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travjob
02-10-2014, 05:07 PM
There is absolutely some adult language and themes in this (even after I went and replaced all the asterisked words) - don't get me wrong, it is definitely NOT, like, erotic fan fiction or something like that... so just be warned, and please let me know if this is something not tolerated on this forum.

Here goes nothin', thanks for reading!:


She and I sat staring at each other for what seemed to be an eternity in my noticeably unkempt apartment. It wasn't so much that it was dirty and moldy. Or that it had empty beer and liquor bottles overflowing in the laundry room, which by this time was effectively an extension of the trashcan. Nor was it the food-stained dishes in the sink and on the counter... and on the stove. And it wasn't that the carpets had not been vacuumed in nearly 5 months either, or the faint aroma of stale IPA. A simpler person would quickly attribute the unkemptness of my apartment to any of these factors. But in reality, there's a certain aura of mysticism to ordered disorder. It's the same way that underground jazz is unkempt. My apartment is like cool underground jazz.

Neither one of us dared to move a muscle, determined to claim victory over the other. Quiet brown eyes locked against a stern pair of grayish-blue. We inhaled and exhaled in almost perfect unison. How did we get here? I recalled it was in times past that we would take long summertime rides in the car going nowhere, just because I knew she loved the warm breeze on her face. We could spend all of a winter’s day curled up on the couch together, watching old movies. We would even go for a run every once in a while, as long as it was nice out and I wasn't already spending that day on the couch watching old movies. It was the most solid relationship I'd been in for years, but today was different. Today, the smell of conflict hung in the air. The smell of conflict, and excrement. Wits were being tested. Two opponents, equal in almost every way. It was truly a battle of endurance, and my silence broke first.

"I'm not cleaning up after you again,” I said to her, and partly to myself as I retrieved an unopened bottle of carpet cleaner from under the sink, along with an amount of paper towels that would be described as precisely double overkill by any reasonable person. I placed the cleaner and the four new rolls of paper towel on the floor next to a now not-so-fresh pile of feces. "I know you're trying to send me a message, and I understand that you're a dog and you can only communicate with noise and bodily functions… but seriously. I am not cleaning up after you again.” I sat down on the couch and turned on the television. I couldn't really focus on what I was watching, and instead dwelled on a trying roommateship between a man and his dog. Bunker was the perfect dog. She was a Rottweiler and German Shepherd mix. She had all of the things that I look for in a dog: a sense of loyalty, a sense of friendship, four legs, and laziness. Though, it's that last trait that always lands us in this exact situation over and over again. Bunk refuses to let me know when she needs to go for a walk, and I'm not the type of person to force exercise on anyone, man or beast, so we both stay inside until she inevitably relieves herself somewhere.

After completing a thorough sniff inspection of the bottle of cleaner, the paper towels, and the pile of crap on my goddamn floor, she reluctantly walked over to me and rested her head on my knee. With her ears back, she gave me a look that distinctly said, "I have no thumbs, and it smells like my business over there… can you help?" I could help, and so I did. This is what friends are for, right?

I disposed of the clump of soiled paper towels, and the now-empty bottle of cleaner, placing them on top of three empty cases of beer and four restaurant take-out containers tied up neatly in their plastic bags. When that fell over onto a mix of other indistinguishables, I took a deep breath and reminded myself - really cool underground jazz. I’d been performing this cleaning ritual time and time again since I’d brought Bunk home with me, and it had gotten so ingrained that this time it only took me about an hour or two before I remembered that I would have to go shopping for new carpet anti-poop supplies to replace my depleted stock. I picked up my phone and considered sending a quick text to a friend of mine, Bill. We were supposed to meet up later anyway, and maybe he wanted to join my quest. I sprung to action.

Me: Yo man, you want to hit the grocery store with me? Bunker stunk up my place again.

Bill: OK. Want to pick up some tail there?

Me: You say that every time, and my answer will always be yes.

Bill: OK. But don't be a wuss this time when I'm about to get some numbers...

Me: You say that every time too... and fine, just don't do the thing with the sausage again, we got kicked
out last time and I can't even go in that aisle anymore.

Bill: OK. I can't make promises though..

Me: Then don't say OK...

Bill: OK.

God. Dammit.

This conversation occurred while on my way to Bill's house, and with the last transmission, he hopped in my car. Bill liked to describe himself as “classically good looking, with sharp features, and an aptitude for seducing women.” While the rest of us would agree that, on the whole, he's not generally unattractive as a human being, what he does happen to possess is precisely the tact and grace it takes to make any situation sexually awkward.

We drove to the store and found ourselves winding through a relatively peaceful parking lot maze of minivans, SUV's, crossovers, and mid-size sedans that make up every grocery store parking lot in any suburban town. After finding an open spot, we got out of the car and found the closest shopping cart. It was conveniently right in front of my car, as I had just bumped it out of the way while trying to park. That's what bumpers are for, I reasoned with myself. Witnessing peoples' seeming inability to return shopping carts to the cart ..return thing.. always made me think a little bit. Some might judge such inaction as laziness, but I think some of these people truly believe it to be one of the last F-You's that they have left. I imagine they think to themselves, "They can increase our taxes, and they can cut our wages, but they'll never take our freedom!” . For the rest of the walk into the grocery store I couldn't help but sputter through quotes from Braveheart. Consequently, one man may believe that I loved him, and always had.

Entering the grocery store and embracing the smell of overconsumption, we made our way over to the produce section. I didn't need any produce, and I wasn't going to buy any produce. It was just something I picked up over years and years of going to the store with my mother, who had always, without fail, started every trip to the grocery store in the produce section. The only difference being that she actually bought produce - the fruits and vegetables with which to torture me at dinnertimes in seeming perpetuity until I could finally grow up and eat whatever I wanted to.

Being inside for less than 10 minutes, it starts. And it's just like last time.

Bill was continuously running his thumb and forefinger up and down the shaft of a baby carrot, which he had already placed near the bottom of some unsuspecting watermelons. "Yo, tell me this doesn't look a masturbating toddler...”, Bill started, and with a tone that implied (for him) such normalcy. “I mean, if they did that. Which I don’t think they do.. but just for argument’s sake.", he clarified. He had to relay this to me over the two aisles that separated us, and with all those people in the way, the sound couldn't travel nearly as well. Since ‘people’ weren't the kind of detail that Bill typically paid attention to, he pretty much yelled it. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to pick up my supplies. Bill had started molesting food. And more importantly, he wasn't doing it right. If I have one flaw, it's being a perfectionist.

"Nope. It doesn't.. it looks like you're manually stimulating a carrot near a watermelon stand," I promptly replied, equally as loud. Not before receiving multiple disapproving looks from other customers, I took hold of my cart and jogged over to Bill to show him that, obviously, if he used just one of the watermelons and then added a banana to the mix, it would go over much better. "No, no no... see, you put the banana here, and it's like his shoulder, kind of..." As I demonstrated the simplicity of it all, he stood next to me nodding in agreement. It didn’t take too long before we realized that we had a functioning watermelon toddler using its banana arm to jerk off its own baby carrot dick. We were impressed with the ingenuity of it. We then realized that everybody else had realized this too, and they were less “impressed with the ingenuity” and more “grossed out by the thought”. Bill made the only kind of move he's capable of to get us out of the situation.

"Hey ladies, we could make this a little more real if you'd like.. how about you there, Jennifer? Wanna put my carrot in your vegetable patch?" he asked with nonchalance, almost as if he were asking for directions. Realizing he was still holding the baby carrot, "It's bigger than this carrot though, okay? I mean, just think about a dick. Let’s just say mine's like a dick-sized dick, for argument’s sake,” he said in a surprisingly unconvincing manner. Bill had just verbally accosted a middle-aged woman. If Bill has one flaw, it's being physically and mentally present in situations like these.

"I... my name isn't Jennifer,” the bewildered woman somehow came back with, completely missing the point. Bill raised an eyebrow and stared at her for a just few too many seconds, then with a quick wink and a smile replied, "Well, you look like a Jennifer for argument’s sake, so you are a Jennifer. Don't worry, [I]Jennifer, I'll just take it real nice and easy... together, we could be like V8, baby.. you know.. Splash..." I chuckled, and also realized that Bill had no idea when or how to use the phrase “for argument’s sake”.

The words were crass, but any remote possibility of a positive response he could have hoped for with his confident smile was ruined when he started using his hands to very obviously grab a pair of air-hips, proceeding to hump the nothing that was bent over in front of him. Jennifer looked appalled, but I could swear there was a micro-expression of intrigue just before her jaw dropped. It was either intrigue, or the facial representation of her fight-or-flight instinct getting kicked in the gut.

*****
I flashed back to the sausage incident that had many of the same characteristics. The details were hazy after being actively repressed for so long, but suffice it to say a proposition was made to a woman in her mid-forties to get 'Prego' with Bill's sausage. He had obviously pronounced it in a way that would allow him to prove his point, but I'm not actually sure he knew he was pronouncing it wrong. I hadn't been down the pasta aisle since then, and I'm wondering when the time will come in which I won't be able to buy any
food at all. Bill's method of turning a branded product into sexual suggestion was something of a gift. Or a curse. Somehow it always felt like both.
*****

Listening to Jennifer’s screaming got us thinking that it was time to go. In an impressive display of athleticism, I whipped my shopping cart directly into the zucchini stand while trying to make a quick turn. As they spilled to the ground and started rolling around bumping into each other, I found myself chuckling again because they really looked like a bunch of blind dildos. Although I suppose that would imply that your typical everyday dildo is capable of sight? I would hate to be a dildo blessed with the gift of sight. In any event, I abandoned the cart, turned to Bill and shot him a stern look. With my jaw clenched, my eyes narrowed, and my breath steady, I held his gaze for a moment to convey the gravity of the situation. "We need to get the hell out of here” was the only thought running through my head, and I knew that Bill and I were in total agreement. It doesn’t happen often, but when the situation elevates, we always have each others’ back. "Dude did you just crap your pants?” God. Dammit.

Minutes later, we left the grocery store of our own accord. Totally unescorted by security, and definitely not because the police were on their way, we made our way back through the parking lot. Maybe it was just the after-effects of a grocery stop with Bill, but the parking lot felt different now. Droves of honking suburbanites trying to fit too-big cars around too-tight corners. I noticed a parking lot attendant taking pause to look at all of the strewn-about shopping carts that he would have to gather, knowing full well they'd just get redistributed within an hour. I felt his pain as Bill and I walked past. But as much as I felt his pain, I conceded that those carts were his problem, his life story. I didn't have time to get involved. Now, we were on a mission. Specifically, a mission to get the hell out of this place before the cops showed up.

We traveled to meet up with Gary. He was the voice of reason in our crazy little world. He was the kind of guy you could always go to for an honest answer, or, at least, a very convincing lie to make you feel better. Out of our group, he was the most stand-up friend we had. We walked into his backyard to find that he had some beers and food already waiting for us. This guy was our rock.


"What's the difference between where my dick was last night and your mom?" Gary asked, shifting his eyes between Bill and me, and contradicting everything I just described about him. "Nothing! They were in the same place! Get it? I banged your mom...s last night. Just- I.. both of your moms, I banged 'em.”

Gary was a bastard.

~The End~

Delta40
02-11-2014, 04:57 AM
Sorry I haven't really totally read this because of time constraints but my first observation is this: Start the story at -

"I'm not cleaning up after you again,”

The first two paras are enough to lose the interest of your readers - although they wax lyrical, I suggest you integrate the lines throughout the story and chuck out what you can't use.

Grab your reader right at the beginning of the story and hold onto them till the end!

travjob
02-11-2014, 03:41 PM
Thanks for the insight, I think that's a good suggestion. I think the first paragraph started out more as an exercise in description to try to create an environment, and partly to serve as a joke. The second paragraph is also kind only there to serve the third paragraph as far as the "reveal" goes. Hope you get a chance to read the rest, or read more thoroughly when you have time!

Delta40
02-11-2014, 04:49 PM
I like how you combine dialogue with narrative which gives it a nice easy flow.

I suggest you separate the dialogue from the narrative to improve the format.

The story itself on first reading doesn't appear to go anywhere but on reflection that is the whole point about your MC and Bill so it's effective enough since it gave me the impression of a person who spent endless days doing sweet FA and as a writer, if that is what you set out to achieve, then IMHO you certainly did it!

Looking forward to more stories.

Calidore
02-11-2014, 05:27 PM
Delta's right on in her comment about the beginning. Starting with descriptions and exposition rather than actual story is a good way to lose people before you've gotten going. You should be able to rewrite the first paragraphs without sacrificing the gag.

travjob
02-11-2014, 08:28 PM
Very interesting thoughts… I think you're both correct as far as the start goes. It's funny, when I think about it, the more and more I read/re-read/revised/etc, I even found myself skipping over those two (at least after grammatical issues were taken care of).

I am thinking that "MC" means Main Character, right? What about "FA"? I'm not sure on that one…


Thanks to both of you for offering your input, I was really hoping this submission wasn't going to be met with silence!

As far as separating the dialogue from the narrative to improve format, would that strictly mean to just add carriage returns between? You're right in that I feel that it keeps a good flow going, so is it really more just for aesthetics and correct format to separate it that way? I'm curious.

Delta40
02-11-2014, 10:10 PM
FA means Fxck all!

Yes a carriage return would be good. If you check out book formats you'll get the drift.

Calidore
02-11-2014, 10:25 PM
Very interesting thoughts… I think you're both correct as far as the start goes. It's funny, when I think about it, the more and more I read/re-read/revised/etc, I even found myself skipping over those two (at least after grammatical issues were taken care of).

There you go. Elmore Leonard's rule #10 says to try to leave out the parts people tend to skip. I think that goes double for the parts that the writer himself skips.


I am thinking that "MC" means Main Character, right? What about "FA"? I'm not sure on that one…

"Doing sweet FA" is a family-friendly way of saying "doing sweet f***-all", which means "doing nothing".

Gaurav Joshi
02-12-2014, 12:32 AM
I enjoyed the story post first two paragraphs. The story is disjoint, but the crispy dialogues make it perfect. Also I loved the way dialogues actually take the story forward and are integrated part of the narrative.

The only thing I would suggest is perhaps the description is just too stretched. I lost my attention in the first two paras itself. But once the characters enter the grocery shop, the story looks awesome. On a whole, this is an enjoyable one.

travjob
02-18-2014, 09:41 PM
I enjoyed the story post first two paragraphs. The story is disjoint, but the crispy dialogues make it perfect. Also I loved the way dialogues actually take the story forward and are integrated part of the narrative.

The only thing I would suggest is perhaps the description is just too stretched. I lost my attention in the first two paras itself. But once the characters enter the grocery shop, the story looks awesome. On a whole, this is an enjoyable one.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it. Sorry I've only gotten back to reply now. I definitely agree the story is disjointed, that's one of my fundamental problems with it. At some points I've felt like it's a "Chapter 1" of something bigger, but who really knows at this point. In my head, there may not be enough meat there to stretch this thing that much further than a writing exercise.

Also, I see what you, and others, are saying about the first two paragraphs.

Again, thanks for reading and I appreciate the feedback.

108 fountains
02-20-2014, 04:25 PM
I actually liked the first part of the story better than the rest of it (just a matter of taste as far as that goes). The entire story takes a different turn starting in paragraph 5. One thing you might think about is cutting out the first four paragraphs altogether, doing some minor modifications to them, and then letting those four paragraphs stand as a "short, short story" on their own, ending with the sentence, "This is what friends are for, right?

.

travjob
02-21-2014, 02:36 PM
Hey, so, about Elmore's 10 rules... #10 seems like the only legitimate one, right? I feel like everything I've ever read flies directly in the face of most of these rules... am I missing something?

108 fountains - that's an interesting thought about making a "short, short story" out of the beginning, it'd never occurred to me... I kind of like it!

AuntShecky
02-21-2014, 07:40 PM
The technical problem re: the appearance of the text on the virtual page is called "invisible carriage returns," the last two words in the term a reference to an earlier era when old timers such as yours fooly used typewriters. A moment after your story is posted, look at it to see if the lines go right to the margin without breaking. If not, hit "edit" and when the box comes up with your material use the backspace key or the "delete" key on the wasted space in order to joint the broken lines. (PLEASE NOTE: I was a member of this site for about two years until a fellow LitNutter told me how to fix it. Up until then, who knew?)

So because the disjointed text is hard on my aging eyes, I could only read a little of it. Nonetheless, here are a couple of observations:

Get the reader hooked in the first paragraph, hit the ground running. By that I mean open the story in an dynamic, attention-grabbing way. Try not to open a story with a pronoun without an antecedent --"she." (Although I see that you were attempting to set up a surprise-- "she" is a (literal) dog.) Also, cut down the descriptions, though I love the comparison of the apartment to jazz.

Make sure to omit all the extraneous material, no matter how much -- maybe especially how much-- you admire it. Details that are crucial to the plot and character development can be intermittently mentioned via the "drip method" ( a term coined by an astute though serious critic who used to drive his fellow LitNutters crazy, though all of us learned from him.)

Avoid clichés ("waiting for an eternity"), show,don't tell, don't waste time and space stating the obvious, drive the story forward, be subtle, make it lean and mean, and don't forget to revise, rewrite, and proofread.

Read some exemplary fiction. Write some more. Good luck.

Welcome to the LitNet.

Auntie

travjob
02-21-2014, 09:34 PM
The technical problem re: the appearance of the text on the virtual page is called "invisible carriage returns," the last two words in the term a reference to an earlier era when old timers such as yours fooly used typewriters. A moment after your story is posted, look at it to see if the lines go right to the margin without breaking. If not, hit "edit" and when the box comes up with your material use the backspace key or the "delete" key on the wasted space in order to joint the broken lines. (PLEASE NOTE: I was a member of this site for about two years until a fellow LitNutter told me how to fix it. Up until then, who knew?)

So because the disjointed text is hard on my aging eyes, I could only read a little of it. Nonetheless, here are a couple of observations:


Auntie

Thanks for the input! I have gone back and taken out all of the invisible carriage returns. I have to be completely honest with you - I knew I could do that, but I didn't feel like going through and doing it… but your reply made me… so hopefully it's better in that respect. The overwhelming feedback has been about the over-description and the first two paragraphs, so I really will have to go back and examine and change some things.. but I am going to leave it here in its original state for now as I re-work some things behind the scenes.

I'm glad you like the comparison to jazz… I kinda like it too, haha.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

T