Please Critique

[MissionTech]

First poem


PLEASE CRITIQUE VERY HARSHLY, I need to get better.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread by the way :)

Love

Imaginary yet so real
Indescribable, but understandable.
Visible in pictures
although you can't point it out
you know it's there
love is powerful and dangerous
it can cause happiness
as well as pain

[Jack of Hearts]

This poem needs more love.

You essentially give us a definition of love. Who cares. We all have dictionaries. We are all our own two-bit philosophers. Why don't you show us what love is to you? Your love here is a China-produced factory stamped tricycle that's missing a wheel. We all know it, doesn't run, even though it seems it must be bought out of familiarity.





J

[MissionTech]

This poem needs more love.

You essentially give us a definition of love. Who cares. We all have dictionaries. We are all our own two-bit philosophers. Why don't you show us what love is to you? Your love here is a China-produced factory stamped tricycle that's missing a wheel. We all know it, doesn't run, even though it seems it must be bought out of familiarity.





J

Thank you so much for the high quality response, I will begin working on it now and post a revised version. Thank you for this quote here "Why don't you show us what love is to you?".

That helped me alot to think about how to write it

[MissionTech]

Please let me know what you think of this

Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life
Although I can not see it
it causes My heart to race slightly
Consumed within your beauty
When I look into your eyes
all I can see is beauty
but within I feel much more
a force stronger than myself
It is what guides my life
and makes me who I am
It is something that everyone has

Love

[MissionTech]

Updated:

Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life
Although I can not see it
I know it's there because
When I look into your eyes
my heart races slightly
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is the strongest feeling ever
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than myself
Guiding my actions and will
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

Love

[MissionTech]

Updated: Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life
Although I can not see it
I know it's there because
When I look into your eyes
I don't just see you
I see us
and my heart races slightly
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is my greatest joy and fear
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than myself
Guiding my actions and will
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

Love