Liberator

[LeMaMo]

Once, a long while ago, we, the now numbered and nameless, were considered individuals. We were known by more than a number. We were known by a group of letters that formed words; not meant for anything more than something for a specific human to be called.

Or so my grandmother says.

I am and always will be Number 28 Group 138. There are other Number 28s out there, in the other various groups. I am okay with this, my grandmother told me that even in the time of names, there were some that had the same title. That when she was little there were at least five Emily's. When I asked her what an emily was, she just started to chuckle.

You see I know my grandmother as Number 58 Group 18. And that is what I am supposed to call her. She is not supposed to be called my grandmother. She is matriarch 1 of my family unit, as I am child unit 2. My title will change though, as I grow.

My grandmother, as I am to call her in secret, told me that before the overthrow, she was known as Maria Louisa Lankford. When I first heard her say those words all I could think was how beautiful they sounded. I would ask her to say them over and over and over; watching the way her lips formed each syllable.

As time went on she would tell me stories of great people, with great names; such as: Anne Frank, Amelia Earhart, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther King Jr. The more stories she told me, the more I hungered for a name. To be an individual, to be different, and notable. I started to fantasize that I had a name. I would mix and match the names my grandmother told me. Naming myself such things as Gandhi Presley, or Katniss Potter.

Then my grandmother told me of Joan of Arc, and it was like I was awakened from my slumber. This was my purpose, to liberate my people from the numbers, from the nameless ones, to overthrow the over throwers. My task now set before me, my name chosen. I strive to become it, to become her; Joan of Arc, liberator.

[Calidore]

The poll's kind of useless, because if you add to or edit this piece, the poll suddenly becomes invalid.

You can spell, punctuate, and put a sentence together, which are big pluses, but as far as the story itself, there's really nothing here to grade except an idea that would need much more development to be called original.

Rule of art: If you feel moved to create it, then do. If this story wants out of your head, then let it out.

[AuntShecky]

Welcome to the LitNet. Hope you'll visit the site more often by posting more of your work as well as commenting on the works of your fellow LitNutters.

Re: this piece. It's an intriguing premise -- a dystopia in which humans have become so insignificant and dehumanized that they don't even have names. The problem with the story, as I see it, is in its execution or expression. Despite --or more accurately-- because of the fact that the theme is disintegration, the structure and style must be strong enough to counteract it. In other words, the more abstract the idea, the more specific the writing should be.

The story approaches such particulars somehat by mentioning great names from the past, but those references could benefit from fleshing out. Your narrator needs a stronger voice.

Try not to depend too much straight narration, with one simple declarative sentence after another "This is so. . .and this is so. My grandmother is. . ."etc.Show, don't tell. Rather than starting with a long description of the society, begin in medias res. Include more action, more direct dialogue. For instance, you can start with the narrator "trying out" some of his made-up names, rolling them around the tongue, experimenting with the sound and the spelling,similar to the narrator's fascination with the grandmother's real name. Show us more details as to why these particular names and their permutations were chosen. Show how names can establish, define, and proclaim a person's individuality.(By the bye, is your narrator a male or a female? If she wants to choose "Joan of Arc," that would indicate the latter, but one of her previous choices was "Elvis.")

The passage in which the grandmother reveals her given name could be expanded a flashback scene. Somewhere in between you could include a reference to how people lost their given names and were assigned numbers, but do it subtly. The opening paragraph is just too ponderous and overexplains.

The narrator's reaction to the status quo is a little too flat. The character should be livid, hopping mad, ready to fight. Make him SOUND like a "liberator."

Earlier today I watched a little of the excellent documentary Six by Sondheim in which he says that a person shouldn't write for expediency, to complete a project, for vanity, money or for any other reason except passion. And that's just what this story needs.

Good luck.

Auntie