The Sixth Day

[glennr25]

If you'd like to read the story send me a PM.

[Calidore]

Glad to see you're doing sci-fi again!

* The biblical quote at the beginning is actually Genesis 2:7. I'm not sure where "2:4-3:24" came from.

* Date, time, and coordinates for the Garden of Eden during the Sixth Day? Where did he get those exactly?

* Move "forgive me" to after the stabbing rather than before. Why sneak up and then warn him first?

* The the physical makeup of the machine could be clarified. Caine walks up to it and examines it, but then exits it; later, it has a hatch on top, which makes me wonder how he has room to thoroughly examine it from inside. Especially since it has room for only one seat. And if it's enclosed like that, then how did David know it only had one seat? This whole bit could use some more thinking out.

* Pronoun trouble: "If Caine told David he wasn’t going with him, he would surely attack him and take off in the Machine." That should be rewritten for clarity.

* Since Caine exits the machine carrying his knife and Bible, that should be mentioned at the time, rather than having them suddenly appear later. Though I don't know if you intended it that way, but having the Bible be a kind of literal deus ex machina was excellent.

* I especially like the backup serpent.

* I do have to question the convenient exposed wires that a serpent could easily tear out with his mouth. Also, the water splashing into the cabin would have been pretty much irrelevant, since the aforementioned exposed (and now heavily-damaged) wiring would have shorted out as soon as he hit the floodwater.

One thing confused me: Between naming your protagonist Caine and having him commit an unjust murder, I was expecting some kind of ironic comeuppance related to his name. Being dropped into the Great Flood didn't seem to have anything to do with his name or his actions, though it did show the futility of his hubris in trying to change things for all of humanity. Was that your intent?

[glennr25]

Thank you for reading, Cal, and, as always, for all the wonderful feedback you've provided.

*The verse is in fact from 2:7, I have no idea where I got the 2:4-3:24 from. I think I looked it up online and forgot to double check it. Thanks for correcting that for me.

*As for him punching in the date, time, and coordinates--maybe I should leave that part out? Say he input the date into the panel instead?

*The way I pictured Caine killing David in my head did not translate as well into words. Went ahead and moved "forgive me" after he stabs David.

* The hatch is actually a door with a small porthole window. I'll have to change that around so it's more clear.

*Changed the pronoun "he" to David.

*I agree, I'll definitely mention him holding the bible in his hand, and maybe have him adjust the knife in his belt as he gets up.

*Glad you liked the backup Serpent. That was the easiest part to write, since I already knew Caine was destined to fail from the beginning.

*The exposed wires were not thoroughly explained, I agree. But imagine the resources one would have in a post-apocalyptic world. Caine wouldn't necessarily have access to state of the art technology. Most likely he had to scavenge parts from older machines scattered all over.

I'm glad you caught on to the name, and I've actually had a couple people tell me the same thing. In the beginning I didn't know what name to go with for the MC, so I looked at some of the more recognizable names from the bible, and somehow ended up with Cain from the Cain and Abel story, son of Adam and Eve, and simply added the "E" at the end. When the snake rips the page from the bible, it's the title for Genesis 4, Cain and Abel. So is it possible Adam and Eve named their two sons Cain and Abel because they found this piece of paper on the ground? Maybe. That's the farthest I wanted to go with the connection. I realize I could have taken a completely different route to the story and had Caine interact with Adam and Eve. Maybe stay with them for a while, become friendly with Eve and such, but I wanted the emphasis to be on the Serpent, and Caine's subsequent punishment for thinking himself above everyone else.

Thanks again for the feedback.

[Calidore]

*As for him punching in the date, time, and coordinates--maybe I should leave that part out? Say he input the date into the panel instead?

Same problem, though; where'd he get an actual date in the first place? The only idea I can offer is that Caine based his location and date settings on the best guesses biblical researchers had come up with by 2115, and lucked out.


*The exposed wires were not thoroughly explained, I agree. But imagine the resources one would have in a post-apocalyptic world. Caine wouldn't necessarily have access to state of the art technology. Most likely he had to scavenge parts from older machines scattered all over.

That works; just make it clear in the physical descriptions that this is a MacGyvered rattletrap that only had to hold together long enough to work twice.


When the snake rips the page from the bible, it's the title for Genesis 4, Cain and Abel. So is it possible Adam and Eve named their two sons Cain and Abel because they found this piece of paper on the ground? Maybe.

Ouch, that's worse. If Adam and Eve are the first two people, they wouldn't know how to read, because there's no writing yet (let alone modern English writing).


I realize I could have taken a completely different route to the story and had Caine interact with Adam and Eve. Maybe stay with them for a while, become friendly with Eve and such, but I wanted the emphasis to be on the Serpent, and Caine's subsequent punishment for thinking himself above everyone else.

Aside from the same language barrier, that could be an interesting alternative idea: Caine kills the serpent but, with his modern clothes and attitudes, unknowingly takes its place and is the one cursed by God instead. Adam and Eve name their son after the stranger, and he ends up cursed as well per the original story.

[108 fountains]

I found the story very creative - of all the time travel stories I've come across with people trying to change the past for one reason or another, this is the first time I've come across the obvious ultimate attempt to change the past, the actual Fall of Man. Naming the character Caine was also a really nice touch. The name of his assistant David, also has Biblical implications, but a better name for the assistant might be Joshua, which is derived from the Greek Yeshu'a for Jesus and also from the Hebrew Yahweh for God. I thought the various other Biblical references also added to the mood and the theme. I especially thought the last sentence was well done, both in thought and in writing.
The irony is very nice - his intention of freeing mankind from sin was noble, but in order to set his plan into action, he had to murder his assistant, which resulted in his being condemned to hell. The means did not justify the end. (even though Caine had made an interesting attempt to justify it by rationalizing that the murder would not have happened if he was ultimately successful in changing the past.) The one thing that confused me was the second serpent with "a colorful bundle of wires hanging from its mouth." I didn't get until re-reading it that the second serpent had pulled out the wires from the time machine thus causing it to malfunction. I guess that's okay, but you could possibly just leave that phrase out without detriment to the rest of the story.

[glennr25]

Same problem, though; where'd he get an actual date in the first place? The only idea I can offer is that Caine based his location and date settings on the best guesses biblical researchers had come up with by 2115, and lucked out.



That works; just make it clear in the physical descriptions that this is a MacGyvered rattletrap that only had to hold together long enough to work twice.



Ouch, that's worse. If Adam and Eve are the first two people, they wouldn't know how to read, because there's no writing yet (let alone modern English writing).



Aside from the same language barrier, that could be an interesting alternative idea: Caine kills the serpent but, with his modern clothes and attitudes, unknowingly takes its place and is the one cursed by God instead. Adam and Eve name their son after the stranger, and he ends up cursed as well per the original story.


OK, I went and made some changes to the paragraph describing his departure to the past. Let me know what you think.

A pounding at the door made him jump. Caine wiped the blood off the knife and stuck it in his belt. Then he entered the Machine and shut the door. He punched in the date, time, and coordinates (which he surmised by researching the biblical timeline for the past twenty years) into the panel just as the door to his office flung open. The Machine made a howling noise that pierced through his ears, and a thick fog of smoke filled the room as he watched the mob of people rush over to him through the porthole window.

You're right, Adam and Eve didn't know how to read, so them finding the title for Genesis 4 would be irrelevant. I think I'll just cut that part out.

Hehe, Macgyvered. I think I'll just take fountains' advice and remove that line where the Serpent is carrying the wires in its mouth. Have the reader imagine what the Serpent did to the Machine.

[glennr25]

I found the story very creative - of all the time travel stories I've come across with people trying to change the past for one reason or another, this is the first time I've come across the obvious ultimate attempt to change the past, the actual Fall of Man. Naming the character Caine was also a really nice touch. The name of his assistant David, also has Biblical implications, but a better name for the assistant might be Joshua, which is derived from the Greek Yeshu'a for Jesus and also from the Hebrew Yahweh for God. I thought the various other Biblical references also added to the mood and the theme. I especially thought the last sentence was well done, both in thought and in writing.
The irony is very nice - his intention of freeing mankind from sin was noble, but in order to set his plan into action, he had to murder his assistant, which resulted in his being condemned to hell. The means did not justify the end. (even though Caine had made an interesting attempt to justify it by rationalizing that the murder would not have happened if he was ultimately successful in changing the past.) The one thing that confused me was the second serpent with "a colorful bundle of wires hanging from its mouth." I didn't get until re-reading it that the second serpent had pulled out the wires from the time machine thus causing it to malfunction. I guess that's okay, but you could possibly just leave that phrase out without detriment to the rest of the story.


Hey fountains, thanks for reading, and glad you liked the story. I think I might take you up on the name change advice and rename David to Joshua, that's a pretty good idea. As for the Serpent carrying the wires, I think you're right, it's better to leave that part to the reader's imagination. I think the grin is sufficient in letting the reader know that that's no ordinary snake.

[Gaurav Joshi]

Since childhood I have been fascinated by time machine and time travel stories.I have read many of them but this one stands above them all. The reason I feel is that it is emotionally engaging. I can hardly critique it as I never expected such amazing twists in a sci-fic fantasy.

The way David was described I was shocked to see him murdered. The climax is also brilliant and the reason given for murder, that if history is changed no such murder will ever take place is also fascinating. The characters have been portrayed nicely and have their own depth and limitations. On a whole it is a superlative story.

On a personal note, I am a big fan of sci-fic genre, so I am not really willing to point out minor hiccups. Great Job! Keep writing!

[glennr25]

Hello Gaurav, I'm ecstatic that you liked the story. I've always been a big fan of time travel stories as well, they never really get old because there's so many endless possibilities for writers to explore. Thanks for your comments, really appreciate it.

[Gaurav Joshi]

No need to say thanks! I really feel this forum is a positive way to give constructive criticism and your honest opinions which can improve someone's writing.

[glennr25]

I was hoping to get some opinions on the title of the story. Does "The Fall of Man" sound more intriguing than "The Sixth Day?" I'm kinda torn between the two.

[Calidore]

Hey fountains, thanks for reading, and glad you liked the story. I think I might take you up on the name change advice and rename David to Joshua, that's a pretty good idea. As for the Serpent carrying the wires, I think you're right, it's better to leave that part to the reader's imagination. I think the grin is sufficient in letting the reader know that that's no ordinary snake.

I'm going to disagree with fountains on both points. There's no need to leave the serpent's sabotage to the readers' imagination, because if the idea is that the serpent caused Caine's death, you should show how. Also, I have no idea why you'd want to change an excellent name like David to anything else anyway, but changing it to Joshua serves no purpose. Jesus/Joshua died to redeem the world's sins, while David died simply because he was no longer useful.


I was hoping to get some opinions on the title of the story. Does "The Fall of Man" sound more intriguing than "The Sixth Day?" I'm kinda torn between the two.

I think "The Sixth Day" is fine. The story isn't about the Fall of Man, but an unsuccessful attempt to prevent it.

[glennr25]

I'm going to disagree with fountains on both points. There's no need to leave the serpent's sabotage to the readers' imagination, because if the idea is that the serpent caused Caine's death, you should show how. Also, I have no idea why you'd want to change an excellent name like David to anything else anyway, but changing it to Joshua serves no purpose. Jesus/Joshua died to redeem the world's sins, while David died simply because he was no longer useful.



I think "The Sixth Day" is fine. The story isn't about the Fall of Man, but an unsuccessful attempt to prevent it.


Gotcha. You make some good points, Cal. The death of Caine is the key part of the story, so it makes sense to show how the Machine was sabotaged. After thinking about it, I decided not to change the name to Joshua. I like the name David, as you already know of course.

Keeping The Sixth Day as the title as well.

Thanks, Cal.