T B discuss

[tomta20012]

Chapter 1
The boy walked across the grass oval while looking into the sun. The sunshine radiated his face.

He reached the exact centre of the oval and then stopped. He then did something that was extremely strange.

The other school children who were eating their lunch at the edge of the oval were now watching the boy with intense scrutiny.

"What is he doing?" The children whispered to each other.

The boy got down on to his hands and knees and started to wiggle his fingers into the earth. Deeper and deeper he plunged his fingers. He then kicked off his sandals and started to do the same with his toes.

The boy remain in that position not moving for a long time.

Finally he stood up and brushed the dirt off his knees. He then walked back across the oval to a golden haired girl who was waiting patiently for him.

"Why do u always do that?" she whispered looking around.

She adjusted his collar and then started to pick bits of grass from his shirt.

"Do what?" the boy looked at her in surprise.

The girl raised one eye brow and studied the boy's innocent looking face for a few seconds.

"Well, at lunch time you always walk out into the middle of the oval and stick your fingers into the ground....." she paused looking for a reaction on his face.

The boy didn't seem to understand judging by his blank stare, so she continued.

"I think it is very strange" she said to him bluntly.

She plucked the last piece of grass from his brown hair.

"Yeah?" said the boy. "Now that you mention it... I do suppose that it is a little strange."

The girl raised both her eyebrows at him. "A little?" She chuckled.

The boy looked away from her "You know, I don't know why I do it, but how about you. Why are you always following-".

The lunch bell suddenly rang and the boy stopped speaking for a few seconds.

He then continued speaking, "we have our sports class now" he said. "I am really looking forward to sports today!”

"Another thing," said the girl. "Why do you always have to do it, in exactly the middle of the oval?" she called after him.

The boy was already walking to sports class. "I need a lot of room," he called back to her.

"Room?" She was running to catch up. "Room for what?"

The boy and girl walked further down the oval together, to meet their teacher for sports class.

The sports teacher had already arrived and was laying out orange marker hats on the oval.

The rest of the students started to arrive. Every one seemed very cheerful. Sports class was very popular among the students.

"We are going to have a running race today," the sports teacher said without looking up from a clip board. "Make sure you all stretch please!.”

After everybody had done their stretches and all the students had lined up at the starting line.

The sports teacher raised his arm into the air and fired a cap gun. With a loud pop the race started.

That is when the boy did something else that was extremely strange for the second time that day.

The boy rocketed off the starting line as if he had literally exploded from a canon. His small body was moving around the oval so fast that it was a blur.

All the children staggered to a stop and now stood watching in disbelief as the boy practically flew around the oval and back to the starting line in mere seconds.

The boy stopped at the finishing line and was not even panting. He was now standing with an eerily straight posture and was looking straight up into the sun, again!

Some body coughed. The boy looked away from the sun and saw that everyone was staring at him.

There was a complete silence. Nobody said a word. A crow cawed behind the boy.

The boy looked behind himself, just to check that it wasn't something else that they were looking at.

He then looked back at them and threw his arms up in confusion.

"What?" said the boy.

Every one flinched in fear as the boy threw up his hands.

The golden haired girl suddenly ran over to the boy. She grabbed his hand and hissed at him "I think we've gotta go, now!"

She launched into a run straight out of the school gate and down the road dragging him behind her.

The children and the sports teacher looked even more baffled.

The teacher suddenly called out to them.

"Hey, you can't leave the school grounds!"

The teacher ran after the kids but they were both long gone.

The two children jogged down the back allies through the town still holding hands.

The girl chose a path that was least likely to have people on it.

"You have to tell me who you are. Or what you are" the girl said.

She looked back at the boy running behind her.

After a short pause an unexpected answer suddenly came from the boy.

"I have to go into the mountains" he said.

"The mountains?" the girl repeated slowly.

She was shaking and nodding her head at the same time.

After a moment of thought the girl relaxed and smiled a big beaming smile.

"Yeah! Ok..." she said. "The mountains! Why not?"

The girl had goose bumps all over her body. She immediately changed their course.

Hand in hand they disappeared into the dark forest at the edge of the small town.

Something was going to happen in the mountains, something really big and the world would never be the same!

[Hwo Thumb]

This is an odd little piece, but I like it :) You have a few minor conventions issues, but nothing a bit of proofreading can't fix.

I must admit I feel like I missed something. I'm assuming that what was happening there will be explained later... In any case, I will say that it was a bit odd how the students seemed confused by the boy putting his hands and feet in the dirt if he does it on a regular basis.

I'm looking forward to reading more of this.

[tomta20012]

Chapter 2
They had both walked so deep into the mountains that it was getting ridiculous.

Giant trees now surrounded them in all directions.

The girl knew that these woods were extremely dangerous.

Towns folk would often tell horrible stories of bears and wolves that ate small children for their breakfast here.

People went missing all the time in this place.

However even with the threat of bears and wolves the girl could not stop smiling.

The boy would keep disappearing in a blink. His image flicking ahead at unbelievable speeds.

He would then blink back at her side, still holding her hand.

She would keep looking at him, studying his face wondering what in the world he was.

"Where are we going?" She asked him.

"Here!" he said as they stepped out into a huge clearing.

"Wow!" she ran out into the sunlight and climbed up onto a gigantic boulder. She gazed around from the top.

The clearing was huge. Its was covered in grass and had a small pond with green lilly pads.

She looked up at the orange sun sinking below the tree line. The beauty of this place was breathtaking.

An owl flew over the children's heads and into the forest.

"Its getting dark! lets make a fire" said the girl rubbing her arms with her hands.

She turned her head away from the nodding boy and looked into the scary forest. She frowned at the noises coming from the dark places.

"I don't think that I would like to come into this forest by myself" said the girl.

She turned her head back to the boy and nearly jumped out of her skin!

The boy had already made two great piles of wood. One of kindling and the other of heavy logs.

The speed of the boy was absolutely mind blowing.

"Um ok..." she didn't know what else to say to him.

Was the boy growing in strength?

As if the he knew what she was thinking the boy knelt down and said, "the soil is very rich here.” He dug his hands into the black earth.

"I see..." said the girl nodding. "So, where should we make a fire?" she looked around the clearing.

"Over here" said the boy, "in the middle is best!"

The girl giggled "of course. How silly of me, you love the middle" she said a little sarcastically.

The boy sat down in the centre of the clearing. He picked up two sticks and started to rub them together. He rubbed them together so fast that a skilled Woodsman would have been impressed and shocked at the same time! The wood sprung into bright flames as if it had no other choice!

The two of them curled up into a ball next to the warm fire. The girl put a protective arm around her boy.

She whispered in to his ear, "something very weird is going on... don't you think?".

The boy didn't answer.

The girl waited patiently for him to respond but he was busy squirming as if trying to get into a comfortable position.

"Are you sticking your toes into the ground? AGAIN?" She said to him.

She could feel him trying to get at the dirt.

"Yeah, I cant help it" he replied.

She was so happy to be together with the boy that she didn't bother asking him any more questions.

She kissed him on his forehead and fell asleep. As she drifted off to sleep she could feel him still wide awake digging his feet into the ground.

She dreamt that she was flying through a black ocean of emptiness and in her hand she held the boy tightly. He was just a small egg.

In every direction the black empty ocean went on forever and ever!

Billions and billions of lights twinkled around her.

The next day the girl woke. The sun was high in the sky. She looked up at the boy.

The boy was standing with his arms stretching towards the sun.

The girl stood up and took a few steps backwards frowning.

His legs had sunk knee deep into the earth.

"This is just getting crazy!" The girl cried out. "What are you doing?" she demanded.

The boy just looked at her.

"Super speed is pretty cool but why in the world do you want to bury your self in the ground?!"

"Can we please go?" she tried to pull him out of the ground.

"No, no I cant I am stuck here now" he said.

"You are stuck?" She scratched her head.

"Wait... are you taller, including your buried legs you are much taller..."

She started to walk backwards again, away from the boy. This was very creepy she thought.

He immediately looked at her with scared eyes.

"Don't leave me! I need you to look after me" the boy pleaded.

A wave of guilt washed over her body, "I am so sorry" she said quickly.

The girl ran back over to him. She reached up and rubbed some dirt off his cheek.

"This is just a little weird for me" she said.

He looked at her. His eyes were very serious.

"You are not normal either" the boy suddenly accused her.

The girl's head snapped up looking him straight in the eyes! The boy continued.

"Don’t you think it is strange that you and I have not eaten since running away from the school?" He asked her.

"...and why do we both have no names!" he whispered very quietly.

Her back stiffened and her eyes were fearful.

He was right!

"How old are you? by the way," he asked.

"I am three years old." She said slowly.

"I think I am one." Said the boy.

"One year ago is as far back as I can remember. My first memory is of the library when that mean teacher found me naked. After that I just tried to blend in." He said.

The golden haired girl nodded. She put both her hands on the boy's shoulders and looked him dead straight into his eyes.

"I am going to go into the forest now and will search for a really big stick!

I am going to need it because I am going protect you. What ever you are, no matter what!”

A tear rolled down the boys cheek.

[tomta20012]

This is an odd little piece, but I like it :) You have a few minor conventions issues, but nothing a bit of proofreading can't fix.

I must admit I feel like I missed something. I'm assuming that what was happening there will be explained later... In any case, I will say that it was a bit odd how the students seemed confused by the boy putting his hands and feet in the dirt if he does it on a regular basis.

I'm looking forward to reading more of this.

i uploaded the second chapter, could u recommend a company that i can pay for proofreading, i wanna self publish to amazon

[Hwo Thumb]

This is kind of a long response, so forgive my verboseness, but I want to provide whatever constructive criticism I can. (I know how annoying it is when you get vague criticism that doesn't really help) Keep in mind that I am not a great writer, just someone with an interest in your story. These are some of my opinions.

Firstoff, I must admit, I'm a little confused. Your conventions seem to have slipped a bit more since the first post. I'm not sure whether you're breaking rules as a stylistic choice or breaking them because you don't know them. While I can't personally recommend an editor (Never been published :P), a quick google search (https://www.google.com/search?q=hire+an+editer+online&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&channel=sb#channel=sb&q=hire+an+editor+online&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&spell=1) turns up some promising-looking results for freelancing - just make sure you're extremely careful with your intellectual property. Obviously read the fine print if you end up hiring an editor. Saying, "If you editor stole your work and published it as his own, that would be bad!" is clearly a massive understatement.

To make things a tad bit easier on your editor, though, you may want to learn the rules yourself. There's quite a lot of said rules. (Everyone's bound to make grammar mistakes) but fixing up the major ones will make your work much more readable. A grammar nazi like myself is easily distracted by such mistakes.

A few quick notes:
Firstly, you do not need to add a line of whitespace between each sentence, only between each paragraph. Writing has to flow, and each time I see a blank line, that's signaling to me to take a pause, ever so slight. This can be distracting. New paragraphs are only when you switch to another speaker or topic. Now, I'm a pretty bad offender of the "Overuse newlines" habit, but keep in mind that it's fine on forums. In your completed work, you want to keep your paragraphs formatted correctly. (My work is a bad example, because I tend towards very dialogue heavy pieces, where almost every sentence is a new paragraph)

For example, I am by no means the best writer on this site, and I don't want my style to have too much of an influence on yours, but I would rewrite;
They had both walked so deep into the mountains that it was getting ridiculous.

Giant trees now surrounded them in all directions.

The girl knew that these woods were extremely dangerous.

Towns folk would often tell horrible stories of bears and wolves that ate small children for their breakfast here.

People went missing all the time in this place.

However even with the threat of bears and wolves the girl could not stop smiling.
and change it to something a little more substantial and less spread out. I've left this mostly the same, but the paragraph is more "full." To a certain extent, adding more description is always good. (Remember that your goal as a writer is to tell the story well enough that the audience can be there along with your characters. Don't just say, "They were in the woods." or something. What do the woods look like? What's the temperature/weather? What color are the trees? Is it daytime? Night? Dawn? Make us feel like we're there.)

A quick sample of what this might look like.

The two children had been walking for a long time, and their feet were growing sore. Giant trees surrounded them in all directions, their canopies blocking out the light from above, their arms stretching like dark tendrils toward the two small figures picking their way through the undergrowth. The girl shivered. They shouldn't be here. She knew that these woods were extremely dangerous. She had never dared to wander here herself, but the towns folk would often tell horrible stories of bears and wolves that ate small children for their breakfast. People went missing all the time in this place.

//new line, because you're moving onto a new topic.
But despite the threatening darkness of the forest, despite the chill in the air, despite the threat of wild animals, the girl couldn't suppress a smile.


While on the subject of, well, topics, your writing seems to have a habit of bouncing rapidly from one sentence to another. Matters that feel like they should have a paragraph or two devoted to them are compressed down to a few short sentences spread around. Make sure taht when you talk about something, you describe it for long enough that the audience gets a sense of what you're talking about before you just shoot on to the next subject. I felt like I was being rushed along.

Next exclamation marks. They are very powerful, and should be used with caution. Some authors don't even use them at all, and I make an effort to use them sparingly. Firstly, as a general rule, you want to reserve them for dialogue. When a character shouts, that might merit an exclamation mark. When a character has a violent thought; "What am I doing here? I want to go home! He thought to himself." that might be an example of when to use one. However, "The girl's head snapped up looking him straight in the eyes!" is a statement. Nobody is saying or thinking it, so it doesn't really need an exclamation mark. I guess the best way I can put it is that you don't need a ! to tell your audience something exciting is happening, only that someone is excited.

As far as grammar/punctuation goes, I'm mainly critiquing writing. Pay attention to it, because it will save you time when you need to do editing, but the ideas themselves are arguably more important than the capitalization and punctuation you use to express them.

I hope this was a little helpful. If not, go ahead and critique my critique :)

Best of luck on your story!

Edit: Quick question: What's the title of the thread mean? "T B discuss?"

[tomta20012]

This is kind of a long response, so forgive my verboseness, but I want to provide whatever constructive criticism I can. (I know how annoying it is when you get vague criticism that doesn't really help) Keep in mind that I am not a great writer, just someone with an interest in your story. These are some of my opinions.

Firstoff, I must admit, I'm a little confused. Your conventions seem to have slipped a bit more since the first post. I'm not sure whether you're breaking rules as a stylistic choice or breaking them because you don't know them. While I can't personally recommend an editor (Never been published :P), a quick google search (https://www.google.com/search?q=hire+an+editer+online&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&channel=sb#channel=sb&q=hire+an+editor+online&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&spell=1) turns up some promising-looking results for freelancing - just make sure you're extremely careful with your intellectual property. Obviously read the fine print if you end up hiring an editor. Saying, "If you editor stole your work and published it as his own, that would be bad!" is clearly a massive understatement.

To make things a tad bit easier on your editor, though, you may want to learn the rules yourself. There's quite a lot of said rules. (Everyone's bound to make grammar mistakes) but fixing up the major ones will make your work much more readable. A grammar nazi like myself is easily distracted by such mistakes.

A few quick notes:
Firstly, you do not need to add a line of whitespace between each sentence, only between each paragraph. Writing has to flow, and each time I see a blank line, that's signaling to me to take a pause, ever so slight. This can be distracting. New paragraphs are only when you switch to another speaker or topic. Now, I'm a pretty bad offender of the "Overuse newlines" habit, but keep in mind that it's fine on forums. In your completed work, you want to keep your paragraphs formatted correctly. (My work is a bad example, because I tend towards very dialogue heavy pieces, where almost every sentence is a new paragraph)

For example, I am by no means the best writer on this site, and I don't want my style to have too much of an influence on yours, but I would rewrite;
and change it to something a little more substantial and less spread out. I've left this mostly the same, but the paragraph is more "full." To a certain extent, adding more description is always good. (Remember that your goal as a writer is to tell the story well enough that the audience can be there along with your characters. Don't just say, "They were in the woods." or something. What do the woods look like? What's the temperature/weather? What color are the trees? Is it daytime? Night? Dawn? Make us feel like we're there.)

A quick sample of what this might look like.


While on the subject of, well, topics, your writing seems to have a habit of bouncing rapidly from one sentence to another. Matters that feel like they should have a paragraph or two devoted to them are compressed down to a few short sentences spread around. Make sure taht when you talk about something, you describe it for long enough that the audience gets a sense of what you're talking about before you just shoot on to the next subject. I felt like I was being rushed along.

Next exclamation marks. They are very powerful, and should be used with caution. Some authors don't even use them at all, and I make an effort to use them sparingly. Firstly, as a general rule, you want to reserve them for dialogue. When a character shouts, that might merit an exclamation mark. When a character has a violent thought; "What am I doing here? I want to go home! He thought to himself." that might be an example of when to use one. However, "The girl's head snapped up looking him straight in the eyes!" is a statement. Nobody is saying or thinking it, so it doesn't really need an exclamation mark. I guess the best way I can put it is that you don't need a ! to tell your audience something exciting is happening, only that someone is excited.

As far as grammar/punctuation goes, I'm mainly critiquing writing. Pay attention to it, because it will save you time when you need to do editing, but the ideas themselves are arguably more important than the capitalization and punctuation you use to express them.

I hope this was a little helpful. If not, go ahead and critique my critique :)

Best of luck on your story!

Edit: Quick question: What's the title of the thread mean? "T B discuss?"

Ty so so much! ! Ive haven't written any thing before, I can see your points clearly make sense.

This is a story th I used to tell my daughter, it was such a good story that I must put it on paper!! Ypu wonr believe the ending ay all, its bat sh*t crazy lol

I will start re-writing the story today

[tomta20012]

just if you are interested i re-wrote the first chapter, u were right it was so much more emotionally engaging do what ever i did differently, i hope its better...

Chapter 1
The boy walked out across the grass oval. As he walked the semi-dry grass crunched under his feet. While he walked he looked into the sun. The sunshine radiated his face. He finally reached the exact dead centre of the oval and stopped. He then did something that was extremely strange.

The other school children who were eating their lunch at the edge of the oval were now watching the boy with intense scrutiny. "He is doing it again!” A girl poked her friend who was sitting next to her. “What is he doing exactly? I can't really see. Is he looking for something?" The children whispered to each other.

The boy got down onto his hands and knees and started to wiggle his fingers into the earth. Deeper and deeper he plunged his fingers. He then kicked off his sandals and started to do the same with his toes. After the boy had pushed his fingers and toes deep enough into the soil he relaxed and looked up at the sun again. The boy remain in that position not moving for a long time. Finally he stood up and brushed the dirt off his knees. He then walked back across the oval to a golden haired girl who was waiting patiently for him.

The children who were watching him were now very perplexed. “Now, that is very weird.” One child grinned to his friend as he held a half eaten sandwich to his mouth. “He definitely wasn't looking for something.”

The boy now stood next to the golden haired girl on the edge of the oval. She looked down at him, since he was a lot shorter being much younger. "Why do u always do that?" she whispered looking around. She adjusted his collar and then started to pick bits of grass from his shirt.

"Do what?" the boy looked at her in surprise.

The girl raised one eye brow and studied the boy's innocent looking face for a few seconds. "Well, at lunch time you always walk out into the middle of the oval and stick your fingers into the ground....." she paused looking for a reaction on his face. The boy didn't seem to understand judging by his blank stare, so she continued. "I think it is very strange" she said to him bluntly. She plucked the last piece of grass from his brown hair.

"Yeah..." said the boy. "Now that you mention it... I do suppose that it is a little strange."

The girl raised both her eyebrows at him. "A little?" She chuckled.

The boy looked away from her "I don't know why I do it, but how about you. Why are you always following-".

The lunch bell suddenly rang and the boy stopped speaking for a few seconds. He then continued, "we have our sports class now" he said. "I am really looking forward to sports today!”

The girl interrupted "Another thing," said the girl. "Why do you always have to do it, in exactly the middle of the oval?" she called after him.

The boy was already walking to sports class. "I need a lot of room," he called back to her.

"Room?" She was running to catch up. "Room for what?"

The boy and girl walked further down the oval together, to meet their teacher for sports class. The sports teacher had already arrived and was laying out orange marker hats on the oval. The rest of the students started to arrive. Every one seemed very cheerful. Sports class was very popular among the students.

"We are going to have a running race today," the sports teacher said without looking up from a clip board. "Make sure you all stretch please!.”

After everybody had done their stretches and all the students had lined up at the starting line. The sports teacher raised his arm into the air and fired a cap gun. With a loud pop the race started. That is when the boy did something else that was extremely strange for the second time that day.

The boy rocketed off the starting line as if he had literally exploded from a canon. His small body was moving around the oval so fast that it was a blur. All the children staggered to a stop and now stood watching in disbelief as the boy practically flew around the oval and back to the starting line in mere seconds. The boy stopped at the finishing line and was not even panting. He was now standing with an eerily straight posture and was looking straight up into the sun, again!

Somebody coughed. The boy looked away from the sun and saw that everyone was staring at him. There was a complete silence. Nobody said a word. A crow cawed behind the boy so he looked behind himself, just to check that it wasn't something else that they were looking at. He then looked back at them and threw his arms up in confusion.

"What?" said the boy.

Every one flinched in fear as he threw up his hands.

That's when golden haired girl suddenly ran over to the boy. She grabbed his hand and hissed at him "I think we've gotta go... now!" She launched into a run straight out of the school gate and then down the road, sort of half dragging the boy behind her.

The children and the sports teacher looked even more baffled. The teacher suddenly called out to them. "Hey, you can't leave the school grounds" The teacher ran after the kids but they were both long gone.

The two children jogged down the back allies through the town still holding hands. The girl chose a path that was least likely to have people on it. "You have to tell me who you are. Or what you are" the girl said. She looked back at the boy running behind her.

After a short pause an unexpected answer suddenly came from the boy. "I have to go into the mountains" he said.

"The mountains?" the girl repeated slowly. She was shaking and nodding her head at the same time. After a moment of thought the girl relaxed and smiled a big beaming smile. She didn't know why, she couldn't explain it. Something suddenly just seemed so perfectly right. She looked back to the boy again. Then she completely stopped running and turned to face him. Staring into his eyes she smiled warmly at him. She took the boy's other hand in to hers. "Yes" she said. "Lets go to the mountains." The girl had goose bumps all over her body. They both changed direction towards the mountains that loomed over the small country town, then hand in hand they disappeared into the dark foreboding forest.

Something was going to happen in the mountains, something really big and the world would never be the same!

[108 fountains]

Ah, I like this very much. I like the way you started off with some strange, but believable occurrences before you moved the story to the realm of the unbelievable. By that time, you had me hooked and I was ready to follow the story wherever it went. The plot is really creative and original; I hope I will not be disappointed with the ending.

Re-writing chapter one in paragraph form was a big improvement. Please do the same for the rest of the story. There are a few places where the writing is not particularly strong, for example, "They had both walked so deep into the mountains that it was getting ridiculous," and the entire thing is done in simple declarative sentences, but I'm okay with that because it comes across that way as a story for children. But unless I miss my guess, I'm expecting (and hoping) that by the end, this will be one of those stories that, while written for children, will be meaningful to adults too.

[Hwo Thumb]

Much improved! I like the last paragraph in particular. Everyone loves that feeling of anticipation, like something special is about to happen but you just can't put your finger on what.

[tomta20012]

I re-wrote the second chapter and am now working on the rest of the book

Chapter 2
Giant trees now surrounded them in all directions. The vast lush canopy above cast the forest into a deep shadow. Beneath their feet was a soft carpet of moist leaves and other decaying plant debris. The forest smelt wonderful to the children. They climbed over a large fallen tree. The girl tried her best not to destroy the cute mushrooms and other fungi that decorated it.

It seemed as if they had been walking for an eternity. They were so deep into the mountains now that it was getting ridiculous. The girl knew that these woods were extremely dangerous too. The local Town folk would often tell horrible stories of bears and wolves that ate small children for their breakfast here. People went missing all the time in this place.

However even with the threat of bears and wolves the girl could not stop smiling. She looked at the boy with a side long glance wondering what he really was. The girl jumped in surprise as the boy suddenly disappeared in a blink. His image flicking ahead at an unbelievable speed. The woods now seemed very dark and scary instead of magical and mysterious now that she was alone. She held her arms and followed in the direction of the boy.

A large frog croaked loudly at her. The girl screamed out in fear at the harmless green animal. She stared angrily at the frog sitting a giant fern leaf. “Go and jump off a cliff” she said meanly to the frog. Then after adjusting her hair and recuperating her courage, she knelt down by it.

Most children could not resist the temptation of a frog. After a few minutes of commotion she continued walking with her slimy captive.

The boy suddenly blinked back at her side, still holding her hand. The boy suddenly let go of her hand in shock. The girl held up the fog with a mischievous grin on her face. “What is that.” Said the boy wiping his hand on the ground.

“It's a frog silly, haven't you ever seen one before?”

The boy looked closely at the slimy creature. “Nope, never,” the boy replied as he reached out taking it from her. He held it up to his eyes in wonder.

"Where are we going?" She asked him, It will be dark soon and I want to find a safe place to rest.

"Just up here!" The boy jogged ahead beckoning the girl to follow. They ran through the forest jumping over obstacles and wading through streams. A large deer with her fawn bolted away from the two children who were running through the forest. They finally burst out into an immense clearing.

"Wow!" the girl exclaimed as she walked out into the sunlight. There was a massive boulder sitting not far away. The girl wasted no time at all climbing to the top of the grey moss covered giant. She gazed around from the top.

The clearing was huge. Its was covered in tall grass and had a small pond with green lilly pads. The boy ran over to the pond and released the frog into its new home.

She looked up at the orange sun sinking below the tree line. The beauty of this place was breathtaking. She sat down cross legged atop her giant rock. Both children watched an owl fly over their heads into the forest.

"Its getting dark! lets make a fire" said the girl rubbing her arms with her hands. She turned her head away from the nodding boy and looked back into the scary forest. She frowned at the noises coming from the dark places. "I don't think that I would like to come into this forest by myself" said the girl. She turned her head back to the boy and nearly jumped out of her skin! The boy had already made two great piles of wood. One of kindling and the other of heavy logs. The speed of the boy was absolutely mind blowing. "Um ok..." she didn't know what else to say to him. Was the boy growing in strength?

As if the he knew what she was thinking the boy knelt down and said, "the soil is very rich here.” He dug his hands into the black earth.

"I see..." said the girl nodding pretending to know exactly what in the world he was saying to her. "So... where should we make a fire?" she looked around the clearing.

"Over here" said the boy, "in the middle is best!"

The girl giggled "of course. How silly of me, you love the middle," she said a little sarcastically.

The boy sat down in the centre of the clearing. He picked up two sticks and started to rub them together. He rubbed them together so fast that a skilled Woodsman would have been impressed and shocked at the same time! The wood sprung into bright flames as if it had no other choice! The boy set whole the pile of kindling on fire.

The girl laughed at him. “I said a fire, as in a camp fire, not bonfire.”

The boy turned his head slightly back towards the girl smiling. He then through some heavy logs on the inferno.

The girl laughed again. The two of them curled up into a ball next to the roaring bonfire. The girl put a protective arm around her boy.

She whispered in to his ear, "something very weird is going on... don't you think?.” The boy didn't answer. The girl waited patiently for him to respond but he was busy squirming as if trying to get into a comfortable position. "Are you sticking your toes into the ground? AGAIN?" She said to him. She could feel him trying to get at the dirt.

"Yeah, I cant help it" he grunted as he tossed and turned next to the girl, as if in a war with himself. He seemed like he was struggling with the choice of snuggling up to the girl or snuggling up to the ground below.

She was so happy to be together with the boy that she didn't bother asking him any more questions. She kissed him on his forehead and fell asleep. As she drifted off to sleep she could feel him still wide awake digging his feet into the ground. “What ever” she thought to her self she was too tired to think about anything more.

Soon she was fast asleep. She dreamt that she was flying through a black ocean of emptiness and in her hand she held the boy tightly. He was just a tiny egg. In every direction the black empty ocean went on forever and ever! Billions and billions of lights twinkled around her. The next day the girl woke. The sun was high in the sky. She looked up at the boy. The boy was standing with his arms stretching towards the sun. The girl stood up and took a few steps backwards frowning. His legs had sunk knee deep into the earth.

"This is just getting crazy!" The girl cried out. "What are you doing?" she demanded.

The boy just looked at her.

"Super speed is pretty cool but why in the world do you want to bury your self in the ground?!" "Can we please go?" she tried to pull him out of the ground.

"No, no I cant, I am stuck here now." He said.

"You are stuck?" She scratched her head. "Wait... are you taller too, including your buried legs you are much taller..." She started to walk backwards again, away from the boy. This was very creepy; she thought.

He immediately looked at her with scared eyes."Don't leave me! I need you to look after me" the boy pleaded. A wave of guilt washed over her body, "I am so sorry" she said quickly. The girl ran back over to him. She reached up and rubbed some dirt off his cheek. "This is just a little weird for me" she said.

He looked at her. His eyes were very serious. "You are not normal either" the boy suddenly accused her. The girl's head snapped up looking him straight in the eyes! The boy continued. "Don’t you think it is strange that you and I have not eaten since running away from the school?" He asked her. "...and why do we both have no names!" he whispered very quietly.

Her back stiffened and her eyes were fearful. He was right!

"How old are you? by the way," he asked.

"I am three years old." She said slowly.

"I think I am one." Said the boy. "One year ago is as far back as I can remember. My first memory is of the library when that mean teacher found me naked. After that I just tried to blend in." He said.

The golden haired girl nodded. She put both her hands on the boy's shoulders and looked him dead straight into his eyes. "I am going to go into the forest now and will search for a really big stick!

I am going to need it because I am going protect you. What ever you are, no matter what!”

A tear rolled down the boys cheek.

[tomta20012]

Ah, I like this very much. I like the way you started off with some strange, but believable occurrences before you moved the story to the realm of the unbelievable. By that time, you had me hooked and I was ready to follow the story wherever it went. The plot is really creative and original; I hope I will not be disappointed with the ending.

Re-writing chapter one in paragraph form was a big improvement. Please do the same for the rest of the story. There are a few places where the writing is not particularly strong, for example, "They had both walked so deep into the mountains that it was getting ridiculous," and the entire thing is done in simple declarative sentences, but I'm okay with that because it comes across that way as a story for children. But unless I miss my guess, I'm expecting (and hoping) that by the end, this will be one of those stories that, while written for children, will be meaningful to adults too.

The ending will blow ur mind!

And the second book will rub will take the story some where crazy I re-wrote the second chapter for u

[tomta20012]

Much improved! I like the last paragraph in particular. Everyone loves that feeling of anticipation, like something special is about to happen but you just can't put your finger on what.

thank you so much for your help, i was walking blind until you helped me, i re-wrote the second chapter, i think its much better