today. You should come talk to me on your break. I’d love to talk some more about birds, since you seem to be so interested.”
“I just got here,” Emma informs him. &nbs p;
The phone rings. Steven’s quick to act. “Thank you for calling Coffeehouse. How can I help you?” “Yes, sir. He’s right here. It’s for you, Evan.” Evan reluctantly takes the phone from Lucy.
“Hello.” &nbs p;
“Evan, this is Hal. A customer just called, saying you were rude and acted in an unprofessional manner. What do you have to say?”
“The lady’s expectations were unrealistic. She wanted her drink immediately, and was self-centered enough to ask that I put her order at the front of the line. ”
“Evan, I’m sure she was a difficult customer, but I expect my team to put the customer first and diffuse these situations before they get to me. What could you have done differently?” Evan rolls his eyes.
“Are you saying I should have pushed her order forward?”
“Well, no. I’m implying that you should have been more apologetic, maybe tried a bit harder to appease her. I take customer concerns very seriously. That’s why I’m suggesting to Samantha you go through this weekend’s customer service seminar. It’s open to all team members who are interested, but mandatory for those who have received complaints. It’s being held this Saturday downtown. Rex Duly is hosting it. Maybe you’ve heard of his book, Smiles are Contagious.” Evan frowns.
“No, I certainly haven’t heard of Rex Duly or Smile……..that book. I’m sorry about the complaint. I won’t let it happen again.”
“That’s what I like to hear,” Hal responds. “Enjoy the seminar.”
Evan walks up to Mido, who is smoking out on the coffeehouse patio, right under the “No Smoking” sign.
“It’s about time you came out. I was getting bored,” Mido confesses. Evan sits down. Mido offers Evan a cigarette.
“If you’re bored, you could always go home,” Evan suggests to Mido.
“Nah. I’d rather be up here. My work hours are few and far between, and I get restless at home. Hey, wanna go the Harvest Festival this weekend? I feel like gettin’ blitzed. I’m also gonna enter the pumpkin contest.”
“Since when do you grow pumpkins?”
“Since last September. The winner got a year’s supply of Munster’s (beer) and a three-day paid trip to Reno. I think I’ve got this.”
“I can’t go. Thanks to Decaf Almond Milk Latte (Priscilla), I now have a seminar to attend. It’s on the importance of customer service. Should be real informative. I’m thrilled.”
“What!? Are you ****ing kidding me? You handled that ***** better than most would have. What are you going to do?” “
Go to the seminar?”
“No. I mean what are you going to do to get back at her? She one-upped you. You’ve got to get back.”   ;
“Haha. While I’d love to do that, I have no good ideas. Besides, I don’t want to put my job in jeopardy.”
“Evan, your job sucks. You’re way overqualified to still be working at a coffee shop, and the pay is ****. Tell you what. This one’s on me. I’ll get her back.”
“What are you doing to do?”   ;
“First thing’s first. I’m gonna ask around. Find out what this ***** does. She ****ed with your job. I’m gonna **** with hers.”
Evan and Emma are sitting on a couch. The air is thick with smoke. Emma confesses,
“I wish dinosaurs still existed. Like….your life would be at risk from pterodactyl abduction every time you went to your car.”
“That’d be scary as ****. But at least dinosaurs would weed out some of the weaklings and undesirables. You know, like survival of the fittest.” “I’d love to see that creep Garcia get snatched up by a pterodactyl or trampled by a triceratops while sippin’ on his ****in’ soy latte,” Emma admits. “Surprise, you arrogant, know-it-all bastard! You’ve just been weeded out, and mankind is better for it. Who would you like to see get got by a prehistoric leviathan?” Emma asks.
“Do I have to pick one person? It’s pretty close between Steven and that snooty, *****-of-a-customer Priscilla.”
“Decaf almond milk latte? What a nightmare.”
“A crone from the pits of Hell.”
“Yep. They both suck. But I’m gonna make you pick one,” Emma says.
“Before today, I totally would have said Steven, but now I’m gonna have to go with Priscilla. And if I get to pick the dinosaur, I choose velociraptor. Toe claw to the mother ****ing throat, *****!”
“What happened today?” Emma inquires.
“She called corporate on me. Said I was rude and unprofessional. Now Hal’s making me attend that dumbass seminar this weekend,” Evan sighs. “Bummer! How you gonna get back at her?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that?”
“Because those are the rules, Ev.”
“The rules to what?”
“Life. She’s winning. Are you gonna let her win? Are you a loser, Evan?”
“That’s petty. I’m not gonna sink to that level. Besides, Mido said something about doing some research on Priscilla.” “You told Mido? Damn. This is gonna be good. That ***** goes hard. I once saw her punch a Chihuahua.”
“What? Why would she punch a Chihuahua?”
“Because they’re annoying, Evan. Duh.”
“I didn’t know Samuel Jackson was in this movie. I must have seen it a dozen times as a kid. Never knew he was the black guy.”
“Shut up. I wanna watch this movie. I forgot it was on.”
Rex Duly is on stage for an audience of twenty, but that doesn’t affect his over-the-top enthusiasm and eccentric presence. You’d think he was doing Standup at Carnegie Hall. And of course he’s needlessly speaking into a microphone. His thinning red hair is spiked. His suit is brightly colored. In short, he’s a sensory overload. “Can anyone here tell me the key to great business?”
“Customer service?” a man ventures a guess.
“That is 100% correct, sir. And the easiest way to offer legendary customer service is to exude positivity. I tell you, positive attitude is contagious. If you smile, assume positive intent, and act professionally, the customer will walk away satisfied each and every time.”
“Bull****,” Evan mutters to himself.
“That just isn’t true,” a woman says aloud.
“A naysayer. That’s okay. I was a bit skeptical upon being introduced to this concept myself. What’s your name, dear?”
“Bridgette.”
“ Bridgette, thank you for voicing your concern. However, a simple smile can and certainly does have a powerful effect on people. I’ve cited several scientific studies on the brain’s response to positive intent in my book, Smiles are Contagious. Speaking of which, you’ll all be receiving a complimentary copy at the end of the seminar.”
Bridgette’s quick to respond.
“Last week a man yelled at me for ten minutes because we were out raspberry syrup. I addressed his concern in a professional manner, while keeping my composure. After listening to my explanation as to why we didn’t have the syrup, he called me an ignorant coffeehouse ****, threw iced-tea in my face, and kicked over a trashcan. He later complained to corporate, and here I am. Now that I think about it, I stopped smiling sometime between him calling me a **** and the tea hitting my face. Is that where I went wrong? I’m a single mother of three. I don’t have time for this ****.” Crying, Bridgette storms out of the auditorium.
Dr. Priscilla Hoffman, M.D. holds an office in the west wing on the third floor of St. Jerome Orthopedic Hospital. Her office just so happens to share a wall with the waiting room. Because Dr. Hoffman follows a strict schedule, Mido knows the good doctor will emerge from her office at exactly 2:00, the end of her lunch break. On this particular Friday morning, Mido has the waiting room to herself. The door flies open. Without a second thought or glance back, Dr. Hoffman shoots down the hall and around the corner. Mido, who is sitting in the chair closest to the door, needs only the slide of a foot to keep the door ajar. Mido waits until Dr. Hoffman is around the corner before slipping through the door. The first thing Mido notices is an incredibly clean and well-organized office. Mido goes straight for the computer. She attempts to start up the computer, but a security page bars access. Mido needs Dr. Hoffman’s passcode. She immediately types in “doctor,” “hospital,” “*****,” and “****”. Of course none of these work. “Okay. Think,” She says to herself. Mido looks around. She spots Dr. Hoffman’s framed diploma. She types in “Dartmouth”. No luck. She then notices a picture of Dr. Hoffman and a pig. No, not a pig. A dog. The ugliest dog Mido has ever seen. “What the ****?” Mido wonders. Under the picture reads the caption, “Rest in Peace, Vernon.”
“Ha. Veeernon,” Mido laughs to herself. She then remembers the passcode. She gives Vernon a shot. It works. Mido is granted access to Priscilla’s computer. She immediately clicks on calendar folder. The folder neatly displays Dr. Hoffman’s schedule for the upcoming week. Mido quickly scans the schedule for anything of sigficance. It appears that Dr. Hoffman is performing a surgical operation on someone named Eugenia Frank. Eugenia is in room 201. She scans the datebook for another old lady name. She quickly spots Maude Anderson, who is in room 211. Perfect. Mido switches the numbers. She then shuts down the computer and exits the office.
Monday Morning (several scenes later)
Dr. Priscilla Hoffman walks into room 211 to find a tiny, ancient Maude Anderson. Maude’s face is concealed by a pillow. “Good morning, Ms. Frank. How’s your foot feeling?”
Maude quickly removes the pillow and confesses (In her feeble, old lady voice),
“Everything hurts.”
“We’re going take care of that left foot today, Ms. Frank,” Dr. Hoffman casually states.
“I want to go home. The food here tastes like ****, and I don’t trust that male nurse. In all my life, I’ve never seen anything like it. A man should NOT be a nurse. He could sneak in here at any moment and have his way with me. No one would know the difference. And NO ONE cares.”
“I’m going to send in Dr. Holland. In a few minutes, you’ll be fast asleep. When you wake up, we’ll be all done. That foot will never bother you again. You’ll be able to go home in no time.”
(Several scenes later)
Doug Anderson walks into room 211 to find his mother sitting up in bed. She’s looking under the cover. “Hey, mom. How are you feeling?”
“Not too good. They took my goddamn foot, Dougie.”
“Mom, enough with the irrational fear. Nothing like that is going to happen. This is a hospital. You’re here to get better,” A tired Doug recites to his mother.
“Have a look. It’s gone.” Maude Anderson pulls her footless left leg from under the blanket.
“Oh. My. God,” Doug exclaims before he passes out.
“I TOLD him something like this was gonna happen,” Maude says as she presses the assistance button.
Priscilla Hoffman is having lunch in her office when she suddenly hears a knock at the door.
“Dr. Hoffman?” Regina Styles, the head nurse, inquires. Priscilla Hoffman, in all her confidence, slowly makes her way to the door.
“Regina, this is my lunch hour. What is it?” Priscilla Hoffman demands.
“We have a problem. You’d better come see for yourself.”
“Can it not wait half an hour? My lunch break is almost over.”
“No. It can’t wait, doctor,” Regina reluctantly conveys.
“Ugh. Very well then.”
Dr. Hoffman follows Regina Styles, who appears very nervous, into room 211. Dr. Hoffman looks irritated, but acts at ease. “How are you feeling, Ms. Frank?”
“Pissed. First you took my foot, then my pansy son passed out.”
“Your son?” Dr. Hoffman muses. She looks at Regina. Regina explains,
“Jessica came in to find her son out cold on the floor. We put him in a bed on the 4th floor. He’s hasn’t come to yet.”
“Where the hell is my foot? Can you put it back on? Gerald’s gonna be mighty upset if I can’t waltz on Wednesday nights,” Maude declares.
“Ms. Frank…….” Dr. Hoffman begins.
“Why do you keep callin’ me Frank? I’m Maude GODDAMN Anderson! Priscilla’s face goes white. Two police officers step into the room.
“Priscilla Hoffman, you’re under arrest for the theft of hospital property. You have the right to remain silent.”
“You should arrest her for stealin’ my FOOT!” Maude suggests. For once in her life, Priscilla Hoffman is speechless.
Mido, Emma, and Evan are all sitting around the TV. “Pill Happy Doctor Operates on Wrong Patient,” reads the headline of the six o’clock news. Above the headline, Maude Anderson rants and raves.
“First they took my house, and then they took my foot. Glenn Beck was right. You can’t trust the government. All they do is take.”
“What the…..?” a dumbfounded Evan wonders. Mido explains.
“Go big or go home. And it was all pretty easy. All I had to do was sneak into her office and change some room numbers. Then, of course, I used her security code to gain access to the hospital’s medical closet. I took a bagful of tabs, and then got the hell out of there. I took that bag of tricks to Roxxie, a friend from way back. She flipped ‘em, and now I’m a couple hundred richer. Spending money for Reno.” Mido then pulls out a giant pumpkin with a blue ribbon. “Yep. Did that, too. I’ll be out of town for the rest of the week. Until Monday, *****es.” With that, Mido makes her exit.