thats when she fell for.

[Jerrybaldy]

Dressed entirely in pink
With perspiration glistening
On his manicured moustache
He shot the waitress
On her journey to his table
With eggs over easy.
He had stirred his coffee
Three times.
Watched the kid outside
Slap his brother.
He had saw greater pain
in the eyes of the attacker.
The waitress fell slowly
The over easy eggs
Hovered uneasily in the air.
The salt cellar turned upside down
The sun cut the corner of 24th and 3rd.
He rubbed his knees
Awaiting more.
The cash till rang a bell.
The Shirelles were singing
Look out look out look out.
He wasn't in the mind to be looking.
They took him
As she hit the floor.

[Lykren]

The sun cut the corner of 24th and 3rd.

That line, for me, is the highlight. I quite like it.

[blank|verse]

Reads like a Tarantino script this one, Jerry, although with the exception of the bad guy getting his comeuppance at the end. In fact, I found the ending disappointingly conventional in that respect… but maybe that’s unconventional for a Jerry poem, when I expected the guy to walk out scot-free.

I'm no expert, but should it be The Shangri-Las rather than The Shirelles, if the title ‘thats when she fell for’ is a reference to ‘The Leader of the Pack’ (‘That’s when I fell for the leader of the pack’), as the song also contains the lyrics ‘Look out! Look out!’ etc.

On second reading, I wonder if there’s some mischievous sexual allusions being made, with the rather phallic guy ‘dressed entirely in pink’ and the waitress with her ‘eggs over easy’.

But a ‘manicure’ refers to the hands, so having a ‘manicured moustache’ reads oddly, even though I know what you mean, and I’m sure the alliteration is alluring. And I don’t know if you’re using a dialect phrase here, but the construction ‘he had saw’ still jars:

He had saw greater pain

I agree with Lykren about the ‘sun cut the corner’ line, although I think it’s in the wrong place. Because it’s an ‘exterior’ image, it breaks the tension of the otherwise interior scene, with the waitress falling in slo-mo. (That said, I’m struggling to know exactly where to place it; somewhere around the lines: ‘Watched the kid outside | Slap his brother’ I’d suggest.) In fact, I think the slo-mo section could be tighter; I wonder if you need these lines:

He rubbed his knees
Awaiting more.

I also thought the ‘easy – uneasy’ pun a bit too much of a strain…

The over easy eggs
Hovered uneasily in the air.

But overall, it’s brilliantly evocative of a ‘50s US diner. Or at least, of my image of one gleaned entirely from films and tv shows.

[Jerrybaldy]

The Shangril las. Bugger. Thanks again for such a thought out and rewarding response blank|verse. I can see the sense in all of your points. Many thanks.