My desert

[Mohammad Ahmad]

My desert is full of with weapons.
My desert is full of with smoke
Wherever you go
You smell the gunpowder
Neither you should rest
Nor you can go ahead
At any moment
A tidal deluge could be intruded
Seabirds hardly could be going round.
Thieves, smugglers patiently do alike
None of them works individually
They work as a malicious cancer
Stubbly ground after a harmful harvest
Near our well there is fruitless fig tree
Shaken up by the wind until death
Rooted up no green leaves remain
Even the greenlet doesn’t come again
The boys go out to play but alas
No green yard would be useful
Frustrated and they keep away
Waiting the moon to shine again
Perhaps a funny desire comes back
They draw a feather-like as a longbow
Frightened as a shaky wetted nestling
While the willows down had sever whistling
Came around as if it had convalescence
Whilst the thick- clouds turn damp
From everywhere they accumulate
Sweeping the ground with maladies
The sun disk as if it was bashful
Due to its hindrance it felt sorrowful.
Wives beside their muddy- furnace
Look round asking for their sons
Either they were prisoners or killed
And the sun disk is still watchful.
Spinning in its place doesn’t move
Alarmingly it curses the moon
Frighteningly it delivers sickly rays.

[Haunted]

This is a very serious piece, and delivered with great skill. Bravo.

Some trouble with grammar here and there, but I'm terrible with grammar myself so perhaps others can jump in and fix some problem areas. The opening lines, "My desert is full of weapons / My desert is full of smoke" is fine without "with"

Many strong imageries to convey the frightful scenes. I pictured the willow undergoing a "whipping" (not "whistling"), and convulsing, (not in convalescence). That would work better for me.

You can either complete the sun imagery and end the piece with it like you did, or end with your strongest lines yet:

Wives beside their muddy- furnace
Look round asking for their sons
Either they were prisoners or killed

[Mohammad Ahmad]

This is a very serious piece, and delivered with great skill. Bravo.

Some trouble with grammar here and there, but I'm terrible with grammar myself so perhaps others can jump in and fix some problem areas. The opening lines, "My desert is full of weapons / My desert is full of smoke" is fine without "with"

Many strong imageries to convey the frightful scenes. I pictured the willow undergoing a "whipping" (not "whistling"), and convulsing, (not in convalescence). That would work better for me.

You can either complete the sun imagery and end the piece with it like you did, or end with your strongest lines yet:

Wives beside their muddy- furnace
Look round asking for their sons
Either they were prisoners or killed
Yes, that's right, blotting " with" is better
I will check it again.
Thank you and excuse me for being not reply, I don't see it until this moment

[Mohammad Ahmad]

My desert is full of smoke
Wherever you go
You smell the gunpowder
Neither you should rest
Nor you can go ahead
At any moment
A tidal deluge could be intruded
Seabirds hardly could be going round.
Thieves, smugglers patiently do alike
None of them works individually
As a team they work as a malicious cancer
Stubbly ground after a harmful harvest
Near our well there is fruitless fig tree
Shaken up by the wind until death
Rooted up no green leaves remain
Even the greenlet doesn’t come again
The boys go out to play but alas
No green yard would be useful
Frustrated and they keep away
Waiting the moon to shine again
Perhaps a funny desire comes back
They draw a feather-like as a longbow
Frightened as a shaky wetted nestling
While the willows down had sever whistling
Came around as if it had convalescence
Whilst the thick- clouds turn damp
From everywhere they accumulate
Sweeping the ground with maladies
The sun disk as if it was bashful
Due to its hindrance it felt sorrowful.
Wives beside their muddy- furnace
Look round asking for their sons
Either they were prisoners or killed
And the sun disk is still watchful.
Spinning in its place doesn’t move
Alarmingly it curses the moon
Frighteningly it delivers sickly rays.