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syymy94
02-27-2014, 04:19 AM
It had been quick, they said. Her death. Lidi's death. Whoever did it was merciful and had made it quick. Nobody could quite accept it, nobody wanted to. I surely didn't. But the world moved on and the funeral was done and we were all force fed the truth. The mass murderer has arrived in town and its first victim was Lidi.

"She was so sweet."

"Best student I've ever had."

"I can't believe she's gone"

The adults mourned over her death, trading memories and compliments that Lidi will never hear. The rest of us, friends and siblings, stood huddled in a corner, all silent for a record breaking period of time. We had done our crying and were trying to digest the fact that the body laying in the box 10 feet away from us was a dead body. Furthermore, it was the body of Lidi Solomon.


As I arrive to school, I take a deep breath and send away the mournful thoughts of Lidi. School is eerily quiet. Whispers of Lidi's name can be heard in every corner of the school, in the mouths of each student and faculty member, even silently on the walls of the bathrooms where vented anger is covered by tributes to the beauty that just died. I walk down the hallway, alone and in silence. Those that I brush past watch me with careful, pitiful eyes. To them, Lidi was a sweet, beautiful girl with good grades. To me, she was everything.

The bell rings, and as though a switch was flipped, everyone starts hurrying to class. I too, try to put all thoughts out of my mind and brace myself for the day ahead of me. As I hurry down the hallway, I trip and fall. Rit, Lidi’s boyfriend, offers a hand to help me up. I take it and blush, confused about my own pounding heart and aware of the eyes of girls rushing past us. As I get up, I think I see from the corner of my eye a wisp of beautiful long hair. Lidi's beautiful long hair. It is going to be a very long day.

The day passes in a blur, but a very slow blur. Traces of Lidi lingers in various locations from her locker, never to be opened until the next school year, to her seats in different classes, never to be filled for nobody can bring themselves to sit there. Classes pass slowly yet I am unable to soak in any of the information presented. Foods taste like sand and voices mesh into one. As hard as I try, I am unable to block the thoughts that torture my mind and everything it controlls. Finally, the last bell of the day rings. It feels as though all life force has been drained from me. As I step out of the classroom, I swear I see Lidi flit past the window, though I must have imagined it. After all, Lidi is dead and I am tired.

When I arrive home, I check the mailbox. Same old, same old. There are advertisements for nobody, checks for my parents, and cards of sympathy and sorrow for our recent loss. We probably received more cards in the past couple days than in our entire lives. After all, Lidi was more than just a friend. She was family, close family. One of the cards was a postcard. A strange one, addressed from Oregon. Who do we know in Oregon? Did someone go there on a vacation recently? I flip the card open and read it.



I AM NOT DEAD. MEET ME AT THE PIZZERIA'S TONIGHT AT 7.


I stare at the card, mind blank and speechless.
She's not dead? Wait but there's no name on this. So who's not dead? Don't be stupid, you only know one dead person. This has got to be a hoax! But what if it's real? That's impossible. You watched her dead body at the funeral. But what about all those shadows of her throughout the day? You were hallucinating! I still have to go to see....

Thoughts run through my head, debating furiously. I think about all the possibilities and logical reasonings. Then I think about all books I've read, fiction and non-fiction. This can't be true. That night at 6:50 p.m., I set out for the pizzeria.

I walk into the pizzeria at 6:59, not knowing what to expect. The place is small and quiet with few customers, not solely due to the fact that it was Monday night. The lights are dim, some even flashing on and off. Tiles create shapes on the floor that, having darkened over the years, form a warped, unrecognizable pattern. There is a chubby blond waitress with cropped hair sitting slouched in a metal chair behind the cashier. She wears a messy, yellow uniform stained with grease and sauce. Her skin shows traces of youthful acne and her dark, gray eyes betray boredom and an uneventful life. Her nose is small and sharp and her buckteeth protrude from her mouth, resting on her lower lip. She suddenly leans forward, hunched over her phone and furiously texting a message.

Walking past her, I take a seat next to the window. What now? Who am I meeting? I am such an idiot for coming. In half an hour, I am going to be walking home not knowing why I left the house in the first place. I look out the window. Darkness. I look at the clock. It is frozen with both hands on 12. The clock must've broken recently. The displayed time on the clock send shivers throughout my body and I rub my arms for warmth. I check my phone for the time. It just turned from 6:59 to 7:00. I feel a strong, forceful breeze as the door creaks open. A tall, slender person walks in.

She - I assume it’s a girl by her graceful gait - is tall and covered from head to toe in a black hooded cloak like a character from a sci-fi movie. She walks over to my table and looks down at me. Through the hood, I see beautiful, glowing blue eyes set in a face of perfection. Her smooth, pale skin shines in the darkness of her hood. Perfect, small lips curve upward into a sly grin. Through the hood, I see Lidi.
I stare. And stare. And stare. Lidi smiles broadly and whispers.

"Miss me?"

"Lidi?" I whisper back.

She nods subtly. Turning, she lifts a finger and gestures for me to follow. Dumbfounded, I follow her out of the pizzeria. We walk through the neighborhood and into our park, the park where we shared everything from our first splinter to our first breakup.

"You remember this place, no?" Lidi seems to ask. Although a whisper, her delicate voice cuts through the night. Her back is turned to me and the moon seems to illuminate her. Even hidden in her cloak, she is unmistakably beautiful.

"Of course. This is our place. Lidi, what happened? How are you here? I thought you died."

"What makes you so sure that I am alive or if this is even me? You saw my dead body get buried."

"I can’t be wrong. You're still Lidi. Tell me Lidi. What happened? Why are you hiding yourself?"

She turns, eyes bright with excitement and a broad, chilling grin spreads across her face. The moon glows passionately behind her does nothing to ease my nerves. Ignoring my questions, she speaks.

"Come. Join me. I have died once before but never again will I fall. Join me in my world."

She steps towards me, and instinctively, I step backwards. Her eyes lure me in and her smile, while chilling, makes me desire in awe. I want to join whatever she speaks of. Be part of whatever makes her radiate dark brightness. She takes another step. This time, I don't move. Mesmerized by her presence, I am rooted to the ground. As she takes another step, I close my eyes and tilt my head back, soaking in the radiance of her presence. I let out a small sigh as cold gentle lips press against my neck. I stay frozen as the lips move their way up to the side of my neck, along my ears, and down to my lips. When the coldness reach my lips, I open my eyes as though awakened. Trying to push away, I place a hand on Lidi's shoulder. However, as though being controlled, it slides past her shoulder and down her back, locking us in an embrace. From behind Lidi, I watch as what seemed like an army of glowing eyes and floating cloaks approach us. I shiver and widen my eyes, struggling to break free. A sweet, cold tongue slips into my mouth and down my throat as darkness takes over with a slight shiver.

Xidwen
02-27-2014, 09:31 AM
A strange and eerie story indeed, but very well written and cool. This seems like, if this continued on, it would make an excellent novel. Good Job!

108 fountains
02-27-2014, 11:25 AM
There are lots of unanswered questions here. Is the specter of Lidi real or is it a product of the narrator's imagination? Why does Lidi come back in such a form? What is her intention in bringing the narrator to the park? What exactly does she mean by saying, “Join me in my world.”? These unanswered questions might turn off some readers, but I like the vagueness – it leaves more to the reader’s imagination, which to me, makes the story all the more chilling. In fact, while I was reading the last paragraph, I was expecting it to end with Lidi being a vampire, which would have been a disappointment. I much prefer the sweet, cold tongue slipping into the mouth to sharp teeth puncturing the jugular vein.

There are a couple of things you might want to consider revising:
1) Leave out the army of glowing eyes and floating cloaks. To me, this makes the story just another story about zombies. If you leave this out, the interaction between the narrator and the specter remains completely intimate, and the reader will continue to wonder if the specter is real or a product of the narrator's imagination.
2) Delete the first paragraph. I don’t think that it is necessarily important for the reader to know how Lidi died, and not knowing how she died would add yet another unanswered question for the reader, adding yet another element of strangeness to the story. And. (The reference to Lidi being the first victim of a mass murderer I think detracts from the rest of the story – it made me expect more murders, which did not happen.)
3) The scene with the postcard is a bit awkward. Most postcards I’ve ever seen are postmarked on the same side as the message. Also, why should it be marked from a place far away. A note inside an unstamped envelope addressed to the narrator might be better.
4) The phrase, “She suddenly leans forward…” made me think the waitress was going to play some role in the story when, in fact, she is just part of the background setting. Maybe replace with, “She is…”

Overall, I enjoyed the story a lot.

syymy94
02-27-2014, 09:50 PM
A strange and eerie story indeed, but very well written and cool. This seems like, if this continued on, it would make an excellent novel. Good Job!

Thank you so much :) I actually wrote this story with the intent of it being open ended and vague so I actually would not know what to write about if I were to continue it.

syymy94
02-27-2014, 10:11 PM
108 fountains, Thank you so much for your inputs. I will take them into consideration and make some edits.

I actually meant for the "postcard" to just be a regular card (the "get well" type). Not sure why I made it a "postcard."
I do agree with the point about an unstamped envelope though and will change that.
I also agree with the point about the mass murder and will take that out along with the army behind Lidi. I originally intended for it to be sort of an apocalypse with the world slowly being taken over by these creatures that go around kissing people to death, but making it just about Lidi and the protagonist would definitely enhance Lidi's character and the intimacy of the final scene.
I intended for the first paragraph to be a reinforcement of the fact that Lidi was this perfect student and perfect girl so that the change she underwent (or the "other side" of her that she was hiding - you can interpret it however you like) can be brought out even more.
I actually wrote the part about the waitress while imagining myself walking into a dingy little diner and thinking about what I might see. It was also supposed to make the mood seem deceptively innocent and normal, though I can see how it might also be distracting.

Overall, thank you so much for your feedback :)

Calidore
02-28-2014, 10:11 PM
I thought this was a decent effort. I do agree with fountains' point about the whole postcard thing, though (especially its origin). Likewise, given the way the narrator talks about Lidi, the way everyone reacts to the narrator when they see him at school ("Those that I brush past watch me with careful, pitiful eyes. To them, Lidi was a sweet, beautiful girl with good grades. To me, she was everything."), and the way she seeks him out, it's confusing when her boyfriend Rit helps our hero up after he trips. Since neither he nor the tripping serve any actual story purpose, they can safely be deleted. Red herrings (if that was the intent) should at least be a logical part of the story. Otherwise they're just unnecessary random clutter.

Also, be careful of overwriting. I don't have a problem with the first paragraphs themselves, but your first four sentences are actually two sentences plus redundancy.

Finally, having a first-person narrator who dies at the end is a major logic hole.