The Musician

[glennr25]

New thread.

[glennr25]

New thread.

[glennr25]

New thread.

[Calidore]

You asked for opinions at the top, but you're still adding to this, so I'm not sure if you want some feedback now or if I should wait until this section is completed (or is it completed now?).

[glennr25]

New thread

[glennr25]

New thread.

[glennr25]

You asked for opinions at the top, but you're still adding to this, so I'm not sure if you want some feedback now or if I should wait until this section is completed (or is it completed now?).

I've gone ahead and just posted the entire story. Did as much editing as I possibly could. Now I just need to get some fresh eyes to catch the stuff I couldn't find.

[Jack of Hearts]

Great literature it is not. Nor is it emotionally evocative. There certainly is a market for this kind of stuff, but this reader doesn't consider it artistry-- just popcorn entertainment. Paperback drugstore thriller kind of thing. Does it even make sense to say that there are serious conceptual errors in the execution of this? Scenes, presumably pertinent scenes, zoom by in sentences.

The prose isn't terrible. It has its problems but to find it so relatively readable is a nice surprise. Ostensibly you're aiming for a market that this reader doesn't even believe should exist-- A Dean Koontz kind of demographic as it were. The stuff should be used for kindling rather than read, but you might call that a personal bias.

Jack of Hearts is prone to tell you cut the bologna and write something more redemptive. But that's your choice. There seems to be an audience for this. A more positive comment would be that you somewhat cohesively finished something, and that's meritorious and enviable in itself.

But, ugh, does it seem like a waste of a writer. Go read poems and literature, consider expression versus entertainment. What does written form do for mindlessness that something like TV or movies couldn't do better?






J

[glennr25]

Great literature it is not. Nor is it emotionally evocative. There certainly is a market for this kind of stuff, but this reader doesn't consider it artistry-- just popcorn entertainment. Paperback drugstore thriller kind of thing. Does it even make sense to say that there are serious conceptual errors in the execution of this? Scenes, presumably pertinent scenes, zoom by in sentences.

The prose isn't terrible. It has its problems but to find it so relatively readable is a nice surprise. Ostensibly you're aiming for a market that this reader doesn't even believe should exist-- A Dean Koontz kind of demographic as it were. The stuff should be used for kindling rather than read, but you might call that a personal bias.

Jack of Hearts is prone to tell you cut the bologna and write something more redemptive. But that's your choice. There seems to be an audience for this. A more positive comment would be that you somewhat cohesively finished something, and that's meritorious and enviable in itself.

But, ugh, does it seem like a waste of a writer. Go read poems and literature, consider expression versus entertainment. What does written form do for mindlessness that something like TV or movies couldn't do better? J

Thanks for reading, Jack, and for providing your opinion on my piece. This story is more focused on plot than anything else. I wanted it to move along as quickly as possible, so I decided to limit the words for the sake of the twist at the end. I feel these kinds of stories do have a market, and, as much as it pains me to say this, weaving poetic words into storytelling is a bit old-fashioned. People just want the story now and days.

[glennr25]

How augmented implants might really look like in the future: http://urlybits.com/2012/07/sight-a-scary-look-at-the-future-of-augmented-reality-implants-and-projects-like-google-glass/

[108 fountains]

True that it was not great literature, but on the other hand, science fiction rarely is. I think you accomplished your purpose, which appears to me to be to tell an imaginative story in an entertaining way. For sure, it could stand a re-write or two (what stories don’t need that?), but it held my interest throughout, even though it was longer than what I’ve come across in this Forum so far. I’ve never been a big science fiction fan and don’t get too excited about time machine stories, but this one I enjoyed. I think because even though the time machine was central to the story, you kept the science fiction minimal so that it was not intrusive (you kept the time machine out of the story till the end, after I had already accepted the fact that I was reading science fiction). What I liked best about the story was how you tied The Musician to Elvis, and Jim Morrison and John Lennon (you could have added Jimi Hendrix as well).This is one time travel story where the past was indeed altered (unlike most time travel stories where the hero attempts to alter the past but fails).

If you rewrite it, one thing you might think about changing is this conversation:

Ryan exhaled. “Computer. How many people are inside the house?”
The computer answered, “There are zero occupants currently inside.”
Ryan waved at the car. Michelle ran over to him.
“Computer. Please open the gate.”
“As you wish.”

It sounds too much like Star Trek to me.

The other thing that was not quite right was that, at least for Elvis (and to a degree the others too), the real feeling of the music would not be on the sheet music, but in the style of the performance, but presumably The Musician watched them performso if you do a re-write, you might want to have videos/recordings in The Musician's possessions, as well as the sheet music.

The premise of the story reminded me of the stories about Robert Johnson, a blues player of the 1930s from the Clarksdale, Mississippi area. He would play at different juke joints in various little towns in the area, usually for one night before moving onto the next town. Communications being slow as they were in those days, people would talk about hearing Robert Johnson playing in town A couple of nights earlier and someone else would say, no, it couldn’t be. He was in town B that night. So there grew up this legend that he was a kind of supernatural musician with the ability to be in two places at once. Another story is how he had been a mediocre guitar player and then one night, without warning, he was playing really innovative licks with tremendous skill. (He is credited with bringing the “boogie woogie” or walking blues baseline from piano to guitar, thus paving the way for guitar rock’n roll.) Some of the superstitious people in the Mississippi Delta whispered that he had sold his soul to the devil in return for his guitar skills. (That’s how even these days, you’ll hear rock’n roll referred to as “the devil’s music.”) Robert Johnson died according to legend – and appropriately enough – by being poisoned by a jealous girlfriend (which is also a theme in some of the late 1950s blues songs, such as Commit a Crime by Howlin’ Wolf – “You put poison in my coffee, instead of milk or cream. You ‘bout the evilest woman, I ever seen.”)

[glennr25]

Thank you for reading fountains and I'm glad the story held your interest. I'm not quite sure what you mean by rewrite. Is there inconsistencies in the style? I try to keep the writing as simple as possible with these plot heavy stories.

Interesting tidbit on Robert Johnson by the way. Learned something new. Thanks for sharing.

[108 fountains]

By rewrite, I just meant the revisions that we all do. I don't see any inconsistencies in style, but there is always room for improvement. There are several small things, for example,The Musician's immediate negative reaction when he saw Ryan seemed somewhat awkward to me. You explain it by saying, "He had a modded implant, too." But somehow, it felt to me like more of an explanation was needed. Later in the story you mention how the other girls in the girls' locker room giggled at Ryan when Michelle ran out after he tried to kiss her - that seemed weird without any explanation of what he was doing in the girls' locker room to begin with. Also you mentioned that The Musician was on the government payroll, but that didn't give a lot of sense to me and didn't add much to the story.

Also, I think Jack was right when he said, "Scenes, presumably pertinent scenes, zoom by in sentences." You might want to consider going back over the story and filling it out a little. That would be risky, as I know you want to keep the fast pace and the emphasis on plot.

Your image of Michelle, "Whenever she stepped into the light, it looked as if she had stars dangling from her body," was very nice. A little more of that - short, evocative descriptions of the characters and their relationships - I think would help connect emotionally with your readers.

[glennr25]

By rewrite, I just meant the revisions that we all do. I don't see any inconsistencies in style, but there is always room for improvement. There are several small things, for example,The Musician's immediate negative reaction when he saw Ryan seemed somewhat awkward to me. You explain it by saying, "He had a modded implant, too." But somehow, it felt to me like more of an explanation was needed. Later in the story you mention how the other girls in the girls' locker room giggled at Ryan when Michelle ran out after he tried to kiss her - that seemed weird without any explanation of what he was doing in the girls' locker room to begin with. Also you mentioned that The Musician was on the government payroll, but that didn't give a lot of sense to me and didn't add much to the story.

Also, I think Jack was right when he said, "Scenes, presumably pertinent scenes, zoom by in sentences." You might want to consider going back over the story and filling it out a little. That would be risky, as I know you want to keep the fast pace and the emphasis on plot.

Your image of Michelle, "Whenever she stepped into the light, it looked as if she had stars dangling from her body," was very nice. A little more of that - short, evocative descriptions of the characters and their relationships - I think would help connect emotionally with your readers.


I think I'll do that. Thanks fountains.

[AuntShecky]

I wanted it to move along as quickly as possible, so I decided to limit the words for the sake of the twist at the end. I feel these kinds of stories do have a market, and, as much as it pains me to say this, weaving poetic words into storytelling is a bit old-fashioned. People just want the story now and days.

Well, Glenn, when you decided to "limit the words," I wish you had begun by dumping the hackneyed words and phrases littering this piece, for instance:


stone idols
pieces of a jigsaw puzzle
riding shotgun
thunderous applause
golden locks
take the world by storm
there wasn't a word in the dictionary to describe her beauty
in their own little world

There are plenty of reasons writers should run like hell away from clichés,such as "wouldn't touch 'em with a ten-foot pole" or "avoid them like the plague." Long-time LitNutters have frequently heard yours fooly citing the editor of the New Yorker who stopped reading unsolicited manuscripts at the first appearance of a cliché.

"Write to express, not to impress" was a favorite mantra of our the LitNet's foremost critic,Hillwalker, who has been sadly MIA of late. "Express" is the operative word-- why would anyone who wants to be a writer recycle trite and tired phrases when he's in the business of inventing brand-new ways of depicting the world and the human condition?

One of the best writing books I've ever read is The Elements of Expression by Arthur Plotnik (and yes, that is his real name.) In one of the opening chapters, Plotnik illustrates how many Americans are often at a "loss for words," nearly inarticulate in expressing themselves. They lapse into repetitiveness and parroting the same old, same old words everyone always uses. For instance, Plotnik cites the statement which wine maker Ernest Gallo made after his brother and lifetime business partner, Julio, died: "Julio was a great brother, a great partner, and a great human being. His passing is a greal personal loss to me and both of our families." Not that it isn't heartfelt or sincere, just not expressive.We hear similar banal statements from professional athletes, show business types, and --the members of the group of "show business for the ugly"--politicians. We can excuse Mr. Gallo and the others mainly because they aren't wordsmiths by profession. Writers, however, are in the word business, and they have no excuse.

And neither do you, dear Glenn. It doesn't matter what kind of audience you may be shooting for. Never, never "write down" to your readers. No matter what genre, no matter what kind of story you're writing, you owe it to your readers and you especially owe it to yourself to write the very best way that you can.

And remember Calidore's excellent advice: slow down.









Auntie

[glennr25]

Well, Glenn, when you decided to "limit the words," I wish you had begun by dumping the hackneyed words and phrases littering this piece, for instance:


There are plenty of reasons writers should run like hell away from clichés,such as "wouldn't touch 'em with a ten-foot pole" or "avoid them like the plague." Long-time LitNutters have frequently heard yours fooly citing the editor of the New Yorker who stopped reading unsolicited manuscripts at the first appearance of a cliché.

"Write to express, not to impress" was a favorite mantra of our the LitNet's foremost critic,Hillwalker, who has been sadly MIA of late. "Express" is the operative word-- why would anyone who wants to be a writer recycle trite and tired phrases when he's in the business of inventing brand-new ways of depicting the world and the human condition?

One of the best writing books I've ever read is The Elements of Expression by Arthur Plotnik (and yes, that is his real name.) In one of the opening chapters, Plotnik illustrates how many Americans are often at a "loss for words," nearly inarticulate in expressing themselves. They lapse into repetitiveness and parroting the same old, same old words everyone always uses. For instance, Plotnik cites the statement which wine maker Ernest Gallo made after his brother and lifetime business partner, Julio, died: "Julio was a great brother, a great partner, and a great human being. His passing is a greal personal loss to me and both of our families." Not that it isn't heartfelt or sincere, just not expressive.We hear similar banal statements from professional athletes, show business types, and --the members of the group of "show business for the ugly"--politicians. We can excuse Mr. Gallo and the others mainly because they aren't wordsmiths by profession. Writers, however, are in the word business, and they have no excuse.

And neither do you, dear Glenn. It doesn't matter what kind of audience you may be shooting for. Never, never "write down" to your readers. No matter what genre, no matter what kind of story you're writing, you owe it to your readers and you especially owe it to yourself to write the very best way that you can.

And remember Calidore's excellent advice: slow down.


Auntie

Thanks for catching those phrases Aunshecky. This is still a first draft so I'm still making lots of cuts and edits. I'll make sure those are cut out by the final draft.

[Calidore]

I'm very sorry, I completely forgot about this.

This was a good effort. I think the extra effort you put into this has paid off, though I do agree with fountains and Jack that some things could still use more development. I have the hardest time with the augments; they mostly come off as a deus ex machina and could use more clarity about what they are and what they can do. You at least mention Ryan's implant (what's the difference between implants and augments?) being modded to detect lying, but for the most part, they're just brought up when used, even though they seem to be a part of life.

Which leads me to point #2: This obviously takes place in the future, but too much of the atmosphere gets withheld for random periods (one of your bad writer habits that I've mentioned before). For one example, Ryan is nonchalant about the Magician's robotic household staff, but it's a distraction to the reader, because we hadn't yet seen robots anywhere. Since Michelle doesn't know Ryan was once a cop, it's fine to withhold that until she finds out, but details that would help establish the setting should be dropped in sooner rather than later.

Given the crowds described, you might want change "bar" (implies small) to "club" or "auditorium" (even bigger).

A few instances of the WTF bat did come up:

* A security system that reads the passphrase in your eyes when you think it? That seems needlessly complicated. Especially when this retinal-passphrase thing can be easily bypassed by a handy implant, which seems like a needlessly convenient solution to a needlessly complicated problem.

* It doesn't matter how big and muscular you are, a skillet to the back of the head (where there isn't much muscle anyway) not only won't be shrugged off, but will more likely lead to a murder conviction. Unless you're writing a Three Stooges script, you want to keep the violence somewhat realistic both in cause and effect. This would also apply to the turrets that shred anyone who even walks up to the house. Scale it back a bit. I also agree with fountains here about vagueness in the Musician's reaction to Ryan.

* I don't buy for a minute that Ryan will allow this girl he loves to go with him into the Badlands. And then she waits a full twelve hours in this crack den for him to wake up? None of this worked at all. Maybe, just as she impresses him by insisting on going, he can impress her by standing up to her. With graphic descriptions of life there if necessary. It's not like she serves any purpose in this part of the story anyway.

* The big one: Why exactly does the Musician need to go into the past to steal from well-known artists when he can just cover them? On the other hand, I could see him being from the future and coming back into the past to make ill-gotten money with the best music of his time.

[glennr25]

I'm very sorry, I completely forgot about this.

This was a good effort. I think the extra effort you put into this has paid off, though I do agree with fountains and Jack that some things could still use more development. I have the hardest time with the augments; they mostly come off as a deus ex machina and could use more clarity about what they are and what they can do. You at least mention Ryan's implant (what's the difference between implants and augments?) being modded to detect lying, but for the most part, they're just brought up when used, even though they seem to be a part of life.

Which leads me to point #2: This obviously takes place in the future, but too much of the atmosphere gets withheld for random periods (one of your bad writer habits that I've mentioned before). For one example, Ryan is nonchalant about the Magician's robotic household staff, but it's a distraction to the reader, because we hadn't yet seen robots anywhere. Since Michelle doesn't know Ryan was once a cop, it's fine to withhold that until she finds out, but details that would help establish the setting should be dropped in sooner rather than later.

Given the crowds described, you might want change "bar" (implies small) to "club" or "auditorium" (even bigger).

A few instances of the WTF bat did come up:

* A security system that reads the passphrase in your eyes when you think it? That seems needlessly complicated. Especially when this retinal-passphrase thing can be easily bypassed by a handy implant, which seems like a needlessly convenient solution to a needlessly complicated problem.

* It doesn't matter how big and muscular you are, a skillet to the back of the head (where there isn't much muscle anyway) not only won't be shrugged off, but will more likely lead to a murder conviction. Unless you're writing a Three Stooges script, you want to keep the violence somewhat realistic both in cause and effect. This would also apply to the turrets that shred anyone who even walks up to the house. Scale it back a bit. I also agree with fountains here about vagueness in the Musician's reaction to Ryan.

* I don't buy for a minute that Ryan will allow this girl he loves to go with him into the Badlands. And then she waits a full twelve hours in this crack den for him to wake up? None of this worked at all. Maybe, just as she impresses him by insisting on going, he can impress her by standing up to her. With graphic descriptions of life there if necessary. It's not like she serves any purpose in this part of the story anyway.

* The big one: Why exactly does the Musician need to go into the past to steal from well-known artists when he can just cover them? On the other hand, I could see him being from the future and coming back into the past to make ill-gotten money with the best music of his time.

Ahh, you make some very good points, Cal. I will definitely put more detail into the augments and spruce up the descriptions of the "Sci-Fi" world. I will also be cutting the whole robots part out completely. I didn't really go into too much detail on how the security system works, it operates like a network of sorts, and the implants connect to it (kind of like a wi-fi network). I agree that any person (no matter how big) will get knocked out with a frying pan to the head, so I went ahead and made it so he catches Ryan's arm before he's able to land a blow. The whole thing with Michelle tagging along with him on his trip to the Badlands will also be removed.

As for him going back in time to steal music, he's actually working as a scientist for a government agency. He's a musician at heart too, but since there's no more original ideas (thanks to the implants) there aren't anymore great musicians any more. One day he decides he's tired of not being noticed, so he goes back in time using the time machine he built and steals music from the best of the best, killing them off in the process, which inevitably renders their impact on rock in the future to nothing. He became famous so quickly using their music because he killed them off before they ever got to play. Thus the reason why Michelle didn't know the name Elvis Presley.

By the way, I'm planning on entering the story in the Writers of the Future contest. Not sure if you heard of it but their next deadline is on the 31st. Here's the link if you're interested: http://www.writersofthefuture.com/