The Junkyard

[Hal]

deleted

[108 fountains]

I liked it a lot. Crisp, believable dialogue. Good storyline. Plenty of irony. I try to look at these posts with the idea of suggesting improvements. If I were to suggest anything here, it would only be to cut back a little on the nonessential facts in paragraph one - probably the first four sentences are enough of an introduction.

[Calidore]

I'd take it a bit further than fountains and remove the first two paragraphs entirely. Seems like much of the dialogue in the first half was also exposition that didn't have any bearing on the story itself. Read through it again and ask yourself which lines are needed and which could be shortened or cut out.

I thought the midsection of the story, between the arrival of the boys and Jack walking into his office, worked the best.

The boys say Jack called the police, and Jack admits doing it, but we never see him do it. I wasn't clear on whether Jack was gambling with a lie, or why that detail was omitted if it was.

Overall, perfectly fine.

[Hal]

I liked it a lot. Crisp, believable dialogue. Good storyline. Plenty of irony. I try to look at these posts with the idea of suggesting improvements. If I were to suggest anything here, it would only be to cut back a little on the nonessential facts in paragraph one - probably the first four sentences are enough of an introduction.

Yeah, I think you're right. The first paragraph is problematic. I'll definitely cut some of it out or re-work the beginning altogether.

Thanks for your comments :)

[Hal]

I'd take it a bit further than fountains and remove the first two paragraphs entirely. Seems like much of the dialogue in the first half was also exposition that didn't have any bearing on the story itself. Read through it again and ask yourself which lines are needed and which could be shortened or cut out.

I thought the midsection of the story, between the arrival of the boys and Jack walking into his office, worked the best.

The boys say Jack called the police, and Jack admits doing it, but we never see him do it. I wasn't clear on whether Jack was gambling with a lie, or why that detail was omitted if it was.

Overall, perfectly fine.

He doesn't call the police. I omitted it for a couple reasons. One of which is that I think the narration would have been a little overbearing. Jack says he calls the police then the narrator contradicts him. I don't think it accomplishes anything. I could be wrong. I think sometimes when you tell a reader everything it doesn't leave anything for interpretation.

[AuntShecky]

Overall, I'd say this story is essentially a rehash of "The Killers" (not the movie, the original story by Ernest Hemingway.) I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you haven't read it yet and that the plot similarity is mere coincidence.

In any event, the prominent flaws in this story are structural. For instance, the story takes much too long to get going. Optimally, a story should open in medias res, beginning "late," with action already in progress. The task of the opening paragraph-- indeed, the first sentence, is to hook the reader --into reading further.

In this case the opening passage is loaded down with extraneous historical and biographic details about two of the characters. Much of this material isn't really relevant to what I assume is the gist of the piece. As the story progresses, you can insert pertinent details here and there as they come up --in dialogue or in short flashbacks. In general, remember James Joyce's advice about "scrupulous meanness." Omit all unnecessary material and make every word count. No "padding."

The dialogue between the two town residents goes on much too long. Only include enough about the condition of the town's economic status as well as their own private financial conditions according to how much bearing this info has upon the overall effect of your story.

Also, it wouldn't hurt to brush up on your grammar skills. I don't mean the attempt at dialect and local color, I mean the way in which you shape your sentences and paragraphs. For instance, start a new paragraph with every change in speaker.

Check spelling. Know the difference between "their" and "there."

Before you post, make a sweep to catch typos and careless errors as well as spotting weak passages ripe for revision.

Hope this helps. Keep trying and keep writing. Good luck.

Auntie

[Hal]

Overall, I'd say this story is essentially a rehash of "The Killers" (not the movie, the original story by Ernest Hemingway.) I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you haven't read it yet and that the plot similarity is mere coincidence.

In any event, the prominent flaws in this story are structural. For instance, the story takes much too long to get going. Optimally, a story should open in medias res, beginning "late," with action already in progress. The task of the opening paragraph-- indeed, the first sentence, is to hook the reader --into reading further.

In this case the opening passage is loaded down with extraneous historical and biographic details about two of the characters. Much of this material isn't really relevant to what I assume is the gist of the piece. As the story progresses, you can insert pertinent details here and there as they come up --in dialogue or in short flashbacks. In general, remember James Joyce's advice about "scrupulous meanness." Omit all unnecessary material and make every word count. No "padding."

The dialogue between the two town residents goes on much too long. Only include enough about the condition of the town's economic status as well as their own private financial conditions according to how much bearing this info has upon the overall effect of your story.

Also, it wouldn't hurt to brush up on your grammar skills. I don't mean the attempt at dialect and local color, I mean the way in which you shape your sentences and paragraphs. For instance, start a new paragraph with every change in speaker.

Check spelling. Know the difference between "their" and "there."

Before you post, make a sweep to catch typos and careless errors as well as spotting weak passages ripe for revision.

Hope this helps. Keep trying and keep writing. Good luck.

Auntie


Brush up on my grammar skills? Did you not read where I said excuse the format because it wasn't copying over properly? Initially it pasted over as one block of text.

Also, the story is copying "The Killers"? Have you read that story? Feel free to point out where it copies "The Killers". If you're going to accuse someone of copying someone's work you better damn well have good evidence of it.

The rest of your criticism is fine. But you went overboard with all that passive-aggressive BS.

[AuntShecky]

There are only a limited number of plots. (Cf. websites such as "TV Tropes.") Any story is a variation of one of them. I never accused you of "copying" anything, but rather doing what so many of us often do--perhaps unconsciously using proven plots and writing our own versions.

"The Killers", if I remember correctly, is one of the Nick Adams stories. It takes place in a small town similar to the one described in your story, in which a couple of suspicious customers come into the lunchroom where Nick works. It transpires that these two shady characters are hitmen, gunning for a man referred to as Big Swede. The deed isn't done by the end of the tale, but it's coming.

The reason your story reminded me of "The Killers" is that the plot is similar in that a crime is committed at a place of a retail business. The tone and setting resembles it as well. Hemingway's story is told almost entirely in dialogue, which is what yours attempts to do.

But that wasn't the reason I found some weaknesses in your story for which I offered suggestions as to how to remedy them. You did say
Don't hold back.

Believe me, if I'd known your feelings would be hurt, I would have spent the time commenting on the work of other LitNutters.

Now if I really were snotty, I would have thrown this line of yours back at you:

But you went overboard with all that passive-aggressive BS
and ask you when and where you got your degree in psychology.

But I won't.

Sorry.
Auntie

[Hal]

There are only a limited number of plots. (Cf. websites such as "TV Tropes.") Any story is a variation of one of them. I never accused you of "copying" anything, but rather doing what so many of us often do--perhaps unconsciously using proven plots and writing our own versions.

"The Killers", if I remember correctly, is one of the Nick Adams stories. It takes place in a small town similar to the one described in your story, in which a couple of suspicious customers come into the lunchroom where Nick works. It transpires that these two shady characters are hitmen, gunning for a man referred to as Big Swede. The deed isn't done by the end of the tale, but it's coming.

The reason your story reminded me of "The Killers" is that the plot is similar in that a crime is committed at a place of a retail business. The tone and setting resembles it as well. Hemingway's story is told almost entirely in dialogue, which is what yours attempts to do.

But that wasn't the reason I found some weaknesses in your story for which I offered suggestions as to how to remedy them. You did say

Believe me, if I'd known your feelings would be hurt, I would have spent the time commenting on the work of other LitNutters.

Now if I really were snotty, I would have thrown this line of yours back at you:

and ask you when and where you got your degree in psychology.

But I won't.

Sorry.
Auntie

Your criticism of the story was fine. That's not what I'm taking issue with. I'm taking issue with you using one instance where I didn't separate the dialogue and then telling me I need to brush up on my grammar. Or accusing me of not knowing the difference between there and their when there and their are used 20+ times in the story. That's not constructive criticism. That's trolling.

I've read "the Killers". I've read all of Hemingway's short stories. You said this story was a re-hash which is bizarre. Using that metric you could say any story that involved crime is a re-hash of "the Killers". Then you said you'd give me the benefit of the doubt because I probably didn't read it. Oh, and my "attempt" at dialect. Seriously? You don't realize you're being a passive aggressive twit?

Anyways...no need to respond to this. I said what I wanted to.

[Calidore]

You've pretty much put the lie to your intro ("Don't hold back. What's good (if anything) what's bad etc." and especially "Don't worry about hurting my feelings if you just think it sucks", which BTW, AuntShecky didn't say).

AuntShecky is was perfectly frank about what she saw in your story, which is hardly passive-aggressive. She's also neither a troll nor a twit, but is one of the forum's respected writers and critics. It's certainly your right to disagree with and even argue anyone's criticism, but throwing cheap insults is uncalled for.