Unseen

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

Standing there unseen
Muttering of a hasty breeze
And a pale song of solitude harp
And scattered nostalgia
Standing there unseen
---
A distance of the past
Trifling with my dreams
Reciting the elegy of leaving,
Alone
Reminding of cherished hugs
---
Through the broken window
I caught the sight of tomorrow
As a monotonous melody
Mixed with shade and dust and night
A hand waving like a sea
Of tears and longing and roaming
And whispering of leaving
---
Standing there unseen
Around the old house the dancing storm
And dusty moonlight within smiling eclipse
I halted, dare not to step inside the house
Waiting, and dreaming
Of leaving.

[miyako73]

This has a potential to be a good piece. I can feel it, but the cliches are ruining my thoughts.

"A hand waving like a sulking (or receding) sea" is better than "A hand waving like a sea of tears". The latter is bereft of logic and experience. Make revising a part of your religion.

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

This has a potential to be a good piece. I can feel it, but the cliches are ruining my thoughts.

"A hand waving like a sulking (or receding) sea" is better than "A hand waving like a sea of tears". The latter is bereft of logic and experience. Make editing a part of your religion.

Thank you for the correction. surely I will modify the piece accordingly.