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View Full Version : I dunno about this, what do you think?



FatElvis
01-27-2014, 07:46 AM
I dunno about this, what do you think?

Red flesh tottered on a colorless, barren landscape. Its muscular legs held up a writhing torso, ballooned with juice and wrapped in openly exposed wire. Supported atop this form was a head that contained bulging eyes and innumerable clenched teeth, while below the hands twitched purposelessly.

And across from this creature was another; one made of cold metal, solid instead of lithe, and grinding gears with dependable rhythms and metronomic sounds differentiating its moments in time. At this moment the silver body was sized multiple times over anything else.

The coiled pulp of the red, twisting flesh swayed through space in smooth, gradient motions; approaching the gray steel that clanked only moments away. One lower limb moved past the other, oscillated by a pivoting hip, and pushed against the ground to propel the whole of its master carcass towards the opposite entity.

The flesh moved closer to the steel; and the two stood as one, alone amidst the gray and empty land. Finally they could wait no longer for their embrace, and the flesh pushed the last pace needed to bring them into contact.

The wet, ribbed body oozed against the hard steel, squeezing out a red stain of greasy fluid. In response the metal gears caught an obtruding limb, and pulled that into its grinding innards. The flesh was lifted into the steel grinder, stimulating it into a moaned response.

Between the steel teeth, red exploded through the air and rained onto the gray ground. The two creatures gargled lamentations at each other, both in answer and appreciation. The flesh was forced to obey the new machinations that guided it through a transformation: the soft body of the flesh was torn into separate pieces, and mashed into soupy paste. The muscled head was crushed, pinching its eyes from their sockets, while its partner masticated and consumed.

The flesh was mutilated inside the strong, steel rotations; at points it resembled a healthy mix of living organisms, then squeezed into an unidentifiable expulsion. Most of the time the flesh was a distorted mix of visual cacophony, but brief seconds of symmetry could also be witnessed. It was a ripe fruit with an opening to penetrate, a distinguished triumph.

Soon the process had run its course, and the spinning gears manipulated the soft corpuscles no more. The flesh had fallen and taken on a different nature: still red, but now mostly viscous. What had once moved deliberately was now quivering from the breath of spinning steel parts. Red faded, fluids drained, and supple flesh weakened until it was indistinguishable from the colorless landscape on which it rested.

glennr25
01-27-2014, 02:59 PM
What was your intention when you started writing this? There is no story here, just endless description. If that was your plan all along then you hit it out of the park.

108 fountains
01-27-2014, 03:45 PM
I am not sure what you were trying to say with this. The last sentence is interesting - it gives the sense that whatever was going on is no longer there or even no longer relevant, but I can't quite figure out was was going on before that last sentence. I think the story might need a little more "fleshing out," so to speak.

FatElvis
01-27-2014, 07:36 PM
Yeh, I dunno. I just saw something in my head and tried to describe it. :P

glennr25
01-27-2014, 08:28 PM
Nothing wrong with that. Just try and expand on it. It'll be challenging, but well worth it in the end.

Calidore
01-27-2014, 09:27 PM
Trim the modifiers and metaphors and put down the thesaurus. Use the first two as a condiment, not the whole dish (would you want to eat an oregano pizza?), and the latter when necessary. Basic rule: write to express, not to impress.

FatElvis
01-27-2014, 11:04 PM
Trim the modifiers and metaphors and put down the thesaurus. Use the first two as a condiment, not the whole dish (would you want to eat an oregano pizza?), and the latter when necessary. Basic rule: write to express, not to impress.
Yeah, I agree with you. I don't know if I want to write anything. I know nothing I write will ever be good, or profitable, so the only reason to write would be for fun. I don't know if it's fun enough to be worth the effort.

Thank you for the criticism and responses.

Calidore
01-28-2014, 12:15 AM
Yeah, I agree with you. I don't know if I want to write anything. I know nothing I write will ever be good, or profitable, so the only reason to write would be for fun. I don't know if it's fun enough to be worth the effort.

Odds are against it being profitable, though the odds can be shortened. Whether it's ever good or not is pretty much up to you. Writing is effort, so it has to be your call whether it's worth it.