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twist
04-12-2014, 07:02 PM
It was a dark November evening in 1947. A man carrying a briefcase and umbrella tipped his hat at his neighbour who was also on his way home. All the bay windows in the street were dimly lit or not at all. A tall, slim shadow was cast as he passed under a streetlight. The man climbed the few steps to his front door, turned the key and turning round looked up at the charcoal sky before stepping in and shutting the door behind him.

The black cat crouched on the wall opposite watched as he went in. Shortly, a pale, crescent moon made a brief appearance from behind a smoky cloud. The cat continued to watch as a light came on in the front room and another bay window in the street indicated occupancy.
It was an hour later when the living room light extinguished and the man stepped out again. The night had cleared and the crescent moon followed his thin frame as he took long, quick strides towards the main road, his footsteps echoing in the stillness.

He hesitated, stopping behind a tree as he approached the local police station. He’d never been inside a police station before; he was a respectable, law-abiding citizen. He had of course considered phoning the police but he didn’t want the operator to listen to, well, rather sensitive information.
The police station looked shabby from the outside and was poorly lit. One of the lights on the wall was broken. After a few moments of deliberation he went inside. A drunk was being propped up by two police officers. He was a big chap so it wasn’t easy. “Why do us two always get the fat drunks?” one complained to the other.

The man cleared his throat and spoke to the police clerk.” I wish to report a - a kidnapping. A rare and very expensive black and white Manx cat was stolen from my house today. Nothing else was taken. My cat is never out in the day and is fed by my neighbour. She left my house at 3pm today. I got home at 6pm so the cat was taken between 3pm and 6pm.”
Well this gives ‘cat burglar’ a new meaning quipped the police clerk.
The man looked at him coldly causing the police clerk to look down and mutter an apology.
“I hadn’t finished. About 6:30 I received a phone call from a man, his voice obviously disguised, demanding a,” he paused, drawing his breath in sharply “one thousand pound ransom. He wants the money in three days. My cat is a very rare breed and is all I got from a very wealthy aunt when she died. I was her only nephew and this was her favourite cat.”

“Name?” enquired the police clerk chewing the end of a short, blunt pencil.”
“Smith” replied the man.

“Well Mr Smith,we’ll need your neighbour’s statement and a couple of police officers will be round your house first thing,” he said looking up after finishing writing the statement.

Early the next morning, Mrs Cooper heard a knock at the door. She was a rotund, short woman with curly brown hair and a friendly manner. She patted her hair and smoothed down her apron. Two policemen stood there as she expected.

“Come in officers – it’s about the cat next door isn’t it? Poor little thing. I was quite attached to Pearl having fed her every day for six months. No, no pets of my own. Yes, Mr Smith paid a shilling a week for feeding the cat. Of course, yesterday I just fed Pearl at 3 o clock as usual. I was careful to lock the door behind me. No, I hadn’t noticed anything anyone suspicious in the street or unusual noise next door. I did go to the post office – must have been between 4 and half past."

Next the police officers went to Mr Smith’s house. The back door lock was damaged and seemed to be forced open with a jemmy. The back door led to an alley way which ran behind the street. A black cat sat on the top of the fence and watched intently with deep green eyes as the officers searched for clues.
“One of them nudged the other, “This one looks like it has something to tell us. If only animals could talk!” They searched the alley and found an expensive looking leather cat collar behind a bin.



(I'm planning to end it with the cat not existing and Smith and the neighbour trying to make money out a fake insurance claim - he works in an insurance company) Grateful for any comments

Armaane_Writes
04-16-2014, 10:39 AM
Hmm, good idea for the ending. I really like this short story and can't wait to read the finished product!

108 fountains
04-19-2014, 04:06 PM
I liked it too. I like the style of narration. It really reads like a mystery, like Father Brown or Sherlock Holmes. There are many directions you could go with this; your idea of a false insurance claim could be a good one, but for a sizeable insurance policy on a cat, wouldn't the insurance company want to have had someone actually see the cat, maybe have a couple photographs, etc.? (I don't know - I'm not in the insurance business, but it just seems to me...)

I think you could do a lot more with this than what you have done so far. Mr. Smith, the policeman, and Mrs. Cooper all are engaging characters and I hope you will develop each of them a little more - also the black cat, which is sitting across the street from the front door at the beginning and then moves to the alley behind the back door at the end - having the cat there is a nice touch, and I hope you do more with that interesting little feeling, too.

I'm not sure about giving the year 1947 in the first sentence unless you are planning to use something later on in the story that makes that particular year or era relevant.

teggie
04-21-2014, 04:32 AM
You've got a good start I must say. The theme has got an erie vibe to it, but with the use of evironment and humour filler, you provide a comfortable feeling for the reader. If you aren't aware, this could make it easy for you to invoke the twist in the story without readers being expectant of it. I like your style of writing, simple yet interesting enough for a short story.

Look forward to the rest.

twist
05-03-2014, 07:34 PM
Many thanks Armaane, 108 fountains and teggie for your positive comments and advice. I haven't been on the forum for a while - hence the delay in my reply. I hope to finish 'Black and white' soon and will post it.

twist
05-07-2014, 08:34 PM
They took it to forensics. So far the signs had pointed to a professional pet kidnapping so unsurprisingly no fingerprints were found. No damage had been done to the collar, nor was there any blood or fur on it.

Meanwhile, Mr Smith had the ransom to pay the the following evening. He had even received another call. A very short and brutal one this time. The man said that his precious cat would die if he didn’t hand over the money. Then he heard Pearl meowing piteously in the background before the phone went dead. His voice shook slightly as he told a police officer of this latest development. “I don’t have the money myself but I did have Pearl insured as she’s so valuable. I've heard of other pet kidnappings especially since the the war which is why the company where I work introduced pet insurance.”

Mr Smith worked for a large insurance company in the West End of London. Pearl had been insured by his company two years previously. She was in fact one of the very first pets insured there.
“What’s wrong, Smith?” asked his manager, Mr Lane, observing his anxious expression. He was a large man in his fifties and appeared suitably distinguished with a handlebar moustache and a Saville Row suit.
“Pearl’s been kidnapped! I have to pay a thousand pound ransom tomorrow or they might kill her,” he replied emotionally. He sat heavily into his chair and buried his head in his hands.

“What are you worried about? Your cat’s insured. I’ll get your cheque drawn up straight away and you can dash to the bank. We can’t let anything happen to that beautiful Manx cat of yours.” reassured his manager.
Mr Smith nodded. Mr Lane was very efficient and promptly issued him the insurance cheque. “You better get to the bank, old chap. Good luck!”

Mr Smith took the cheque to the bank to cash it. The cashier called the manager as the cheque was for such a large amount of money. Mr Smith explained all about the kidnapping while the manager listened with a sympathetic expression.
"I don't know what I'd do if it was my Duchess. What is the world coming to?" he said, shaking his head. "Just give me a few minutes."
He then called Mr Smith into a small office at the back and counted out the cash which was carefully placed in a briefcase.
"Well I hope you get your cat back,"
"I can't thank you enough," replied Mr Smith shaking his hand.
A taxi was waiting for him outside to take him home.

(To be continued)