H_Nicholls
03-30-2014, 08:13 AM
I wrote this short story in my first year of sixth form, I aim to go on to study English at university in September, and i've never really had much experience with original/creative writing, i've solely written essays with an argument. So I was hoping to get some feedback from a wider audience as to whether this has/had any potential as the only person that has read it is my AS English Literature teacher, which you can't always solely rely on. Please, be brutally honest...
“Come on, you need to do this” I looked up to the figure which stood above me. Her tall, slim frame acting as my support, she placed her hand on my knee hoping to fill me with courage, how little it worked, I just wanted to walk away from this nightmare, to go back; back to happiness.
October. I looked into his oceans, his mesmerising eyes I had seen so many times since, and had memorised the detail. He leaned towards me, allowing me to embrace the smell of his cologne surrounding my being. His smile, one I grew to love sharpened as I answered his questions correctly, as I began to feel my cheeks rise of an unfamiliar heat I saw satisfaction take over his being.
I watched as the woman walked away, dressed all in black, towards a large brown desk. I drew my attention towards the small window cracked above her head; I watched as the rain trickled down over the bare trees, I could hear the woman’s shoes tapping against the marble floor.
January. “shh” he whispered placing one finger to my lips, as we were locked in a cupboard. It was a pit of darkness with a faint source of light being from the long corridor connecting each classroom, beaming in through the cracks of the door. I stepped back, bumping into something solid, he moved closer, enclosing me between him and the sharp metal I could feel digging into my back. I couldn’t stop myself. I let out a slight moan in pain. “shh” he repeated just as the tap of the footsteps outside came to an abrupt stop, blocking the sun from beaming in. We both stood still, our chests pumping, the tension rising, there was more movement outside, and then nothing. We relaxed in sync, a sigh of relief filling the air. He leant down smiling into my eyes, kissing me on the cheek. “Close” he whispered.
Now, the door in front of me was entirely different, although it protected me, we were two sides of it. I felt uncomfortable facing it alone. Against him. I wrapped my arms around my body, caging myself from what was to come. The two men that stood either side of the entrance looked down at me emitting the warmth I no longer searched for or appreciated. My eyes skimmed over them and back towards the castled doors, pinching my eyes shut to clear my thoughts I gently nodded my head “it’s going to be alright” was the last familiar voice I remember hearing from somewhere behind me.
Looking around the room I realised its interior was not much different from the previous rooms I had seen in the building. Brown, polished, neat and filled with people. Instead though the sounds of the voices weren’t caring, they were booming, demanding attention and answers I wasn’t happy handing over. “Did you ever enter the defendants’ home?” The woman in front of me now asked.
April. I walked through the door as he led the way further into his home. The fresh smell of roses filled my lungs instantly. I smiled as I walked up to them, dropping my school bag down onto one of the chairs scattering the room. I picked one up, feeling the soft petals brush along my fingers. I spun back around to see him at the fire, sleeves rolled up loading it with logs, ready for the flames to engulf the wood and share its warmth. I watched him as he stood up, and swiftly walked to the music player, hitting play allowing the soft notes of music fill the room as he came towards me.
“Am I correct in saying you’re sixteen now?”
“Yes” I replied reluctantly.
“And your month of birth being when?”
“July”
“And lastly how many months have passed since you have conceived?”
I turned my attention back towards him, he was facing me; he looked exhausted, his eyes weary, his hair longer, he looked as though he hadn’t shaved in weeks. I could see the ounce of hope he had gradually diminish, as he saw his life being taken away. I felt a tear run down my cheek as we continued to look at each other.
“I’ll repeat that. How many months has it been since you conceived?” my attention snapped away and back to the woman questioning me. “Can I remind you, you’re under oath” I looked towards the doors, guards everywhere, people watching me from all angles there was no way out. I looked back to him. “6 months” I whispered, and then repeated louder. That was the last time I saw his face, he never looked up again and I never saw those eyes I loved. The rest of the day passed in a blur, they needed no more information than that. It was over.
“Come on, you need to do this” I looked up to the figure which stood above me. Her tall, slim frame acting as my support, she placed her hand on my knee hoping to fill me with courage, how little it worked, I just wanted to walk away from this nightmare, to go back; back to happiness.
October. I looked into his oceans, his mesmerising eyes I had seen so many times since, and had memorised the detail. He leaned towards me, allowing me to embrace the smell of his cologne surrounding my being. His smile, one I grew to love sharpened as I answered his questions correctly, as I began to feel my cheeks rise of an unfamiliar heat I saw satisfaction take over his being.
I watched as the woman walked away, dressed all in black, towards a large brown desk. I drew my attention towards the small window cracked above her head; I watched as the rain trickled down over the bare trees, I could hear the woman’s shoes tapping against the marble floor.
January. “shh” he whispered placing one finger to my lips, as we were locked in a cupboard. It was a pit of darkness with a faint source of light being from the long corridor connecting each classroom, beaming in through the cracks of the door. I stepped back, bumping into something solid, he moved closer, enclosing me between him and the sharp metal I could feel digging into my back. I couldn’t stop myself. I let out a slight moan in pain. “shh” he repeated just as the tap of the footsteps outside came to an abrupt stop, blocking the sun from beaming in. We both stood still, our chests pumping, the tension rising, there was more movement outside, and then nothing. We relaxed in sync, a sigh of relief filling the air. He leant down smiling into my eyes, kissing me on the cheek. “Close” he whispered.
Now, the door in front of me was entirely different, although it protected me, we were two sides of it. I felt uncomfortable facing it alone. Against him. I wrapped my arms around my body, caging myself from what was to come. The two men that stood either side of the entrance looked down at me emitting the warmth I no longer searched for or appreciated. My eyes skimmed over them and back towards the castled doors, pinching my eyes shut to clear my thoughts I gently nodded my head “it’s going to be alright” was the last familiar voice I remember hearing from somewhere behind me.
Looking around the room I realised its interior was not much different from the previous rooms I had seen in the building. Brown, polished, neat and filled with people. Instead though the sounds of the voices weren’t caring, they were booming, demanding attention and answers I wasn’t happy handing over. “Did you ever enter the defendants’ home?” The woman in front of me now asked.
April. I walked through the door as he led the way further into his home. The fresh smell of roses filled my lungs instantly. I smiled as I walked up to them, dropping my school bag down onto one of the chairs scattering the room. I picked one up, feeling the soft petals brush along my fingers. I spun back around to see him at the fire, sleeves rolled up loading it with logs, ready for the flames to engulf the wood and share its warmth. I watched him as he stood up, and swiftly walked to the music player, hitting play allowing the soft notes of music fill the room as he came towards me.
“Am I correct in saying you’re sixteen now?”
“Yes” I replied reluctantly.
“And your month of birth being when?”
“July”
“And lastly how many months have passed since you have conceived?”
I turned my attention back towards him, he was facing me; he looked exhausted, his eyes weary, his hair longer, he looked as though he hadn’t shaved in weeks. I could see the ounce of hope he had gradually diminish, as he saw his life being taken away. I felt a tear run down my cheek as we continued to look at each other.
“I’ll repeat that. How many months has it been since you conceived?” my attention snapped away and back to the woman questioning me. “Can I remind you, you’re under oath” I looked towards the doors, guards everywhere, people watching me from all angles there was no way out. I looked back to him. “6 months” I whispered, and then repeated louder. That was the last time I saw his face, he never looked up again and I never saw those eyes I loved. The rest of the day passed in a blur, they needed no more information than that. It was over.