Unspoken.

[Jerrybaldy]

No.
There was no final conversation, no.
The sun unwanted;
a housefly climbed the velvet drape.
Your bed sheet rose and fell.
Rose and fell.
If I held you, would you take me too
or could I keep you ever warm?
Swaddled again
with all those days
at dusk.

Unfinished medication
by the bed.
Unstarted conversation,
imprisoned in my head.

Christ watched unmoved,
from his picture frame.
The housefly halted.
A churchbell strayed from the day.

There was no final conversation, no.
The corridor muttered,
the bed sheet fell.
The fly just flew away.

[Delta40]

Gosh. For someone who writesanyoldcrap, it is simply breathtaking. Very relatable and love the solitary fly.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thanks Delta. I strayed on this one..

[Jerrybaldy]

I have rewritten this so thought I would repost it.

[blank|verse]

This is sensitively handled, Jerry, and I can see how the references to the housefly keep things rooted and quotidian, and stop the poem becoming too sentimental. There are some great lines and images: Christ watching from his picture frame, and the straying churchbell are both outstanding; the latter is worthy of Philip Larkin. I was also reminded of the poetry of Charles Simic, particularly his 'The Soul has Many Brides'; flies often feature in Simic's work.

And perhaps with Simic in mind, I couldn't help but attempt a version of the poem myself. I'm not saying it's superior, but I just thought it was interesting to see what regular stanzas would bring to the poem. There's something about them being quite plain and prosaic that seems fitting in context. Just a suggestion anyway, and there's a bit of tinkering here and there, so I hope you don't mind... b|v.



Unspoken

There was no final conversation, no.
The sun unwanted, a housefly
climbed the velvet drape.
Your bed sheet rose

and fell. Christ
watched from his picture frame.
A churchbell strayed
from the parish. The housefly halted.

If I held you, would you
take me too or could I keep you
ever warm? Swaddled again
with all those days at dusk.

There was no final conversation, no.
Unfinished medication by the bed.
The corridor muttered, the bed sheet
fell. The housefly flew at the light.

[Jerrybaldy]

You have improved it by a long way b|v. Thank you for taking the time. I could not have done that. You have given me much to think about. Cheers. Jb .

[Haunted]

This resonates, Jerry. All reduced to just a bed sheet, nothing under there, just a movement now and then. I saw it too. But it was you that captured it so lucidly. Emotionless, and that makes it all the more moving and powerful.

[108 fountains]

I remember that I liked the first version, but when I read the re-write, I thought it much more moving and intense.
"The fly just flew away" is a good line; "The housefly flew at the light" is better.
I also liked blank|verse's re-ordering of the events; I would have kept the word "unmoved" in "Christ watched unmoved from his picture frame."
It's interesting to see how a poem can evolve on a re-write and how the basic same poem can be handled by a different writer.

[munkinhead]

It is quite good JB, a theme close to my heart.

[AuntShecky]

You don't need comments from the likes o' yours fooly. (That goes for dear Delta, too.)

But you'll get a kick out of this: when I clicked on your post, the "Google" ad on top of the page said "Control Drain Flies." Is nuttin' sacred?

[Jerrybaldy]

You are quite wrong auntie. I need any feed back to convince myself anybody is listening. Like us all.