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miyako73
01-09-2014, 03:43 PM
Bare, we give up and curl in like its peels,
Squeezed oil and perfume in the locked air;
Our excited fingers and nervous nails golden,
The evolution of yellow and deep orange,
We hold each other’s hands; eager, we lick,
Sharing seasonal bitters and rare sweets;
Our sour faces morph into smiles, satisfied.

Simple, our joy is whole in between palms
Like our napes we grip and cheeks we cup,
As warm as our tongues luring each other
And gasped breaths begging for quick breaks,
Before we divide it into pieces and small bites
Like portions of silk hairs or segments of skin
We tend before bones and outlines, febrile.

Confident, we can tell its shape even if blind
Like how we sense the arches of our brows,
The bows of our lips, the soft solids we touch,
The plush texture of linens covering our feet,
Our exposed bellies and naked battered backs,
Because we share its fibers and its last drop
And keep its seeds like our secrets, fervent.

Buh4Bee
01-09-2014, 04:48 PM
This is such good writing that I can only touch the fridge of something this good with my pen. The message is very passionate and offers a lot to the reader. I can see why you changed the last word, but I think the original was fine before the change. It has a great structure. Much enjoyed! It made my afternoon.

miyako73
01-10-2014, 03:58 AM
Thanks for reading, Bee. "impassioned" sounds redundant- stating the obvious. "Fervent" has the sense of passion and tenacity.

Jack of Hearts
01-10-2014, 04:01 AM
Bare, we give up and curl in like its peels,
Squeezed oil and perfume in the locked air;

Nice!





J

miyako73
01-10-2014, 05:31 PM
Thanks for reading, Jack. Happy new year!

qimissung
01-12-2014, 10:11 PM
Please keep all comments impersonal and on topic.

Scheherazade
01-14-2014, 06:00 PM
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