Vernal

[Lykren]

Lit from behind, the arctic’s desertlike
surface begins to appeal to me.
Next, the equinoctial dawn
infiltrates the depths of
un-scavenged flesh. Mine.

Yours. This dry whiteness
which has nothing to spare
inflicts a double vision,
a paradox. Skies bloom pale,
then speedily are shaded in.

The schematics of hope
are especially erratic,
turning shades of mauve
in the midnight process.
Disappointment serves palpably,
trembling and huge,
the shadow of a tree between
corridors of honeyed light.

Wastelands exact strange expressions
from the most casual of tourists,
and expect affection for their pains.
Leave, and be desired.

[Hawkman]

Hi Lykren. You do have a way with words and your poems usually flow rather well. This is no exception, though there are a few of things you might want to look at. Flow is good, but so is precision. For example, "Lit from behind," is rather a ponderous way of saying "backlit", which would be a punchier introduction to the piece. Next, do we really need to know the dawn is equinoctial? Is the equinox the subject of the poem? not really. Why is the flesh un-scavenged? is there anything in your pristine wilderness to do any scavenging? No. What exactly are "The schematics of hope"? Here's a tip; as a poetic device the "something of something" ploy is a bit hackneyed. We all do it sometimes, but we shouldn't. It's lazy. We tend to throw them in when we want to imply some portentous gravitas in our great thoughts. We really shouldn't. Your words aren't cliched, but the thought behind them is. The trouble is that over here in the UK we've had more than 20 years of the late great Humphrey Littleton ending the comedy radio quiz show, I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue with these sententious sentiments and consequently they have come to be slightly ridiculous and a tool of satire. There's always a better way to put it.

Lastly you've gone a bit overboard with the adjectives modifying disappointment. It gives the impression that disappointment is a huge wobbly jelly of a thing hanging off a tree. always remember, less is more. Be sparing with your descriptors.

Apart from the above, this is an engaging read and a thoughtful comment on relationships and/or wilderness tourism.

Live and be well - H

[YesNo]

I agree with Hawkman's comments. I found Humphrey Littleton, whom Hawkman referenced and whom I have never heard of before, on youtube. He was funny.

I liked the sound of the alliteration in "mauve in the midnight", but I have not looked up the word "mauve" yet. The fact that I would have to look up "mauve" at all is evidence of something, probably my ability to provide an adequate critique.

[Lykren]

Thanks Hawk and YesNo. You are correct about my tendency to lavish adjectives on impoverished subjects.