Darkened Nightmare

[BlackenedTales]

Darkness. That was all Dan could see as he walked pass the eerie bowels of Kenton, a small town that was located in the outskirts of Virginia. Dan had just gotten out of work. Dan, a 25 year old man, was working part-time at a supermarket so he would be able to pay his rent. He barely had any money, and was on the verge of getting kicked out from this small shack near the pub that you could barely call a “home”. But little did Dan know, that he wouldn’t need that money now. His life was just about to change, and not for the better. While walking past a light post, Dan hears giggles from behind him. Dan quickly turned around, startled, but saw nothing. He tried to dismiss it but couldn’t, he just kept thinking about it. Dan finally got home. He was searching for his keys when he noticed that his door was open.
“What the…?” Dan said as he walked through the door.
As he walked through his house, he saw nothing out of the ordinary. What the hell is going on he thought. Suddenly heard footsteps. He quickly turned around and saw a strange figure. It appeared as though it was morphing into another shape. Dan was frightened and couldn’t move because of it. Now, instead of a blank figure, there was this grotesque clown. The clown smiled and began to speak.
“Come here Danny-boy. I just wanna play.”
“My name is Biiiiiilly! Come on and let’s PLAY!”
The clown’s eerie voice began to grow darker and darker.

Dan was finally able to move. He stepped backwards but found himself bumping into another strange figure. It was a girl. She looked to be 15 or 16. She was very pale and short, and had blonde hair that to Dan seemed white. She held him in place. She was very strong, because Dan couldn’t even move an inch. He felt her fingers clawing into his cold, sweaty, back. He began to bleed. And that is when the screaming began.

Billy the clown was slowly approaching Dan, the girl just stared blankly into space whispering “shut up, you moron”. The clown had a grim smile on his face. His teeth grew sharper and sharper as he approached Dan. Now they were standing face-to-face.

“Come on Danny, don’t scream! this will only take a minute!” said Billy.
Dan was now crying, but that didn’t stop the clown. He bit into Dan’s neck, ripping off his flesh.
“Mmmmm, that was delicious!” “Now let’s go a little lower!”
And he did. Biting into his chest. It looked like Billy was about to rip off Dan’s face. And then

Dan woke up. The nightmare was over. Or so Dan thought…

[Calidore]

Well, on the plus side, your spelling and grammar are generally just fine, though some hiccups make me think you typed this quickly. Formatting should be more consistent--whitespace between each paragraph, not just some of them.

My first thought was that a protagonist named Danny and an evil, sharp-toothed clown suggest you've been reading classic Stephen King. Not a bad thing in itself, but (if that is indeed the case) influences shouldn't be so obvious.

Second thought: Nothing here has a reason or purpose. It's all random. Also, Dan's background is superfluous because it doesn't figure into the story at all.

Finally, the it-was-all-a-dream-wait-no-it-wasn't ending is as old as the hills.

In short, this seems tossed off in a hurry, and it lacks both sense and originality as a result. Next time, keep those two aspects in mind, and put more thought and less haste into the writing.

[Steven Hunley]

Well, on the plus side, your spelling and grammar are generally just fine, though some hiccups make me think you typed this quickly. Formatting should be more consistent--whitespace between each paragraph, not just some of them.

My first thought was that a protagonist named Danny and an evil, sharp-toothed clown suggest you've been reading classic Stephen King. Not a bad thing in itself, but (if that is indeed the case) influences shouldn't be so obvious.

Second thought: Nothing here has a reason or purpose. It's all random. Also, Dan's background is superfluous because it doesn't figure into the story at all.

Finally, the it-was-all-a-dream-wait-no-it-wasn't ending is as old as the hills.

In short, this seems tossed off in a hurry, and it lacks both sense and originality as a result. Next time, keep those two aspects in mind, and put more thought and less haste into the writing.

I'm with Calidore on this one. It leads nowhere and was dashed off in less time than it takes to tie my shoe. (I use Velcro) Ifin you're a gonna put your stuff out on the table for all the civilized world to sample, you'll have to make it more edible and presentable. Take your time!