Mistress of Arcadia

[DieterM]

She winds and twines
Between the trunks of naked trees,
Shifts in and out of sight,
A slender blur. Her dress,
Diaphanous and white and long,
Glides over black-soaked barks
Ever so breezily, an airy cloud
Of ebon hair flying behind her
Like Elysian afterthoughts.
Barefooted upon wet, unfrozen soil,
She walks, and snowdrops dance
And daffodils and crocuses,
In fragile white and tender lilac waves.
From behind the bushes with their verdant buds,
Fauns might watch her move from birch to birch.
And magpies jabber, then lift off
Into the blues and changing clouds above.
And when she disappears from sight,
A wordless longing lingers in the air,
The painful loss of someone you can’t
Touch.

[Hawkman]

There's a lot to like in this Dieter, but you might, perhaps, have over sugared it a bit. Maybe made it a little twee in places. A few careful excisions would give it a boost.

Live and be well - H

[Buh4Bee]

Thanks for the correction! Your humor is quaint. What a peach!

[Haunted]

It's really lovely. But watch out for overwriting, to prevent diluting a wonderful piece, For example, you only need one or the other:

She winds and twines
Between the trunks of naked trees

Fauns might watch her move from birch to birch.


Also:

Her dress,
Diaphanous and white and long,
Glides over black-soaked barks

If it's "Diaphanous", it'll most definitely gets torn gliding over bark.

IOW you can cut back some, and make a strong piece even stronger.

[DieterM]

@Buh4Bee, glad you liked it, even if I tend to agree with haunted and Hawkman that, upon rereading it, I find it rather over-written. As soon as inspiration comes my way again, I guess I'll give it a second go, somewhat less sugary.
Well, @haunted and @Hawkman, the above says it all. I agree with both of you, must've got carried away by a gust of early-springtime-makes-me-crazy-wind. Or else by my boyfriend's excellent 3000-kcal-per-bite cake ;-)

[AuntShecky]

Dieter! You've got SPRING? Could you ship a little over to these shores?

I liked the homage to neoclassicism in this one, maybe it could be trimmed a little. I'd consolidate the closing line into the previous line, so as not to have a one-word line. It's assymetrical, and throws off the neoclassic content.

The fauns-- if their randy reputation is true-- will do more than merely "watch." Maybe "ogle" or "leer at." You did know that "diaphanous" means see-through, right? Haunted is correct in her observation that this type of sheer material isn't made for rustic ramblings.

[DieterM]

Oh auntie, we did have a gust of spring indeed last weekend. Fine weather, blue sky, long stroll through the Parc de St Cloud, one of Napoleon's favourites. The trees still leaveless except two or three cherry trees in blossom, would you believe it? Strange sight, I tell you. Thanks for your observations, I did choose diaphanous deliberately btw. I guess I was thinking of those (rich) women running around in see-through clothes at the very end of the revolutionary years, when the French Revolution had a slight right-wing backlash, just before Napoleon came onto the scene. All those empire-style dresses you see in movie-adaptations of Austen-novels should show bottoms and bosoms if they were to be historically correct! Of course, both of you are right that that kind of clothing wouldn't make it from birch bark to birch bark. But hey, we're talking Arcadia and goddesses here, lol! No, seriously, I'll keep all your remarks in mind when editing the whole thing.