The Child of the Blue God

[miyako73]

for publication

[Calidore]

I liked this very much.

[glennr25]

Very interesting read. Good job.

[108 fountains]

A casual reader might know that Vishnu is usually depicted as “blue” and probably will appreciate the karmic irony of the plot. What I liked best is the way you deftly incorporated other Hindu/Vishnu references. The casual reader will probably not know that the name of your heroine, Amrita, is also the name for the drink (soma) created by Vishnu when he directed the gods to churn the Sea of Milk. In that way, Amrita is, in fact, the offspring of Vishnu. The casual reader also likely won’t know that Vishnu and Indra (the god of rain) are closely associated in the stories of the Rig Veda, so that it would be entirely appropriate for Indra to be receptive to the needs of the Child of the Blue God. You also have Amrita “riding on the floating leaves of overgrown lotus”during her journey and exhaling “the scent of lotus,” - nice references to Vishnu, as he is often pictured holding a lotus flower. And there are other Hindu references, too, but the point is that you’ve integrated these references so perfectly into the plot and the theme of the story that the casual reader doesn’t need to be aware of them to enjoy the story, while the reader with some familiarity with Vaishnavism is all the more charmed because of these hidden jewels.

I thought of a couple of other minor references you might consider including:
1) You have Amrita sitting under a poplar tree outside the village. You might want to have her sitting under a peepal tree instead, since Vishnu is said to have been born under a peepal tree and it is associated with Vishnu and his avatars in other ways.
2) You also describe Amrita’s sweat as smelling like a “potpourri of perfumes.” You might want to describe it as smelling like basil and jasmine, since those two fragrances are associated with Vishnu.

There were just two points to the story that didn’t feel quite right to me. One was the age of Amrita. Five years old to me just seems too young to be able to grasp what is happening to her, much less to set off on her own and survive in the wilds for months (even if she is a goddess). It just seems to me that eight or nine or ten years old would be a better age for her. The other thing that seemed odd to me was “When she had nothing to eat, her younger brother, Rahul, would lightly chew his food and regurgitate it for her.” The reader can already see that she is leading a life of shame and hardship at this point in the story. To me, this business of regurgitation just seemed to be a little much.

I think you can tell from my close reading of the story that I liked it a lot. I look forward to seeing more stories from you.

[YesNo]

I think you need something beside her "ill-omened date of birth" to trigger the reaction against Amrita.

[miyako73]

Thanks, guys, for reading.

Thank you, fountain. Now I remember. Peepal tree it is. I'll think about basil. Maybe I'll add jasmine for variety.

I cannot change the age because it will affect the entire story--riding on giant lotus leaves, over-protective brothers, and extreme harshness of superstition. Girl children as young as two or even months old have been abandoned in India. I read it on Indian news once in a while.

Abandonment in the story is basically death for the child, but she overcomes it, and that is the miracle in the story.

Superstition can be a strong, lethal cause for someone's death in rural India. I think ill-omened birth date is enough.

Thanks again.

Miyako

[Calidore]

Fountains, I'm a casual enough reader that I didn't know any of that, so thanks for an interesting post. Also, three paragraphs after the regurgitation, Miyako wrote, "For years, the hornless white cow his father bought a long time ago for her mother to milk was her only friend, and the cowshed was the only world she knew"; that's years after age five, so I'd thought Amrita probably was at least as old as you thought she should be.

I agree that just "ill-omened date of birth" is enough by itself. Sadly, that's not unrealistic at all.

[Steven Hunley]

It stands as a good story whether you're a casual reader or more informed. Excellent job.

[Vitioneste]

your story reminds me of some lost memories. Thanks. Keep writing!