Easier than the dentist ...flash fiction

[Neil Hotson]

Quick is all right then, I suppose.

That's very short and like lightning, it must be. They wouldn't say so if they didn't mean it would they.

If I squeeze my eyes I might see the playground with the little boy. I remember the corner where I watched girls bounce balls against the wall, and saw the boys fall over and bloody their knees.... I wish I had joined in more.

I felt different then; I know I did. The girls asked me to walk with them by the river but I said no. If I'd said yes to that awkward one I might have been someone else.

Easier then the dentist the guy said; he would have known wouldn't he. He couldn't joke about it to me. His was yesterday so I can't ask him again. But then nobody knows do they.

She was ugly but she did come round to my door; why didn't I go.

Change my life; go in another direction, any other direction. Maybe that was my test and I failed.

I don't know now, that is I'm not sure about anything.

My stomach feels bad.

I quite liked the nativity plays; always had lines. Maybe I could have been an actor; actor's have friends. Friends would have watched me. They clapped us and mum and dad were there.

I felt proud. I wish I felt proud now.

If you can't love yourself how can you love someone else. I couldn't love.

Cruel to myself and cruel to others.

I do hope my sister will be fine.... she's not coming.

I do hope I'll be all right.

Easier than the dentist he said.


The chaplain's coming.

It's time.

Mother help me.

[Neil Hotson]

That's the last submission for a while. I hope you enjoy it.

[Steven Hunley]

This is OK, but could use work, like appropriate question marks. I like it.

[Neil Hotson]

He's talking to himself so I thought it best not to use them. I've a lot to learn, thanks.

[AuntShecky]

Technically it's a little awkward, but the underlying emotion is certainly apparent. Without being too facetious, it reminds me of a Woody Allen line: "It's not that I'm afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens." But just as your story shows, sometimes we're forced to think about unthinkable topics and imagine what it would be like to experience them.

Hope that not too much time goes by before you treat us with another story.

Auntie

[Neil Hotson]

Very kind, thank you.

[Jack of Hearts]

Neil, you ought to keep submitting. You've got a real shot at seeing some real growth as a writer.

This piece isn't quite 'there,' so to speak, at least not for this reader. But there's probably a lot you can learn from writing it. It's a step in the right direction.





J

[Neil Hotson]

Certainly will submit again. Will spend more time on something. This piece was intentionally left discordant.

[travjob]

It's interesting to know that the story was intentionally left discordant, and I agree that was achieved. It seems like there are a handful of different things happening throughout. In an earlier you comment you said that everything was essentially inner monologue, and to that end - when I think about it that way - it actually works really well. Disjointed, and thoughts/memories popping up here and there seemingly unrelated to each other. It seems stream-of-consciousness to me, the way thoughts flow.

Other than fixing the grammatical issues that could help keep the reader reading, rather than noticing and focusing on them, I think this is a curious and thought provoking read.

[Neil Hotson]

Thank you travjob. I didn't think the grammar was bad. He is going to his death, feeling sorry for himself, and talking to himself. This is a good site with sharp critique ! Thanks again ...Neil