The Last Emergency

[Antix]

This is just a quick flash sci-fi I wrote. I try to do about one of these every week or two and edit them up for practice. There is supposed to be an inherent mystery so I'm looking for any feedback as far as what's confusing, what needs to be added, taken away, emotion etc. I know it still needs work, but I need to know where I'm at so far.


Why wouldn’t they stay inside? A renegade drop of sweat slid from my armpits down my nakedness in a cold hurry. From the brush I could see them arguing outside their downed ship. They have no idea where they are.

It was a nice day I suppose. Maybe they wanted to enjoy it. The merciless sun beat down on the forest’s green roof and covered them with hot shade.

They were lucky for many things, minus the one that were arguing over. First, they found the forest. There couldn’t be but a few left on the planet. Second, they landed in a clear space. Third, I’d found them first. Their luck ended there. He could hear the shadow of her voice whispering to him. Alive if possible, dead if necessary…

After the heat of the argument and the day wore them out, they retreated to their ship. I waited too long! I always wait too long. She’s always right…

Discouraged, but I crept toward the ship nonetheless, a noiseless master of the terrain. Twigs, branches, leaves and sticks snapped in silent screams under my bare feet. I waited for hours, quiet. They’re still here! Something must be very wrong.

The sun reached her apex and began her week long journey to the horizon. The door slammed open and they both jumped out in an angry flash. They yelled, punched the ship’s hull and gestured in solar fueled frenzy. No. They definitely don’t know where they are. They would be quieter…

They spoke in the ancestral tones. Oh, if she could hear this! She’d mate with me right here and now! No. No she wouldn’t, not yet…

I hadn’t heard the notes in a long time and I only had a short time to re-learn. I moved my lips and throat in silent practice. Their noises flushed through my ears and fueled my comprehension.

…an EMERGENCY!!! I heard one declare.

…Indeed, but your last.

I stepped from the brush into the green, sun-soaked clearing. The intruders flew to their feet in quick panic and pointed an odd looking object at me.

“Must c-c-come w-w-wwith me. D-d-d-ddddanger”

“I don’t think so buddy. Don’t step any clo-“

A hunter flashed, grabbed him by the neck and crushed it with cruel squeeze. I launched and grabbed the other’s leg. A quick snap followed by a murderous howl. My hands caught his cries, shoved them back into his mouth and covered them from escaping. The noise sure to send others. QUIET!!

The hunter stared at me with a tooth filled snarl as he backed away toward the brush dragging his game by its dead arm. We both agreed. One is better than none.

“Q-q-q-quuiett!! Y-y-yyou wil sssurvivve! I c-c-cccan help!”

The scream saturated sobs would not stop. With his head in my hands, a quick turn to the left ended the discussion.

I was sorrowful for the first half of the trip back. But then I remembered her promise. We will mate until the sun sets…

[Antix]

Revised. Not sure anyone's reading, but i think this a better version.



Perched high on a sturdy branch, our friend marveled at the intruders’ precarious fortune. He monkeyed from branch to branch through a tangled green maze of thick leaves and brush to peer at them arguing outside their broken ship. The intruders tight roped the border between likely and more likely death by landing in the hard green clearing instead of the dusty sun scorched wasteland sleeping lifelessly just beyond their reach.

The green forest canopy growled with hunger as silent competition rustled branches that inched closer and closer toward the shipwreck. He maneuvered through a shredded ship’s rusty carcass, caught forever high in the branches of the forest, which shielded him from invisible eyes with its aluminum bones.

The shadow of her voice slithered through our friend’s ears.

…and we will mate until the sun sets.

After the sun and anger exhausted their energy and the oasis had lost its magic, the intruders surrendered to their ship. Spidery fingers gripped our friend’s heart as they climbed the steps and gave his gut a hearty twist with the clang of the shutting hatch. They were bait, he thought, a trap devised by the sun herself to test his will and crush it with godly indifference. He was stung again by the poisonous laughter of the stronger and smarter men he left behind, who ridiculed his mission and touched her in ways he only imagined. He climbed down the soldier tree’s leg, his hopes strangled and lifeless.

He crept toward their sanctuary nonetheless, a noiseless master of the terrain. Twigs, branches, leaves and sticks snapped with silent screams under his bare feet. While the sun climbed one full rung he waited, quiet. Doubt’s toxin made him hope that they would ascend toward the solar embrace and release him from impossible desires. The ship never budged and they couldn’t have realized they shot desperation into the sky with an invisible flare.

The door slammed open and they both leapt out in an angry flash. They yelled, punched the ship’s hull and gestured in sun fueled frenzy. The hungry buzz galloped steadily closer.

He hadn’t heard the notes they spoke in a long time, not since backyard baseball games and summer picnics eons ago. He had only seconds to re-learn. He moved his lips and throat in silent rehearsal

…an EMERGENCY!!! He heard one fire.

He stepped from the bushes into the green, sun-soaked clearing. The intruders flew to their feet with an exaggerated panic and pointed their rifles at him.

“Must c-c-come w-w-wwith me. D-d-d-ddddanger”

“I don’t think so buddy. Don’t step any clo-“

A hunter flashed, grabbed the noise maker by the neck and crushed it with cruel squeeze. Our friend launched and grabbed the other’s leg. A loud snap followed by a murderous howl. His sweaty hands caught the man’s fleeing cries and confined them back in their terror stricken cell.

Our hunters stared at each other. The other backed away toward the brush with a toothy snarl, dragging his game by its dead arm. They both agreed. One is better than none.

“Q-q-q-quuiett!! Y-y-yyou wil sssurvivve! I c-c-cccan help!”

The scream saturated sobs would not stop. With his head in our friend’s hands, a quick turn to the left ended the discussion.

He was sorrowful for the first half of the trip back to base. But then he remembered her promise. We will mate until the sun sets…

[Calidore]

I thought the idea and execution were both interesting. I think the modifiers could be trimmed a bit, as sometimes they felt like showing off rather than adding anything. You do have some nice turns of phrase.

Just curious, why did you change from first person to third in the revision? In the second version, you do need to get rid of all the fourth-wall breaking "our"s, though (our friend, our hunter, etc.).

Looking forward to more posts from you.

[AuntShecky]

Who are "they" and "he" and "she"? Usually pronouns have antecedents, such as proper names or at least a description of the people we're reading about. Other than that, the story seems okay.

[108 fountains]

The revised version is much better than the first - it's better in the third person, and the writing in the second version is just better overall. Still, I had to read it a couple of times to figure out what was going on, and even then it doesn't make sense to me why the narrator first tries to warn the intruders, then saves one of them only to finally kill him. Maybe that's the "inherent mystery." I don't mind stories that force the reader to do some thinking, but in this case, I couldn't figure out the reason for the change in the narrator's behaviour.

[Antix]

Thanks for the critiques! Greatly appreciated!

To Calidore. I originally wrote it in third person, then I experimented and changed it to first. I knew I didn't like it, but I posted it anyway. It sounds better to me in third and was the way it should be in my opinion. I'll re work the fourth walls and see what i can do there and do some trimming. That'll probably help me add some things that can make the story clearer.

To Aunt Shecky. I stayed away from names and descriptions purposefully for a couple reasons. First, there was an inherent mystery I was trying to create. Also, I was trying to stay under 500-600 words. So "The Intruders" are "they", but I didn't want to spend too much time describing them to stay under word count, but just had them be angry and desperate. "He" I just decided to keep nameless and tried to describe him through his motivations and thoughts. "She", supposed to be a part of the mystery and the main motivation for the main character for doing what he's doing. Edit: After re-reading with your comment in mind I'll probably name the main character, it is pretty confusing with all the pronouns. This leads me to...

To108 fountains. Yeah, like I said to AuntShecky, I was going for a mystery which was implemented because I was trying not to go over 600 words. I myself know why he tried to save, then killed one, but I'm still working to make that clear in further revisions while staying under my word count. I'm basically tying to train myself to say as much as quickly as possible so I'm working hard to stay under it. Now, you said you had to read it a couple of times. Besides the confusion behind the main character's actions, what else was confusing about the story? My wife said the same thing, but she didn't give specific feedback.

Once again, thanks guys!

[108 fountains]

Hi Antix,

Well, the second version was definitely much easier to follow than the first. But even in the second version, there were a couple of passages that originally left me puzzled:

“They were bait, he thought, a trap devised by the sun herself to test his will and crush it with godly indifference. He was stung again by the poisonous laughter of the stronger and smarter men he left behind, who ridiculed his mission and touched her in ways he only imagined.” – At first, I really didn’t know what this meant. After reading it a third time, what I think I understand is that he doesn’t want to kill anyone, but that he and the other people in his group (who apparently have also been stranded on the island for years) are desperately hungry (you mention hunger a couple of times, which is a good hint) and so they have turned to cannibalism. That would explain why they are “bait” and a test of “his will.”

“Doubt’s toxin made him hope that they would ascend toward the solar embrace and release him from impossible desires. The ship never budged and they couldn’t have realized they shot desperation into the sky with an invisible flare.” - Again after reading this passage once more, I’m thinking that perhaps he was hoping they would sail away again because their very presence was a temptation to kill them.

So I am guessing that the “she” may be the only female in his group, and that his bringing back the “game” will ensure his chance to mate with her – and I am guessing that this is the mystery. If my guess is correct, then you’ve done a good job at presenting a mystery for the reader to solve. I like this kind of story, but for sure it is not easy to gauge how much to tell the reader, how many and what kind of clues to give, and how much to leave for the reader to figure out on his/her own. I’m a little slow sometimes, so other readers maybe figured it out before I did :)

Oh – and I’m thinking that the reason he changed his mind is that the person he had captured continued to scream, which would only attract other hunters, so he decided to just go ahead and finish the job himself, and then reap its rewards – am I right?

[Antix]

Yup! You're pretty much spot on with everything. In my most revised draft I have a couple sentences and things that make it a bit more clear, but I do like that you had to think about it and kinda gauge what was going on a bit. That's pretty much what I was going for and you did a good job of picking up what I was trying to imply. My main thing is just making sure the plot of the story is clear ie hunting, killing, bringing back. Thanks for reading and helping me out!