‘Nothing’, you say

[DieterM]

Your silver pain
a dagger with pearls
and rubies
‘Sorry’ I say, and
your weak smile flickers,
on,
off,
on,
off…

I would have preferred
a howling storm,
a river of tears,
a tempest of reproaches,
but

you offer
silent suffering,
sorry and sorrow,
born
in the same place

‘Nothing’, you say, ‘It’s
nothing at all’

Why is there
no orchestra of violins
playing soft elegies?
Only a purring fridge,
a kitchen clock
measuring our heartbeats,
and time flows away
like sand on a foreign strand,
with the soft hiss
of loss…

In clouds you stand
and mute my breath,
a Goddess made of marble,
but the worms of pain
eat you up
from inside

and
maybe
I loved you,
maybe
you loved me,
maybe

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter. This starts well, the first three stanzas; clipped, immediate - but I feel it starts running off track in the third. I'd be inclined to cut
"sorry and sorrow
born
in the same place"

from S3 and end the poem at S4. What comes next is in a different style, so the overall effect of the piece as it stands is of two poems fused into one and the style change jars a bit. Also, the old adage that less is more holds true here. The point feels a bit laboured. The first part, though, is succinct and powerful and very much in the moment.

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Ahh, that phrase. Guilty… It's a great delivery on your part, to show how pointless it is.

[DieterM]

thanks to both of you for commenting :-) i hear you, dear hawkie, and will think it over sometime soon. never like to immediately edit a poem with flaws (and don't they all have some? otherwise, it would be much less fun to write poetry) but to wait and let it "decant" a while…

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Dieter.. I tuned in most on S5 with the fine details. Every reader is different. You can't please em all :)

[AuntShecky]

Whenever I see you've posted something, Dieter, I always read it. That'[s also the case with Delta, Jerry B., and a few other LitNutters.

But I don't always comment.

Sometimes it's much easier to say why I don't like a poem than to explain why I do, if you get me.

Auntie

[DieterM]

Jerry, so glad you liked it! And tell me about not being able to please em all! The hardest to please will always be myself, I guess! ;-)

Dear auntie, I feel honoured to be included in that excellent list of yours *blushes a wee bit*. And I get what you mean, it's the same thing here. I'm one of those often-reads-seldom-comments guys, I admit. I mean, how much gushing "my god, this is brilliant!" does a writer need? Careful - rhetorical question, lol! Anyway, I always appreciate knowing you've stopped by one of my pieces.