PDA

View Full Version : The Moth and the Flame



glennr25
02-26-2014, 02:02 PM
Darkness is all I know.

Hollow.

Black.

Darkness.

The physical and spiritual kind. I don’t remember the last time I saw the sun or felt the wind in my hair. Booked the place after beating a guy to about an inch of his life out in the yard. They call it solitary confinement, I call it the suicide box. Because a few days in this place and you’ll be praying to the prison gods for a quick release.

Oh, I’m also on death row, yeah, getting the needle in a couple hours for a double murder charge. Only thing is, I didn’t do it. Yeah, yeah, I know, everyone says that, right?

Difference between me and everyone is I’m telling the truth.

***

It all started when I was making my nightly run to the s**thole bar out in the boonies. Ain’t nothing special about the place. The same dirt bags showed up every night and did the same s**t—drowned their sorrows in cheap booze. After my wife left me for some hotshot business guy, I felt like being a dirt bag too, and there ain’t nothing better than being a dirt bag than being a dirt bag while in the company of other dirt bags. Made you feel like you were part of some f***ed up fraternity.

Anyway, I started visiting the place on the regular, got to the point where I didn’t even know I was doing it. Like a moth coming back to the same light every night only to get burned each and every time; it doesn’t know why it does it, all it knows is that there’s something more powerful pulling it in, something it has no control over. Until one night it gets too close and…Zzzzp—the moth is no more.

I was seated at the bar, on my third glass of bourbon, minding my own business, when some punk comes up to me and says, “You’re in my spot.”

At first I didn’t say anything, just turned and gave him a look that said “There’s plenty of seats. Pick one and leave me the hell alone.” But he didn’t get the message. I went to go pick up my glass from the countertop, when he reached over and grabbed it from my hand, downed the bourbon in one shot.

“You’re in my spot,” he said, placing the empty glass back down on the countertop.

“You’re going to pay for that drink.”

“The hell I am.”

All the pent-up rage I had bottled up inside of me came out in one instant. I picked up the glass in my hand and smashed it on his forehead. The whole place stopped. The punk went down holding his hands up to his head; blood seeped through his fingers. I was surprised he was still conscious after a blow to the head like that. He got up and looked at me with his good eye. “You sonofab**ch,” he said, “you’re gonna pay for that.”

“The hell I am.”

He left real quick-like. Everyone went back to their drinks. I ordered about six more myself.

Never saw the punk again after that night.

***

A few nights later I was at the bar, having my usual, when something on the TV caught my attention. I motioned over to the bartender to turn up the volume. Apparently, a woman and man were found dead in some house. Funny thing was, the house looked a lot like mine, and the woman, well, the woman looked just like my ex-wife.

I got in my truck and raced over there. The whole place was a madhouse. The bourbon in my system was mixing with the adrenaline spikes, clouding my judgment. If I’d known any better I would have been halfway to Mexico by now. Instead I flagged down an officer to get an explanation and he pulled his gun out on me.

And that’s how I ended up in here. The guy I beat the s**t out of in the yard told me why. Seems like the punk I smashed in the head with the glass is well connected, has an uncle that’s some big drug kingpin, controls the largest drug operation in New Orleans. Somehow they figured out I had a wife before, must have looked her up in the directory, kidnapped her, along with her new husband, and killed them execution style in my living room, planted the gun with my fingerprints and everything, even had a witness. Tried telling everyone I was setup, pleaded even. They ain’t listen. Said they got me dead to rights.

The cell door opens. Light engulfs the darkness. I put my hand up to shield my eyes. The warden comes in with two guards.

“It’s time,” he says and steps aside.

The guards put chains on my wrists and ankles and walk me down the long corridor to the execution chamber. The warden asks me if I want to dress up for the occasion. I don’t say anything. He takes that as a no and gives the thumbs up to the guards to get me on the table.

Once I’m on the table, IV in place, the curtains in the witness room are drawn back. I turn my head and look at the faces glaring at me. I recognize my ex-wife’s parents sitting in the front row, an older couple seated in the back that I figure to be the husband’s parents, and a half-dozen or so strangers. My own parents are nowhere in sight.

A man seated by himself catches my attention. He’s wearing a hat and has an eye patch over his right eye. He lifts his head up and winks at me with his good eye.

“Sonofab**ch!” I yell.

I watch him smirk as the curtains close.

After they calm me down with some sedatives, the curtains open again. The warden asks me if I have any last words.

I can only think of one.

“Justice.”

108 fountains
02-26-2014, 02:14 PM
Hey, I really liked this. Plain, simple, but good writing. No embellishments, no complicated vocabulary, no convoluted plot - none needed. It was just a good story, well-written, with a straight-forward, but very interesting plot and a great ending. I also like the fact that you checked for spelling and grammar and that you varied your sentence length and style. Really well done.

glennr25
02-26-2014, 02:42 PM
Thanks for reading fountains, and glad you enjoyed the story. I've been writing stories recently with complex characters finding themselves in complex situations, so my goal when writing this one was to go for more simplicity; just some guy that finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time. This story was actually influenced a great deal by my new favorite show True Detective. Thanks again.

Calidore
02-26-2014, 05:54 PM
Glenn, your biggest enemy as a writer has always been your haste in getting the story written and over with at the expense of thinking things through, and that's what torpedoes this one in a big way.

Setting: Just a little time spent researching life on death row would have avoided some big problems with the setting. For starters, beating someone up in the yard couldn't happen in the first place, as death row inmates are already in permanent solitary confinement. Furthermore, inmates who are in solitary aren't kept in total silent darkness. I'm pretty sure that the execution witnesses are behind one-way glass as well and not visible to the prisoner.

Storytelling: Here you jump quickly from relating plot point A to relating plot point B without any development at all. This matters even for the plausible events, but is especially important for the seemingly ridiculous ones, like practically the whole plot.

Plotting: The story depends on a drug kingpin whose nephew gets in a bar fight being both able and inclined, within just a few days, to find the identity and personal history of the random guy he fought, and track down the man's ex and her husband. Oh, and also get fake fingerprints made(?!). Then while our guy is out at the bar one evening, they very quickly kidnap both people, transport them to our protagonist's house, and kill them (and the police and news reporters even have time to get established at the scene), all before he gets home. And aside from the previously-mentioned impossibility of him meeting someone in the prison yard, it takes a random guy he meets in a prison yard who somehow knows everything to clue him in on what happened. Absolutely none of this works; it's all convenience and coincidence invented on the fly for the purpose of telling this particular story. Plus, we have a personal pet peeve of mine--the first-person narrator who dies at the end of the story yet somehow still tells the story.

Originality: None here. Regular guy runs afoul of ultra-powerful bad guy who effortlessly frames him for a crime, and he's but a helpless fly trapped in a spiderweb of corruption and, well, the end. What's the purpose? Even if you're starting with a cliched plot, you can still get dividends from finding some aspect to spin in an original fashion, then making that aspect the story. And if you try and are unable to find anything to write about, that should tell you not to bother.

So here's some food for thought. Nobody is going to be more interested in a story you're telling than you, the writer, are. If you have a story like this that even you're not interested in enough to spend adequate time on research, plausible plot development, or more-than-rote storytelling, then that should be a clue that your time would be better spent on another idea.

I'm also going to encourage you once again to branch out. Nearly every one of your stories posted here covers one of two variations on the same theme: Protagonist dies either A) heroically and tragically, or B) unavoidably and tragically. Even when you do try for some originality in the setting and characters (which you have been better about lately), you still just end up hammering them into this same template. Even the simplest of pop songs has more than two notes played again and again. I've pointed out before in feedback where I thought you had something in a story worth developing in its own way, like your time-traveling problem-solver. Go back and look at some of your ideas, and try letting the ideas lead you around for a change. And don't be in such a damn hurry to finish ASAP all the time.

glennr25
02-27-2014, 04:37 PM
Very good points, Cal. I admit that I went into this one a bit too hastily. The whole solitary confinement thing while on death row is true. I read somewhere that said death row inmates are kept in a different part of the prison altogether, so I automatically thought that meant they were kept together but separate from the rest of the other inmates. I'll have to revisit this story and do a complete rewrite, maybe expand on it a bit more. Thanks for the critique.

AuntShecky
02-27-2014, 06:33 PM
Well, Glenn, I don't want to sound like a broken record here ( although you're probably too young to know what a record --broken or otherwise -- is), but I really wish that as a developing writer you would choose topics with which you are familiar or have experienced first-hand rather than revisiting subjects that have been already done to death (pun intended.)


This story was actually influenced a great deal by my new favorite show True Detective.

That's a good show, I agree, but rather than watching movies or tv, try to get out of the house and observe life as it is really being lived.

As a human being, you have your own personal view of the world. We certainly don't need more watered-down versions of criminal sagas or sordid tales, but we could use a creative work that can only come out of the unique vision of glennr25.

Ask yourself if you would really, really like this story if someone else had written it.

Write the story that you would like to read.

glennr25
02-27-2014, 07:06 PM
Well, Glenn, I don't want to sound like a broken record here ( although you're probably too young to know what a record --broken or otherwise -- is), but I really wish that as a developing writer you would choose topics with which you are familiar or have experienced first-hand rather than revisiting subjects that have been already done to death (pun intended.)


That's a good show, I agree, but rather than watching movies or tv, try to get out of the house and observe life as it is really being lived.

As a human being, you have your own personal view of the world. We certainly don't need more watered-down versions of criminal sagas or sordid tales, but we could use a creative work that can only come out of the unique vision of glennr25.

Ask yourself if you would really, really like this story if someone else had written it.

Write the story that you would like to read.


I promise I try to get out as much as possible, Auntie, I've just been busy with studying for the GRE as of late, so I've been spending lots of my time in coffee shops, libraries, and at home. Not much time to have fun, so I watch TV shows, read, and write between studying. On the weekends I go out to the occasional bar or club, hang out with friends. Don't know exactly what it was that drove me to write this story--guess it's because I'm addicted to writing. Can't go too long without writing because I start twitching like a crackhead. Not sure if that's good or not! I appreciate your advice, though.

AuntShecky
02-27-2014, 07:24 PM
You might find richer material in the coffee shop or the "occasional bar or club" and hanging out with your friends, than in TV shows. It's good that you "can't go too long without writing," but in-between, be observant. As Henry Miller said, "Keep your eyes and ears open."

No more rehashes of tired old crime shows, okay?

YesNo
02-27-2014, 07:25 PM
I enjoyed it. These lines confused me: "They ain’t listen. Said they got me dead to rights."

Calidore
02-28-2014, 09:22 PM
Well, Glenn, I don't want to sound like a broken record here ( although you're probably too young to know what a record --broken or otherwise -- is)

According to my neighbor's kids, records are "big black CDs".


rather than revisiting subjects that have been already done to death (pun intended.)

...or at least find an original spin on said subject. I remember a long conversation a while ago about the difference between inspiration and regurgitation.



Ask yourself if you would really, really like this story if someone else had written it.

Write the story that you would like to read.

Sage advice here.


I promise I try to get out as much as possible, Auntie, I've just been busy with studying for the GRE as of late, so I've been spending lots of my time in coffee shops, libraries, and at home. Not much time to have fun, so I watch TV shows, read, and write between studying. On the weekends I go out to the occasional bar or club, hang out with friends. Don't know exactly what it was that drove me to write this story--guess it's because I'm addicted to writing. Can't go too long without writing because I start twitching like a crackhead. Not sure if that's good or not! I appreciate your advice, though.

Nothing wrong with feeling compelled to write. Like any other exercise, the more you do it, the better you get (as long as you're trying to extend your limits).

And good luck on the GRE!


I'll have to revisit this story and do a complete rewrite, maybe expand on it a bit more. Thanks for the critique.

Per above, unless you can think of something new and interesting to add to this story, your time would be better spent on finding something new and interesting elsewhere to write about.

Calidore
03-02-2014, 04:11 PM
Forum member Bad Horse just made a comment on Flannery O'Connor in the "Favorite short story collection" thread that you might take to heart:


She was a great writer, but she only wrote one story, over and over again. How many stories about an alienated and flawed protagonist who dies in the end do you really need to read? She cheated too much, too often, by relying on death to make the story seem significant.

glennr25
03-02-2014, 04:44 PM
Forum member Bad Horse just made a comment on Flannery O'Connor in the "Favorite short story collection" thread that you might take to heart:

Yup, Flannery did write the same endings over and over again. Raymond Carver had the same theme to every of his stories too. I guess that's why those writers are considered to have more of a cult following than other writers. You either hated their work or you loved it. Kinda like fine wine and expensive cigars.