Chatroom

[D.M.Hill]

This is a story that came into my head while thinking about Omegle. Hope you like it. Positive criticism is welcomed

Chatroom
By D.M.Hill


YOU ARE NOW CONNECTED WITH A STRANGER. SAY HI!
YOU: Hi
STRANGER: …
YOU: …
STRANGER: Hi
YOU: Hi
STRANGER: Hi
YOU: What’s up?
STRANGER: What’s up?
YOU: …Nothing
STRANGER: …Nothing
YOU: Okay…
STRANGER: Okay…
YOU: …
STRANGER: …
YOU: Okay well I’m going to go now.
STRANGER: Okay well I’m going to go now.
YOU: Bye
STRANGER: Bye
YOU HAVE ENDED THE CONVERSATION. YOU CONNECT WITH ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE.
YOU ARE NOW CONNECTED WITH A STRANGER. SAY HI!
YOU: Sup?
STRANGER: Sup?
YOU: Nothing much you?
STRANGER: Nothing much you?
YOU: …
STRANGER: …
YOU: Alright then…
STRANGER: Alright then…
YOU: Is this thing working right?
STRANGER: Is this thing working right?
YOU: Take that as a no.
STRANGER: Take that as a no.
YOU HAVE ENDED THE CONVERSATION. TO CONNECT WITH ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE.
YOU ARE NOW CONNECTED WITH A STRANGER. SAY HI!
YOU: Hey, what’s up?
STRANGER: …
YOU: Hello?
STRANGER: …
YOU: …
STRANGER: …
YOU: How are you?
STRANGER: …
YOU: Alright then
YOU HAVE ENDED THE CONVERSATION. TO CONNECT WITH ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE.
YOU ARE NOW TALKING WITH A STRANGER. SAY HI!
STRANGER: I know.
YOU: …
STRANGER: I know.
YOU: Sorry?
STRANGER: I know.
YOU: You know?
STRANGER: I know.
YOU: … Right. Well that’s good for you.
YOU HAVE ENDED THE CONVERSATION. TO CONNECT WITH ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE.
YOU ARE NOW TALKING WITH A STRANGER. SAY HI!
YOU: Hi
STRANGER: I know who
YOU: …
STRANGER: I know who
YOU: …
STRANGER: I know who
YOU HAVE ENDED THE CONVERSATION. TO CONNECT WITH ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE.
YOU ARE NOW TALKING WITH A STRANGER. SAY HI!
STRANGER: I know who you are.
YOU: Is some sort of joke?
STRANGER: I know who you are
YOU: Very funny.
STRANGER: I know who you are
YOU HAVE ENDED THE CONVERSATION. TO CONNECT WITH ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE.
YOU ARE NOW TALKING TO A STRANGER. SAY HI!
STRANGER: I know who you are and where you are
YOU: What the hell is this?
STRANGER: I know who you are and where you are.
YOU ENDED THE CONVERSATION. TO CONNECT WITH ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE.
YOU ARE NOW TALKING TO A STRANGER SAY HI!
STRANGER: I know who your family are.
YOU: How are you doing this? I didn’t even start another conversation?
STRANGER: I know who you are, and who your family are.
YOU: Are you hacking my computer?
STRANGER: I know where you sleep at night.
YOU ENDED THE CONVERSATION. TO CONNECT WITH ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE.
YOU ARE NOW TALKING TO A STRANGER SAY HI!
STRANGER: They are going to taste so good.
YOU: How the **** are you doing this?
STRANGER: I’ll eat you last Matt.
YOU: How did you know my name?
STRANGER: You know those pencils you keep in that holder next to your monitor Matt? I’m going to blind you with the red one, and then eat you.
YOU: What the ****
STRANGER: I’m going to eat little Genna, and then I’m going to eat your parents, and then you.
YOU: who the **** is this?
STRANGER: Prepare yourself Matt. I know you’ve never seen a dead body before.
YOU HAVE ENDED THE CONVERSATION. TO CONNECT WITH ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE.
YOU ARE NOW TALKING TO A STRANGER SAY HI!
STRANGER: Did you hear that Matt?
YOU: …
STRANGER: Listen for the next one Matt.
YOU: …
STRANGER: There goes your dad Matt. You’re the only one left Matt. Better lock your door Matt.
YOU HAVE ENDED YOUR CONVERSATION. TO TALK TO ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE.
YOU ARE NOW CHATTING WITH A STRANGER SAY HI!
STRANGER: I’m outside your door Matt, can you hear the rattles Matt? I’m opening the door Matt. I’m opening the door.
STRANGER: Good Bye Matt.
YOUR CONVERSATION HAS ENDED. TO TALK TO ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE

[DieterM]

I really really liked this. Been to chatrooms myself, so the repetitive pattern took me right in. Then, the mirror-like answering of the stranger, the repetition, and the unexpected ending. Well done. What i'd suggest is to not use caps for the "You have ended…"-bits because too many caps tend to get annoying to the eye. And mark a space between each ended conversation, the "You have ended…"-bit and the next conversation, and you'll get more readers hooked. As it stands, it is really hard to read (simply for formatting reasons, see?), which is a pity. Even if I repeat myself (but which writer doesn't like to read that sentence more often, huh?), I liked your story!

[Calidore]

I liked this; it's a nice urban legend-ish short. I'm going to disagree with DieterM about the formatting, though; you've formatted it like the chat session it is, so the caps and lack of breaks are appropriate IMO. My one suggestion would be to reduce the number of victims, because that's an awfully long time for Matt to be doing nothing when it's clear something is really wrong. What do you think of limiting it to just Matt and his little sister, who he's babysitting while his parents are off somewhere?

[D.M.Hill]

Thanks for the feed back guys, I'l take it into the mind :)

I think The spacing might be done a bit differently between each bit of the conversation, and Calidore, I think your right about the too many people thing. I might change it to just the sister after all.

I take all of it into account, and thanks again. :)

[108 fountains]

I enjoyed this, too. Innovative and creative use of the Chatroom format. I especially liked the suspense of the middle part as YOU slowly comes to the realization that this is not just a prank.
I agree that a space between the two lines "YOU HAVE ENDED THE CONVERSATION. YOU CONNECT WITH ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE." and "YOU ARE NOW CONNECTED WITH A STRANGER. SAY HI!" would make it easier on the eyes as well as have the effect of breaking it into paragraphs. And agree with Calidore's suggestion, too.

[travjob]

I enjoyed this - kinda freaked me out, haha. I noticed one thing, probably a typo - the first time you break the conversation it says, "YOU HAVE ENDED THE CONVERSATION. YOU CONNECT WITH ANOTHER STRANGER CLICK HERE" not - "...TO CONNECT WITH ANOTHER..." as all the subsequent ones look.

I'd put my vote in the column for adding a second space (carriage return) between each conversation, in between "Click Here" and "You are now.."

Dig it though, good thriller.