Life Without the Sun

[WX6[ck]]

I’d ponder’d life without the sun,
With what of worth that I had done.
Such that, within and without,
Seeds of pain began to sprout.
Never had I found my shame so sure.
I’ve lost all that once was sweet and pure.

Those fears I had once forgotten,
Sullied thoughts with time have rotten.
Now hide in the empty hole,
of what was a loving soul.
So I mourn a forlorn lover’s fall.
A clouded truth darkens days for all.

That sound had rung so true a tone.
Emptiness now bellows alone.
A call to all that is weak.
A lone fleet-foot folly freak.
For he who casts his courage away,
Cannot find the joyous light of day.

Thus in shadow my senses dulled.
Passions withered and dreams were culled.
Tempered was the pain I knew.
All that’s loathsome in me grew.
Away! Away! Curse the world outside!
Lest tainted noses smell a swelling pride!

One last time, emotions are spurned!
The last of the fire that’d burned!
Fight again ‘for winter sets,
Tears, the hateful man begets!
Churn troubled waters over again,
As they’ll turn cold and still in the end.

All that was said, now set in stone.
Heard in silence, a still heart’s groan.
Hush-ed a lamenter’s cry.
Hush-ed words of anguish die.
Now out of fear, trembling hands are stayed.
All that is that’s left lies in a grave.

Thank you for reading!

[YesNo]

I liked the rhymes, but the meter is off in many places. It seems you want to write an iambic line with four accents. I think improving the meter would improve the sound of the poem.

There are some cliches such as "set in stone", but one of the nice things about that particular cliche is that there is an alliteration on the "s" sound. I like alliteration, although it can be overdone.

[chevalierdelame]

I like this poem specially the lines,

'Never had I found my shame so sure.
I’ve lost all that once was sweet and pure.'

'For he who casts his courage away,
Cannot find the joyous light of day.'

[WX6[ck]]

I tried to experiment with the metre. I did not want it to be too uniform. I decided to go with a pattern of 8-7-9 syllables over 6 lines of 3 rhyming elements. I feel that this conveys a sense of 'choking' during each stanza. I feel it also emphasizes a pause between stanzas. This poem is about depression and I wanted it to express how difficult depression is to deal with.

Thanks for the criticism though!