Ascent

[Lykren]

submitted

[Hawkman]

Very, very good, Lykren. My only criticism is that the stanza break before the final line spoils the symmetry of the verses and adds nothing, only detracting, with a false pause, from the elegant consummation of the poem.

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

In the woods the jay
crept past me, aflutter,
gleeful.

I agree with Hawkman's assessment, but I have one tiny question. Are the two adjectives aflutter and gleeful meant to describe the jay or "me" ? If the former, reposition them next to the noun they're supposed to modify:

In the woods
the jay, aflutter,
gleeful, crept past me.

[Lykren]

Thanks both of you. Revised version:

In the woods a jay
crept past me,
fluttering. I climbed until
soft sky burned through,
exile from the night below.
Winds waved the crown.

I saw the hills’ curves
found echoes in the rise
and fall of millions
of needles. Strange,
that I should be found
on this cold height.

AuntShecky, you'll notice I didn't change the placement of the word 'fluttering'. That's because I think it's clear that it's the jay that's doing the fluttering, not me - seeing as it can fly.