Anchor and Sail

[dara.cv]

This womb
Is a vessel of mixed emotions,
crafted by a tempestuous
blend of drinks:
“seduction on the rocks”, “leg spreader”, “midnight rendezvous”.
Once a vacant cove,
life swells ,
hoisting calcium corals and anemone limbs
into ruddy waters .
Summoned remnants of a night
Are held by an anchor
in the center of this watery globe.
My heart beats four counts,
but there is no captain to sound the ship.
My mind whirls like the wayward winds,
impossible to set a course.
My feet are chilled while my belly is warm
by a part of you left on those sandy shores.
I am caught by moment that is still lasting
still looking to the stars with your weight
burdened upon me
wondering which winds
you’re navigated by.
If only I could set sail,
Like the wandering sailors
who anchor for only a night
and depart for a new island at dawn.
Who keep hope during
the most turbulent storms
by the calming memories
of those gentle coves their ships have charted.
If only I could keep a night forever distant
by mapping a measure of ocean.

[Delta40]

Dara this was a poignant read. Beautifully crafted all the way through.

I'm caught by a moment that is still lasting.

[AuntShecky]

I see the conceit this one attempts: a sea of nautical images to depict or suggest the kind of emotion experienced by physical love.

Problems (at least for this reader) occur in the attempt to form a mental image from what appears on the page.
Some of the metaphors work while others present a vague and jumbled picture.

For instance-- the "womb" is a "vessel." A vessel can also be a ship, as well as a container for beverages. But the image is a bit backwards. The vessel cannot be "crafted by" the drinks themselves. Incidentally, the names for the mixed drinks bring a bit of whimsy to this piece. "Seduction on the rocks" actually sounds as if it could be ordered at some tony bar in Glen Cove, L.I. (By the bye, I just came across the name of a drink I'd never heard of before-- a "suffering bastard" which no doubt describes the condition of the drinker on the morning after.)

"Ruddy" waters-- do you mean red, as in the crimson tide? Don't know what's meant by "watery globe"-- the entire earth? If so, how could it be held by an anchor?

The warm belly-- a nice, down-to-earth image, but "sandy shores" doesn't seem to click with the "wet" images that have preceded it.


I am caught by moment that is still lasting
still looking to the stars with your weight
burdened upon me
wondering upon which winds
you’re navigated by.

The construction in those lines seems awkward; maybe you can rework the word order, thrown off by the placement of the prepositions. Also, "wondering which" is sufficient; you can drop the "upon."

With a little revision, this could be a very nice poem.

Auntie

[dara.cv]

Thank you Delta! I'm glad the sadness showed through, I was afraid the risque terms would deter the reader from the bitter melancholy.


Thank you for your feedback AuntShecky. I really appreciate your interpretation. It's really hard for me to know how my visualizations come across to the reader.

I intended for the vessel to be a container for a child who is crafted by a night of drinking with a one-night stand. The drinks names are supposed to infer the actual events of the night; the lady was drunk, seduced, and "spread" on a beach at midnight. Then it jumps to the metaphor of the cove being the womb in which the child develops (ruddy waters/amniotic fluid, spherical globe/womb, anchor/umbilical cord). I felt the same way about the sandy beach, but I wanted to reconfirm to the reader where the conception took place.

I want to maintain the concept of the poem, if you have any advice on how I can edit it to convey the meaning more clearly to the reader I'd really appreciate it!