Dumb Moon

[Lykren]

Slipping through crowds
I see the damp sky
is awash with fruiting clouds,
I sense the naked tang
of love is curling over me,
a ribbon hung on high,
undiminished.

Like the scent of hatred
fluid planets accomplish
a saccharine loveliness.

From a blank canvas demons
spring, unwashed by cold music
or these artless hands.

[Jack of Hearts]

You almost have quite the poem here in stanza 1. Not every poem catches my eye like that-- like finding a bit of unpolished, rare ore. Needs a working over, though.

Stanza 2 is a stinker and drags everything down down down.

Stanza 3 is more the average quality I'd expect, for better or worse.

(Back to the lab again).




J

[Lykren]

Poetry is weird. Stanza two is the only one I like, barring the word 'sweet' which I will shortly remove.