A Little Bit Of Humour # 76

[Biggus]

ARE YOU WEARING SEDUCTIVE GARB?

Are you wearing seductive garb?
Well I have to admire you style
But in order to seduce me
You need only wear a smile

PUT DOWN # 56

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And your tolerance reaches saturation
Just say “You’re beginning to make sense
It must be time for my medication."

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 320

Mary had some little drawers
Which always struck me dumb
Because like her mother
She had a massive bum

WATER BOY

When my Granddad was a boy
Water came out of the tap
It was the wonder of the age
Fresh water from your tap
If a man had even suggested
They bottle it and sell it
For more than the price of beer
He’d have been repeatedly hit

I BOUGHT MYSELF A SATNAV

I bought myself a Satnav
I got in the car, turned it on
And I put it on my dash

And it told me where I was
Like I didn’t know already
What a waste of bloody cash

SENIOR CLASSES

The biggest advantage
Of taking classes while in retirement
Is if you play hooky
No one is going to ring your parents

MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A VERY BUMPY RIDE

Marriage has been a very bumpy ride
Since we joined in Holy Deadlock
And the little lady’s never happier
Than when she has me in a headlock

MULTITASKING IS A MYTH

Multitasking is a myth,
It doesn’t work sadly
Multitasking just means
Doing lots of things badly

HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR

He was thrown out of a bar
For inappropriate behaviour
And was given a whack

He pointed at the sign
Which read “liquor at the front”
And “poker in the back”

ARE YOU WEARING PROVOCATIVE GARB?

Are you wearing provocative garb?
Well you might well cause some disquiet
But you are not really achieving you aim
But you might well provoke a riot

[AuntShecky]

The best ones in this batch are the three in the middle: "Marriage Has Been a Bumpy Ride," "Multitasking is a Myth" and

HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR

He was thrown out of a bar
For inappropriate behaviour
And was given a whack

He pointed at the sign
Which read “liquor at the front”
And “poker in the back”

Yours fooly has been around so long that the last time she visited such an establishment it had a "Ladies' Entrance." The bouncer "carded" me, but still refused me admission. "Why?" I pleaded. "The date of birth on my I.D. is correct."
"Yeah," he said, "but you still need proof that you're a lady."

[YesNo]

Nice one about "Holy Deadlock".

[Biggus]

Thanks Aunty

That reminds about the Army man who called on a lady and the maid announced "There is an officer and a gentleman to see you"
The lady replied "Send the gentleman in and ask the officer to wait"

[AuntShecky]

That reminds about the Army man who called on a lady and the maid announced "There is an officer and a gentleman to see you"
The lady replied "Send the gentleman in and ask the officer to wait"

That sounds like something Mae West might say. (My bitter half says that the LitNutters must think I'm in my 90s. I hasten to add that I'm not QUITE as old as my references-- just a fan of old-timey entertainers!)

[Biggus]

Me too Aunty and Imight have to steal the "Bitter Half"
Cheers
Paul