We Are But Rocks

[ShadowFire]

We Are But Rocks

Can you feel my heart beating,
A tireless marching sound?
Can you see the blood seeping,
Sucked into the thirsty ground?

Why does my heart break,
Pushing through its ribbed cage?
Why do my fears wake,
From depths of hidden rage?

We are but rocks of the riverbed,
Worn forever with words not said.
My eyes sink deeper into my skull,
As I realize time will rot us all.

[YesNo]

I don't think the comma after "wake" is needed. The theme about us being rocks worn by unsaid words is interesting. It hinted of missed opportunities that would accumulate and harm us in some way. However, I didn't see a connection between the first two stanzas and the last. In the first two we have hearts. In the last we are rocks. I did like the change of rhyme scheme in the last stanza.

[miyako73]

YesNo is right about the comma after "wake". This poem is actually nice. the rhyming is not forced, nor is it annoying. I would change "beating" though to lessen its cliche effect when placed beside "heart". Stomping maybe? "heart break" too needs consideration.

[ShadowFire]

Both YesNo and miyako73 > Thank you both for your replies. Yeah, sometimes I struggle with appropriate punctuation in my poetry.

YesNo > My connection to rocks isn't that we are literally rocks as much as we were at one time solid and strong, but are slowly worn down like a rock.

miyako 73 > Sometimes I do get caught with cliches, but other times I don't think they are bad. Cliche can add to the poem in making it easier to relate to for the audience. Also, cliches can lull the reader into a false sense of security that they know what is next or what the poem is about, and then BANG you hit them with a twist.

Again, thank you both for reading and commenting!