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Game
02-19-2014, 11:29 AM
He struggled with his chains, his ropes and his cloth. He’d been tied up well; they knew he’d be trouble if he were to get out. A loud thump made him stop. He didn't notice his mouth stayed slightly open, his eyebrows perfectly still in an expression of extreme concentration. Struggling again, slowly he got into the groove of getting these chains off him.

“Stop! Stop right there Jaime!” a stranger’s voice emerged in front of him, and even though he couldn’t see anything he knew he was at an advantage. The stranger was one of the many who feared him to no end. See, people will believe anything they’re told, and as a good friend once told Jaime, fear cuts deeper than anything; not swords, not magic and not even the sound of blood gushing out of a man’s neck can leave such a lasting and permanent impression.

“Educated, aren’t you?” Jaime said with a slight smirk, the guard assigned to him saw it even through the cloth on his mouth. He trembled almost audibly at the sound of Jaime’s confident voice, even in such a situation Jaime could play most men for fools. It’s what he did best.

“You know you’re only feeding my ego here, don’t you?” Jaime said, the same expression still stuck on his face.

“Quiet! I will hear no more of these treason talks!”

“Or what? You’ll have me hanged?” Jaime let out a laughter that could’ve been thought of as cruel in other circumstances. The guard stayed silent, he still wasn’t sure what Jaime could do or not do to him.

“No, my dear guard. Frankly, you don’t have anything to do or say to make me shut up. Or even stop me from attempting to get out of these chains. The only thing you’re good for is guarding a corpse, unless that scenario scares you as well?”

The sound of a sword going out of its sheath was heard by Jaime, and to that he stopped himself from grinning.

“Oh no, the guard got his shiny weapon out! What shall I do against such a terrible and honorable nemesis?”

Silence followed, “What? That’s it? You’re not going to test-swing that bad boy on me? How else would you get to test your battle skills if not by slaying the great thief, Jaime?”

Jaime felt a tough, raspy hand on his throat. He struggled and wriggled around as the hand clasped his throat harder and harder by the second. He suddenly felt the cloth being taken off his eyes, and the spectacle in front of him was not what he expected to see. A white bearded, large eyed, general-type person who seemed to be mirthless by nature, and even more so by Jaime’s words. The guard to his back had his sword out, his hands trembling so hard he would probably cut his own head off before ever hitting Jaime, for fear he’d put some kind of hard spell on him.

“You like picking on the weak? Think it funny how you play with people’s minds with your god damn tricks?”

Jaime just looked at the aged stranger with a blank stare, struggling to find breath under his tight grip.

“What, cat got your tongue? Where’s the famous sorcerer-thief that can melt people’s fingers off with a movement of his eye? You don’t mean to tell me you can be choked to death like any other person, do you?”

Jaime was really feeling it now, the dizziness wasn’t the problem, he was starting to feel his grip to consciousness being taken away from him, slowly, but definitely surely.

“Leave him be.” a young, stern and seemingly righteous voice from behind the strangling stranger. At once, his grip found its way out of Jaime’s throat.

Jaime coughed once or twice after getting a few huge gulps of air, his vision and senses started coming back to him only to find something else in very close proximity to him. A figure. A man.

An extra gulp of air, and he was feeling a lot sharper. Some of the things they say about him are true, but that’s a given. A myth always has some truth hidden in it.

What most likely was the bearer of the younger voice was now definitely in front of him; his warm breath was now very much felt and noticed by Jaime.

“What is it with you high-borne? Do you find me so irresistible you have to get in my face every other time you see me?” Jaime said to the younger looking, slightly bearded general in front of him. A moment of silence passed, Jaime did not get the response he was looking for.

“By this point, I’d be very much disappointed if you tell me you’re not going to **** me.”

The general stayed silent, his nose almost touching Jaime’s.

“Eh, what am I saying? Forgive me sire, you probably only allow such talk from relatives. Your sister is a very lucky lady.”

The young stranger’s stare stayed for a moment on Jaime’s snickering face, and rose slowly up.

“An amusing one.” The general said without much emotion. His large cloak followed him as he turned to the older man behind him.

“Sire, if you so wish, we could finish him up here. Lord knows people have been put to death for less.” The older person said with his hand on his sword, Jaime noticed he was just barely trembling.

“Finish me up?” Jaime started laughing even though he knew it would cause him the discomfort of throat pain. He didn’t stop for a few seconds.

“Who talks like that? Are you men really that scared of me?” Jaime said, eyebrows slightly up, gaze at the older general.

The general’s eyes filled with fury, his sword went out of its sheath with a ‘swoosh’ of swiftness. Old generals get to grow old because they were either good con-artists or great fighters, this one might’ve been the latter.

“Oh, how nice, the kitty has claws.” Jaime said and shifted his gaze to the younger general, as if to mock how little power the old and aggravated stranger had over the situation, showing him rather than telling him that he cannot harm Jaime without asking his superior.

“You know, every man has a weakness. These slaves can be rattled easily because they fear me, but you, you’ll be a tougher nut to crack.”

“You will pay for this with your head!” The general screamed; his eyes red with what can only be thought of as fury in its most fundamental form.

“John, shut up.” The younger commander said quietly.

“Lord Commander! This rascal---“

“---Do I have to tell you once more?” The young commander cut the older John off with a fiercer voice than Jaime has expected. John put the sword back into its sheath and remained silent after the initial shock set in.

“This scoundrel is nothing more than a mere bandit. Leave two guards with him and come with me, John.”

“But Lord Commander, this man---“

“---Will be hanged tomorrow at dawn, in the applicable place, in the applicable time.” The younger commander cut John off again, and walked away without a second look at Jaime.

John watched him walk away, his eyes trailed off for a moment after his Lord Commander was gone.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure one day he’ll return your love.” Jaime sighed as if to show he was bored of this whole situation.

John turned to Jaime abruptly, his eyebrows furrowed, his mouth as straight as the blade of a freshly crafted dagger. He walked a step closer, crouched and looked Jaime straight in his bright blue eyes.

“You’ll get yours soon, traitor.”

Out of the corner of his eye Jaime spotted the incoming fist, but it was too late and too forgetful to think he could’ve blocked it. His head lay limp as the senior lieutenant left the room, his steps heavy with anger.

-----

If you read this far, thank you. Comments would be very much appreciated, I think I've gotten a bit better. This one I plan to put some thought into, maybe make it a full story.

Calidore
02-19-2014, 11:33 PM
This story has one big problem, and it's a killer: It's completely empty. We have a prisoner smarting off to a couple of military types, and that's it--no context, no real characters, thus no reason for the reader to care about any of this. And not only do we not know if Jaime is a good guy, a bad guy, or a tweener, or if he's a main character or a supporting character, but every one of those six possibilities could still fit the scene exactly as written. That's why I say the story is empty; there's simply nothing of substance here.

Game
02-20-2014, 05:11 AM
This story has one big problem, and it's a killer: It's completely empty. We have a prisoner smarting off to a couple of military types, and that's it--no context, no real characters, thus no reason for the reader to care about any of this. And not only do we not know if Jaime is a good guy, a bad guy, or a tweener, or if he's a main character or a supporting character, but every one of those six possibilities could still fit the scene exactly as written. That's why I say the story is empty; there's simply nothing of substance here.

Appreciate the response, but is there really a lot of substance in the first thousand words of a story? I'm genuinely asking, what would you add in order to fill that void?

Calidore
02-20-2014, 02:32 PM
Appreciate the response, but is there really a lot of substance in the first thousand words of a story? I'm genuinely asking, what would you add in order to fill that void?

Yes, absolutely! The first 1000 words are vital for hooking your reader in the first place, and especially the first 100 words. You need to grab your readers' interest as soon as possible in order to convince them to keep reading. That obviously doesn't mean giving away up front the entirety of the plot or full bios on the characters, but you need to plant seeds to grow later.

The other problem is, you said above:


This one I plan to put some thought into, maybe make it a full story.

...which means you haven't done either yet. Lesson: When you write a piece of a story with nothing concrete in mind, the piece of a story will reflect that. First, put some thought into it, then write it.

Game
02-20-2014, 04:17 PM
Yes, absolutely! The first 1000 words are vital for hooking your reader in the first place, and especially the first 100 words. You need to grab your readers' interest as soon as possible in order to convince them to keep reading. That obviously doesn't mean giving away up front the entirety of the plot or full bios on the characters, but you need to plant seeds to grow later.

The other problem is, you said above:



...which means you haven't done either yet. Lesson: When you write a piece of a story with nothing concrete in mind, the piece of a story will reflect that. First, put some thought into it, then write it.

Well, there was some thought. Not an outline because I found those suck the fun right out of my writing, but a general idea of a few kingdoms, Jaime being rescued by his companion and move the plot from there. How would I reflect that this early in the story?

Calidore
02-20-2014, 10:58 PM
Well, there was some thought. Not an outline because I found those suck the fun right out of my writing, but a general idea of a few kingdoms, Jaime being rescued by his companion and move the plot from there. How would I reflect that this early in the story?

Some people like outlines, some don't. If you want to let the characters write the story forward, there's nothing wrong with that (though you should still have an idea where this is all going to go, or else the lack of direction will show also). However, you do still need to work out the story before the story. You need to know exactly who these people are, what their motivations are, and the setting for these events. In short, how and why they're where they are right now. Then you have something to communicate to the reader to get him interested.

glennr25
02-20-2014, 11:57 PM
I second Cal's advice. The first paragraph was definitely a good hook, but the whole thing bottomed out after that, and I stopped reading about half way through. My advice: Keep the first paragraph, get some perspective on where you want this to go, then write.

Game
02-21-2014, 05:51 AM
Some people like outlines, some don't. If you want to let the characters write the story forward, there's nothing wrong with that (though you should still have an idea where this is all going to go, or else the lack of direction will show also). However, you do still need to work out the story before the story. You need to know exactly who these people are, what their motivations are, and the setting for these events. In short, how and why they're where they are right now. Then you have something to communicate to the reader to get him interested.
Hah, alright. That sounds do-able. Thank you Calidore, you've been very helpful.


I second Cal's advice. The first paragraph was definitely a good hook, but the whole thing bottomed out after that, and I stopped reading about half way through. My advice: Keep the first paragraph, get some perspective on where you want this to go, then write.
I'll get a basic plotline going and try again, thank you Glennr for the perspective.