Outside looking in

[VanDangles]

Tamed by the constricts of a tawdry capitalist society, my vulgar lower class persona battles with the futility of escaping the shackles of financial toil and anguish. The wild notions of breaking free from the stigmas of poverty that have haunted me from my torturous juvenile era, firmly grasp and wrench me into the cold depths of depression, like a dragging sail ripping and wildly pulling in the wrong direction in which my dreams desperately cry an invitation for the rest of me to attend. My mind naively cross references every bit and byte of information sucked out of the world since the dawn of my consciousness to formulate a plan worthy of Houdini, to explode the emergency inflation vest of my rescue, ignite the furnace of my green greed and elevate my status into the city centre populous of faceless Saturday afternoon consumers.
The threads of woven yarn extravagantly adorning the faux cancerous shade of singed epidermis and the medical grade saline packs artificially bulging from the pleats of petroleum derived garments unwillingly rouse the beast of carnal desire within the recess of my dark mind. I yearn to conform to an affluent stereotype with whimsical tales of package travels to historically raped shores, void of all previous character and decorated with the useless tawdry adornments of an aged call girl to distract from the tedium of the spectacle. The throbbing craving to hold the latest slate of single piece aluminium adorned with glass of vivid lights and propaganda. Possess an expensive combustion machine of masculine shining splendour and catacomb myself with ear pieces pulsating electronic sounds that douse the flames of individual creativity. Piercing whistles of connectivity from plastic cards cry out hypnotically validating my unoriginal formulation of language on an altered reality collaboration of pixels confirming my connection to the wider demographic.
I want what you take for granted, wealth and mediocrity, the price ironically is all i can afford…….my originality, I give it freely.

[DuckDuckDead]

I really like this but I still can't care about your problems.

[AuntShecky]

Do yourself a favor. Read your short story aloud. Quite a mouthful, right? And ponderous to boot.

Sorely lacking in specifics, this piece seems to me a long string of adjectives and abstract nouns that doesn't really go anywhere. Even "experimental" stories are stories, with a beginning, middle, and end. Something happens. Usually there's a character or two whom readers can recognize as a living, breathing human being. Very often it makes sense.

I don't want to discourage you entirely, but my best advice is to scrap this one and start something new.

Auntie

[VanDangles]

Why are stories constricted to a set of generic principles? Surely writting is about inducing an emotion response to an arrangement of associated words and descriptions, I think this forum is too fixated on an adherement to an already standard form of expression. Experiment instead with evoking an alien feeling of the construction of the descriptive narrative of the emotion. Oh dear if these are the responses of obscure writting, no wonder the stories here are generic rehashes of previously written works. Dont want to put you off your amatuer critic hobby but please broaden your mind with originality before spouting your antiquated views.
Regards
The dangler

[Calidore]

Burying a topic under shovelfuls of extra verbiage doesn't make writing "obscure", just ponderous.


Surely writting is about inducing an emotion response to an arrangement of associated words and descriptions

This isn't bad. Yes, a skill in writing is in successfully bringing out the desired emotions in your readers. So ask yourself, are the emotions expressed by your readers what you wanted your writing to accomplish? If not, don't blame the victim (the reader). Work on your skills.

There's nothing original about overwriting and sneering at the "unoriginal" masses, either, but indulging yourself that way means you'll never get better.


Experiment instead with evoking an alien feeling of the construction of the descriptive narrative of the emotion.

Good example. Last time I saw a sentence like this was Monty Python's Album of the Soundtrack of the Trailer of the film of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and it was intended as comedy.

[engineer1984]

I can relate. I find myself making run on sentences. I revised a pretty good story on here and the revision ended up being kinda lame after I read a few more times. The reason? It was full of analogies and similes, but holy crap was it dense. It's too dense. There are too many times I take the reader onto some long path of an analogy and when I come back the reader is a bit lost.

The story above shows a lot of this... ponderous, rambling, whatever you want to call it. You have a good imagination, the writing just needs to stop at times. I think of a lot of analogies and I have to keep one and throw the other out otherwise I end up doing what you did above. The writing isn't easy to read. That's not the reader's fault.